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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner expecting me to buy Christmas gifts for his entire family as well as our mutual friends.

233 replies

giadak · 17/12/2018 04:35

Hi all. I'm in a dilemma here - if you can call it that. I'm not overly close to my family - largely because I don't have a big family - and the remaining members have either moved/have their own families etc... There's no ill will, but we are just different.

I've been with my partner for 6-7 years. I always spend Christmas with my parents and he goes to spend Christmas with his family in the countryside. His family is larger and he has lots of elderly relatives, so we both think it is important that he spends time with them - and I spend time with my family. We have our own mini Christmas too obviously, but usually on Boxing Day. I have been to his side of the family, but around Christmas time as opposed to the actual day (25th) as I like to be back in the city by then.

Anyway; I like to plan gifts - as in make a list of gift recipients, figure out what I want to get for them, then shop online - or if I can't get it online; I'll go out and buy it. Saves a lot of time and hassle. We did the list together this year - and all was fine. We then started to shop online on both our laptops respectively.

He then blurted out that he's willing to buy the gifts for his Mum and Dad, but I should buy the gifts for his sister, his brother, his brother's wife, his nephew and his grandparents.

He sent me a list of things that they'd like - but I'm unsure as to what exactly he is contributing. He has a LOT of his own money - and I'm good with money on too. However; he feels that because I'm 'better' at gift-buying that he's going to leave it all to me. The total cost of the gifts that I'm 'supposed' to buy round up to around £700 whereas the cost of 'his' gifts came up to £200.

Bear in mind; I'm not even spending upwards of £700 on myself nor my own family members! Also, I'm not overly close to his family. I understand that he wants the gifts to be from both of us, but he's not buying a single thing for my family members - nor has he asked me what I'd like this year - which is frankly nothing at this point.

AIBU to think it's outrageous to spend so much on his family?!

No doubt I'll be left to do all the wrapping, writing the cards etc... whilst his 'job' is done and dusted for the year.

OP posts:

Dimsumlosesum · 17/12/2018 06:35

I guess now you know what he truly views you as - his personal ATM.

Cheeky fucker.

HoneysuckIejasmine · 17/12/2018 06:35

Erm, say no?

Dimsumlosesum · 17/12/2018 06:36

What the above poster said - he knows full well what he's doing, and the fact you didn't immeadietly say - "give me your bank card then if you don't have the time and I'll put it all on that" or whatever shows that this is exactly why he thinks you'll just pay for everything.

paem · 17/12/2018 06:37

Well I've reread your posts OP, but I still don't get it. You must be leaving out a crucial piece of information.

ElspethFlashman · 17/12/2018 06:39

I keep waiting for the part where you laughed in his face.

Why haven't I gotten to that part yet?

LoubyLou1234 · 17/12/2018 06:40

If it had been mutually agreed earlier, like 'oh I'm doing mine I'll get yours while I'm there' type of thing maybe yes ok fair enough ( but I would want the money!)

However I would not be in this situation nor would I be paying for it! If you already pay for most things throughout the year he should have money spare? Also if he hasn't surely he could tone down the selfridges/designer presents and buy them himself not TELL you that you are doing them. I love Christmas too but that's ridiculous.

SexNotJenga · 17/12/2018 06:42

Are you frightened of him, or terrified of being single?

I cannot think of any other reason why you'd put up with this.

PattiStanger · 17/12/2018 06:45

Why do you need to even ask?

Is there any part of you that thinks this is the right thing for you to do?

honeylulu · 17/12/2018 06:48

So what did you say when he voiced those expectations? Please don't tell us you already agreed (and now regret it).

I would have laughed in his face. And if he was still in doubt a loud "NO" would have followed.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 17/12/2018 06:51

So what happened when you told him you weren’t his PA?

ChristmasFlary · 17/12/2018 06:54

So l gather you are doing it then as you haven't told him that you're not?

ChristmassyContessaConSparkles · 17/12/2018 06:58

Could everyone stop acting like the OP is an idiot/stupid for not standing up for herself at the time? Some of us don't have as well-drawn/established boundaries as you lot, for whatever reason, and need some reassurance that we're people with valid feelings who don't just deserve whatever shit we get.

OP, he is being a very CF and you do not need to do anything of the sort you've described. He will try to convince you that you do, because it's to his benefit. Do not be fooled by this.

Inertia · 17/12/2018 07:00

In answer to your AIBU- it’s not outrageous for him to spend as much of his own money as he wants, as long as he has it to spare.

It’s outrageous for him to expect you to spend your time and money to do it.

Mrschainsawuk · 17/12/2018 07:05

I buy for all my hb family but only spent about 150 that's for 7 ppl

FleeceDetective · 17/12/2018 07:06

Are you going to do it op?

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 17/12/2018 07:09

It would be bad enough if he was asking you to get the presents but giving you the money - but to also expect you to pay for everything?
Disgraceful.

Like pp said.... he's expecting you to do the 'wife work' and pay for the privilege.

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 17/12/2018 07:09

Why on earth did you not just laugh in his face when he said that to you?

NameChangeOhNameChange1 · 17/12/2018 07:11

Why are you with this man?

nanny3 · 17/12/2018 07:12

If you like shopping do it but ask him for the cash first

InfiniteSheldon · 17/12/2018 07:13

Reading through your posts it's clear this is about money. He's done the list, looked at the cost and thought whoa. You need to really look at your boundaries. Today you need to say actually I've looked at your list I'm not up for ordering and sorting all that and it's £700 seriously I'm not paying that. Then stop speaking.
I struggle with boundaries and often rehearse these conversations. Practice what you're going to say and how he might respond. Repetition is the key for me. A simple sentence like No, that's not going to work for me. Or no that's not my job.

Shitonthebloodything · 17/12/2018 07:16

No dilemma here. I'd say "yes that's fine just give me your card and I'll put the orders through for you online, they charge X amount for gift wrapping". And if he doesn't hand it over just laugh and refuse to do it.

GreenHillOpposite · 17/12/2018 07:18

I get the feeling that you’re going to do it al anyway. The point of this thread was to give you the satisfaction of knowing you’re a martyr whilst you do so.

Truckingonandon · 17/12/2018 07:18

Do you REALLY need to ask?

justilou1 · 17/12/2018 07:23

I am very interested to hear how this has played out when you told him where to shove his list. Did you break out your Nancy Reagan and "Just Say NO!"?

Fightthebear · 17/12/2018 07:23

Sorry to be rude but you’re acting like a doormat. Why?

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