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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - not spending dds first christmas with her?

382 replies

BlondeAmbition44 · 16/12/2018 20:19

DD was born 8 weeks ago and its her first christmas Xmas Grin I am really excited and am really looking forward to it. DP on the other hand keeps saying he doesnt understand why its such a big thing as she wont remember it...

now heres where i might be being unreasonable, both sets of parents have offered to have us on christmas day, my parents can only have everyone on christmas day as db is working boxing day, however dp "dm" is insisting he is at their house christmas eve, christmas day and boxing day...

He has agreed it is best for me and dd to go to my parents on christmas day so he will leave us up to stay on christmas eve and he will lift her in the morninh for boxing day at his parents... am i being unreasonable to think he should want to spend some time with dd on christmas day and not just to drop us off on xmas eve and back to lift her on boxing day, and am i being unreasonable to think his "dm" shouldnt be insisting on all 3 days with him?

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 17/12/2018 08:25

Surely the other Boxing Day guests will think this is really really weird and wonder where you are - I would. We would wonder in the car in the way home if they’d buried you under the patio

MumW · 17/12/2018 08:57

im trying to keep everyone happy and really making myself miserable, going to have to sit dp down and "lay down the law"... god i must sound like such a delight
Go Blonde go!
You are not trying to please everyone, you are trying to appease MIL and your DP is being a shit partner and letting his 'D'M walk rough shod all over the 3 of you.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You are a new mother and your hormones and emotions are all over the place and you are sleep deprived so you haven't been seing the wood for the trees. However, you are now seeing the situation for what it is. Time to make a stand and set the way things are to be in the future, if you have a future together. At the moment, you really aren't together in any sense of the word.

The power of MN is behind you.

BeanBagLady · 17/12/2018 09:15

“going to have to sit dp down and "lay down the law"... god i must sound like such a delight “

Don’t do yourself down. You are simply being clear and direct about your own POV and you have no less right to do that than him, or his Mum. And you have MORE right where it concerns taking your tiny baby away for a whole day.

Who is trying to keep you happy?
No one.
Why not?

CurbsideProphet · 17/12/2018 09:23

I read posts on Mumsnet and feel so sad that women live their lives with men who don't give a shit about them.

It's not normal for a man to take a tiny baby away from its mum, just to please his own mother.

Ceecee18 · 17/12/2018 09:25

The more responces i read the angrier im getting

Good! Get angrier. Then sit your DP down and tell him your baby doesn't go anywhere without you on Boxing Day. And make sure he knows you mean it, don't let him change your mind. Your baby is 8 weeks old, she needs to be with you, not his mommy!

If you give in and don't stand up for yourself they will walk all over you. This will just be the start of it. Time to start showing him you won't let him make you miserable just because he can't stand up to his mom.

MsTSwift · 17/12/2018 09:29

Also I hope I don’t sound patronising but when your are a mother you sometimes have to piss off other adults for your child’s sake. The nicey nicey people pleaser thing women get drummed into them has to be set aside in order to be a good mother. You are just having to do this earlier than most of us have to.

Needsmorebeans · 17/12/2018 09:59

I'm glad you're angry as I'm absolutely fuming on your behalf. Your MIL seems to be trying to airbrush you out of your own family and your DP needs to start putting you and DD first . First red line should be DD will not be going anywhere without you on Boxing Day. This is incredibly insulting from your MIL and your DP shoukd be ashamed of himself in going along with it.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 17/12/2018 10:01

There's no room for you on Boxing Day, but there is room for your DP and DD? And DP hasn't challenged this?

Are you being punished for going to your own family on Christmas Day?

There seem to be bigger issues to address than what happens on that one day, OP.

Holidayshopping · 17/12/2018 10:03

No way would he be taking my 8 week old away from me so I could spend Boxing Day alone! What’s the matter with him?!

I would be saying-we spend Xmas together-all of us as a family-or we won’t be spending any time together at all and split up.

sparklepops123 · 17/12/2018 10:56

Neither of them are showing you any respect so show the same courtesy back. Unbelievable

Bekabeech · 17/12/2018 10:57

No 8 week old baby should be separated from their parent for a whole day - this isn't even possible really if they are breast fed.
Parents are usually together with their child at Christmas - the exceptions are if one has to work or they are separated.
Lots of children don't have contact with one or more grandparent - not ideal - but can be far better than contact with a controlling individual.

You might as well split now and enjoy your DD for the whole of Christmas while you can.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/12/2018 11:01

Your partner is a dick.

He can spend Xmas Eve with you and DD at his Mums if that's what you both want. Then sleep at yours, and over to your Mum for Lunch. Great idea with a new born baby as you won't be running round like a headless chicken. He can then do what he pleases Boxing Day and personally I'd say but he doesn't get the baby.. She's 8 weeks old, presumably you're primary carer. It's 20 miles away and you aren't welcome. So she gets him, all or you or no one.

steppemum · 17/12/2018 11:13

Oh OP, your partner is hopeless.

PLEASE do not allow him to collect baby from you to take to MIL.
Just say to him - no, baby is too small, either we both go to MIL or neither of us. I do not need a 'day off' the baby needs to e with their primary carer, which is me.

PLEASE tell you DP that he has to make a basic choice. Is he or is he not a family with you and baby? If he is then you all do Christmas together as a family. If not, then pack his bag and go back to his mums permanently.

You need to be really firm about this, because this is setting the precedent for how it is going to be. Take a stand. Don;t worry about being unpopular/ or causing a fuss etc. You are the mother of a newborn, and YOUR needs should have taken centre stage over what is happening at Christmas.

I would suggest. Sleep at your house. Go to your mums on Christmas day, go to his on boxing day AS A FAMILY. (or go to his Christmas eve and then to your mums) and your partner needs to tell his mum- all of us or none mum, we come as a package now.

erykahb · 17/12/2018 14:18

He's weird. You're in a relationship- surely you spend equal time at either parents

Tell him he's so weird

dwab45 · 17/12/2018 17:31

I should put your foot down now with a firm hand. You have started your own family, your focus. The last thing you need is an annual touring circus with your children.

ViragoKnows · 17/12/2018 17:32

I should put your foot down now with a firm hand.

Xmas Grin
winniestone37 · 17/12/2018 17:33

Basically none of us can have it all, whilst she won't remember any if it the point is you're a unit now and have every right to say actually we're doing our own thing. If you don't set clear boundaries extended family expectations will cripple you all. All of you Stay home.

Tessabelle1 · 17/12/2018 17:51

We have Christmas day with just us, we always have since our children were born. If people want to come here, they're more than welcome but we don't leave home on Christmas day. If it's upsetting you then your husband should want to spend the time with you, motherhood is very overwhelming at this age and he should support you regardless of his mother's wishes

mlrmummy1 · 17/12/2018 17:54

Absolutely awful!
There’s no way I’d hand my 8wk old baby over to my in-laws for the day.
Are in-laws and your partner able to comfort baby the way you are?! No matter how hands on they are I couldn’t be separated from my baby. The whole ‘have a day off’ sounds like they are trying to be kind when really they just want their mits on the baby.
Put your foot down, you are the mother and without you baby doesn’t exist.

Sb74 · 17/12/2018 17:58

Your husband should be with you and your daughter wherever you all are. His priority should be you, as his family. Needs to cut the apron strings.

Sb74 · 17/12/2018 17:59

And there’s no way I would hand my baby over to anyone. It’s all ridiculous.

Aragog · 17/12/2018 18:06

There is no way I would be spending a whole day away from my 8 week old baby, let alone it being over Christmas time. I didn't need a day off at that stage! It would have left me upset, and there'd be no relaxing day off waiting for her to return to me. I wouldn't be overly happy about spending a whole day away from my teenage child on Boxing Day - no chance it would be happening with a baby!

Do not let this happen if you don't want it to!!!

smiler0206 · 17/12/2018 18:07

Cant stand pushy demanding mils. I have one myself but my dh has learnt to stick up for himself and say no, this is why mil hasnt been in touch for 12 months not even to wish our 2 dds happy birthday. YANBU its your first christmas as a family, yes dd wont remember it but you will and thats so sad as it should be happy memories

ToftyAC · 17/12/2018 18:11

Me and my (now ex) husband used to run this system OP. It worked pretty well. But although it’s xmas, it is just a day and your OH will have lots of xmases yet.

MirandaGoshawk · 17/12/2018 18:14

My advice is to start as you mean to go on, otherwise they'll always think they can dictate to you. No way should you be separated from your baby! You're a family. Time to think about what you want, tell your DP how you feel, and the rellies can work round it. Happy Christmas!

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