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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - not spending dds first christmas with her?

382 replies

BlondeAmbition44 · 16/12/2018 20:19

DD was born 8 weeks ago and its her first christmas Xmas Grin I am really excited and am really looking forward to it. DP on the other hand keeps saying he doesnt understand why its such a big thing as she wont remember it...

now heres where i might be being unreasonable, both sets of parents have offered to have us on christmas day, my parents can only have everyone on christmas day as db is working boxing day, however dp "dm" is insisting he is at their house christmas eve, christmas day and boxing day...

He has agreed it is best for me and dd to go to my parents on christmas day so he will leave us up to stay on christmas eve and he will lift her in the morninh for boxing day at his parents... am i being unreasonable to think he should want to spend some time with dd on christmas day and not just to drop us off on xmas eve and back to lift her on boxing day, and am i being unreasonable to think his "dm" shouldnt be insisting on all 3 days with him?

OP posts:
StillMe1 · 17/12/2018 01:04

I have experience of a demanding MIL and a DH who could not stand up to his family. They pushed and pushed but I stuck to year about with each set of Parents/Grandparents.
The year the bio DGC was born the emotional blackmail ramped up to horrendous levels. I didn't go that Christmas and a few months later DH was a thing of the past. After that they never once saw the Step or Bio DGC at any time never mind Christmas. If they had not been so demanding things might have been different.
The emotional crap continued for years but I was having none of it.
You have both a PILs problem and a DH problem and I think you have to stand up to this now and make it clear how you expect Christmas to be. It is not acceptable to try to have a new father away from anew baby on the First Christmas, nor is it acceptable to have a new baby away from the mother for a full day.
Time to fight your corner and make sure you are suited rather than a silly woman with unrealistic ideas

Weezol · 17/12/2018 01:38

No,no,no!

I don't have a baby. I've never had a baby. I think trying to take an 8 week old from Mum is beyond awful. I'm furious on your behalf.

If a know nothing like me can see this, why can't he - he's a bloody father!

Cubrrt · 17/12/2018 02:13

OP, this is completely batshit. Foot down.

And if he'd really rather spend Xmas with his mother than his partner and newborn child, you have some real problems on your hands. The Boxing Day situation is completely unacceptable too.

Congrats on DD though! Hope DP can be shaken to his senses.

BertieBotts · 17/12/2018 02:30

Hang on, everyone hold up.

Are you quite young OP or is this a fairly new relationship? I'm wondering because that's exactly what the dynamics sound like to me - like DP's parents think he is still their child who comes home for Christmas rather than an adult, a father, with his own family. I notice you're not married too which also made me wonder.

What did you do for Christmas last year?

delboysskinandblister · 17/12/2018 03:07

No YADNBU and definitely not making a mountain out of a mole hill. You sound the only rational one in that family.

Have they forgotten that you are the mother? You spent 9months carrying and bonding and delivering baby? Has MIL realised that she is no longer head of the family unit - you and DP are, and to that effect have your own family and own Christmas and will only visit relatives as and when you want.

2 issues here.

  1. DP needs to bond with his baby first Christmas I know not any dad that would put his DM before his newborn. That is just a sign he hasn't grown up and away from his mum and accepted that his is a responsible and loving father who needs to bond with baby and cherish first Christmas.

  2. New baby DC is not another present from under the Christmas tree that is to be 'lifted' just to amuse his mum and take the responsibility of spending any times with his own child. This is a time he will never get back. You need to stand firm. MIL will not be demanding 3 days hogging the limelight and she needs to concentrate on finishing bringing her own 'baby' up first.

You are the hand that rocks the cradle. Your baby your rules. I think you need to set the tone that yes everyone could see baby if they are adult about it but no demands will be made from the wider family. But ultimately if they squabble and behave badly you stand firm and enjoy your baby and first Christmas and all the special memories and if DP insists on Mummy then she can have him. Permanently

Enjoy your Christmas Xmas Smile

MsJuniper · 17/12/2018 05:07

This the arrangement of a couple who have split up and sharing access. Even if that proves true I would not be separated from an 8wo for a day. Especially to spend time with one person who apparently doesn't care about seeing them on Christmas Day, and two others who are openly hostile towards you.

WinnieFosterTether · 17/12/2018 05:17

This would only make sense if your relationship was falling apart. Look at it objectively: you're spending no time together as a family and your 'D'P is collecting your DD and taking her away to spend time with his 'family'.
Stay home and have Christmas together. Your 'D'P 's mum doesn't get to dictate when you spend time with your DD or your partner. You need to create boundaries now.

Blondebakingmumma · 17/12/2018 05:18

Hell would freeze over before he took baby away from me

^^this!

Baby stay with you. You are a package deal, MIL doesn’t get to push you out of Christmas

IPromiseIWontBeNaughty · 17/12/2018 05:22

No no no

Please your baby & yourself.

Your MIL can go swing. Your dp isn’t much better.

Bigonesmallone3 · 17/12/2018 05:23

Of course it matters, baby won't remember a thing but u will! And the pics of babies first Christmas will remind everyone!
I remember where each of my DC spent there first Xmas..

lily2403 · 17/12/2018 06:10

My advice is don’t do it, if you start now it will happen every year, stay strong and stuck to your guns

If your not happy the people around you won’t be, you may be able to fake it just now but that will lessen over the years
Flowers

Sooveritg · 17/12/2018 06:19

Your post is confusing. If it was me, hell or high water wouldn't separate me from my child on her first Christmas. However, since he's not pushed, let him off. Suit yourself and your dd. It's his loss.
I still have dd's first Christmas photo where I look like death warmed up and dd looks like she's on drugs while she's looking at the Christmas tree. She was 3 months old lol.

blueskiesandforests · 17/12/2018 06:33

BlondeAmbition44 do you and your baby's father live together? This sounds like an arrangement a new couple not living together, or a separated / divorced couple with a child in common would have.

At 8 weeks old you and your baby are a package deal - the idea that an 8 week old is to be removed from her mother on some kind of time share basis is utterly wrong, and you obviously know that if it gives you anxiety to be separated from her for an hour. Are you breast feeding.

Your man is a weak and clueless child I'm afraid. You had a baby 8 weeks ago - how utterly cold and immature is he? My 11 year old son would know that's wrong Sad BrewCake

strawberryblondebint · 17/12/2018 06:38

Oh honey please please stand up for yourself. This sounds like if you let this go ahead you will find her taking your baby to give you a "break" whenever she feels like it. And it will be harder to say no. Don't set a precedent now.
A mother should not be separated from an 8 week old. Tell your husband and his mother or won't be happening.

PrtScn · 17/12/2018 06:48

We have a 10week old. My mother was quite insistent we all go to hers for Xmas. We have said no. We are just staying home at Xmas and will do the visiting from Boxing Day onwards. Tell him you’d rather stay at home as a new family and maybe you will accept visitors later that day/evening.

WendyWoofer · 17/12/2018 07:05

OP you've had plenty of replies, all very much stating the same, so I won't comment further on that.

What I can't understand is why your DP wants to spent the 3 days over Christmas with his parents, rather than with his DP. Is this something you have discussed with him or is it just another given that you have to comply with?

imamearcat · 17/12/2018 07:12

If you've got an 8 week old then I think you should be calling the shots not his bloody mother!

It's not important to the baby but it's important to you. You should be spending it as a family.

MsJolly · 17/12/2018 07:25

Rarely seen unanimous AIBU!

mateysmum · 17/12/2018 07:30

"she has too many on boxing day apparently "

If MIL's sorry excuse for not inviting you on Boxing Day is that she has got too many other people coming, then she really does want DD there just to show her off and hand her round like a parcel. If she wants DD there then you should be the guest of honour instead she's made her view perfectly clear, she views all her other guests as far more important than you. If your DP can't see how insulting this is and how ridiculous it is to separate a tiny baby from her mummy for a whole day, then you really do have a problem.

I assume you aren't breast feeding?

mateysmum · 17/12/2018 07:32

Also, if there are loads of guests there how are DP and MIL going to give full attention to the constant needs of a small baby and how is DD going to feel, out of her home routine surrounded by lots of noisy strangers?

WomanWithAltitude · 17/12/2018 07:32

I'm also wondering why a grown man with a partner and child lets his mum dictate how he spends Xmas. Totally batshit - he needs to sort his priorities.

LoniceraJaponica · 17/12/2018 07:34

"I'm also wondering why a grown man with a partner and child lets his mum dictate how he spends Xmas. Totally batshit - he needs to sort his priorities."

This ^^

Jackshouse · 17/12/2018 07:36

Your daughter won’t remember. I would be more concerned with DH wanting to let you do all the parenting and him not wanting to see his newborn.

MIL thought we would continue to go to our respective parents after DD was born but funnily enough DH actually wanted to spend time with his child over Christmas.

BeanBagLady · 17/12/2018 07:42

"I'm also wondering why a grown man with a partner and child lets his mum dictate how he spends Xmas. Totally batshit - he needs to sort his priorities."

I think he has sorted his priorities, and that’s the problem. He, and his family see the baby as family but have no interest in or care for the OP.

LoniceraJaponica · 17/12/2018 07:43

When OH and I got married we told both sets of parents that we would alternate Christmases with family every year. As they lived at opposite ends of the country spending one day with one family and another with the other family wasn't an option.

Neither set of parents was upset or offended as we both had the kind of relationship with our families that guilt tripping just didn't happen. We also lived hundreds of miles away from each family ourselves.