Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - not spending dds first christmas with her?

382 replies

BlondeAmbition44 · 16/12/2018 20:19

DD was born 8 weeks ago and its her first christmas Xmas Grin I am really excited and am really looking forward to it. DP on the other hand keeps saying he doesnt understand why its such a big thing as she wont remember it...

now heres where i might be being unreasonable, both sets of parents have offered to have us on christmas day, my parents can only have everyone on christmas day as db is working boxing day, however dp "dm" is insisting he is at their house christmas eve, christmas day and boxing day...

He has agreed it is best for me and dd to go to my parents on christmas day so he will leave us up to stay on christmas eve and he will lift her in the morninh for boxing day at his parents... am i being unreasonable to think he should want to spend some time with dd on christmas day and not just to drop us off on xmas eve and back to lift her on boxing day, and am i being unreasonable to think his "dm" shouldnt be insisting on all 3 days with him?

OP posts:
Fightthebear · 17/12/2018 18:24

Be brave op, you can’t put up with this.

ferrier · 17/12/2018 18:35
  1. baby should be with you at all times ... unless you need a break
  2. dp should be with you both on Christmas Day.
  3. in a normal world you, dp and baby will visit both sets of gps together. Preferably for equal amounts of time or alternating one year to the next
  4. if dp's parents 'haven't got room!' for you then they don't have room for baby either.
AvaJane · 17/12/2018 18:37

Your Baby, your rules!

A Child's first Christmas should be spent with their Parents. If your DP wishes to run off to his DM then that is on him. It is wrong. Very wrong. But ultimately his choice. However, I would be making it clear that he would be spending all three days without you both.

Please, stand firm and stick to your guns. You can do this!

3timeslucky · 17/12/2018 18:45

The point is not whether your dd remembers or not. The point is that it is your first Christmas as a family of three. The fact that your DP doesn't automatically get that baffles me.

It also baffles me that any grown man (or woman) might think they should spend their Christmas with their birth family rather than the one they have chosen to create (unless there are some special circumstances and agreement - which clearly there are not).

As for him heading off with your daughter ... in his dreams. What an arse. Him and his mother both.

Sb74 · 17/12/2018 18:50

I feel angrier for you every post. What a selfish cow you mil is. Any normal person wouldn’t dream of making your partner be apart from his new family. Your partner needs to understand this is totally wrong. I hope you resolve this.

Icanttakemuchmore · 17/12/2018 18:54

Your dp needs to grow a pair. You come as a package and if one gets invited over Christmas then you both do. Boxing day is almost as big a day as Christmas day do why sjoyld you spend it apart from your dp and also your newborn? Sounds crazy to me. If your dps dm has too many for boxing day then ease her burden and your dp doesn't go. Crazy! My dh wouldnt dream of spending it apart from me.

Forzaitalia · 17/12/2018 18:58

You poor girl. You have so many people telling you what you must do over Xmas and with your new baby. How lovely if you could stay at home with DP and your little one. You know what? You can! If your partner doesn’t agree then he’s not nice, sorry. All that matters is you three, not what anyone else says. Don’t worry what others think of you - it really doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t.

My husband and I usually spend Xmas day with my family (all lovely of course!) and Boxing Day with hubbies family. Two of my family are spending the day at home this year. That’s fine, they work hard and need the time off. Nobody judges them and nobody should. I hope you come to a decision that keeps YOU happy. 💜

Icanttakemuchmore · 17/12/2018 19:04

Also, why is he not spending Christmas day with you and your Dd?

Bambamber · 17/12/2018 19:04

Your partner is allowing his mother to treat you like shit.

If they don't have space for you on boxing day, they don't have space for your baby. Don't let them bully you into spending the whole day without such a young baby. I know it must be really tough, but you don't have to keep everyone happy, you do have a say in this whether they like it or not. They will keep controlling you until you take back your power

floribunda18 · 17/12/2018 19:05

I don't see how spending Christmas at home is a good deal for the OP. She'll probably then have to cook as well as look after the baby. Much better to go to her mum's and be spoiled, but her DP should go to, then to his mum's on Boxing Day.

floribunda18 · 17/12/2018 19:07

I was breastfeeding and would certainly not be away from DDs for a whole day at that age.

dragonslair · 17/12/2018 19:13

When DS1 was born my then DH, a horrible abusive stingy man, decided no presents on Xmas Day. Not even for DS who was 6 weeks. I bought one secret present for DS as I felt so awful about it. DS is now 29. I think about it every single Xmas and have done for every Xmas for the last 28 years. Baby's first Xmas is really important. You don't have to go overboard by any means, presents don't count, but be there, have the warm feelings, be a family. You will regret it otherwise, in my experience/opinion.

Purplealienpuke · 17/12/2018 19:14

I'm unsure how your dp fathered a child when he's a eunuch!
Why would he not stand up to his mother??? Tell her to get to fuck? I don't think you should be allowing him to take your child to his mother's without you ffs. No room my arse. No decent grandparents would EVER say this about the parent of a new baby or demand it. She sounds bat shit.
I hope you've been able to speak to him and TELL HIM it's no longer the plan & demand he puts the daft bint straight....
Or pack his bags. Maybe his mum had his nads pickled and is wearing them as earrings??

Blarblarblar · 17/12/2018 19:14

Come on lady. This is your life, your family. You are a grown woman with your own child. Start as you mean to go on, do not let your In-laws dictate your choices. Be an example of a strong capable woman for your daughter. Pleasing people you don’t like is exhausting you will never be what they want so give up now and have a better life. You can do it!!!!!

Sb74 · 17/12/2018 19:17

I feel like mnetters should all go around and sort this out. Aargh. Poor OP will be exhausted and probably feeling a bit vulnerable at the moment. The last thing OP needs is all this crap. I’m still in shock st all really. Total arseholes all of them. My Mil was all a bit manipulative when my hubby spent first Christmas Eve/morning with me early days. Soon got over that one as he was having none of it. Got a load of hassle that day though. Sulking when we went to see them later on thst day! It’s ridiculous how people think!!!

mylifestory · 17/12/2018 19:25

I had my DD near xmas, anyone who wanted to come and visit was welcome the first year. We all stayed at home!

GabriellaMontez · 17/12/2018 19:32

I have a similar debate going on. But I'm divorced from a wanker.

XXcstatic · 17/12/2018 19:43

I don't see how spending Christmas at home is a good deal for the OP. She'll probably then have to cook as well as look after the baby. Much better to go to her mum's and be spoiled, but her DP should go to, then to his mum's on Boxing Day

This.

canadianbanana · 17/12/2018 19:49

YANBU I'm sure your DH is a lovely fellow, but what is up with men who won't stand up to their parents' demands? Why can't they tell (usually their moms) that they are spending time with their partner? I have found men bend over backward to accommodate their mom's wishes but not their partner's. Its weird. I never had trouble telling my parents when we were able to be there for Christmas and when not. My parents were fine with it but my MIL always had her nose out of joint if we dared to spend time with my parents and would make passive aggressive comments about my parents' unreasonable demands on our time.

TowerRavenSeven · 17/12/2018 19:55

Are you married? Because he is acting like he is single.

user1485851222 · 17/12/2018 19:55

Regardless of how old your child is, your DP and child are your immediate family, the 3 of you should be together on Christmas day. Spend Christmas day together, re Boxing day, if only your DP and child are invited to your partner's mother's, advise her at 8 weeks old your child is too young to be away from you. So your DP can visit her, but you and your child won't be. Your partner needs to stand up to his mother otherwise you will have a similar problem every Christmas....

MrsFassy · 17/12/2018 19:57

I'd also be wary @BlondeAmbition44 that your MiL doesn't encourage your partner to have 'just one more' to the point he can't drive home safely and they get to keep your baby overnight.

NotBeforeCoffee · 17/12/2018 20:11

Your mother in law is being very unreasonable. And your husband is being unreasonable for not standing up to her. Will she expect this every year?
You need to start your own traditions as a family (you, DH&DC)

Sillyshell · 17/12/2018 20:13

Op I'm just wondering what your parents think of this? They must think it's not right and maybe they can help you see this and stand up to him and MIL

Nats1606 · 17/12/2018 20:27

F that all the way to 2019 my love.

That. Is. Not. Normal.

He’s YOUR partner and the father of your child, not a drippy teenage boyfriend. You two should be together with your baby and (if you both wish) travel together to other places at your convenience. You’re being abandoned because mummy has clicked her fingers then informed that your baby is being whisked off without you so that they can be passed around like a trophy while you sit at your mum’s stewing and counting down the hours??

Hell no. Please put your foot down.