AIBU - not spending dds first christmas with her?

[BlondeAmbition44]

DD was born 8 weeks ago and its her first christmas I am really excited and am really looking forward to it. DP on the other hand keeps saying he doesnt understand why its such a big thing as she wont remember it...

now heres where i might be being unreasonable, both sets of parents have offered to have us on christmas day, my parents can only have everyone on christmas day as db is working boxing day, however dp "dm" is insisting he is at their house christmas eve, christmas day and boxing day...

He has agreed it is best for me and dd to go to my parents on christmas day so he will leave us up to stay on christmas eve and he will lift her in the morninh for boxing day at his parents... am i being unreasonable to think he should want to spend some time with dd on christmas day and not just to drop us off on xmas eve and back to lift her on boxing day, and am i being unreasonable to think his "dm" shouldnt be insisting on all 3 days with him?

Set a good precedent now. It's so hard to change down the line.
He should stay with you. You're a family. Pil may get the hump but they'll get over it. By next year, it'll be accepted and each year, it'll get easier 😁

BlondeAmbition44 do you always put other people's feeling before your own?

It's easily done, especially as women, as we're heavily socialised to be nice, to put others first. Men are socialised to put themselves first.

This doesn't make it OK. It makes it far from OK.

I'm just mentioning it as I wonder if you've ever really said "no" to your DP before? If he's used to getting his own way, he may react badly.

Again, that's not saying it's OK, it's certainly not.

I'm just forewarning you in case his reaction takes you by surprise, and he really doesn't want to hear "no", so you can be aware of the dynamic and be clear that being separated from your baby, for example, is non negotiable.

This thread might be useful food for thought: Saying no to men

More generally, now you come as a pair (you and the baby I mean) and you're responsible for her well-being, you may need to find your inner strength to stand up to people - such as MIL - more. (It's in there, I promise!)

Seriously. Why do women marry these poor excuses for men. She's his mother, not his medieval Liege Lord. He's not bound by an Oath to serve her and she's not some sort of deity. She's his Mother and whilst being inclusive of wider and extended family at Christmas is one thing. Shoving your wife to the side to run to Mummy for Christmas and basically erase you from existence is deplorable. If you were my daughter I'd be asking you thought you were worth do little, and why you settled for a such a waster.

Yeah..... if you were talking about splitting time between say London, Cardiff and Edinburgh I could see how it would be a problem. But 20 miles? Nah. You all stay at home and have a designated driver to allow you to visit on Xmas/eve/boxing whatever and then go home same day.

going to have to sit dp down and "lay down the law"... god i must sound like such a delight

It's healthy to stick up for yourself, and to point out when your partner is making you unhappy. It's hard to gauge from reading a few posts, but you sound like you have quite low self esteem.

His proposed plan is not going to work for you. Think about what you want to do, and then tell him. You can't make him stay home with you if he doesn't want to, but you can decide where you and your still tiny baby will spend Christmas.

I agree with many people above.He should want to spend Christmas with you and dd wherever that is.As for leaving you Christmas day AND then taking the baby on boxing Day,just NO.
This is not about his mother this is him showing you where his priorities are and you are not on that list.Also you dd is not on it as he is taking your dd so his mother has her,not him,and without you.
You need to just say that you will let her see any of the family but she is not leaving you.Be firm and put you and your dd first.

Listen sometimes families don't get on, I get that and sometimes families don't want the partner around, I get that. What
I don't get is your dp.
Also what I never get are mothers of son's mainly ( grandmothers) who expect certain behaviours they would not do, nor have they experienced.
Yes at 8 weeks you could go out with a friend for a few hours with out lo if you want, but to be told and demanded on such a special occasion is ridiculous.
Even more so, op from your own words you explain how much your looking forward to Christmas.

Word of wisdom coming ,
don't be a jerk nor a martyr.
Simply your dp is the lo ones parent, so has a input in where they go but only up too a point. If you make to much of a sacrifice to yourself, you will become resentful. And it will damage your relationship in the long run.
Also, so more wisdom coming: YOU can't please everyone, especially if they don't like you! Once people see you a certain way, it won't matter what you do.

Sorry so grammar- to tired to care

@BlondeAmbition44 you are a delight and you want to spend your first Christmas as a family with your child and your partner. There is nothing wrong with that!

FYI...my DP not long came in from the pub (had a few in fairness) I told him about your post and his response was "not a chance, the post must be a lie no man would do that"

For the record we do not in anyway think you're lying at all just can't comprehend the behaviour of your other half that's all.

You deserve more than this and you have to talk to him about it sooner rather than later don't let it build inside

Just ALL of the no.

Please, please, PLEASE insist that DD is NOT taken on Boxing Day.

What they are suggesting is WRONG.

The reason you feel anxious is because it's WRONG.

They'll try to make it out it's you being the awkward one. It's not. It's them, being fucking awful cunts.

I'm so angry for you that they are doing this when you've recently had a baby and are vulnerable.

Now's the time to let that mama bear out. Fuck what they think. Your baby and you being together is more important.

Good luck.

I agree you can't please everyone - so you should please yourself first

His DM wants to see the baby? Well you are part of that while she's so little.

Your feeling count far more than his mothers or his while you are dealing with a newborn.

Your DD needs to be with you at that age. No space at the in laws? She doesn't go and tell your DP to not bother coming back.

Or tell your DP this is what is going to happen:

You live quite close so do Christmas eve with one family and wake up in your own home on Christmas morning. Then do the other family for the rest of the day. Next year do the opposite days for each family.

I had a similar MIL problem when my DD was 10 days old. In the end my DH understood he would lose us. It's taken a few years of training to get to a stage we are happy about but will never forgive my MIL for interfering at a time when I was most fragile.

I think your baby won't know any different but I think you need to start as you mean to go on. He needs to man up and maybe as it's only 20 miles he should stay together and just visit both on Christmas Day.

His mother is insisting they have all three days with him and fuck any other commitments or desires you (plural) have to spend time with anyone else? And he went along with this? I am surprised he fathered a child as he appears to be lacking balls.
Why on earth does he or she think this is ok?
When you become a couple and a family unit, you work together as a unit. Him spending these three days at his parents is not being a unit, it is pandering to mommy's desire to have him all to herself.
He should put you first.

Ok so baby won't remember but you will. If this goes ahead, you will be setting a precident which will get more difficult to change as years go on.

Christmas should be split three ways in this case. Just you as your new unit, his parents, your parents, together. You can switch it round next year but with you guys calling the shots not mummy.
Unreal.

Well if there is no room for you OP, then there is certainly no room for your DD and all the equipment a baby needs. I would tell your ‘dh’ that if he wants to see his daughter on Boxing Day, then he can have access at your parents house for x amount of time. She will under NO circumstances be leaving without you. If MIL is really refusing to have you and your dd over and he is allowing this, then you need to consider whether you want to be in your marriage!

Your asshole h is allowing his controlling Mother to exclude you from the family. There is no way in hell that I would allow her access to my baby when she is treating you like a babymaking machine that has served her purpose! If she doesn’t want you there, she doesn’t get dd! End of. If your “D’ H doesn’t like it, he can fuck off back to his Mothers and bloody well stay there!

Your dd is 8 weeks old,it is reasonable to allow him access at your home/ parents home until she is older and not going to be negatively impacted by being torn from her Mother, who has been her constant comfort as she grew in the womb. I would seriously end my marriage over this! I have been through hell with my now thankfully estranged MIL, however she was never stupid enough to try to part me from my baby!

This whole idea sounds insane. Your baby is going to get quite distressed being carted around different houses without having her mother around. Why not start your own tradition of having Christmas Day on your own at home with both parents present?

You sound like the right sort of delight - a new Mum who loves her baby and wants to create a strong family for that baby. I hope that you manage to talk some sense into your DP. It is bad enough that you are to be separated from him christmas eve and day but it is utterly not on to have your tiny new baby taken from you on Boxing Day. His mother has 2 choices - there is no room, so none of you can come, or - she can squeeze in another and you bring your lovely new daughter to meet the extended family. Previous posters are right - there is no way that she would have been separated from her son for a day at 8 weeks, so why should you?

There is no way that would be happening in my house! MIL would never ask for this but you should certainly be sticking up for yourself here op. How dare she not invite you but expect you to give up your baby for the day to please her! No way! And dp should be with you on Christmas Day. If he doesn’t already know that I have concerns over the relationship’s future.

This is such a special time for you all and I cannot believe your dp has suggested this as it is completely unfair of him. I would suggest that you tell dh that he can spend Christmas with his dm if he likes, however you and your baby will be spending it at your dm’s and he will not be coming to “lift her” on Boxing Day, after all her first Christmas isn’t important so why would he want to bother coming to get her? If he feels this is unfair you should stay at home and spend the day by yourselves without either family. It makes me wonder how solid your relationship is if he is willing to drop his dp and dd off, to go and spend Christmas with his dm and not see either of you on Christmas Day! It is a day for families and the 2 of you are his most important family. DD will not remember it, but she should have lots of photos of you both helping her to open her presents on Christmas Day to look back on. How will she feel a few years down the line when she is looking at photos of her first Christmas and when she asks where was daddy, she is told he wasn’t there, he couldn’t be bothered spending any time with her as he preferred spending the time with his mother???
You need to sort this out now and ask who are his priority, his mother or his dp and dd? His dm seems to be very demanding and he is enabling her to dictate what he is going to do. What happens if she makes other demands, will he drop both you and dd to do her bidding? Put your foot down.

The mind absolutely boggles when some people refuse to budge from their christmasses as children. Even if they are now married with their own children.

Just hell no!

My DD was a similar age last year. Even now I wouldn’t want to part with her for a day.

The have a day off is just bullshit.

Stand up for yourself and tell him a firm no. In fact, tell him that he needs to prioritise his new family over his mother.

BTW, just because she is her GM doesn’t give her the right to dictate nor be overbearing with YOUR child.

Time to pull up those big girl pants.

I don't think it's at all important for the baby, but I don't think he should be leaving you. It's very odd that he'd even consider iy

While you sound lovely and caring, thinking of others - you say that, after all your MIL is DDs grandma and she is DH mother - it’s about time you realised that you are MUMMY to DD and luckily for you the MUMMY top trump card beats everything else!!!

You would have been able to hear me laughing if DH had told me I had a ‘ day off’ from my 8 week old DD and then you would have heard him scream as I cut his balls off for him to give to his mummy! No way on gods earth would I have spent a day away from my baby. It took me all my time to leave her with my mum for an hour while i went shopping. I used to go a bit ‘ funny’ when we were separated!

As everybody else has told you, this is wrong on so many levels.
If you are on the whole happy with your DH then yes, you need to start being firm and telling him how it will be from now on.
If he wants - this year only mind- to go and spend Christmas with his mummy then he can - Dd won’t remember ( but she will ask when she is older why he isn’t on the pictures) but this will be the last one. And under no circumstances whatsoever will he be taking DD anywhere without her mummy being attached to her. And even if you receive a late invite I would be tempted to tell MIL to sod off.
It’s disgustingly rude and cruel to invite her son and only her son for Christmas when he has a family of his own , and as for wanting your DD but not inviting you...........that’s so so SO fucking rude. She is a CF of the highest degree.

You are a mummy now. Stand up to your DH and his dreadful mother. Tell them both how things are going to be. Be firm and clear so there can be no misunderstanding. You have to be strong for your DD - it’s time to stop caring about the fact that MIL is grandma as she is somebody I would be keeping well away from my daughter.
Be strong and have a glorious Christmas with your little girl - it’s a nice one the first one but for the next half dozen years they will just get better and better!!

To have a day off from such a young baby is not a treat, it is more like a punishment for mum and the baby. It would make your Christmas worse not better. The 3 of you (mum, dad, baby) are family and should be together. Grandparents may be able to share a little of it with you.

Please don't let them take your baby away from you OP

"im trying to keep everyone happy and really making myself miserable"
OK - WHY are you trying to keep everyone happy? Why is their happiness your responsibility? Are they reciprocating - are they trying to keep you happy? Or are they absolutely oblivious to your happiness?

Sadly, from the get-go we are indoctrinated by the whole 'sugar and spice and all things nice' agenda. We are trained to be nice, to think of others, to put ourselves last. And that might work out OK if absolutely everyone did the same; but as we all know - they don't. Your partner doesn't. His mother doesn't. They don't give even think about the happiness of anyone but themselves.

So - stop it. Stop trying to keep them happy. They don't appreciate it, and they won't reciprocate it. The only person whose happiness is your responsibility is YOU. And you have to start putting yourself first.

You don't want your baby to leave your side - totally understandable, we've all been there. And your daughter doesn't have to be away from you. Just because someone asked doesn't mean you can't say no. 'No, you're not taking my baby from me'. 'No, your mother does not decide how I spend Christmas'. 'No'.

So far you've been nice - " i stay pleasent for dp" - how's that been working out? Does he appreciate your efforts to be pleasant to his mother? (Does he even notice?) Or does he just take it for granted? Maybe it's time to take a leaf out of her book - "everything is her way or no way" since your partner seems to respond to this with obedience!

In short - it's time to stop smiling and waving, and instead to assert yourself as the mother you now are. Many of us can't assert ourselves for ourselves (all that damned sugar and spice training), but we bloody well can for our children! Leaving you for a whole day is not in your daughter's best interests and so it is not going to happen.

"The more responces i read the angrier im getting"
Good. You have every right to be angry. Your partner is trying to railroad you to suit his mother. He is prioritising her over you. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Get angry, use it as an energy to press your point home, and tell him to cut the apron strings. She is not the boss of you, or of him.