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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP doesnt want to spend Christmas with me

137 replies

user1471477692 · 14/12/2018 04:34

I’ve been with DP 7yrs. Not married, no DC. He spent first 4 christmases with his parents. Last 2 with me. This year his DM insists he spends Christmas at the family home and he thinks it’s the right thing to do. I suggested, Christmas Day with me, then Boxing Day and 27th at his parents. He and his DM have suggested Christmas Day and Boxing Day at his parents is more appropriate since we are not married and child free. We have lived together 6 yrs and are both 35. I can’t help but feel slightly abandoned. AIBU?

OP posts:

RollsEyes · 14/12/2018 04:36

Why can't you go with him to him Mum's on Christmas Day?

toolazytothinkofausername · 14/12/2018 04:37

Why can't you go with?

Steelesauce · 14/12/2018 04:37

Surely you could just go together?

Middlrm · 14/12/2018 04:41

Of course you would just because you don’t have kids or a marriage certificate doesn’t mean 7 years of relationship is to be sniffed out me and my dear husband were together 11 years before getting married and bar the 1st year we had Christmas together though to this day we rotate one year his parents one year mine and one year just us x x and we will visit the parents for an hour we are not visiting on the day and either see then x mas eve or Boxing Day x x

TruculentandFarty · 14/12/2018 04:48

Honestly, I would "let" him go and I would think very carefully about where your longterm is with him. He wants to spend special days without you and is perfectly ok with that. Mummy comes first, the man is being very clear on that.

Yes, I'd totally feel slighted and abandoned and I'd wonder if I have any interest in being around for next Christmas with someone who felt that way.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 14/12/2018 04:49

I have been with my DP for seven years. This Xmas he's going to his mums and I'm going to mine because that's what we want to do. I don't see the big deal of needing to spend Christmas together if you don't have kids.

TruculentandFarty · 14/12/2018 04:53

The difference there though Nigel is that you both have agreed to do this, a mutual decision. Would you feel that way if you didn't have somewhere to go and your DP went off without you and he decided without you?

Whereartthouname · 14/12/2018 04:53

Wow would think by now kinds or no that you wpuld be invited for Christmas

MsLToe · 14/12/2018 04:54

If you’re not invited to go as well then YNBU and they’re horrible for asking him but not you.

jackio2205 · 14/12/2018 04:56

Family does not always mean married and kids and at xmas you'd like to be with family no? Not sure why he'd want to be away from you xmas day if you're in a serious relationship? Unless is literally no big deal to him? I'd think it's weird his mum hasn't invited you, I'd invite anyone I knew over if I thought they'd be on their own! X

7kyay · 14/12/2018 05:00

The spirit of Xmas! Why are you not invited too?

SPARKS17 · 14/12/2018 05:04

I spent every Christmas apart from my DP for 7 years as both our siblings live overseas and would have meant one set of parents being alone if we spent it together. It was just a season, now everyone comes to us as we have the biggest house, I miss those Christmases without the in-laws!

What’s the situation with your family? Could you go with him?

ElsieCat · 14/12/2018 05:04

This is very weird, after 7 years.

When you say 'doesn't want to spend Christmas with me' do you mean he doesn't want to spend it with your family?

I don't understand why you can't just take turns to spend Christmas Day with your respective families, and go to the other one on Boxing Day. Or if it's not geographically possible to see both sets of parents over Christmas then take turns annually over the whole thing.

In which case this year would be his family's turn. But if neither of you are prepared to not see your own family then it makes sense to go your separate ways for Christmas - at least until you have children.

Alfie190 · 14/12/2018 06:21

Your relationship is going nowhere. Not only do his family not take it seriously but neither does your partner.

GBPworries · 14/12/2018 06:24

ElsieCat have you even read the OP?
Here it is again, now you can give it a go!
I’ve been with DP 7yrs. Not married, no DC. He spent first 4 christmases with his parents. Last 2 with me. This year his DM insists he spends Christmas at the family home and he thinks it’s the right thing to do. I suggested, Christmas Day with me, then Boxing Day and 27th at his parents. He and his DM have suggested Christmas Day and Boxing Day at his parents is more appropriate since we are not married and child free. We have lived together 6 yrs and are both 35. I can’t help but feel slightly abandoned. AIBU?

LoudBatPerson · 14/12/2018 06:26

I am holding back judgement until I have some more information.

Are you invited to his parents but would prefer not to go?

When you say spent the last two with you do you mean just you and him or did he go to your families?

When he goes to his parent where will you be? Alone or with family/friends?

GBPworries · 14/12/2018 06:26

OP, if you haven't been included in the invitation by his parents then I can understand you feeling let down by your partner of 7 years! Unless there's a backstory as to why you're not invited?

WhiteDust · 14/12/2018 06:27

If the invitation is just for him YANBU. Thoughtless of them.

If you're invited I don't see the problem!

LilMy33 · 14/12/2018 06:29

Have you not been invited too? Honestly, I’d use this as an opportunity to seriously think about the relationship and where it’s going if no one has invited you as well.

PurpleFlower1983 · 14/12/2018 06:34

If you’ve been invited but are choosing not to go YABU.

If you haven’t been invited YANBU and I would be questioning where this relationship was going.

TruckLoadOfSubtleGlitter · 14/12/2018 06:35

Eh?

It's been 7 years. You go together. What a weird thread.

APositiveMind · 14/12/2018 06:35

Me too, been with OH 5 years, bought a house in Feb, first Christmas together.. Told me the other week he's going to go out for the day and Christmas dinner with his dad then go to his grand on boxing day.
I told my mother not to worry about me having dinner there as I assumed we would have our first Christmas at home.

Slightly disheartened.

SleepySofa · 14/12/2018 06:36

I would wave him off cheerfully then spend the time he’s gone packing his bags and on a dating app looking for a man who will value his longterm relationship with you over that with his mother, tbh.

DP and I moved in together 11 months after getting together and have never since spent a Christmas apart, even before we had DS. And we’re only getting married next January! Are you DP and his mum living in the last century?

AJPTaylor · 14/12/2018 06:40

Why would you spend Xmas apart?
That is weird. Lots of couples don't have kids. They are still a couple though and a family in their own right. My couple friends without kids often bugger off somewhere hot and sunny for Xmas.

CaptainsYuleLog · 14/12/2018 06:44

This is odd. We have young single friends who each spend Christmas with their own families but that's because it's what they both want. I'm sure it wouldn't happen if one party wasn't happy.

His family should invite you as well, surely?

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