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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP doesnt want to spend Christmas with me

137 replies

user1471477692 · 14/12/2018 04:34

I’ve been with DP 7yrs. Not married, no DC. He spent first 4 christmases with his parents. Last 2 with me. This year his DM insists he spends Christmas at the family home and he thinks it’s the right thing to do. I suggested, Christmas Day with me, then Boxing Day and 27th at his parents. He and his DM have suggested Christmas Day and Boxing Day at his parents is more appropriate since we are not married and child free. We have lived together 6 yrs and are both 35. I can’t help but feel slightly abandoned. AIBU?

OP posts:

Whattodonut · 14/12/2018 09:56

So its either spend it just the two of you, or he spends it with his family and you...? Are on your own? Go to your family?
Why don't you go to his parents with him?

ladycarlotta · 14/12/2018 10:28

It's odd you haven't been invited.
But DP and I have been together nearly 8 years and we don't always spend the day together, despite living together. Sometimes it's been because he's working (in which case I make plans that accommodate his shift in some way, fortunately my family live in the same city as us), and sometimes because I would prefer/need to be with my folks, and he with his. I try not to get too precious about it, we are young and mobile in a way other family members are not, we have loads of special time together anyway, our flat is unsuitable for us to host the day ourselves, and we don't have kids to centre our plans around.

I guess I think of Christmas as being a time to prioritise getting together with family and old friends, rather than the two of us snuggling up, which we have loads of time to do - if we have to be apart, so be it. The only difference is that we are pretty much on the same page about it, and communicate our plans to one another. I imagine your partner has just been thoughtless rather than it being a deliberate snub. You need to discuss your priorities, I guess.

ladycarlotta · 14/12/2018 10:35

in fact, do we KNOW that OP hasn't been invited to the in-laws? (or not in-laws but ykwim).

If I were partners' mum, I'd be a bit disappointed that now he has a partner to spend Christmas with, he doesn't spend it with the family. It shouldn't be an either/or choice. Most people go to one set of parents or another, rather than stay home alone. If you want to spend Christmas with him, OP, the compromise might be that you also spend it with his folks.

Butchyrestingface · 14/12/2018 10:45

Has one or the other of you proposed, @user1471477692?

I assume that most couples would like to spend Christmas together, whether that be with his or her family too.

Given your partner's (and his mother's) views, it seems he may be quite traditional. I would expect after 7 years, that he would have proposed. Has he?

(and yes, there is a reason I ask that, beyond idle curiosity).

Needadoughnut · 14/12/2018 10:51

Do some parents still make.a difference between unmarried and married partners? My family never has, my DS now husband was as much of a family member before they got married than afterwards.

ElsieCat · 14/12/2018 10:58

For those not clear about whether op has been invited ,the title of the thread tells you that she is not.

No it doesn't. It could merely imply that she is not happy with his terms.

mindutopia · 14/12/2018 10:59

Sounds like an odd arrangement and you need to figure out a better plan for rotating through family each year. Even when my dh and I weren’t married yet and didn’t have kids, we still spent every Christmas together, either alone (several years we lived abroad a long way from family), hosting at our house or with one of our families but together.

thecatsthecats · 14/12/2018 11:26

Hmm. Not looking forward to this next year.

Husband and I have just married and never had a Christmas together before hand through mutual, but imperfect choice.

I like to spend the whole week with my family (remote and beautiful location), we see plenty of his family through the year as they live nearby. We always had a second Christmas just the two of us. This year that's our Christmas day.

I'm really hoping I don't have an AIBU of the future, because I think it is fair we go to my parents as a couple first - they'd be alone otherwise two Christmases in a row, plus they live further away anyway.

Original poster

user1471477692 · 14/12/2018 13:10

My parents spend Christmas visiting various relatives. Both are retired ex shift workers so we never got much time together as a family over Christmas and the time we did have was usually spent in the car visiting relatives on Christmas.

I usually see them Christmas Eve as their time is still limited visiting other relatives who they have now become carers for. This is not something I have a problem with, it’s just something I’m not involved with.

DP and I have no plans for children or marriage. While I am happy with this I often feel enfantalised in family situations as we are unmarried and often my opinion is not taken in to account as I’m not family/not blood etc.

I think what I find difficult is that his family are very ‘traditional’ and mine could be classed as ‘unconventional’, so we have very different ideas of how to approach things, which can lead to situations where I feel left out of the loop of that makes sense.

I generally get along with his parents although I sometimes feel I represent many things they either disagree with or don’t get. Eg marriage. While they haven’t pressured us to get married, they have said they can’t understand why we don’t do it or don’t want to do it.

I haven’t been invited nor disinvited to his parents house.

Previous years he spent Christmas at his parents and I spent it alone. The last two we spent it together at our home by ourselves and then he spent Boxing Day and 27th at his parents. At no point have we both spent it with my parents as they have other plans.

OP posts:

totallycluelessoverhere · 14/12/2018 13:30

Why not just suggest you both spend Christmas with his parents?
They have different views in some things but surely that’s not a big issue? People are allowed to have different views and still get along okay.

Roaring · 14/12/2018 13:37

Then yabu. You can spend Christmas with him at his parents. Problem solved.
You've had it your way now it's his turn.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/12/2018 13:39

'Not invited nor disinvited'
What does that mean? I very much doubt I have ever received an official invite to in-laws, nor he to mine. You just go together.

PinaColada1 · 14/12/2018 13:44

I too think you need to spend Christmas then with his family. Make it every other year.

MamaDane · 14/12/2018 13:47

My DP and I switch every year, even years at my family's and odd years at my MILs. Strange to think that you would have Christmas apart from each other.

MulticolourMophead · 14/12/2018 13:56

I always find it bizarre when OP can’t get back to answer questions for FOUR PAGES a it’s like they WANT to rile people up

I always find it bizarre that people are clearly unable to view the time on a post. It was around 4:30 am when OP posted. This post above was at around 9:30 am, and we have no idea what OP might have been doing in RL. Could be shift work, sleeping, at a desk and unable to use phone, there are loads of reasons.

But no, we get dozens of posts from people assuming the OP can just post when they demand.

This year his DM insists he spends Christmas at the family home

OP, this is a bit I find wrong. Your DP lives with you; his family home is the home he shares with you. That he is going along with his DM's notion that the family home is his parents house suggests to me that your relationship is not going to last, he doesn't see living with you as permanent.

Loyaultemelie · 14/12/2018 14:33

I think if he's set on going then you need to go too. His dm needs to see you as a family unit (perhaps she does and half expects you) but more importantly so does your dp

Lyricallie · 14/12/2018 15:01

Apparently I’m a bit odd with our arrangements. I’ve been with my fiancé 7 years lived together year and half and we’ve spent one Christmas together as he had to work on Boxing Day in the city my family live. His family are 2.5 hours away from mine (and we live about 6 hours drive from each just in different directions). So he comes to mine until Christmas Eve then drives 2.5 hours to his own family then I’ll get the train to his on the 27th. We do “our Christmas” this weekend which I’m so looking forward to!

No kids and we’re not married yet (cross that bridge later) and I’m the unreasonable one (I know I know) but I don’t really want to spend Christmas with his as it’s so boring whereas mine is a big party! Plus I like going to mass in my own church (although this is a bit of an excuse).

However... I think the difference is we’re choosing that and if I wanted to go to fiancé’s I’d be very welcome and they’d love to have me. Also as much as I’d love fiancé to be with me I appreciate he wants to spend time with his family too.

cowfacemonkey · 14/12/2018 15:16

So you could go if you wanted to? In which case just go and have a nice time

Crunchymum · 14/12/2018 15:21

Hold up.

You've spent precious Christmas' alone, whilst he went to his parents? With your agreement?

How does this even come about?

Did you refuse to go one year and this set a precedent? Or did they not invite you one year?

Crunchymum · 14/12/2018 15:21

precious = previous

ElsieCat · 14/12/2018 15:42

Thanks for the update OP.

Considering you are not expected to spend Christmas Day with your own parents and you don't seem especially hung up on keeping things very traditional, I don't really understand why you want your DP to be alone with you on Christmas Day, and then see his parents afterwards. They probably don't understand either - why do they have to play second fiddle and get Boxing Day? It's not like they are standing back to make room for your parents, so why not just go there?

It sounds as though you are waiting for a formal invitation whereas perhaps they feel it's just a given that you'll go with him if you are free to?

ElsieCat · 14/12/2018 15:43

It does all sound a bit strange and awkward.

OliviaStabler · 14/12/2018 15:46

DP and I have no plans for children or marriage.
I think what I find difficult is that his family are very ‘traditional’

There you have it. According to their view (and I am not saying they are right) is that you are not and never will be family as there are no plans to make your relationship formal.

Needadoughnut · 14/12/2018 15:50

I struggle to understand what the problem is. Clearly OP could spend Christmas with her "in laws" she's just deciding not to and making a big deal if her OWN decision

ElsieCat · 14/12/2018 16:15

Previous years he spent Christmas at his parents and I spent it alone. The last two we spent it together at our home by ourselves and then he spent Boxing Day and 27th at his parents.

So you didn't go with him to his parents on Boxing Day then? Why not? Did he even ask you if you'd like to go?

And when you say 'I haven't been invited nor disninvited' do you mean but them, or by him? Has he not even had a conversation with you about going with him on Christmas Day?

This is all a bit like pulling teeth,. Do you actually talk to one other frankly about anything?

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