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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP doesnt want to spend Christmas with me

137 replies

user1471477692 · 14/12/2018 04:34

I’ve been with DP 7yrs. Not married, no DC. He spent first 4 christmases with his parents. Last 2 with me. This year his DM insists he spends Christmas at the family home and he thinks it’s the right thing to do. I suggested, Christmas Day with me, then Boxing Day and 27th at his parents. He and his DM have suggested Christmas Day and Boxing Day at his parents is more appropriate since we are not married and child free. We have lived together 6 yrs and are both 35. I can’t help but feel slightly abandoned. AIBU?

OP posts:
Polarbearflavour · 14/12/2018 08:35

I own a house with DP. We are having a day at my parents, then he’s going to one of his parents Christmas Eve and another Christmas Day. (Divorced Parents) I’m seeing him again Boxing Day at his dad’s and staying there.

When we have children that will change.

I don’t think there’s anything weird with that as we are both happy.

ElsieCat · 14/12/2018 08:41

I don't think it is odd in the SLIGHTEST that I might wonder where her family figure in all this.The vast majority of people spend Christmas with either their family or their partner's, or both.

When I said "But if neither of you are prepared to not see your own family then it makes sense to go your separate ways for Christmas" I was merely trying to imagine all scenarios and hypothetic situations that could have led to 'My DP doesn't want to spend Christmas with me.'

The OP was rather ambiguous and it seems pretty far-fetched that he would leave her on both Christmas Day and Boxing Day knowing she has no-one to spend time with. If that's the case then she should have been more clear on it.

Chloe84 · 14/12/2018 08:41

They’re not married. That’s the whole reason. Didn’t you read the op?

@PurpleDaisies

I meant partner. But there's little differences between a wife and a long term partner of 7 years. Are you saying OP doesn't warrant an invite?

Bungleinthejungle · 14/12/2018 08:42

That's not weird at all Polarbear. Because it sounds like you've talked it through with each other and come up with a solution both of you are happy with. Like adults in a healthy relationship.

What the OP implies is that the only discussion about arrangements has been between the OP's partner and his mother, with a decision being passed down to OP without her input. However, it's difficult to be sure because many questions have not yet been answered by OP.

PurpleDaisies · 14/12/2018 08:43

I meant partner. But there's little differences between a wife and a long term partner of 7 years. Are you saying OP doesn't warrant an invite?

No, but it matters to the partner’s parents. It’s right there in the op...

PurpleDaisies · 14/12/2018 08:44

Just in case you can’t find the very first post on the thread...
He and his DM have suggested Christmas Day and Boxing Day at his parents is more appropriate since we are not married and child free

Chloe84 · 14/12/2018 08:45

@Elsiecat

It's AIBU, so people would prefer that you just told OP she is being unreasonabl and didn't ask any questions at all Hmm

ElsieCat · 14/12/2018 08:46

Obviously Chloe! Grin

Chloe84 · 14/12/2018 08:54

@PurpleDaisies

So people want OP to clarify she definitely isn't invited. What's wrong with that?!

Just in case you can’t find the very first post on the thread...
He and his DM have suggested Christmas Day and Boxing Day at his parents is more appropriate since we are not married and child free

Yes, I know, hence my post to OP saying the lack of an invite would upset me hugely.

PurpleDaisies · 14/12/2018 08:55

So people want OP to clarify she definitely isn't invited. What's wrong with that?!

Where did I say that?

ElsieCat · 14/12/2018 08:55

This is a first time poster and the OP hasn't been back. I am smelling a rat. I now think the ambiguity and lack of important detail in the OP was deliberate.

SoyDora · 14/12/2018 09:07

I don’t think there’s anything weird with that as we are both happy

Then there’s the fundamental difference! The OP isn’t happy, hence the thread.

ReanimatedSGB · 14/12/2018 09:08

Meh. Not everyone considers the couple-relationship the most important one, and there's nothing wrong with that (you can always get another partner, after all.)

ElsieCat · 14/12/2018 09:15

This is getting ridiculous now. Let's break it down:

He spent first 4 christmases with his parents. Last 2 with me.

Whether this was with her family or not is important, but not clarified.

This year his DM insists he spends Christmas at the family home and he thinks it’s the right thing to do.

I don't think it's unreasonable to want to see your own family on Christmas Day when you've missed the last two. What is not clear is whether the OP has been invited as well. Perhaps she was, and refused in order to be with her own family and sees his decision to go without her as him not wanting to be with her at Christmas.

Until she clarifies, we can't know who is being U here.

I suggested, Christmas Day with me, then Boxing Day and 27th at his parents.

Christmas Day just the two of them? Or with the OP and her family? And did she intend to go with him to his parents on Boxing Day and the 27th, or not? Again it's not really clear about exactly what is on offer on either side. Confused Hmm

He and his DM have suggested Christmas Day and Boxing Day at his parents is more appropriate since we are not married and child free.

It sounds as though he and his parents are just putting their foot down about having their 'turn' on Christmas Day. In the name of fairness I can't argue with that. But if the OP is not invited then that is shit.

SushiMonster · 14/12/2018 09:21

I think it's sad that you are supposed to be a couple yet live as if you're single when Christmas comes. Where ever you go for the day, you are both supposed to be together. That is what being a couple means.

Conversely, I';d rather be apart from my DP on xmas so that I can hang out with my family and spend a few days with my nieces and nephews who I don't get to see so much during the year.

DP can go and do xmas at his family, and I can do mine. I hated the whole xmas day here, boxing day there thing. We tired it for a few years and I just felt like I was missing out on both sides.

gudrunandtheseeress · 14/12/2018 09:21

The relationship is not what the OP thinks it is.
Her new year's resolution would be to find a partner IIWM.
You know, one who is actually interested in her.

gudrunandtheseeress · 14/12/2018 09:21

*another partner

SushiMonster · 14/12/2018 09:22

Also this is a super shit thread.

OP not invited and has no family of her own = she is not U

OP has her own family she insists on spending xmas with, and has received an invite to the MiLs = shes being super U

worridmum · 14/12/2018 09:25

I bet the OP wants to go to her family and he wants to go to his and the OP is say he does not want to spend xmas with me since i am insisting to going to my family.

Merryoldgoat · 14/12/2018 09:31

I always find it bizarre when OP can’t get back to answer questions for FOUR PAGES a it’s like they WANT to rile people up Hmm

seventhgonickname · 14/12/2018 09:31

He and his mother are very clearly telling you that you are not family.

seventhgonickname · 14/12/2018 09:33

For those not clear about whether op has been invited ,the title of the thread tells you that she is not.

MrsStrowman · 14/12/2018 09:37

If you've been together long enough to live together you should be spending Christmas together. DH and I did separate family Christmas the first year we were together, we'd only gone from being friends to more a couple of months before Christmas, and still saw each other boxing Day. Since then we alternated Christmas and boxing Day at his parents' or mine they, until we moved into a big enough house where we host both sides of the family all together.
After seven years I'd expect you to be invited to his family Christmas, if you refuse to go that's another matter as I don't think you can expect him to never see his family at Christmas.

HisBetterHalf · 14/12/2018 09:40

Do you havea good relationship with DPs family?

DaffodilPower · 14/12/2018 09:48

I am spending this Christmas with my family, DP with his. We live together but my family are 150 miles away.

If I wasn't going to see mine though 100% his family would invite me across to them! Why have you not been asked to go? After 7 years I think that's pretty mean of them.

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