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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Teacher/child related how to broach this?

139 replies

ControversyisSubjective · 13/12/2018 18:44

I want to start by saying, I am currently a nurse but changing my career to teaching. Presently in the middle of my access course.
I know teachers are under a lot of stress and pressure. I completely understand mistakes are made, I don't want to go in all guns blazing, because I also accept children fabricate the truth. Although there is also some truthfulness mostly in what young children say.

Today my 9 year came home from school completely deflated and looked depressed. I proceeded to ask what was bothering him and this is what he said.

Today in P.E he was playing hockey and stopped the ball from going in the net. His teacher told him unfortunately it had crossed the line so it was a goal. He said he stopped it just on the line. She then stated in a joking matter, "Well I think you are in need of glasses!" His fellow classmate proceeded to prod jokes and make glasses with their hands at his expense. He got very upset and told them to stop. Two of them did but the others didn't so he lost it a through his hockey stick on the floor. The teacher then told him to go sit out and think about his actions.

He cried in the toilet and was very down when I picked him up.

He told me he doesn't think he fits in and doesn't want to go back to school.

Now I know his reaction was not acceptable and I have told him, he needs to refrain from acting out in the heat of the moment because that doesn't reflect well on him. He accepts this and we will work on this.

But the rest has got me stumped. He is a sensitive kid, but is very competitive. However, he is very good at sport and is in all the school athletics teams.

The ball may very well have gone over the line. I don't know, I wasn't there. But I think it's inappropriate to be mocked over it.

How would I broach this. I know we are human and people like to joke. But I don't think it should be done like this.

Opinions?

OP posts:
TheDinnerWitch · 13/12/2018 18:47

In hindsight it probably wasn't the best thing for the teacher to say, but I'm guessing your DS was arguing back with the teacher? And then for him to react by throwing his hockey stick.... I think you need to have a word with your son regarding appropriate responses, not the teacher!

Bloodyfucksake · 13/12/2018 18:48

The situation today is the straw that broke the camel's back. If that happened to a more secure child (and it does happen every day), they would have forgotten it pretty quickly.
Unfortunately the key is when your DS told you he doesn't think he fits in. This is the real problem. Maybe you need to talk to his teacher - let them know he's feeling insecure and ask if they can support him.

Alarice · 13/12/2018 18:48

Something and nothing tbh.

Intohellbutstayingstrong · 13/12/2018 18:51

Teacher made a throw away comment in a hockey game. Young kids took the piss for a short while. He copped a strop. Sounds like he needs to build up a bit of resilience.

museumum · 13/12/2018 18:55

He should not argue with a teacher or referee. The teacher decided to use humour rather than bollocking him for that, clearly it touched a nerve for your ds but I would advise working with him on his emotions and resilience (the combination of being competitive and sensitive is going to be tough) rather than complaining about the teacher.

ControversyisSubjective · 13/12/2018 18:57

And then for him to react by throwing his hockey stick..
Both me and my son accept that this isn't a reasonable or normal way to behave. This was after considerable amount of prodding. However still no excuse. But I did address that as said above and will be discussing this with his teacher also. I have said that in my OP if you read?

Unfortunately the key is when your DS told you he doesn't think he fits in.
Yes this does concern me and it's the first time I've seen him so upset. So I would like to make this okay for him. I don't like to see him hurting. This was a separate teacher to his normal core teacher. His school report was great and she has no concerns about his behave. So this is out of the norm for him.

OP posts:
WhyDontYouComeOnOver · 13/12/2018 18:58

He needs to work on his resilience.

ControversyisSubjective · 13/12/2018 19:01

Which is again why I said we are all human and make stupid statements at the best of times. I haven't actually complained about the teacher. I have asked how to broach this with her.
However, allow children to poke fun, isn't exactly professional is it?
I don't want to just ignore his feelings are hurt. That wouldn't be okay as a mother. But I am prepared to put his faults in the incident out there in discussion..

Which is why I'm asking how to broach this?

OP posts:
ControversyisSubjective · 13/12/2018 19:03

He needs to work on his resilience
Yes he does! He is in the Prince Edwards award scheme to help with that confidence in school. (I work together with him on this. I again stated this in my OP)
But it makes it difficult if fellows are prodding fun doesn't it?

OP posts:
ElizabethMainwaring · 13/12/2018 19:04

No wonder there is a teacher shortage.

Holidayshopping · 13/12/2018 19:04

I wouldn’t bother to broach it with her. It was a throwaway comment-possibly not the best, but his response was to the other kids and that was what is unacceptable.

Focus on building his resilience, self confidence etc

HexagonalBattenburg · 13/12/2018 19:05

They're all knackered and emotionally more off-kilter than they normally would be at my kids' school this week so I wouldn't read too much into his reaction other than that, that it wasn't appropriate and it was dealt with like that.

It's not the MN "all or nothing" thing though of either assuming your child is lying, or going into school all guns blazing shouting that your child is innocent and thoroughly wronged. I have never ever had any problems when I've approached my children's teachers (other than the one we have regular problems with and has been caught out lying to the SENCO on multiple occasions) with a "they've said this happened in school - can you find out what's actually gone on in case we've got the wrong end of the stick here" type request.

We have issues with mocking comments from peers in PE which I DO challenge and take up with the school - but they're regular, repeated and aimed at a child with coordination difficulties so I'm not prepared to tolerate them and see them as getting near the line into what could become bullying further down the line so I bring them to the school's attention. One-off comments I'd let wash by personally - especially at this point in the term when everyone's knackered and ratty as hell.

icelollycraving · 13/12/2018 19:06

I don’t think there is anything to broach regarding the game.
In terms of him fitting in, maybe pastoral care at school. 9 year old or year 9?

ElizabethMainwaring · 13/12/2018 19:07

Don't broach it. She was making light of something that happened during PE. It really doesn't matter. This is what you should tell your son.

ControversyisSubjective · 13/12/2018 19:07

He should not argue with a teacher or referee.
Arguing or giving a difference in opinion?
In schools they are now taught how to do this politically. They have their own political parties in class. For meals, subjects, sports ECT. He said he didn't do this in an argumentative manor. Just stated his opinion. He may be fabricating. He may not.

OP posts:
greendale17 · 13/12/2018 19:08

He threw a massive strop by throwing his stick on the ground. I imagine the other kids would have teased him more about that than the glasses

namechangedtoday15 · 13/12/2018 19:09

From a mother of a 9yr old - I'd guess that he knew he was in the wrong, he'd over-reacted due to competitiveness and did the whole "I don't fit in" routine to deflect any disappointment / upset you felt at him having to be told off by the teacher.

Or maybe I'm cynical and my daughter is just a manipulative monkey Smile.

I wouldn't be raising it with the teacher or trying to make it better for him. Just needs a bit of straight talking - teacher judged ball to have gone over the line. You argued back (wrong, maybe discuss sportsmanship and respect for authority) so teacher made a joke. Children then joined in (wrong - it was nothing to do with them) but you had a strop (wrong) so you had to sit out (fair enough). End of discussion I think.

SilverApples · 13/12/2018 19:10

Tell the teacher that you are concerned about his over reaction to a minor joke, about his subsequent comments on not fitting in. Ask if there’s someone in school responsible for monitoring and promoting wellbeing, mental health and resilience that he can talk to about managing his emotions.It’s a growing issue in primary.
If he’s competitive, he’ll need to learn not to argue with the ref/judge or he’ll spend time sitting out holding a red card.

ElizabethMainwaring · 13/12/2018 19:11

Political parties?

Berniethefastestmilkwoman · 13/12/2018 19:11

He just needs to behave a bit better. Tomorrow is another day.

ilovesooty · 13/12/2018 19:11

I think you might as well wait to "broach" the teacher until something rather more substantial occurs.

ControversyisSubjective · 13/12/2018 19:12

@HexagonalBattenburg
Thank you for understanding. I haven't made a huge deal. I have asked for sensible opinions. I have actually dealt with DS appropriately and I do work on his sensitively as most PP have pointed out but not read that's what I'm actually doing.

I don't however want this to turn into bullying if this is how it is making him feel.

He is 9 years old. Not in year 9.

OP posts:
SilverApples · 13/12/2018 19:12

Are you planning on teaching primary?

MissSusanScreams · 13/12/2018 19:12

I’d let school know what he said and see if they can keep an eye on him. He might just bounce back from it all on his own, which would be the best way. Keep and eye and if he is still struggling with the comments then get him to talk through his worries.

Resilience is hard to build and it is really difficult as an adult not to try to smooth everything out of the way for them. A little struggle is fine.

Fairyliz · 13/12/2018 19:13

Teach him resilience, 'its not that important', tomorrow is another day.

If you make it a big deal then it will be a big deal to him. Jolly him along with 'oh what a silly thing to say, never mind what shall we have for tea?'

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