Teacher/child related how to broach this?

[ControversyisSubjective]

I want to start by saying, I am currently a nurse but changing my career to teaching. Presently in the middle of my access course.
I know teachers are under a lot of stress and pressure. I completely understand mistakes are made, I don't want to go in all guns blazing, because I also accept children fabricate the truth. Although there is also some truthfulness mostly in what young children say.

Today my 9 year came home from school completely deflated and looked depressed. I proceeded to ask what was bothering him and this is what he said.

Today in P.E he was playing hockey and stopped the ball from going in the net. His teacher told him unfortunately it had crossed the line so it was a goal. He said he stopped it just on the line. She then stated in a joking matter, "Well I think you are in need of glasses!" His fellow classmate proceeded to prod jokes and make glasses with their hands at his expense. He got very upset and told them to stop. Two of them did but the others didn't so he lost it a through his hockey stick on the floor. The teacher then told him to go sit out and think about his actions.

He cried in the toilet and was very down when I picked him up.

He told me he doesn't think he fits in and doesn't want to go back to school.

Now I know his reaction was not acceptable and I have told him, he needs to refrain from acting out in the heat of the moment because that doesn't reflect well on him. He accepts this and we will work on this.

But the rest has got me stumped. He is a sensitive kid, but is very competitive. However, he is very good at sport and is in all the school athletics teams.

The ball may very well have gone over the line. I don't know, I wasn't there. But I think it's inappropriate to be mocked over it.

How would I broach this. I know we are human and people like to joke. But I don't think it should be done like this.

Opinions?

When a child feels that he "doesn't fit in", the spectre of needing to wear glasses can add fuel to that fire of feeling alienated. Children often feel stigmatised by having to wear glasses, and not surprisingly, since some thoughtless children use it as a putdown. My feeling is that a little bit of your DS heard "something else about you that will make you feel different from others" and his dismay triggered a reaction. Other kids making shapes of glasses at him probably felt very personal. The teacher with a bit of sensitivity would've told them not to make fun of kids who need to wear glasses. But my point is, he was already feeling the pressure of not fitting in. He probably fits in much more than he realises, nevertheless his doubts are very real in his mind BECAUSE HE'S 9! It's so easy for people posting on here to dismiss it all with "Oh he's not resilient enough" and "he needs to work on his reactions to feedback". The reasoning is, well people shouldn't have to pussyfoot around oversensitive children, but actually many children become sensitized to thoughtless comments like "you must need glasses" from an adult teacher in front of a class of children all hyped up on competitive sport. That teacher needs to question the appropriateness of the comment in the first place, under the circumstances. Why risk making a child feel diminished by referring to a potential handicap that would mark him as 'different'? What, as a way for the teacher to be 'right' about judging the line? It's such a cop-out to see most of the posters here saying it's your son's problem, but that's the outcome of the attitudes to children and institutions like schools in this country. We've all been there and internalised the injustices so deeply that we just don't see they operate. As ever, it's the child at fault, not the 'responsible' adults who ought to know better.

Read Alice Miller. We're so blind we don't even see stuff like this for what it is. Personally, I think you have a justifiable grievance, OP. Your DS certainly does. Try explaining to him that sadly, in schools, teachers will often argue that black is white and overlook kids who make jokes at even a whiff of perceived differences in other kids. And MNers will tell you you need to get over yourselves.

Don't broach this with the teacher she did nothing wrong. Humour is better than a stern bollocking. I'd be grateful that this was an official class and and adult was there because if this happened during playtime then a huge argument would have happened.

This kind of banter and super competitiveness is very normal for his age group. Trust me- a comment about needing glasses is much tamer than what would have been said if this was a playground match with no adults watching. Some kids treat sport matches as if they are Olympic matches and need to be observed by adults.

Your son has reacted it typical 9 year old fashion and it will be a different kid overreacting next week. Hopefully this incident will help him build more resilience,

Anyway, I imagine that's an unpopular view but I want my child to have the best education and not to have to muddle along with someone who may have no more idea than I do. I would certainly complain if I received a letter from a teacher, which was full of errors because my child deserves the best.

Corrected something in that sentence for you, if you can find it. See how easy it is to make a mistake on an Internet forum, when typing in a small box and small keypad? It’s not fair to derail the OP’s thread.

I always recommend the book “Stick up for Yourself” for parents of children who need to work on their resilience. You can get it on Amazon.

The over the line/not over the line thing doesn't matter, though as his teacher and the ref I think he should have accepted her call without protesting. You should mention the incident to the teacher in terms of his worries about not fitting in.

Arguing with the ref is not acceptable in sport. In real life the people who argue are spectators and overpaid footballers who should know better. Being able to debate is a respectable skill but there's a time and place.

He should not argue with a teacher or referee

Arguing or giving a difference in opinion?

Fuck me. You don’t get to give ‘a different opinion’ to the ref/umpire. Their word is final. Unless you are a pro tennis player 3 your hawk eye challenges.

@RolyRocks Thank you. I can indeed spell and use the correct grammar. However, I don't take life so seriously on an internet forum.
@aconcertpianist
A dyslexic teacher (who can fully perform professionally) & A surgeon with a tremor is absolutely not the same thing. If you think that, you are not capable of educating your children.

I won't get into any more arguements with people ready to jump on people. It's embarrassing. I'll take the sound advice, talk to my DS and keep and eye. Thanks goodnight.

I'm a TA and don't use "banter" when I'm telling a pupil they are wrong - it can easily inflame a situation. It's better just to be clear and firm. Some teachers think it's cool or funny to use banter, sometimes it might work but in my opinion it's not worth it when it backfires.
Also in this instance the teacher seems to have practically invited the other kids to piss take - not a smart move.

aconcertpianist

You are a dick.

BTW I correct other people's language for a living and still make huge typos and grammar mistakes on here. Ho hum.

@reenchantmentofeverydaylife

Thank you so much for that well thought out comment. I really do appreciate that. You are the sensible kind of person who actually sees things from a different perspective. It's all well and good telling a child not to be sensitive. But we aren't teaching other children to just back off a little. Anyway I'm done arguing with people who clearly come here for the entertainment of bating someone.

RolyRocks

I wouldn’t put a comma after the word “errors” because it makes it sound as if the letter was full of errors because the child deserves the best.

@missyB1
A Teaching assistants sensible opinion. Thank you, I wouldn't either.

@missyB1 ummm I've met a lot of TAs who think they could do my job better than me 🙄

Depends what you mean by banter.

I often use humour to defuse a difficult situation with a child (or their parent). Some might call it banter, but I find there’s a place for it sometimes.

@wellhellojill are you a teacher? If so what a degrading comment. Maybe they can and maybe they will one day.
Teaching assistants are like health care assistants. Absolutely fantastic and the backbone behind us. They don't get enough press.
They've often worked the job years and could most likely do our jobs well given the opportunity.

I wouldn’t put a comma after the word “errors” because it makes it sound as if the letter was full of errors because the child deserves the best.

Quite the opposite - sorry! It should have a comma to separate it off. But ', which' should be 'that'.

I agree family. It's time and place.
Sometimes you can't win. Use a bit of light humour for a minor issue and you're suddenly the worst person on earth, but speak to them firmly about it and follow behaviour policy to the letter makes you draconian and not appropriately.
I think this situation is a non issue really.

I think I may be rather better at teaching them than you and that's not saying much!

Do you think they would take you on at Eton? I rather think not and that leads me to wonder why, if you would not be good enough for them, why you would be expected to be taken on at Gasworks Academy and teach my children.

No, your dreams do not trump my child's education but that is something that you are not willing to accept. I can't argue anymore with you as there is none so blind as those that will not see but it has been an eye-opener in learning about the standard of teaching that may be foisted on my child!

I also think, to get back on thread, that your DS behaved badly-giving an opinion to a referee shows maybe a little too much confidence and is unsporting. It will make him unpopular and, if you do complain, a laughing stock with his peers.

"Hi teacher, DS was really upset about PE yesterday, have you got a minute to talk about it?"

It might be him embellishing but it sounds more likely the teacher didn't know DS was sensitive/forgot and made a badly thought out comment. A lot of children I could make that sort of comment to, we'd smile and get on with the lesson. But I wouldn't let it go on with class mates joining in and carrying it on like that, because then it stops being a jokey comment and starts being mean.

DS had to go and calm down having thrown the hockey stick (because hockey sticks are not something you want a child having while mid-strop) but you've already explained to him that it was the wrong way to handle it. It shouldn't have been allowed to get to that stage in the first place.

@aconcertpianist
You compared a surgeon to a teacher. It's a non comparison.
The distinctions in my work say different. But if you are creating evidence on an internet forum, then it's undoubtedly not me with the issue.
Like you say no point in arguing. People don't take lightly to demeaning comments. Pointing out ones weaknesses isn't at all very nice.
Merry Christmas

@Menolly
Thank you

I am an adult, a parent and a pretty resilient person who has absolutely no trouble sticking up for myself in general, but I was recently reduced to tears because someone unexpected made a joke at my expense which really poked me right in the insecurities. It was almost exactly the same as this situation in fact in as much as I was involved in a game with others and was floored by the joke which made me feel as though everyone was laughing at me and really ruined the game, and indeed the rest of the evening, for me.

I was surprised at the strength of my feeling in fact, and although by the next morning I was able to see it for what it was, which was a fairly insignificant joke with no malice intended, I was definitely in a better position to 'get over it' than a 9 year old who has all the pressures of fitting in to a peer group, being 'good' at their chosen sport, having to defer to their teacher pretty much no matter what etc.

It's not helpful to blame a child for feeling upset and failing to handle their emotions properly on a single occasion, and it's understandable that he has built this one incident up into a big deal in the immediate aftermath. I wouldn't necessarily approach the teacher about this situation if he bounces back and seems less bothered once he's had a chance to sleep on it, or even a weekend away from it, but if he still seems downhearted and continues to say that he doesn't fit in then I think a word about how to help him with that would be a good idea.

wellhello teachers need TAs, you would do well to remember that when you are busy sneering at them.

OP you are right TAs are like HCAs. I was a qualified nurse for 26 years and couldn’t have done my job without the HCAs.

OP: that makes absolutely no sense at all but if you truly are getting distinctions in a teaching qualification, it really does prove that the powers that be realise that there is more than one way of dismantling the 1944 Education Act.

Keep the working classes in their place by giving them teachers that don't have a basic grasp of the language and a couple of generations later, they will only be able to communicate in pictures!

Luckily, my blood is stopped running cold by realising that almost evert teacher and TA that posts on here seem highly literate. You, thank goodness, seem to be in the minority, otherwise I might jolly well think about re-training as a teacher myself.

Merry Christmas to you too and I hope you find a dictionary in your stocking!