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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to still be annoyed at MIL

175 replies

PitteryPotteryRockingHorse · 13/12/2018 07:18

I’m a regular user on here but have nc for this as could be quite outing.

I’m on maternity leave and have been undertaking my kit days over the last couple of months. Each day I’ve gone in my sister has been watching my dd for me but wasn’t able to on one of the days so I asked my mil who seemed happy to help.

When I saw her about a week before the kit day she mentioned to me that fil had booked a days annual leave so he could spend the day with them. I thought that was nice.

Night before kit day, I messaged mil to check everything was still ok. She replied, yep no problem.

Me and my DH work together so we went together to drop dd to his parents. We got stuck in traffic so ended up being a bit late so when we got to the house he took DD to fil and sorted out car seat etc. I went to mil to go through food and milk. It was all a bit rushed but before I’d even got in the house, and before mil had even said hello she’d asked how we’d got on at slimming world, as we’d joined the week before (the reason I’m mentioning this is to show she had time to ask, it wasn’t that rushed)

As me and DH drove off to work, he asked me if I knew his sister was watching dd for a bit that day. I didn’t have a clue. Apparently his parents had to go to the hospital for an appointment and didn’t want to take her. (I’ve later found out it was a physio appointment for one of them)

I was absolutely livid about not being told/asked about this and told my DH so but there was nothing we could do as we were both already late for work.

DH managed to leave work a little early and spoke to his parents in a very soft way to say can you let us know next time. His dad replied to say he did. Yeah when it was far too late to do anything about it.

This is now weeks ago and I just can’t shake how annoyed I am. So please tell me aibu or would you be upset too?

There is a back story which would explain further why I’m annoyed but given my in laws don’t know, I would like your opinion based on what they do know.

OP posts:

paintinmyhairAgain · 14/12/2018 09:51

great well, several posters have already showed how nasty and bitchy they are on here.i feel sorry for the dc who have to put up with this shit. it's not funny or clever it makes them look like total dicks imo.

mammmamia · 14/12/2018 09:54

great totally agree with you

Thankfully on this thread there seem to be more sensible posters who agree this is a terrible way to behave.

Sweepington · 14/12/2018 10:03

As we all know MILs have no idea how to care for children, despite raising someone you find a decent enough human being to have a baby with.
The 3 Dos are disgraceful.

Lizzie48 · 14/12/2018 10:37

I wouldn't like this. You have to be able to trust the family members you leave your DC with. It's been difficult to trust my DM with looking after my DDs. She used to allow them to have contact with my brother without telling me in advance, and I had to really spell it out to her in the end. (Huge backstory there, which I've spoken about on previous threads, but I put my foot down when I saw that he was aggressive towards them and they were scared of him.)

So YANBU to be annoyed. But you need to spell it out to them like you have on here so that your PIL know that you really don't want your SIL minding your DD. It's no good just spending your time seething about it.

TheGirlWithAllTheFeathers · 14/12/2018 10:41

Plainly there's an issue with the SIL that is not being spoken about. The thing is the event is in the past and to be still getting worked up about it is not good for you or your baby. Put this one behind you and check next time that they will in fact be doing the sitting. At this point in time, that really is all you can do.

Yidette86 · 14/12/2018 11:42

Unfortunately the 3 do's seem to be used by controlling narcissists...

Fairylightsandwine · 14/12/2018 11:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Feb2018mumma · 14/12/2018 12:06

People saying it's okay, it's surely never okay? If it was a emergency maybe but why not tell you in advance they had an appointment? A parent should surely always be asked before their baby is left with someone? Even if my sister was watching baby and giving her my mum for a hour, I trust them both but I'd expect to be informed? It doesn't matter that it's family becuase its the parents choice? I'm so confused people saying she is being unreasonable? If you are busy then don't babysit? It's not up to them to say yes then arrange a babysitter when they are the babysitter?!

PurpleCrazyHorse · 14/12/2018 12:10

If you're going to continue having KIT days then you need to make other childcare arrangements. I wouldn't want my child looked after by someone who swung her around by her clothing or used racially offensive language, but I would categorically say that I'd seen that happen and it would be very clear why I didn't want them looked after by that person.

If my PIL continued to leave them with that person, I would make other arrangements.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 14/12/2018 12:15

In general however, I wouldn't be bothered if my SIL and BIL looked after my children while PIL had an appointment. I'd be really happy they had sourced more child care so it didn't impact on DH and I. However my SIL and BIL wouldn't do anything dangerous with our children. They might eat McDonalds and chocolate, but the worst they'd come home with is a sugar come down.

I would expect them to tell me if it was someone outside the family, and I'm totally sure they would. The only time DD was left with someone else was at an NHS appointment and I worked in the department and knew the staff who held DD while MIL had her appointment. So slightly different. MIL told me at pickup but obviously she knew I knew the people there quite well and it was 20mins max.

Mixedupmummy · 14/12/2018 14:11

@PitteryPotteryRockingHorse

I'm going to go completely against the grain here and say on reading your op only yanbu. I'd be annoyed too. you agreed for your mil to watch your dd not leave her with your sil or anyone else. the fact they didn't ask you in advance was underhand as they must have known you wouldn't be happy.
your updates just shows you (rightly imo) have an issue with sil. this doesn't detract from the fact that it's not up to your in-laws to arrange childcare for you behind your back. either they can do it or they can't.
I'm a bit surprised by all the posts saying yabu . surely if you arrange childcare it's not unreasonable to expect that person to watch your child and not palm it off to someone else. or if they are needing help for an appointment then at least to ask you if it's ok.

cuppycakey · 14/12/2018 18:09

A parent should surely always be asked before their baby is left with someone? Even if my sister was watching baby and giving her my mum for a hour, I trust them both but I'd expect to be informed?

Feb - The parents were informed. Maybe you missed that bit?

Ceilingrose · 15/12/2018 09:56

They didn't give informed consent.

BertrandRussell · 15/12/2018 12:11

This is so bizarre. "informed consent" for a family member to let another family member watch a baby for an hour?

BertrandRussell · 15/12/2018 12:16

"Even if my sister was watching baby and giving her my mum for a hour,"
That's the crux, isn't it "even my sister" "even my mum"
The old "in laws are not real relations" trope again.

Zevitevitchofcwsmas · 15/12/2018 12:20

My dm side of the family is large. Lots of aunts and uncles and cousins (20 ish) I can honestly say pretty much all the aunts and uncles and cousins are pretty responsible and child focused people who would put a child's need first. Yes some have turned out selfish etc but even then for a few hours I would probably trust my own small dc with anyone of them.

On my df side... There are very different types of people. Maybe 1 person I would feel happy leaving my dc with, maybe some I think the dc could endure for an hour and some... No not even an hour.

In dh family I can also think of people I would be happy leaving dc with and my sil is not one of them.
I don't feel she is aware of anyone's needs outside her own so no I wouldn't want my dc in a car with her, or left with her for any length of time.

I brought my dc into this world they are mine and dh responsibility. The buck stops with us.

Zevitevitchofcwsmas · 15/12/2018 12:30

Bertrand I know my own dsis and wouldn't be happy with her watching my dc.

You always miss these sort of points not every mum in the world is happy with their family watching /looking after dc but totally ban their in laws. I find it you always miss the point of in law threads and minimise the problems many people face.

For instance I don't trust my dsil at all she has proved over the years she cannot think of anyone else's needs. However dh cousin is wondeful... I trust her completely.

cuppycakey · 15/12/2018 12:33

CEILING what would you call it then when the child's father was informed, and left the child in MILs care, in full knowledge of the arrangement?

BertrandRussell · 15/12/2018 12:48

BertrandRussell · 15/12/2018 12:52

" I find it you always miss the point of in law threads and minimise the problems many people face."

Many people do face huge problems. But it doesn't look as if the OP does. She just thinks of herself as the main parent- the fact that the baby's father was OK with the arrangement is brushed aside - the grandparents should have asked the boss!

Yidette86 · 15/12/2018 12:59

The husband gave consent though didn't he? Does that not count? I personally would prefer to know in advanced and its possible they did intentionally not tell the OP this as they were fearful for her reaction... They are probably aware of her dislike for SIL even if she thinks she doesn't make it obvious. But the crux of it is they did actually tell her DH.

He then told OP, if either felt uncomfortable because apparently she's abusive and neglectful they could have not gone to work and stayed with the child.... After all, their child's safety trumps any job.

JassyRadlett · 15/12/2018 13:09

Plus they DID run it by their son who agreed to it?!

They told him too late for him to make alternative arrangements, though. Leaving it until the child was already dropped off and the parents on their way to work means his other options were much more limited than they would have been otherwise.

There’s a level of dishonesty at play in not mentioning it until that point, especially when there were earlier opportunities to do so.

It’s the dishonesty that would make me uncomfortable and unhappy, even I had a brilliant relationship with the SIL.

Gina2012 · 15/12/2018 13:16

You don't like SIL

You leave your child with PIL knowing that SIL has snuck in to see child before and no one has told you - and then you're surprised that SIL saw child on this particular occasion and in fact looked after child without you knowing

Why are you surprised?

Why are you shocked?

No one is telling you because they know you don't like SIL

It's not rocket science

If you don't want SIL to see child then don't leave child with PIL when you go to work, or at any other time for that matter

I think you might have a screw loose

BertrandRussell · 15/12/2018 14:28

I do hope you’ve reported your SIL to the authorities. She obviously isn’t fit to be a childminder. It’s hugely irresponsible of you if you haven’t.

SantaClauseMightWork · 15/12/2018 14:42

Sorry but the three principles apply here fully. I wouldn’t want her looking after my child. But I would report her.
This was one of the most spectacular drip feeds I have seen on Mumsnet. You should have explained this earlier. I think you are facing conflicting emotions yourself. You should report her. If she does that while you are there, what does she do when no one is watching? Report her FFS.

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