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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to still be annoyed at MIL

175 replies

PitteryPotteryRockingHorse · 13/12/2018 07:18

I’m a regular user on here but have nc for this as could be quite outing.

I’m on maternity leave and have been undertaking my kit days over the last couple of months. Each day I’ve gone in my sister has been watching my dd for me but wasn’t able to on one of the days so I asked my mil who seemed happy to help.

When I saw her about a week before the kit day she mentioned to me that fil had booked a days annual leave so he could spend the day with them. I thought that was nice.

Night before kit day, I messaged mil to check everything was still ok. She replied, yep no problem.

Me and my DH work together so we went together to drop dd to his parents. We got stuck in traffic so ended up being a bit late so when we got to the house he took DD to fil and sorted out car seat etc. I went to mil to go through food and milk. It was all a bit rushed but before I’d even got in the house, and before mil had even said hello she’d asked how we’d got on at slimming world, as we’d joined the week before (the reason I’m mentioning this is to show she had time to ask, it wasn’t that rushed)

As me and DH drove off to work, he asked me if I knew his sister was watching dd for a bit that day. I didn’t have a clue. Apparently his parents had to go to the hospital for an appointment and didn’t want to take her. (I’ve later found out it was a physio appointment for one of them)

I was absolutely livid about not being told/asked about this and told my DH so but there was nothing we could do as we were both already late for work.

DH managed to leave work a little early and spoke to his parents in a very soft way to say can you let us know next time. His dad replied to say he did. Yeah when it was far too late to do anything about it.

This is now weeks ago and I just can’t shake how annoyed I am. So please tell me aibu or would you be upset too?

There is a back story which would explain further why I’m annoyed but given my in laws don’t know, I would like your opinion based on what they do know.

OP posts:
NonaGrey · 13/12/2018 11:21

You need to make it clear to your PILs that SIL is never to have some charge of your DD.

If you don’t trust that they’ll adhere to that then don’t ask to baby sit.

It’s not an difficult issue to solve you just have to be prepared to have the conversations.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 13/12/2018 11:53

@Alfie190 agreed it doesnt ring true. Firstly MIL knows nothing about the back story, then the family tell each other everything. Then SIL is a theif but nobody knows OP and DH know this fact, then suddenly SIL is an abusive childminder. Too many contradictions.

Monkeynuts18 · 13/12/2018 11:54

If I’ve understood the story correctly:

YANBU in the slightest not to want this woman caring for your child.
YABU to be annoyed at your PILS over something they (a) didn’t know you’d be unhappy about and (b) had told your DH about.

If I were in your shoes the person I’d be really annoyed with would be your DH! He knew about it, he knew you’d be unhappy about it, and he chose not to tell you until the point at which you couldn’t do anything about it.

EtVoilaBrexit · 13/12/2018 12:11

The way I see it mil had every opportunity to tell me but deliberately chose not to.
In your shoes, I would be wondering why your MIL didn’t tell you. Not this time, but also not the times before.
I would suspect this is because she knows you wouldn’t approve of your dd spending time with SIL (with or wo good reasons) so she feels she has to hide the fact she (your MIL) is trusting her know daughter enough to leave her grand daughter in her care (which makes sense seen that she is a registered childminder...)

I would gather that you have made your feeling about your SIL parenting clear too which might have come across as unnecessary/uptight/unreasonable to your MIL.

Im trusting someone with my child who I have no faith in to be honest with me.
That’s you real issue along side the fact you can’t stand your SIL.
I think that either you decide that neither your PIL nor your SIL can ever look after your dd in their own (you will need the support of your DH there. Would he agree with you??) . Or you will have to suck up the fact she does things in a very different way than you and accept this is ok for your dd to be experiencing that in an INFREQUENT basis.

UnknownStuntman · 13/12/2018 12:25

The three do's.

That is all.

SummerGems · 13/12/2018 12:41

Personally I’ve never understood this obsession with family needing to run every decision re children and e.g. leaving them briefly with another family member by the parent. Friend absolutely. But family is family and this woman is the child’s aunt, and the ILs have a hospital appointment.

Secondly, the drip feed is clearly a crock of shite made up to elicit sympathy given the initial response has been a resounding yabu. So on that basis, ... and the fact the ILs don’t actually know any of this alleged other stuff anyway, yabu.

cuppycakey · 13/12/2018 12:45

Even if the Dripfeed is true doubtful then YABU because you say MIL has no idea you feel this way about SIL.

I would not leave my child with someone who was racist, but you and DH chose to do this when you drove away from MILS house fully informed. You are still the unreasonable one here, not MIL.

OhLemons · 13/12/2018 12:58

Unless your MIL is Mystic Meg then I still don't think they've done anything particularly wrong.

Your MIL does not know your strength of feeling about SIL. When you did find out SIL would be babysitting you still went to work, so why is it more of an issue now? You had an option not to go once you'd found out but didn't take it.

Original poster
PitteryPotteryRockingHorse · 13/12/2018 14:52

Why would I make this up? If I didn’t like the replies I could’ve just not returned to the thread!

I obviously didn’t articulate myself clearly in my original post as the back story I was referring to was me not liking my sil. My mil does know about everything I said except my feelings on sil.

I’ve got pulled away from the original point of the post and have been focusing on justifying why I don’t like sil rather than focusing on finding out if other people thought I was being unreasonable in being upset with my in-laws. I have absolutely no doubt that my opinion on my sil is reasonable.

My DH wasn’t happy we weren’t told either but he is adamant that dd would be completely safe with sil. Again I didn’t mention it because I didn’t want to detract from my original point, but we had a huge row about it at the time.

DH doesn’t want to talk more frankly to his parents about the situation so I’ve said dd won’t be left with them alone again but he thinks I’m dramatising things, hence my original post.

OP posts:
NonaGrey · 13/12/2018 14:54

You need to get your DH on the same page otherwise this will cause years of arguments between the two of you.

UnknownStuntman · 13/12/2018 14:56

Remember the three do's and stick to them.

Original poster
PitteryPotteryRockingHorse · 13/12/2018 15:12

@UnknownStuntman What are the three dos?

OP posts:
UnknownStuntman · 13/12/2018 15:22

Do you love your grandchild?
Do you want a relationship with them?
Do as you're fucking told, then.

Rachelle3211 · 13/12/2018 15:47

Your sil is a registered childminder it seems fine for them to leave her with them for a bit. I have no doubts your ils know exactly how you feel about your sil.

IF she really is so dangerous why is your dh fine with this?

oh4forkssake · 13/12/2018 16:08

You need to get your DH on the same page otherwise this will cause years of arguments between the two of you.

Usually on MN when I see this, I couldn't agree with this more. In this instance, it's quite the opposite. It's the DH for whom I feel sorry.

OP, you are being completely overdramatic. You need to sort yourself out in relation to your SIL if you want your DD to have a relationship with your DH's family.

LittleMissPonsible · 13/12/2018 17:47

I think your taking it too far by saying your DD won’t be left alone with your PILs again. They obviously didn’t realise you would be so against leaving DD with SIL, your DH has told them they need to give you notice if they can’t manage her for the whole time you’ll be away - problem solved. If they can’t have her you’ll arrange an alternative you are happy with, they don’t need to take it upon themselves to do this.

It is worth bearing in mind that once you go back to work and other people are involved in your DD’s care, you need to relinquish a little control. I mean this very gently, but things will happen to your DD in any childcare situation that you are not able to predict or manage as you will not be there.If that is a real problem for you then perhaps being a SAHP would better suit you?

augustboymummy17 · 13/12/2018 18:07

So my DH sister is 12 and if I found out that she had been left I would be livid however if she was a responsible adult I think I would be angry If i wasn't told but as long as no hard came to dc I would get over it and move on just explain this isn't to happen again! Xx

UnknownStuntman · 13/12/2018 18:37

Ponsible, you're being a little but disingenuous there. They clearly knew she wouldn't like it or they'd have been upfront and not lied about the FIL taking the day off to help when it was clearly for the appointment. They've also hidden the fact that they've allowed a woman who isn't fit to be around children access to the DD at least twice previously.

I think that's obvious that they know OP has reservations about the SIL but don't care about them or the health of the DD.

No way they would be able to see any child of mine after this.

RaspberryRipple1963 · 13/12/2018 19:41

Sorry,but what's a 'kit day'?

RandomMess · 13/12/2018 20:09

I would not have been happy for anyone to plan to leave my DC with someone else and not tell me in advance.

In an emergency fine, someone visiting them to spend time with my DC fine.

Why would you not "check" if it was ok?

ADropofReality · 13/12/2018 21:34

PILs (who presumably love their grandkids) are probably delighted to take them and to help you out in difficult circs. If they don't know you dislike your SIL (their DD) then they aren't to be blamed for planning for their own difficult hospital appointment by leaving your kids with their DD.

But you might address your views to your SIL, which dripped all over here and amount to a tissue of slander which no-one here is fit to judge true.

LittleMissPonsible · 13/12/2018 22:40

Unknown I wasn’t being disingenuous, what I wrote was my genuine understanding. I didn’t think the PIL had deliberately not told the OP about SIL helping out. If that is true then that does put a different slant on things - if the OP can’t trust the in laws then she really shouldn’t leave her DD with them. Is the OP certain the knew she would hate SIL looking after DD and didn’t just fail to tell her?

StoppinBy · 13/12/2018 22:52

I actually agree that they should have asked you in a decent time frame if you were ok with your SIL having your child for a period of time that day so you could either make alternate arrangements or agree that it would be fine (and by you I mean of course you and DP).

I think seeing as it has passed and your bub is fine you should let it go.

That being said, let it go but don't forget, next time you need to clarify that they will be the only one watching your baby. Perhaps your DP needs to sit down with them before that time and make it clear that neither of you are ok with anyone watching your child except them if you have asked and they have agreed to mind your child.

That way the discussion is out of the way and you wont need to worry about it anymore. From the way it was just casually mentioned when you dropped your child off it sounds like they thought it was no big deal and that you would have no issue with it.

Maelstrop · 13/12/2018 22:53

Do you love your grandchild?
Do you want a relationship with them?
Do as you're fucking told, then.

Brilliant and I love it!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 13/12/2018 23:03

I can't help but feel you're angry because the PILs didn't ask you or at least that MIL didn't tell you and not FIL telling DH rather than you being annoyed because you don't like SIL.

That's one of the most spectacular drip feeds I've ever seen.

You come across as yet another controlling DIL who has to have every single thing passed by her.

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