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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to still be annoyed at MIL

175 replies

PitteryPotteryRockingHorse · 13/12/2018 07:18

I’m a regular user on here but have nc for this as could be quite outing.

I’m on maternity leave and have been undertaking my kit days over the last couple of months. Each day I’ve gone in my sister has been watching my dd for me but wasn’t able to on one of the days so I asked my mil who seemed happy to help.

When I saw her about a week before the kit day she mentioned to me that fil had booked a days annual leave so he could spend the day with them. I thought that was nice.

Night before kit day, I messaged mil to check everything was still ok. She replied, yep no problem.

Me and my DH work together so we went together to drop dd to his parents. We got stuck in traffic so ended up being a bit late so when we got to the house he took DD to fil and sorted out car seat etc. I went to mil to go through food and milk. It was all a bit rushed but before I’d even got in the house, and before mil had even said hello she’d asked how we’d got on at slimming world, as we’d joined the week before (the reason I’m mentioning this is to show she had time to ask, it wasn’t that rushed)

As me and DH drove off to work, he asked me if I knew his sister was watching dd for a bit that day. I didn’t have a clue. Apparently his parents had to go to the hospital for an appointment and didn’t want to take her. (I’ve later found out it was a physio appointment for one of them)

I was absolutely livid about not being told/asked about this and told my DH so but there was nothing we could do as we were both already late for work.

DH managed to leave work a little early and spoke to his parents in a very soft way to say can you let us know next time. His dad replied to say he did. Yeah when it was far too late to do anything about it.

This is now weeks ago and I just can’t shake how annoyed I am. So please tell me aibu or would you be upset too?

There is a back story which would explain further why I’m annoyed but given my in laws don’t know, I would like your opinion based on what they do know.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 13/12/2018 08:17

We need more context. On the face of it, YABU to be this annoyed 1 week later.

EtVoilaBrexit · 13/12/2018 08:19

They did their best to support you and your DH.
They organised things so they didn't let you down.
And they asked your Dh’s sister to look after the child for a bit. Just like your own sister looked after them.

Unlike therebis a huge backstory about how you can’t possibly trust your SIL, I really can’t see th issue There. Except the fact youbare going to aleniate people that are willing to go over board to support you.

NonaGrey · 13/12/2018 08:21

I assume that you have reason not to completely trust SIL?

Otherwise you are not unreasonable to be miffed not to have to asked in advance but you are unreasonable to still be annoyed about now (assuming SIL did a good job)

wombat1a · 13/12/2018 08:21

So it's ok for YOUR sister to babysit DHs child but not HIS sister? Unless there is something that makes this particular aunt unsuitable then YABU.

Poloshot · 13/12/2018 08:22

Nor sure what the issue is

PotteringAlong · 13/12/2018 08:23

You are being completely unreasonable here. They were helping you out and arranged with DH’s sister to come so they could continue to do so. Not an issue.

drinkygin · 13/12/2018 08:25

You are being absolutely unreasonable and completely precious. It’s he baby’s aunt, not the milkman! You should be grateful and happy that you have so many family members who want to help you and spend time with your child.

thebear1 · 13/12/2018 08:25

Yabu, if your in laws have no idea of a backstory that makes their daughter unsuitable what they did was reasonable.

BeanBagLady · 13/12/2018 08:27

Your FIL told your child’s other parent.

Mildly annoying, but not enough of an issue for you to be stewing all this time later, so what’s going on for you?

cadburysflake · 13/12/2018 08:28

Given what you've written if it was me yes I'd be slightly put out, more because I didn't have any say in who was looking after my child. My husband's sister is clueless and has never looked after a baby so if it was hypothetically her I'd be very worried just because she'd literally not know what to do.

Unless you provide more detail it's hard to gauge if your reaction is unreasonable. Is it just that she's clueless or has something happened that gives you reason to not trust her with a baby?

OrgyofSausages · 13/12/2018 08:29

I never had ANY family members to help me when my dc were small. You are being VVU and are selfish and precious and entitled. Hmm.

Suck it up or get a nanny.

Littlecaf · 13/12/2018 08:29

This sort I thing happens all the time when you are a parent. I’d get over it.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 13/12/2018 08:34

Waiting for the drip feed that DH sister is a violent heroin addict....

WhatchaMaCalllit · 13/12/2018 08:34

Unless the backstory (nearly typed backstop there Grin ) is that you have specifically said that SIL is not to be left in charge of your baby for any length of time due to a separate incident (grasping at straws here) then as far as you were aware until you collected your child again they were in charge. They found alternative childcare for the time that they had already got an appointment for so they were trying to accommodate you and keep their own appointment.

I think if you need to call on them again, you need to be explicit in your questions - Do you have anything else at all planned for that date? Any appointments? Any meetings? Anything that might interfere with you looking after the baby? If they have any appointments then you thank them for the offer and try and find someone else. Unless you are happy for them to find someone else and then I don't understand the issue at all.

InSwamTiddler · 13/12/2018 08:35

Unless your SIL is crack addict or you’re worried she might kill your baby then YAB MASSIVELY U

winecigsandchoc · 13/12/2018 08:40

Can't see the problem with the aunt looking after your DC. In fact it sounds like a practical solution for childcare for the day, given how long the wait list is for physio appointments and hospital appointments in general.

YABU. Move on, this really is a non issue and sounds a little PFB to me!

cuppycakey · 13/12/2018 08:41

I was absolutely livid about not being told

They told your DH. This makes you sound like a total control freak.

I feel sorry for your ILS

Lalliella · 13/12/2018 08:43

Another voice saying YABU. PIL told your DH and reasonably expected he would communicate it to you which he did. DH didn’t express any problem with the arrangement to PIL so PIL presumably assumed this was fine. They were doing you a favour in the first place, and a further favour in sorting out more arrangements for you without having to trouble you. You should be grateful not “livid”. What an over-reaction.

ShartGoblin · 13/12/2018 08:46

Assuming that the back story is something important then you aren't unreasonable to be upset but you are being unreasonable to blame PIL. I'm sorry for whatever it is but this is a perfectly normal situation when they don't know.

You either need to let it go or tell them what has happened. Personally, I would tell them otherwise they will do it again. You could ask them not to without telling them why but that would be quite odd and they might be less inclined to help you out.

MyKingdomForBrie · 13/12/2018 08:46

YABcompletelyU. Why would they have any idea that you'd have a problem with this, unless as the others say she's either too young or in some way an addict or otherwise unstable that PIL are aware of.

TheVonTrappFamilySwingers · 13/12/2018 08:47

Here is your grip OP.

BertrandRussell · 13/12/2018 08:47

So they told you dp and he was OK with it. Why do you think they should have told you too?

Original poster
PitteryPotteryRockingHorse · 13/12/2018 08:50

Ok thanks everyone, its nice to get a perspective from people who don’t know the family dynamics etc. I guess I need to try and move on.

Just to clarify, whilst I’m not happy with sil watching her, it’s the mil not telling me that’s made me so annoyed. I’d be annoyed if it was anyone, not just sil but it’s hard to know if my opinion of sil is fuelling my feelings. The way I see it mil had every opportunity to tell me but deliberately chose not to. That appointment wasn’t made at the last minute so she had ample of opportunity, and why did both parents need to go if fil only took the day off to spend with dd. I’m trusting someone with my child who I have no faith in to be honest with me.

Also the difference with my sis watching her is that I know my sister would run things like this past me. I also know she'll do as I ask with my dd and if any issues need to be addressed it could be easily and without repercussions.

Mil has watched DD twice before for us and both times sil has come over to see dd whilst we've been out but they’ve tried to hide it from us. Why the secrecy, we wouldn’t have a problem with it. She see her when we are there regularly.

Mil is the type of person to tell everyone everything. I could have a conversation with just her and then someone else would be able to repeat back to me word for word what was said, she didn’t forget to tell me. She chose not to.

The in-laws family dynamic is a bit weird and I wouldn’t be able to comfortably address an issue with them without them having a strop and bitching about me to the rest of the family. I know with my sister I can address a matter and it be dealt with then and there.

OP posts:
Lana1234 · 13/12/2018 08:50

Yabu and a bit odd to still be angry. What’s wrong with the aunt that she can’t look after the baby for just over an hour? They told your DH and probably assumed it was all fine.

Hogtini · 13/12/2018 08:50

Does it really matter in the grand scheme of things? And how can you be more annoyed by your back story that they don't know about? Your in-laws spoke to their son, your husband and father of your dc - they did their bit. It was his responsibility to let you know, I'd be more annoyed it him - especially if he knows the back story.