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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to still be annoyed at MIL

175 replies

PitteryPotteryRockingHorse · 13/12/2018 07:18

I’m a regular user on here but have nc for this as could be quite outing.

I’m on maternity leave and have been undertaking my kit days over the last couple of months. Each day I’ve gone in my sister has been watching my dd for me but wasn’t able to on one of the days so I asked my mil who seemed happy to help.

When I saw her about a week before the kit day she mentioned to me that fil had booked a days annual leave so he could spend the day with them. I thought that was nice.

Night before kit day, I messaged mil to check everything was still ok. She replied, yep no problem.

Me and my DH work together so we went together to drop dd to his parents. We got stuck in traffic so ended up being a bit late so when we got to the house he took DD to fil and sorted out car seat etc. I went to mil to go through food and milk. It was all a bit rushed but before I’d even got in the house, and before mil had even said hello she’d asked how we’d got on at slimming world, as we’d joined the week before (the reason I’m mentioning this is to show she had time to ask, it wasn’t that rushed)

As me and DH drove off to work, he asked me if I knew his sister was watching dd for a bit that day. I didn’t have a clue. Apparently his parents had to go to the hospital for an appointment and didn’t want to take her. (I’ve later found out it was a physio appointment for one of them)

I was absolutely livid about not being told/asked about this and told my DH so but there was nothing we could do as we were both already late for work.

DH managed to leave work a little early and spoke to his parents in a very soft way to say can you let us know next time. His dad replied to say he did. Yeah when it was far too late to do anything about it.

This is now weeks ago and I just can’t shake how annoyed I am. So please tell me aibu or would you be upset too?

There is a back story which would explain further why I’m annoyed but given my in laws don’t know, I would like your opinion based on what they do know.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 13/12/2018 23:07

Do you love your grandchild?
Do you want a relationship with them?
Do as you're fucking told, then.

Only someone who thinks they can blackmail their parents or inlaws and thinks they have the right to have all their own way would think like the above.

Relationships work when there's mutual respect and understanding, give and take, trust and love.

GunpowderGelatine · 13/12/2018 23:07

YANBU and I'm amazed people are saying you are, I'd never ever be happy with someone watching my baby without my knowledge. What possessed them t not even ask first?!

HauntedPencil · 13/12/2018 23:10

Look if she was THAT bad you'd have had to cancel your KIT day or gone in late to go back to try to rearrange the plan or not leave your DD

You didn't so you knew before, yes they could have asked and given you more notice but they didn't but you still knew in advance of her having your DD.

I think it's harsh to let true drag on, but you need to be honest so it dosent fester. I'd just tell them that you don't want SIL in charge of your DD on her own.

HauntedPencil · 13/12/2018 23:14

I agree GreatDuck. Who would want to be "fucking told what to do"

If OP explains not to leave with SIL and they do it again yes that's an issue.

So needlessly aggressive.

Fairylightsandwine · 13/12/2018 23:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 14/12/2018 00:08

Personally I think the three dos are a disgraceful way to speak to your parents. And some people would do well to remember that one day they will be the MIL.

Yidette86 · 14/12/2018 00:35

I'm sorry but if what you say about your SIL is true then I wouldn't have been going to work and leaving my child with her when I found out...
That's just mad and irresponsible in itself Confused

BertrandRussell · 14/12/2018 06:49

“Do you love your grandchild?
Do you want a relationship with them?
Do as you're fucking told, then”

This has to be sarcasm or something, surely?

LilMy33 · 14/12/2018 07:11

In the second(?) dripfeed you described the SIL as basically being a bit neglectful/not doing things how you’d do them. Then not long after she’s using words like paki and retard and putting babies at risk of injury by swinging by their vests Hmm which is it? Because one is a difference of opinion and one needs reporting.

Based on your OP alone YABU.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 14/12/2018 07:16

Not sarcasm no BertrandRussell. Bullshit yes.

Troels · 14/12/2018 08:12

You sound quite controlling, wanting to decide everything about your child. YABU your baby was left for an hour with a registered childminding relative and came to no harm. Mil didn't leave him to be raised by wolves.
I know it's your first child but you need to chill, you have to trust your Dh's judgement in this too, he knew and was OK with it.

SalemBlackCat4 · 14/12/2018 08:17

What are kit days?

fredleighton · 14/12/2018 08:23

I'm utterly shocked by the 3 dos. This has to be a joke? (I'm a gp)

WarCat · 14/12/2018 08:32

Yab way over dramatic Confused

Ceilingrose · 14/12/2018 08:39

What a load of utter rubbish is spoken on here.

If I entrust my baby to someone I expect them not to transfer the task. If they need to do so, they have to let you know in advance. It's your choice who looks after your child, not theirs. Otherwise it looks as though you were 'managed '.

Everybody knows this. Not in here, apparently. And god help me, some vile posts to a new mum.

Yidette86 · 14/12/2018 09:02

Whilst Ceiling I agree that you should be told who is looking after your child so you can make an informed choice... It's suspected this post is a load of bollocks because the drip feed then goes on to say that apparently the SIL is a racist, abusive and neglectful childminder and yet the OP still left her there when she was eventually informed... Something smells a bit fishy on here

Iris27 · 14/12/2018 09:02

But I think the PILs were doing their best to help. Would it have been better if they cancelled looking after the child because of the appointments? They made sure the OP could do her KIT day by arranging this bit of cover without her having to worry about it.

Yes maybe they should've mentioned it. So just ask them in calm way that next time you'd like to know.

I think this is a massive overreaction in this case.

Iris27 · 14/12/2018 09:06

Do you love your grandchild?
Do you want a relationship with them?
Do as you're fucking told, then.

This is horrible.

Ceilingrose · 14/12/2018 09:14

I can see how someone who was jumped at the last minute might leave the child with a unfavoured relative, if they had been 'jumped' like this. Especially if she didn't have her DH's support or time to react.

I think if it were me, I would ring or visit the in laws after the event and explain how she felt about it, and just ask in future that they let her/them know in advance if it will be a problem. When fil says he did, she can firmly say he didn't, except at the last second, which is different. I wouldn't get into any discussion about sil's personality.

And really it doesn't matter what her own sister or the sil is like. It's a matter of principle.

Just as it doesn't matter whether or not you disagree with a poster- it is perfectly possible to disagree with an OP without being brutal.

flumpybear · 14/12/2018 09:15

I'm sorry but those things you said about your SIL I'd first have told her it's unacceptable to do that and is certainly have an issue about her looking after my children. If she was a 'normal' person when it comes to caring, whatever that is! Then yes but not after she's done what you've mentioned above. I'd also tell MIL that too - if she changes the plans then you want to know In Advance or you'll just not bother asking her again - bollocks to it, childs welfare is more important than a grown woman's feelings

I had a 'friend' who was both a nurse and a mum of a first born at the same
Time as me, met through a group at the health centre, she was a very hands off and care free (careless!) mum who took pleasure in putting while grapes into my child's mouth, swinging her around by her arms in the park and generally just doing things she knew I'd be screaming inside about - she did it on purpose because she was renounced for trying to piss people off by doing things they hated and bragging about it - needless to say she's no
Longer a friend!

Yidette86 · 14/12/2018 09:20

Doesn't matter how sprung on it was... A responsible parent would never leave their child with someone who they claim abuses children Hmm

mammmamia · 14/12/2018 09:25

unknown
I hope your future DIL uses this on you. Absolutely disgraceful.

oh4forkssake · 14/12/2018 09:29

For those asking KIT days are Keeping In Touch days. You can work (and be paid for) up to 10 days at your job while you’re on maternity leave. It’s a way to keep you in touch with / ease you back into your job. If you’re getting maternity pay still, you still receive it.

paintinmyhairAgain · 14/12/2018 09:29

to a pp the three dos ? you aren't serious are you ? as this is a totally wankerish thing to say, even more so to agree with and think it;s brilliant. there is more to be gained by trying to be civil and then if that doesn't work, reduce contact.
as you've reported sil, we must assume she doesn't child mind anymore. yanbu to be cross about passing dd onto sil if she is that bad, but you really do need to let this go.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 14/12/2018 09:34

The 3 do's was quoted on a thread last week by someone who wasn't joking or being sarcastic. Sadly I can see this becoming a mantra on MN for the controlling and frankly quite nasty type of women that think they can pull this type of shit with their PILs.

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