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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to still be annoyed at MIL

175 replies

PitteryPotteryRockingHorse · 13/12/2018 07:18

I’m a regular user on here but have nc for this as could be quite outing.

I’m on maternity leave and have been undertaking my kit days over the last couple of months. Each day I’ve gone in my sister has been watching my dd for me but wasn’t able to on one of the days so I asked my mil who seemed happy to help.

When I saw her about a week before the kit day she mentioned to me that fil had booked a days annual leave so he could spend the day with them. I thought that was nice.

Night before kit day, I messaged mil to check everything was still ok. She replied, yep no problem.

Me and my DH work together so we went together to drop dd to his parents. We got stuck in traffic so ended up being a bit late so when we got to the house he took DD to fil and sorted out car seat etc. I went to mil to go through food and milk. It was all a bit rushed but before I’d even got in the house, and before mil had even said hello she’d asked how we’d got on at slimming world, as we’d joined the week before (the reason I’m mentioning this is to show she had time to ask, it wasn’t that rushed)

As me and DH drove off to work, he asked me if I knew his sister was watching dd for a bit that day. I didn’t have a clue. Apparently his parents had to go to the hospital for an appointment and didn’t want to take her. (I’ve later found out it was a physio appointment for one of them)

I was absolutely livid about not being told/asked about this and told my DH so but there was nothing we could do as we were both already late for work.

DH managed to leave work a little early and spoke to his parents in a very soft way to say can you let us know next time. His dad replied to say he did. Yeah when it was far too late to do anything about it.

This is now weeks ago and I just can’t shake how annoyed I am. So please tell me aibu or would you be upset too?

There is a back story which would explain further why I’m annoyed but given my in laws don’t know, I would like your opinion based on what they do know.

OP posts:
winsinbin · 13/12/2018 09:42

YABU and appear to be letting your dislike of DSIL influence you here. She may not be a nice person and she might not be as attentive to her charges as you or their parents would be but that doesn’t mean she isn’t fit to take charge of her niece for an hour or two. If she is genuinely neglecting the children it would be a different matter but if it was actually neglect I am sure (given your dislike of her) you would have reported her long ago.

Your PIL and your SIL seem to have bent over backwards to accommodate you and you don’t seem appreciative.

For the record I dislike my SIL and she isn’t keen on me but I try very hard not to let this come between us and our respective DCs. It’s important they have their own relationships.

MatildaTheCat · 13/12/2018 09:42

They didn’t tell you because they know you can’t stand the woman and really didn’t want the extra hassle of taking the baby to a hospital appointment.

OK, you would have done it differently and so might I but the bigger issue here is that when someone other than yourself cares for your child, even when paid, you do lose some control of what happens.

They made a plan that was safe and workable. The fact that you don’t like the individual didn’t interfere with these facts. ( You think she’s neglectful, others may see it differently unless you have concrete examples of children coming to harm in her care.)

LetsSplashMummy · 13/12/2018 09:47

A less than perfect childminder watching a baby at it's GPs home for a single hour - honestly OP you are being ridiculous. You are also too emotionally invested in things that are none of your business.

If your DH can't point out to his DSis that she gave him the wrong item, then you don't have enough moral courage to bitch about it and claim the moral high ground. He chose not to say anything, own that decision and move on instead of festering (learning the consequences of your decisions is how you make better decisions next time).

I think that if you don't want SIL watching your DCs, you will have to make that clear and actually have a difficult conversation. It won't have occurred to your ILs.

NoParticularPattern · 13/12/2018 09:50

I think the point is that they clearly knew in advance that was what they were going to do, yet chose not to actually mention it. Like OP says, if FIL hadn’t mentioned it to DH then how would you have known at all? I also don’t get this attitude on MN that because you’re not paying for childcare that it’s absolutely fine that any Tom, Dick or Harry has your child. You are entitled to know where your child is and who they are being looked after by- that’s the point of childcare whether you pay for it or not. I don’t think it was fair of them to just change the arrangement without agreeing it with you but equally I do think you need to let it go. It’s not like it’s a regular thing- you said in your OP that your sister usually does the looking after. I’d just try and make a point about how it would be nice if you knew who was looking after your child. I understand that it’s your DHs sister, but if it had actually been Mavis from number 27 then should that be ok too? They do need to ask you, she is your child after all.

Original poster
PitteryPotteryRockingHorse · 13/12/2018 09:56

I didnt intend to drip feed, i genuinely didn’t want to out myself but I’ve probably given too much info anyway so I’ll just give you some examples.

Yes there are things that are just not how I’d do it. My dd eats healthy food and I prep all meals when anyone looks after her so I don’t feel bad asking for her to eat specific stuff. Her son eats sausages for breakfast, chicken nuggets for a mid morning snack and then sausages for lunch etc. I wouldn’t trust her to not feed dd the same as her child. Particularly as she always makes a point of asking me if she can have a cake, crisps etc. when I am there.

Sending toddlers to bed with a bottle of tea and leaving them there for as long as possible.

But some of the stuff that I personally witnessed that I’m really not happy with is:

Calling Indian children pakis as they walk out of the room and she thought they were out of ear shot.

Holding and swinging a baby by the back of its baby grow that was done up by poppers.

Referring to a disabled child as a retard, whilst she was there.

Not talking or interacting with the children she was minding for over two hours

Offering her son chocolate in front of two children but not offering it to them. (I know this contradicts my point above about healthy eating but there is a difference in giving a 5/6 year old chocolate to a 10month old).

I could carry on but I’m sure you get the point.

OP posts:
Osirus · 13/12/2018 09:56

YANBU.

They absolutely should have told you in advance - who doesn’t want to know who is going to be looking after their baby?!

Osirus · 13/12/2018 09:58

She sounds horrible too.

Original poster
PitteryPotteryRockingHorse · 13/12/2018 10:04

Further clarification: I never said it was for an hour at my in-laws house. My in-laws took dd to sil house which is half hour further away from the hospital than their house so it was a couple of hours at least.

Also the whole point of my original post was to find out if I am allowing my opinion of my sil to cloud my judgement of pil’s actions or whether other people would be annoyed too.

OP posts:
Beaverhausen · 13/12/2018 10:05

After reading your last post I understand why you were concerned and would also choose not to leave my child with her.

The mere fact that you choose to ignore how she treats other people's children who are left in her care makes you just as complicit. Personally I would have reported her by now and have told her off for hiw she treats children.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/12/2018 10:06

You didn't think to put any of that in the op? That was not a drip feed that was a river.

ambereeree · 13/12/2018 10:08

Holding and swinging a baby by the back of its baby grow that was done up by poppers.
YABVU not to report this. If this is true why did you not cancel your KIT day?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 13/12/2018 10:12

Well she doesn't sound nice but you said your in laws no none of this and you weren't worried enough that either you or DH took the day off so why are you still stewing over it?

Original poster
PitteryPotteryRockingHorse · 13/12/2018 10:24

The in laws do know this stuff, but she is their golden child and can do no wrong in their eyes. What I meant in my op is that they don’t know I don’t like her and don’t want her looking after my dd.

Please also don’t assume I’ve said or done nothing about this!!

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 13/12/2018 10:30

So why didn't one of you take the day off then?

Omzlas · 13/12/2018 10:35

I would've cancelled my KIT day

She sounds like a vile human

Lana1234 · 13/12/2018 10:36

That was a huge drip feed and changes things massively. I wouldn’t want her looking after my baby she sounds awful. If she has genuinely used racist language towards children and swung a baby around then you need to report her surely

oh4forkssake · 13/12/2018 10:36

You didn't ask in the OP if if your view of your SIL was clouding your judgment, but even having read your updates, yes, it is, and yes, YABU.

mummmy2017 · 13/12/2018 10:42

You were in the car and knew before you went into Kit day.. SO it is more you dislike the woman...
You are going to have a hard life if you take everything to heart like this about your child.

CloudPop · 13/12/2018 10:46

They shouldn't have dropped your child off with the SIL (or anyone else) without agreeing this with you in advance.

Linziepie · 13/12/2018 10:46

I would be angry too. There was plenty of time for them to let you know their plans and it's a bit odd that they didnt tell you, it seems that MIL was trying to hide it. Will they be looking after your DC when you go back to work?

ElevenSmiles · 13/12/2018 10:48

You let your sil look after your dd, so you couldn't have been that concerned or as livid as you say.

BlingLoving · 13/12/2018 10:48

Honestly, this is very confusing.

  1. You are wrong. Your PIL know perfectly well how you feel about SIL. That's why they kept the whole thing quiet. Which is not okay. But also means you need to think about how you choose to engage with them all in the future.
  2. This woman is not just slightly unpleasant, she's awful. In which case, if what youv'e seen is true you should a) be telling her it's not okay b) potentially reporting her and c) cancelling your KIT day when you heard she was looking after your DD.
  3. You seem more concerned that she'll feed your DD sausages than that she'll do something that is actually dangerous or cruel. I don't really understand that.
pudcat · 13/12/2018 10:49

You know all this about your SIL and you have not reported it to the authorities? Then you are not thinking of those poor children and you are very selfish.

Blondebakingmumma · 13/12/2018 10:51

I would be annoyed in your situation too.
I can see from their point of view too. Really looking forward to having a day with your child but an appointment comes up. Know you wouldn’t want SIL minding your child and know you would have let someone else look after them for the day instead (like your Dsis). So to ensure they still get to look after your dc they secretly organize SIL and tell you on the day so you really have no option

Alfie190 · 13/12/2018 11:05

So you waited until page four to explain why you really don't want DD to be looked over by SIL? Even though earlier you have said that you didn't have a problem with SIL it was just not being told that you had issue with?

I think you are making something up because nearly everyone has said you were being unreasonable. And you are? You sound very weird and difficult.