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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to still be annoyed at MIL

175 replies

PitteryPotteryRockingHorse · 13/12/2018 07:18

I’m a regular user on here but have nc for this as could be quite outing.

I’m on maternity leave and have been undertaking my kit days over the last couple of months. Each day I’ve gone in my sister has been watching my dd for me but wasn’t able to on one of the days so I asked my mil who seemed happy to help.

When I saw her about a week before the kit day she mentioned to me that fil had booked a days annual leave so he could spend the day with them. I thought that was nice.

Night before kit day, I messaged mil to check everything was still ok. She replied, yep no problem.

Me and my DH work together so we went together to drop dd to his parents. We got stuck in traffic so ended up being a bit late so when we got to the house he took DD to fil and sorted out car seat etc. I went to mil to go through food and milk. It was all a bit rushed but before I’d even got in the house, and before mil had even said hello she’d asked how we’d got on at slimming world, as we’d joined the week before (the reason I’m mentioning this is to show she had time to ask, it wasn’t that rushed)

As me and DH drove off to work, he asked me if I knew his sister was watching dd for a bit that day. I didn’t have a clue. Apparently his parents had to go to the hospital for an appointment and didn’t want to take her. (I’ve later found out it was a physio appointment for one of them)

I was absolutely livid about not being told/asked about this and told my DH so but there was nothing we could do as we were both already late for work.

DH managed to leave work a little early and spoke to his parents in a very soft way to say can you let us know next time. His dad replied to say he did. Yeah when it was far too late to do anything about it.

This is now weeks ago and I just can’t shake how annoyed I am. So please tell me aibu or would you be upset too?

There is a back story which would explain further why I’m annoyed but given my in laws don’t know, I would like your opinion based on what they do know.

OP posts:
TechnicalSergeantGarp · 13/12/2018 08:53

Yanbu. Telling your DH on his way out of the door was a bit off but shows they either (1) didn't think you'd mind or (2) knew you would be annoyed. In any case i would do as has been suggested and have a chat with them all. It's great they are happy to help but you'd rather be aware of the arrangements in advance.

We have very little help. DC adore their GPs and SIL but if I've arranged for an annual sleepover at GPs I'd rather he stayed there. I feel uneasy that they make a swap around and would rather know in advance so I can make alternative arrangements. If the saw DC more or they were older it would probably matter less.

I get where you are coming from. If this is your first DC I'd start leaving them with different family members so you and DD are more comfortable. DC didn't have a full month in nursery, it if they had an upset stomach (teething FFS) they are banned for 48 hours. We had no-one to help and DH and I managed between us but it was very difficult. In that circumstance, you'd be delighted with anyone that could help.

Going back to work after maternity can be difficult. I hated leaving DC with anyone
but needs must You'lll be fine.

Thiswayorthatway · 13/12/2018 08:55

Livid after weeks?! What's so wrong with your SIL? Do your in-laws know yoy dislike her so much?

OhLemons · 13/12/2018 08:56

Even with the backstory I don't really get the problem.

You let your sister look after the baby so unless there are specific known reasons why she shouldn't, I can't see why it would be a problem for your husband's sister to do the same? It was an hour, most adults can cope with a baby for an hour!

WhatsUpHun · 13/12/2018 08:56

still struggling to see what the issue is?

Expatworkingmum · 13/12/2018 08:58

They weren't in the wrong and you aren't unreasonable, but if you're a first time mum and you're heading back to work soon, that can be tough and can make things like this seem bigger than they are.

Sadly once you go back to work you will have to relinquish a bit of control that you've been used to having and it can be hard to get used to. It will come with time.

Not meant to be a dig or patronising, have just been there myself and could understand feeling like that (albeit even if it was unreasonable), particularly as I was about to go back to work after mat leave.

Expatworkingmum · 13/12/2018 08:58

Ooops that was meant to say you ARE being unreasonable!

BertrandRussell · 13/12/2018 08:58

You haven’t explained why she should have told you as well as your dh. Surely I’ve of you is enough?

TechnicalSergeantGarp · 13/12/2018 08:58

Just saw your update. I'd be annoyed in that case too. I'd make alternative arrangements for regular childcare.

I'd also not care about what they said about me to other family members. You and your DH can decide what you both want and he can liaise with his parents.

Lana1234 · 13/12/2018 08:59

Could SIL be going to see the baby when your not there cos she knows you don’t like her very much?

ApolloandDaphne · 13/12/2018 08:59

Unless there is some massive reason to believe your DC was unsafe with your SIL i can't see the issue. She is family. It isn't like they asked the next door neighbour or their mate from round the corner to look after your child.

TechnicalSergeantGarp · 13/12/2018 09:00

It sounds like they mentioned it as an aside. OPs DH thought she already knew. Know they all know what the plans are (or should be).

oh4forkssake · 13/12/2018 09:02

Even with your drip feed I still don't get why you're so cross.

You clearly don't particularly like your SIL but nothing in your post suggests that she's in any way incapable of looking after her niece. I suspect that MIL isn't telling you when she's coming around or about this because they know you don't like her. It's a bit odd but it's not something to be furious about.

Unless there's another massive dripfeed, I think you need to lay off your SIL.

BertrandRussell · 13/12/2018 09:04

“Just saw your update. I'd be annoyed in that case too. I'd make alternative arrangements for regular childcare. ”

Even though the baby’s father knew?

FlaviaAlbia · 13/12/2018 09:11

Mil has watched DD twice before for us and both times sil has come over to see dd whilst we've been out but they’ve tried to hide it from us

Are you sure they're actively trying to hide it or is it that they consider it so unremarkable as to not be worth a mention?

Original poster
PitteryPotteryRockingHorse · 13/12/2018 09:14

Lots of comments I didn’t see before I posted my update.

Yes I know I am very lucky I have family to help and it is greatly appreciated, it doesn’t mean I can’t be upset about something though.

I’m not annoyed they told DH and not me. I’m annoyed they didn’t tell either of us in advance. I’m annoyed mil didn’t say anything not knowing fil had. I’m 99.9% sure if fil hadn’t told DH, we wouldn’t have found out until another family member told us days/weeks later.

I won’t give examples because they are too outing but SIL is actually a registered childminder, however, I’ve seen the way she “looks after” the children and I’m damn sure the parents of them children wouldn’t leave them with her if they knew how she looks after them. I’m not talking anything illegal or dangerous just a bit neglectful.

I also don’t like her as a person. A family member died and my DH was meant to receive something of hers, sil swapped her cheaper/ older version of the item and gave that to DH and kept the family members item. She doesn’t know we know this. DH won’t say anything because he doesn’t want to deal with the drama, but he makes no effort with sil now.

There’s plenty of other stories too, like the time sil stole thousands from mil but again we aren’t meant to know about this.

OP posts:
ZeroFuchsGiven · 13/12/2018 09:20

The in-laws family dynamic is a bit weird

Sorry op but even with your updates you sound the weird one.
There is obviously a reason your sil visits your dd when you are not there you are oozing hatred for this woman who has done nothing wrong to you ever Confused

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 13/12/2018 09:20

I do sometimes wonder whether some of these DiLs who get so precious/steamed up/livid about relatively minor things - especially when they're getting free childcare! will one day turn into the MiLs from hell who future MNers will be bitching about.

crispysausagerolls · 13/12/2018 09:21

I don’t think sporadic babysitting counts as “free childcare”

previousfostercarer · 13/12/2018 09:26

I'd feel annoyed that it took them both to go to apt for one of them. What is about these couples that can't just take themselves off for an apt?
I'd also feel annoyed that they appear to have misled you and wouldn't trust them
You sound as if you have grounds for disliking your SIL and, with what you have said here, I wouldn't be wanting her to look after my child alone
You do, however, have a responsibility ( morally at least) to inform the LA that a childminder is neglectful of other people's children. You now know how you feel so just imagine how the parents of a child in her carer would feel

sweeneytoddsrazor · 13/12/2018 09:28

Nothing illegal or dangerous just a bit neglectful? Or just not the way you would do it? How odd that in a family that tells everybody everything the one person you dont like is the one person you are supposed to know nothing about.

poppiesallykatie · 13/12/2018 09:29

Even with your updates, I can't really see what the problem is. I think you need to be more specific. If she is a registered childminder that's good. How is she neglectful?

lboogy · 13/12/2018 09:32

Sounds like SiL is your BEC and your MIL knew this so didn't tell you. I do agree if someone other than your MIl was going to look after your dd even if it is you child's aunt, you should have been informed. But bottom like, no harm no foul and you should move on

IsobelKarev · 13/12/2018 09:34

YWNBU to be mildly irritated but wouldn't risk an argument about it. In the future, even if your DC has professional childcare, they (and school) won't take kids who are sick so it is really handy to have a backup supply of family who will help out in an emergency.

RoboticMary · 13/12/2018 09:37

You’re making a mountain out of a molehill. Accept it, move on. There are bigger problems in life.

BlingLoving · 13/12/2018 09:40

I assume DC is pretty young so can imagine being mildly annoyed about this in that situation if it was me - I'd want PIL to have mentioned that they needed to make a plan. Especially if it's PFB. However, even with all the updates, it's not clear to me exactly why you're still so angry a week later.

In light of the mild attempt to keep you from knowing what's going on, I'd say the fact that you loathe SIL is not in the slightest bit a secret, much as you believe that you've kept your opinions to yourself. Also, much as you don't like her, you clearly don't really believe she'll do your DC any harm as otherwise you would have cancelled your day at work. No parent would knowingly leave their child with someone who they thought might harm that child. So you may dislike her, and think she's a a pretty average childminder, but you clearly don't think she's a nightmare.