To feel that if you don’t work 9-5 and have no family to help you’re screwed for childcare once your DC start school.

[legoonthetable]

Most people accept that they take a huge financial hit in terms of childcare costs in the pre school years, but do so knowing that they keep their place in the career ladder and once DC are at school the child care would go down. I naively never considered that this wouldn’t be the case for us and am just feeling totally screwed by my lack of choices, despite a good well paid job. And I know I’m far from alone. I work shifts which include 8am starts, midnight finishes and nights. There is no flexibility with start times and I rarely leave on time. DH works 14 + hr days leaving at 7 and rarely home before 7 + logging on again form home. His company is not family friendly and atm moving jobs isn't an option. He has to be at his desk by 8am. School wrap around care is from 7.30am-6pm. Its simply not possible to drop DC at breakfast club and be at work by 8 and we often have an hour at the other end that we also often can’t cover. We had the same nanny for 6 years and agreed to keep her on once youngest DC started school mostly for continuity. She agreed to do a tiny amount of general housekeeping in the 6 hours a day she was child free. She refused to clean, which I didn’t think was unreasonable; she’s a nanny, not a cleaner. Without going into details it pretty quickly became clear that whilst she was absolutely brilliant for our pre school DC doing the school run and holiday childcare for older children wasn’t her thing. We made her redundant and we’ve been struggling along abusing using friends, neighbours, and random paid help(no family close enough to help regularly)since. I have a friend in a similar position (totally different field of work). She employs a nanny-housekeeper. And whilst she loves coming home to a tidy house and a cooked meal, she doesn’t think her employee is that great with her DC. And I’ve heard many others say you either have someone who keeps the house going or someone who is brilliant with DC but its rare to get one person who is brilliant at both. My choices now are either to employ a nanny- housekeeper and accept that most of my salary will essentially go towards paying someone to do very little for 6 hours a day while I work my bollocks off for the next 13 years or give up work…….because if the financial gain is minimal (despite doing a fulfilling job that I mostly enjoy)there really seems no point. I’m not expecting anyone to come up with some magical solution…..I think we’ve been through every possible option, I’d just like some solidarity with people in the same position.Tonight I'm really angry about it.

Long way of saying don’t give up hope & changing careers doesn’t mean your education & past roles were a waste.

Op I know what you mean. But the simple truth is we can’t have it all. This lie, I would suggest, is responsible for large amounts of mental health issues, marriage breakdowns and many other social problems. The needs of a child shine alight on this issue. Once you have a child, you kind of have to look at the needs of that child and work backwards to structures your lives to best meet those. Can your DH look for a lower paid/lower ranking/ lower hours job? Have you got transferable skills to go into a related field? Is there the option to move closer to support? It might mean moving to a smaller house etc. I think sometimes we are stuck in a rut. We can’t do anything but tinker round the edges of our current lives. Sometime you need to go right back to the drawing board. It might not seem fair but once you have kids, this is now the focus. Too often we are told it’s all about your happiness, fulfilment when once you have kids, it really isn’t. We can’t have it all, we have to decide which bits of this perfect life we are sold we actually want/need/can achieve.

NataliaOsipova
If economics reigns supreme in the end then employers really should be taking in to account that they are losing good people because of parenthood. They should be taking into account that employees have children.

There is more to employing people than squeezing work out of them. Smart employers offer flexibility and a family friendly environment because studies have shown that productivity rises when the other elements of employees' lives are acknowledged in a concrete way.

No one can have it all that’s just the reality of life. You can’t both keep your jobs, not have expensive childcare and have kids. You either have all three or drop one. You do have a choice you just don’t like what it is.

On the plus side at least this is a choice for you. There are others who want one of the three but can’t have it at all. Still very hard for you but hopefully puts things in perspective.

YANBU.

But I agree that it’s hard for both parents to have full on careers. One has to slide a little.

Some childminders do wrap around care. My friend works hours like your husband and another friend takes her child from 0700 to 1830 for for four days.

I think it is do- able if you can find the help. But the kids will want you (or dad) as they get older and that’s the problem.

My mum worked and had a lady that did the cleaning and was there when we got home but I didn’t particularly like her and would come in and head out with friends

I am a lawyer and wish to god I had trained as a teacher

No-one is taught at school "you can be anything you want until you have children and then you have to decide whether you are happy to farm them out to someone else to bring up or end your career"

No they're not and it is a sad reality. I picked my career in part because I knew it would make childcare easier (I picked it just out of uni, long before I had kids) because I knew even then that this is the reality. Try and track down a child minder. I know you say a 6:45 start isn't fair for the kids, but really, neither is not knowing where they're going from one day to the next. And as they get older they may well pick up on the fact they're being foisted off on people and are an inconvenience.

Ask around, find a childminder with an early start (your council may have a list or website with them and their hours). For only three days a week I'm sure the kids will be able to handle it and at least they'll get a routine going.

Just because you’ve had one bad experience with an au pair is no reason to completely knock the idea on its head. I kmowmof two families who use au pairs and whilst some are better than others none have been a disaster, some have been brilliant, and all have allowed these parents to do their jobs.

If you’ve 25 years work experience I’m sorry, but you’ve surely got enough life experience to have known that your niche jobs were not going to work alongside child rearing without some compromise. To blame your school for not teaching you something when you’re in your 40s is ridiculous.

Retrain.

I did (16 professional exams at night and whilst on maternity leave). 5 years of slog, but now I work school hours, most holidays off, earn £100k. —that makes me sound like a twat, but it’s the truth—

Also a — fail

What do you do ok? Accounts?

I agree, it is rubbish and I don't feel we have made much progress since my Mum's generation where the emphasis was on 'family friendly' jobs for women. She was lucky and worked as a teacher in a private school that let her leave when school finished. Thirty years on and have a 'family friendly' job, I am on the same income pro rata as in 2007!

I’m a Chartered IFA. Only deal with pensions and investments. In fairness my background in business development gave me an advantage in getting new clients, plus I was lucky my DH could support my studies, but I worked too in order to get experience in a completely new industry.

I had never worked in financial services before, but knew it had many advantages.

We need more women!

Parenting and domestics are as much fathers’ responsibilities as mothers’.

This is not about “how the world is” it’s about your relationship and what kind of father your H is.

If your H is unwilling to make changes in his working life to do his fair share and you accept that, to your personal financial detriment (potentially long term) and the family’s detriment, that decision is down to you and your H. You have alternatives.

You seem to have some negative attitudes about childcare - “farming out” , “someone else bringing them up” etc.

And you are rejecting the most obvious option of an au pair.

You seem to be playing the “yes, but” game.

Well, this is why we have the gender pay gap. Few posters here seem to place much value on the OPs career development or what she brings to the job. It's no surprise we don't have as many top female surgeons, CEOs, judges, civil servants, professors, police chiefs etc if women are given the advice that if you're a mother and have a job with awkward hours you just need to 'find a new job.'
OP remember it's only three days a week and work your damnedest to find appropriate (expensive, high quality) childcare mostly funded by your husband's 70 hour a week career. Good luck!

Didn’t realise there was so many exams for that “ok”, doh. Well
done you!

The issue here seems to be your DH.

I bet he's not thinking of throwing away a 25yr career, nor will he be the one thinking of options for childcare etc.

If you work 3 days per week he should be picking up the slack, particularly for your evening shift.

You need to work as a team here. At present it seems very one sided.

The families that I know where both parents don't have a 9 to 5 job have au pairs and it works very well for them. They don't get really young au pairs though- they are always over 22. The au pair will take them to and from school and cook them tea before your DH gets home at 7 or 7.30. If you both really need to be late than that you can pay extra for babysitting. They employ a cleaner separately rather than expecting the au pair to do it. This seems to work well and my children have were always jealous and wanted an au pair too!

I think the working as a team comment is true plus it shouldnt be all your problem iykwim.
Night shift 4 to midnight your dh could cover the 7 pm to midnight the 3 daysca week he cannot be stuck to the laptop. Ie he can do the home work and have a laugh/ pm with the kids. Bet he and they would love it. This He has to do to support your role and involve himself more.
The mornings are easier to find someone . Put it out there at the school gate. I bet some of your kids friends mums would love extra money !! After school club for after school iykwim !! Your dh has to be home to collect the kids from after school the pms u work end of. Fgs this is the help he needs to do. You both need to give a bit to each other and the kids !! Home every pm would be fab. We are going to use late teens girls who live on our rd next summer. Holidays my husband takes time off in midterm etc etc . The pms are the killer here and your husband needs to help
We have no family close but manage with creche tg. I always s ay when i am a granny i will do so much for my kids !!!!

Why are 'family friendly jobs for women' going backwards? Surely we ALL - as parents - want family friendly jobs.

Why is being away from your children all the time 'having it all"??

Both men and women in the uK work too hard, too many hours - our children are not little for long.

You need to work as a team here. At present it seems very one sided.

I agree. I bet OP's DH isn't thinking about what he can do to juggle his career with children. It is just assumed by him (and OP it seems) that it is her problem.

“ I bet some of your kids friends mums would love extra money !!”

Doubt many want to go through hoops to set up as an early morning childminder, or be an illegal childminder. If neither you or H can do mornings some days then nanny or au pair are the only options.

If economics reigns supreme in the end then employers really should be taking in to account that they are losing good people because of parenthood.

I agree with this - and, when it starts to affect the bottom line, things will change. But I think this will only happen when it stops being a niche women’s issue. It may do soon - just as many women now entering high earning professions, so family economics may well mean that it’s the man who steps back/leaves/goes part time. And companies can’t then write off a whole section of the workforce.

But people still won’t pay you to do a job and have you elsewhere looking after kids when you’re supposed to be going it. And technology - ironically - can make the part time approach harder/less attractive as people expect to be able to get hold of you 24/7 and not just within set hours.

my childminder starts from 7 if necessary, and goes until 7 at night. her teenager daughters do babysitting until 10 as well (12 on non- school nights). it took a while to find her, but it works now!

You both need to change jobs, look for ones that suit your family unit better.