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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel that if you don’t work 9-5 and have no family to help you’re screwed for childcare once your DC start school.

219 replies

legoonthetable · 12/12/2018 20:41

Most people accept that they take a huge financial hit in terms of childcare costs in the pre school years, but do so knowing that they keep their place in the career ladder and once DC are at school the child care would go down. I naively never considered that this wouldn’t be the case for us and am just feeling totally screwed by my lack of choices, despite a good well paid job. And I know I’m far from alone. I work shifts which include 8am starts, midnight finishes and nights. There is no flexibility with start times and I rarely leave on time. DH works 14 + hr days leaving at 7 and rarely home before 7 + logging on again form home. His company is not family friendly and atm moving jobs isn't an option. He has to be at his desk by 8am. School wrap around care is from 7.30am-6pm. Its simply not possible to drop DC at breakfast club and be at work by 8 and we often have an hour at the other end that we also often can’t cover. We had the same nanny for 6 years and agreed to keep her on once youngest DC started school mostly for continuity. She agreed to do a tiny amount of general housekeeping in the 6 hours a day she was child free. She refused to clean, which I didn’t think was unreasonable; she’s a nanny, not a cleaner. Without going into details it pretty quickly became clear that whilst she was absolutely brilliant for our pre school DC doing the school run and holiday childcare for older children wasn’t her thing. We made her redundant and we’ve been struggling along abusing using friends, neighbours, and random paid help(no family close enough to help regularly)since. I have a friend in a similar position (totally different field of work). She employs a nanny-housekeeper. And whilst she loves coming home to a tidy house and a cooked meal, she doesn’t think her employee is that great with her DC. And I’ve heard many others say you either have someone who keeps the house going or someone who is brilliant with DC but its rare to get one person who is brilliant at both. My choices now are either to employ a nanny- housekeeper and accept that most of my salary will essentially go towards paying someone to do very little for 6 hours a day while I work my bollocks off for the next 13 years or give up work…….because if the financial gain is minimal (despite doing a fulfilling job that I mostly enjoy)there really seems no point. I’m not expecting anyone to come up with some magical solution…..I think we’ve been through every possible option, I’d just like some solidarity with people in the same position.Tonight I'm really angry about it.

OP posts:
Doilooklikeatourist · 12/12/2018 21:22

Well this is why I never went back to work when we had small children
And am now screwed with not being able to retire as I was never able to pay into a pension plan

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 12/12/2018 21:24

It is hard OP. I have family who work different shifts different weeks and it is so hard with childcare when you need different help on different days and different times.

There have been lots of people suggesting an au pair if you have the space or could make the space? Also a nanny share sounds like a good idea. I'd let the house stuff slide to be honest and focus on the childcare and pay for a cleaner if you have to (though would expect the nanny to tidy away kids stuff and feed them). Or see if there are any other parents in the same boat near you and do reciprocal child care.

I know people who have changed career and worked in schools when their kids were young then switched back when they were older.

None of these solutions are ideal though. Someone should open a nursery for non standard hours - there would definitely be demand!

namechangedtoday15 · 12/12/2018 21:26

If you do 8am to midnight shifts then you're presumably not doing every school day? That's a 16 hour shift so maybe you do 2 or 3 a week?

I agree that you or your husband need to change jobs to do fewer hours and / or a more flexible work pattern, or closer to home. My husband moved jobs when we got to school age so he was 20 mins away and could do drop off in a morning. I worked fewer hours (so I could do pick up) and looked for another job - eventually getting one closer to home.

Has either of you formally applied for flexible working?

We have used a combination of an ex-nursery nurse as an after school Nanny, after school club (up to 6.30) and then another elderly lady who picks up for us. People like that do exist, it's just a question of finding them. Childcare agencies can often help.

It's not as black and white as work v can't work. You need to be flexible rather being so rigid as to imply it's your current job or no job at all.

Wonkypalmtree · 12/12/2018 21:26

Just change jobs?

Itwasntme101 · 12/12/2018 21:27

If you can afford it what about a private school, there is one near us that does wrap around care. They also do boarding options so termly, weekly or occasional so if you both had early starts then they could stay the night before. They have to be in year 3 before they can do overnights though.

Bythebeach · 12/12/2018 21:28

Au pair? We had a lovely nanny for a few years but now with all 3 at school, au pair is more cost effective. Wraps around school, no issue with adjusting hours to suit my shifts. Still have a cleaner as otherwise too much for au pair but much much cheaper than full time nanny.

mathanxiety · 12/12/2018 21:29

Get an au pair.

Get a weekly or bi-weekly cleaner.

I agree it is hard to find someone good at both.

Wrt meals - get a freezer and stock it. Use a meal service. Try batch cooking at weekends.

TooStressyForMyOwnGood · 12/12/2018 21:31

YANBU. There are no nurseries or childminders around here who would do very unsocial hours or weekends. We have no family around. I now work very part time in a pretty much office hours job which I am very lucky to have but am trapped in. Even then school holiday childcare is tricky. I know very few shift workers who don’t have family help.

museumum · 12/12/2018 21:35

The problem isn’t your job it’s that your dh is working 70+ hours a week!!!

Maryann1975 · 12/12/2018 21:36

You are right, in my town there would be no childcare available for the hours you seem to require. The nurseries are 7.30-6, except one who opens at 7. After school club is 7.30-6. I’m a childminder and at the moment I do 8-5 and I try not to take anything on outside of the hours (I’d do 7.45- 5.30 at a push, but not longer). I’m full, so I don’t need to worry about these hours loosing me business.
I was a nanny and had a before and after school position, but it was more a fill in until I found something else. They didn’t want to pay a decent rate of pay and I couldn’t find anything to fit in the day hours, so found a better paid, full day position. So my advice is to up the amount you are willing to pay until you find someone. I understand it is a hard job to fill though. Could you look at a nanny share with your friend. Although you wouldn’t have the full benefits of a nanny (as you’d be sharing her), if you and your friend both paid well, she might be able to make a good wage and this would encourage her to stay?

mathanxiety · 12/12/2018 21:45

OP, I don't think you are being unreasonable to expect to be able to keep your job, for your H to keep his, and for childcare options to reflect the reality of people's working lives.

A nanny share is only ok until school holidays come round unless the OP has cast iron arrangements for some activities that would last all day plus transport organised.

Notmytelescope · 12/12/2018 21:47

If you are expecting a nanny to cover from 7am to midnight, then perhaps if is fair enough to let them have 6 hours off in the middle of the day 7-9 & 3 to 8 is a 7 hour day. With occasional baby sitting to midnight that counts as a full time job? They are just working split shifts. For those kind of hours most kids would rather be in their own home too.

You are a bit right though childcare in general completely sucks in this country.

redandwhite1 · 12/12/2018 21:52

I have an after school club who collects him from school, feeds him and we get him about 5.45

Dixiechickonhols · 12/12/2018 21:58

Flexiboarding is probably the answer if you both want to work those hours. A girl at dds school went. He mum was a single parent and worked abroad a lot. Girl was left with elderly grandparents who couldn’t speak English or drive her to activities or a mish mash of carers. Was much better for her to be able to do homework at school and activities and come home at weekends if her mum was there or stay at school if not.
Or look for a before and after school carer, maybe 2 different people. Collecting from school and caring until dh comes home so say 3-7pm may suit lots of people, I know a family friend who did that, lady who had been sahm and was looking for a job once kids left home.

Sleepinghooty · 12/12/2018 21:59

It’s really hard once dc are at school! We used breakfast club at school (drop off 715) and an after school nanny who would stay until 7pm most days and later one day/ week. But I always felt we were lurching from one crisis (illness/ holiday etc) to the next. So I went self employed to relieve the pressure. Childcare doesn’t reflect modern working hours at all!

phlebasconsidered · 12/12/2018 22:03

You don't say whether you are urban or rural. Very many people in the rural area I live in work those hours. Shiftwork childminders are available. It often means a very early start for the child or a sleepover but it's quite common. Agriculture means shifts. It has a knock on effect in that some children in my class have been up since 5.30 to get to the childminders by 6 but it's a given now. Lots of local childminders offer earlies and lates.

Possibly more of a rural than urban thing.

waterrat · 12/12/2018 22:03

On one level I agree with you op = it is hard finding good flexi wrap around care. an au pair is surely the answer

BUT I think your family work balance sounds terrible - what is the point`/?

why not change your life so both of you have more time with your kids when they are young

8 til midnight?????

helacells · 12/12/2018 22:04

3 options
Pack your job in and become a SAHM
Change jobs to one with fewer or normal hours
Hire a live in nanny

90mammasophie · 12/12/2018 22:07

Yep. I agree with you OP. It's very difficult with no / little help

EssentialHummus · 12/12/2018 22:10

How old are DC?
How much does your household earn (how much money can you chuck at this problem)?
Is your DH genuinely not flexible at all in his hours? Even to the extent of doing a school drop off one day a week or similar?

adaline · 12/12/2018 22:11

I love how everyone is suggesting they just get different jobs like it's that simple!

Your lifestyle is often tied up in your earnings so it's not as simple as dropping hours or taking a lower paid position - the mortgage and bills still need paying even if one of them changes jobs. Then a drop in earnings would still require substantial childcare so it might not be financially viable - it isn't for a lot of people.

And not all areas have a plethora of school hour/family friendly jobs with access to decent, affordable childcare either. Plus if you live rurally you're bound to have a commute on top which makes things even harder.

Fresta · 12/12/2018 22:14

I feel sorry for children! It sounds like the rarely see their father and see you erratically, being passed round friends and family and lacking routine. It sounds like you are working to maintain a certain level of income/lifestyle when really you could mange on less and have a better family life. I'd change jobs, get your Dh to change jobs, or work less hours.

PotteringAlong · 12/12/2018 22:15

Boarding school.

Loopytiles · 12/12/2018 22:15

Your H’s job is a problem.

Jamiefraserskilt · 12/12/2018 22:19

I agree. Then they reach an age where they are too old for holiday club but too young to be left alone. It is hard to juggle and employers do not always understand what time care can start and end.