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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is BU? My (bereved) husband wanting to go to the pub Xmas day

314 replies

Zara85 · 12/12/2018 15:39

I am fully aware that I may be the one who is unreasonable here. But I need opinions.
Dh lost his mum earlier this year in very sad circumstances. They were very close.
We spoke about xmas a while ago and he agreed he wanted us to host to change things up a bit.
He doesn't have any family left really so it'll be just my family (who he is very close to).
We have 2 young dc who still nap at lunchtime so we have said we will do Xmas lunch at 1pm, meaning the dc can eat with us and then go to bed.
Last night dh announced he will be going to the pub at 12pm Xmas day to raise a glass to his mum with his friends. He will be back for 1pm to eat.
To be honest I'm really cross! It's going to be a hectic hour for me, hosting / cooking / looking after our 2dc. I have told him so and asked if he could not go to the pub Xmas eve instead but he has said no. He thinks I'm being really selfish as I am seeing my family all day.
I think he's being selfish but then I can't imagine how he must be feeling!
AIBU?

OP posts:

Badcat666 · 12/12/2018 17:55

Like others have said, do all the prep the evening before and he can help and if your family are there on the day, get them to bloody well help or watch the kids.

He has lost the last close family member he had and wants to just slip away for an hour from the mayhem to raise a glass to his mum and you are throwing a hissy fit?? FFS! Get a grip.

When you lose a parent you are close to you don't want to be surrounded by other peoples relatives on Christmas day, especially as everyone else will be treating it as "another Christmas lunch" whereas to him its the first Christmas without his beloved mum.

Stop trying to impress your family with the perfect Christmas lunch and perhaps concentrate on your husbands emotional wellbeing who will be going through a huge upheaval this whole month.

Show some bloody compassion. (I've lost both parents, grand parents and my older sister so I have an idea what he is going through)

frami · 12/12/2018 17:55

Why not have a brunch? Goodies laid out on table, let people pick and choose and have dinner later or in the evening? My son is in the emergency services and that's how we accommodate his shifts.

Is the drink on Christmas Day possibly a long lost family tradition that he is resuerrecting to help remember his family and somehow help the grieving process? I can remember my Dad and his Dad always going for a drink for an hour or so on Christmas Day. Or maybe he just needs to get away for an hour or so?. I always walk the dog (alone) around that time on Christmas Day (DH always cooks the Christmas meal). I find it very theraputic, I love Christmas but still need to escape a bit and I'm not dealing with a bereavement.

toolazytothinkofausername · 12/12/2018 17:58

@rinabean your post is heartless.

Buttercupsandaisies · 12/12/2018 17:58

I'd move lunch but then pre 3pm seems ridiculously early for Xmas lunch esp with kids. Surely a later lunch allows for more leisurely present opening which is way more relaxing. We don't even start lunch prep til noon!

Also most pubs are generally only open 12-2pm so time wise that's likely fixed

Jengnr · 12/12/2018 18:03

@Ooohayyye How so?

Flowerpot2005 · 12/12/2018 18:04

I can see both sides.

Your DH is grieving & the first Christmas is hard. I know he said he wanted to have a change but no way could he have predicted how he'd be feeling now.

For me, let him deal with what he needs to, in his own way this year. As long as it doesn't ruin it for anyone else, I'd say he needs the space. You chill with your family or join them, maybe also make dinner a bit more flexible, time wise, this year.

OliviaStabler · 12/12/2018 18:05

Have a huge breakfast / brunch and then have a late Christmas lunch. That way if he spends 2 hours in the pub and stumbles home a tad tipsy, he has time to sober up before your late Christmas meal.

Deadringer · 12/12/2018 18:05

I think he is being unreasonable. I have just lost my brother (unexpectedly) and my mother is dying in hospital. I am not pissing off to the pub on Xmas day to raise a glass though, because i have children to think about. Change things around if you can make it work, but I think he is being selfish.

masterandmargarita · 12/12/2018 18:08

His mum may have died but he has a family of his own now. They should come first. Yanbu

SoupDragon · 12/12/2018 18:10

Fucking hell, some people really do have no empathy.

aconcertpianist · 12/12/2018 18:11

His mother dying is a , "pathetic excuse" and "is not special circumstances"

What absolutely shocking comments made, I can only presume, by bitter, resentful, small minded people who may be suffering, to take a charitable view, with some kind of personality disorder.

OP. If you really cannot do without your husband for one hour, in these exceptional circumstances and with your family around you, then it might be better if you just tell your family not to come and have a quieter day with just the four of you.

Please show a little compassion to someone you love and who has suffered the death of his mother. Be kind.

Menarefrommarsitwouldseem · 12/12/2018 18:18

Some of the replies on here

He's wanting to go to the pub for an hour. He's not abandoning everyone for the entire Christmas period.
It must be really difficult for him and it will most likely sting a little seeing all of your family there

I would move dinner back and ask him to help prep before he goes

So when the dc go for a nap you can chill with a drink too.

Athena51 · 12/12/2018 18:23

His mum may have died but he has a family of his own now. They should come first. Yanbu

Fucking hell. Yes we should all just sack off the people who raised us as they are clearly irrelevant now. Christ on a bike.

Menarefrommarsitwouldseem · 12/12/2018 18:23

Just read some more replies

" grief can make people behave badly"

" let him go in this instance"

Fucking hell

Bet Christmas is a joyous experience in those houses!
I'm entirely with your DH on this OP and if the roles were reversed and you wanted to go to the pub for an hour to escape all the loveliness of his family after you'd suffered a bereavement I would be entirely with you too.

MN at times is baffling

LoubyLou1234 · 12/12/2018 18:24

Wow some of the people on here have a twisted view of empathy!

Grief affects everyone differently!! Everyone reacts differently and sometimes it hits you randomly. He may just be realising it's going to be very hard on Christmas Day and an hours breathing space/raising a glass may just keep him sane and sociable on the day. When what he probably wants to do is hide away. But he can't and is more than aware he has a family/in-laws and doesn't want to spoil their day.

OliviaBenson · 12/12/2018 18:26

I can understand both sides. It's the fact he's told you this is what he's doing, rather than having an adult conversation about finding it hard and sitting down working out a way to make it work together. That's what I'd be upset about.

Menarefrommarsitwouldseem · 12/12/2018 18:26

"Fucking repulsive" to go to the pub 😂😂😂
Have a day off some of you.

Loopytiles · 12/12/2018 18:28

Will the DC actually go to sleep on Xmas day?

failingatlife · 12/12/2018 18:28

Can't he go to the pub after dinner when the DC are asleep?

masterandmargarita · 12/12/2018 18:29

I stayed with my kids when it happened to me.

formerbabe · 12/12/2018 18:30

It's an hour in the pub...no big deal. Get him to do some prep before he goes and eat a little later after your DC have napped.

Whisky2014 · 12/12/2018 18:31

Id be annoyed
I doubt it will be one hour and i doubt his mates are interested in raising a glass for her. Is it actually a pre arranged piss up cause thats what it sounds like to me

JudasPrudy · 12/12/2018 18:33

Yeah fine as long as he takes the kids.

blackteasplease · 12/12/2018 18:34

I think 60 minutes at the pub is fine in these specific circumstances (although I do struggle to see the link between his mum's death and raising a glass in the pub rather than at home) but it's the wrong 60 mins if you eat at 1.

So either you move dinner til after the nap and your dh still goes to the pub at 12 or you still eat at 1 and he goes to the pub after lunch. Neither of those should be a problem. It doesn't have to be the 60 min immediately prior to lunch .

blackteasplease · 12/12/2018 18:34

Or is it a pub he can take the kids to?

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