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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want strangers staying over in my house

254 replies

hoopyloopy2 · 12/12/2018 09:05

DH has invited his old friend & his new partner over to ours between Christmas & New Year. New partner’s teenager is coming too, who we haven’t met. All good with me so far. But DH wants them to stay the night. We don’t have a spare bedroom so this will involve sofa bed + moving one of my 2 dcs out of their rooms. The old friend lives 40 minutes away, so I don’t see why we can’t have a nice time for a few hours without the staying over part. I know it means a lot to DH to spend quality time with his friend. But I don’t want people I don’t know staying in my house and the awkwardness of shuffling people around. I’m not someone who never has anyone to stay, we have family and occasional very close friends overnight a few times a year. But this feels different and I think in our mid 40s we are past that stage of people bunking in together after a boozy night....but DH thinks I am being anti-social & uptight. AIBU?

OP posts:

Roussette · 13/12/2018 12:07

When I've had friends to stay, I even enjoy the next morning! I may sit their in my dressing gown, heating croissants or toasting bread, and we chat away and carry on catching up, until I say 'off you go then, I've got things to do'.

Roussette · 13/12/2018 12:08

*there, not their

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 13/12/2018 12:15

I guess it depends on your comfort level. I definitely wouldn't consider my husband's friend and his wife and child strangers. catching up over a full night is nice - you don't have to end the evening at a set time when the cab turns up and can carry on over breakfast. That said some people aren't comfortable with guests in their home. If I felt like that I'd just offer to stay sober and drive them all back whatever time of day or night everyone finished.

Butteredghost · 13/12/2018 12:17

Trinity66 yes bit that's what I'm saying, I wouldn't enjoy the night in that case.

In this case OP hasn't said the family is short of cash, or they live somewhere there is no taxis, or anything like that. So while that may be the case, it's not unreasonable to suggest a taxi is an option.

SD1978 · 13/12/2018 12:20

Your DH should have discussed it with you first, absolutely. However I do think you're also being unreasonable regarding not wanting to do it. You say your children- are they your husbands? He wants to have some friends over. The 15 year old probably won't have the most exciting night they've ever had, but that's part of being a kid. How old are your kids? You've never said. They couldn't have a drink and then drive 40 minutes, also wouldn't be able to stay particularly late. It doesn't sound like your objections has any real validity- juts maybe admit to yourself and him you're not keen?

Trinity66 · 13/12/2018 12:24

Trinity66 yes bit that's what I'm saying, I wouldn't enjoy the night in that case.

You wouldn't enjoy the night thinking about the morning really? Alright I guess, seems a bit melodramatic to me but OK

You don't have to be short of cash to think that a cab 40 minutes in each direction is going to cost a whole lot of money.

Donnnerbox · 13/12/2018 12:25

Make an effort and chill out. It will do you good.

Butteredghost · 13/12/2018 12:31

Trinity66 yes exactly, for me (and a lot of people) it's quality over quantity. Even if I'm enjoying something, I like to know how long I'll have to enjoy it for

Maybe I'm just bitter since a sleepover-obsessed ex bf invited so many people to stay over on new years eve, there wasn't room for me and I had to leave.

Trinity66 · 13/12/2018 12:37

Maybe I'm just bitter since a sleepover-obsessed ex bf invited so many people to stay over on new years eve, there wasn't room for me and I had to leave.

PTSD?

Donnnerbox · 13/12/2018 14:10

We do Airbnb and have total strangers in the house all the time. You have to have a talk with yourself, telling yourself to chill out and see meeting new people as a positive.

SlightlyCoddled · 13/12/2018 14:23

I am with you op. 40 mins is a short enough journey for them to get home the same night. Besides which, the likelihood is that your dh and his friend will be chummying up and you will probably be left to entertain the new partner and teen. Given that you don't know them, being together for a whole day is plenty long enough to spend with someone who you are meeting for the first time.

If your dh wants to go off on a bender with his mate, then he can arrange to do that without involving other halves. If he is keen for you to get to know the new partner and teen, then fair enough, but you should have at least as much say in the arrangements as he does.

Besides which, I doubt the teen will enjoy having to camp in a strange house with adults and dc they don't know!

abacucat · 13/12/2018 14:29

40 minutes journey means one driving and not drinking any alcohol at all. Or if they don't drive, leaving early enough to get the bus home - probably just after 10pm.

Roussette · 13/12/2018 15:59

I do laugh when posters talk about getting the bus home. Or an Uber. Or ordering a takeaway to be delivered. A lot of people don't live where they can get any of those things... we get two buses a day, one in the morning and one in the afternoon.

Roussette · 13/12/2018 16:01

And maybe because of that, I have a different mentality.. if someone wants to stay because they fancy a drink, or its a 45 minute drive... they are very welcome. They have to fit in with us but I'm more than happy to do that.

Dieu · 13/12/2018 16:05

It's a one-off, for presumably one night only. And of course a 40 minute journey home, following a night out, is inconvenient.

So much oddness on this thread.

AlexaAmbidextra · 13/12/2018 17:08

We do Airbnb and have total strangers in the house all the time. You have to have a talk with yourself, telling yourself to chill out and see meeting new people as a positive.

Well no, OP doesn’t have to tell herself to chill out etc. Presumably you chose to do Airbnb and are being paid for it?

DarlingNikita · 13/12/2018 17:15

DonkeyHotei, I don't think you're weird and you're probably not a minority view. When I was a kid Christmas etc was often as you describe, with any number of people kipping on lumpy sofa beds/mattresses/lilos etc. I don't remember any preciousness about people giving up their beds, and if I'd tried as a child to say no one could have my bed, I'd have been sharply disabused of the idea.

CoughLaughFart · 13/12/2018 17:21

I am with you op. 40 mins is a short enough journey for them to get home the same night.

I’ve seen several posters on the thread saying this - but they’re all missing the point. No one needs to justify whether the guests ‘need’ to stay over. Yes, if they’d asked to stay over and the OP wasn’t happy, it would be relevant, as she could say ‘I’m sorry, we really don’t have the room’ or similar, knowing it would be possible (if not 100% convenient) for them to get home. But that isn’t what’s happening. What’s happening is that the OP’s husband has invited these people. Whether he should have asked the OP first is the real issue - not whether it’s necessary for them to stay.

kenandbarbie · 13/12/2018 17:23

I would be ok with this, but he should have discussed it with you first!

ButteryParsnips · 13/12/2018 17:41

he got to make this grand generous gesture while expecting wifey to do the actual work

I would bet that the phrase 'it's no trouble' has been uttered by OP's husband, and that the above scenario applies.

OP, tell him you agree but on condition:

Noone else gives up their bed. It's a sofa and air bed in the lounge job for your guests.
He organises the bedding for them and gets stuff in for breakfast. (You may need to strategically go to bed first to avoid being stuck with this when he 'doesn't know where the bedding is')

delboysskinandblister · 13/12/2018 18:04

OP YANBU Christmas is for your children.

DH can see his mates at New Year. His kids deserve Christmas they've been good for their Elf and Santa all year and for what? 3 unwise men to rock up tired and emotional and in their space.

Turquoise123 · 13/12/2018 18:10

Sounds weird and no fun to me and I agree with you - can't see why they would want to do this ?

But also sounds like your husband has lumbered you with it....

FenellasRedVelvetDress · 13/12/2018 18:13

I haven’t read the full thread......but what I wouldn’t like is having to move my child out of their bedroom to provide a bed for an unknown teenager. I know my child wouldn’t be happy at giving up their room and bed for an unknown person who their dad wants to see!
It’s a 40 minute drive - is it really imperative that everybody drinks?
If DH and I go out we take turns. In this case I would let him drink so he could have a good time with his old chum but I would stay sober to take us all home. Can people really not have a good time without drinking? Just occasionally?

jessstan2 · 13/12/2018 18:13

I thought I replied to this yesterday but can't look through 9 pages. Apologies for that.

I would not be all that happy about it but if it's only one night, would do it. It's a kind thing to do and won't hurt as a one off. Something they will remember fondly.

di2004 · 13/12/2018 18:17

I’m with you on this OP.
Plus I can’t understand why a teenager would want to squash in too.. surely they like their own space plus it means your own DC have to move.

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