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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want strangers staying over in my house

254 replies

hoopyloopy2 · 12/12/2018 09:05

DH has invited his old friend & his new partner over to ours between Christmas & New Year. New partner’s teenager is coming too, who we haven’t met. All good with me so far. But DH wants them to stay the night. We don’t have a spare bedroom so this will involve sofa bed + moving one of my 2 dcs out of their rooms. The old friend lives 40 minutes away, so I don’t see why we can’t have a nice time for a few hours without the staying over part. I know it means a lot to DH to spend quality time with his friend. But I don’t want people I don’t know staying in my house and the awkwardness of shuffling people around. I’m not someone who never has anyone to stay, we have family and occasional very close friends overnight a few times a year. But this feels different and I think in our mid 40s we are past that stage of people bunking in together after a boozy night....but DH thinks I am being anti-social & uptight. AIBU?

OP posts:
LL83 · 12/12/2018 09:34

I would suck it up if they lived really far away but seems quite an inconvinience when they stay fairly near.

MsMightyTitanAndHerTroubadours · 12/12/2018 09:35

i'd give dh a telling off for not checking in about an overnight stay first tbh, but in this situation I'd grin and bear it
Depending on the house set up it might be easier to bunk your children in together and let the visitors squeeze in the one room, or it might be better to shut them in the sitting room with an air bed and a couple of sleeping bags

Either way, I'd make it very clear that tbh they'd probably better off to come have a lovely day and go bugger off home to their own beds

Shoxfordian · 12/12/2018 09:36

I wouldn't have a problem with it, you sound quite uptight. Relax and have a drink yourself

BarbedBloom · 12/12/2018 09:37

I would be okay with them staying but wouldn’t be moving my DC around to accommodate and I wouldn’t let any guest sleep in mine and DH’s bed. Just offer them the living room or sofa bed. If you don’t get on with them then you have made the effort and can say you aren’t comfortable with them staying again

queenofgoogle · 12/12/2018 09:37

I would hate it too. I find it majorly awkward, I like my space and usually I'll th the one expected to so all the washing and malign food when someone's over.

Enb76 · 12/12/2018 09:37

When I'm having fun with old friends we're up to 2am chatting - not drunk or anything but a proper catch-up can take time. When someone has to go home the visit is not the same and not as relaxed. I personally would have no problem with this but would probably give up my room rather than that of the kids if I didn't have a spare.

SnuggyBuggy · 12/12/2018 09:38

It would be one thing if you didn't know them well but had the space or if you knew them well but didn't have the space. When you neither know them well and don't have space it's too much.

Also a 40 minute drive is easily a day trip.

DayManChampionOfTheSun · 12/12/2018 09:41

If your dh wants this to happen make him give up his bed

And the op then shares the bed with them? Weird thinking there...

I wouldn't mind, we have had enough random people staying at our house over the years, one didn't leave for 6 months.

Loyaultemelie · 12/12/2018 09:42

I wouldn't do this. I don't like people staying and I wouldn't move my dc (eldest has SN and youngest not an option). 40 mins is taxi home or designated driver

princesstiasmum · 12/12/2018 09:42

I am with you op, i dont like anyone staying over, unless close relations,
Maybe its me, but i dont like the disruption,

Alfie190 · 12/12/2018 09:44

Not knowing then wouldn't bother me. But it seems really unnecessary when they are 40 minutes away. I can't believe they wouldn't rather go home.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 12/12/2018 09:46

I'm not sure 40 minutes is that convenient; really. It means it's too far to walk; so someone has to stay sober and drive.

Catch ups with old friends are usually lengthy things; I've found, a few glasses of wine or a couple of beers and chat that lasts until the early hours. That would be quite stunted.

Regardless, if you won't allow them to stay; DH needs to tell them ASAP and see if they still want to come. They may feel rather "demoted" and unwelcome now; and rather not, even before you consider the extra costs of a taxi or a hotel at quite a busy time of the year.

I'm with you on not liking random people sleeping over; if I'm honest, but I'd suck this up because it's DH's friend and his partner - and generally; I wouldn't want to be limiting my DP's social life because I'm a bit uncomfortable.

Troels · 12/12/2018 09:47

I don't like people staying really. I wouldn't want someone who only lives 40 minutes away, book a taxi in advance, no need to stop over.
I do have my adult sons over (one now lives close so goes home with his partner) One lives a long way and occasionally stays over with his partner. Bestie who lives in another country stayed too, but has known the whole family and extended family for 20 years, even babysat Dd a few times. More like a sister to us all and pitches in with cooking, and dishes etc.

WorraLiberty · 12/12/2018 09:48

As I said I am delighted to have them come to my house and spend all day with us, it’s the staying the night part that I have a problem with.

Why, what's the difference?

If you don't want to sort the sofa bed and move a child out of their room, then let your DH get on with it.

greendale17 · 12/12/2018 09:48

I personally wouldn't either. Not just because you don't really know them, but because you haven't got the room as you say and would be moving your DC around to accomodate them.

^This

richierichardsaunt · 12/12/2018 09:49

I just don't see how it's reasonable to make someone give up their bed (used to happen to me all the time, probably why I don't have anyone to stay).
If he sees he'll have to give up just own bed, he may just get some perspective.

CoughLaughFart · 12/12/2018 09:50

I wouldn’t mind people staying but literally can’t see why they would if they’re not long distance? Most people in London have a 40min or longer commute each day. I regularly travel that to meet friends in town. 40 minutes is nothing.

I’m one of those people. However, I can do that because I live five minutes from the train station, and 15 minutes walk from two Tube lines, and there are buses if either of those are down. The OP might live somewhere not particularly well connected, where the choice is drive (no good if you want a drink, which many people do when catching up with long-term friends) or a cab, which won’t be cheap for a 40-minute ride at Christmas. Perhaps the OP’s husband just wants to relax with his friends without worrying about the last train or what time the cab is booked for.

Chathamhouserules · 12/12/2018 09:53

Wow most of you are so inhospitable! I'm surprised.

littlemisscomper · 12/12/2018 09:54

I feel most sorry for the teen here! It would be bad enough having to get used to your mum's new partner without being dragged to a random 'friends of his' house to spend the night with strangers. I would have hated that even more than being the adult host (though I am with you OP, definitely!)

camaleon · 12/12/2018 09:56

With your husband on this. But we have no problems in this house with people staying overnight in general. Not sure what your problem is.

OneStepMoreFun · 12/12/2018 09:56

It's the season of goodwill OP. It's only for one night.

TatianaLarina · 12/12/2018 09:59

Wow most of you are so inhospitable! I'm surprised

Why? MN is the home of the socially awkward.

That said, if OP had a spare room and they had come far I’d think her U, but in the circumstances I think it’s fair enough.

WorraLiberty · 12/12/2018 10:00

Wow most of you are so inhospitable! I'm surprised.

Sadly I'm not. There are threads like this every Christmas and most of the 'outrage' is focused on snowflake children who might experience the 'horror' of bunking in with their sibling for the night.

SnuggyBuggy · 12/12/2018 10:02

As a teen I really would have hated to be made to sleep on the sofa bed in the living room of some random adults I had nothing to do with

CoughLaughFart · 12/12/2018 10:03

I feel most sorry for the teen here! It would be bad enough having to get used to your mum's new partner without being dragged to a random 'friends of his' house to spend the night with strangers.

Absolutely. How old is the teen? Obviously a 13 year-old is stuck with what his mother decides, whereas a 16 year-old might be able to stay alone for the night. That would at least be one less extra bed to find.