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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want strangers staying over in my house

254 replies

hoopyloopy2 · 12/12/2018 09:05

DH has invited his old friend & his new partner over to ours between Christmas & New Year. New partner’s teenager is coming too, who we haven’t met. All good with me so far. But DH wants them to stay the night. We don’t have a spare bedroom so this will involve sofa bed + moving one of my 2 dcs out of their rooms. The old friend lives 40 minutes away, so I don’t see why we can’t have a nice time for a few hours without the staying over part. I know it means a lot to DH to spend quality time with his friend. But I don’t want people I don’t know staying in my house and the awkwardness of shuffling people around. I’m not someone who never has anyone to stay, we have family and occasional very close friends overnight a few times a year. But this feels different and I think in our mid 40s we are past that stage of people bunking in together after a boozy night....but DH thinks I am being anti-social & uptight. AIBU?

OP posts:
KittensAndChristmasCake · 12/12/2018 14:11

But it's one day! It's not like they're staying for a week or even a weekend.

Oh I don't know, have you read about some of the CFs on here? Grin

greenlightredlight · 12/12/2018 14:13

"isolationist mindset"

I don't agree. After a long week at work and then a Saturday getting ready for visitors I wouldn't appreciate also having to spend my Sunday morning looking after them, not being able to just mooch and relax etc. I think it's quite normal, and a lot of people on this thread seem to agree.

Some people are more relaxed about visitors than others, we're all different. No need for some of the rude comments on here.

Aethelthryth · 12/12/2018 14:14

It's one night. This friendship is important to your husband. I think you could be more accommodating

adaline · 12/12/2018 14:15

Nope, wouldn't like that. It wouldn't kill one or both of them to stop drinking early enough in the evening so that they can drive the family back home.

Equally, it wouldn't kill you to be polite for a few hours so your husband can spend a decent amount of time with his friend, would it?

jessstan2 · 12/12/2018 14:17

He should have asked you and your children who have to shuffle about but it would be a nice gesture to offer them an overnight stay. It will soon be over and you might find you like it.

LadyinLavende · 12/12/2018 14:29

A couple we have been close friends with for many years - their DC and ours are friends too - split up because he found an OW. They live a four hour drive away.
We have kept in touch with both sides and last summer he announced that he'd like to come and visit us with his GF and her 11 year old son.
Fortunately they were only passing through as the 11 year old was a total nightmare: first words "what's the wifi password" (not "hello"), but that didn't keep him quiet - he kept butting in to the adult conversation and making a general nuisance of himself despite being offered refreshment, games, things to read and (of course) the wifi password. (Our DC were away at the time).

So, actually, no, I don't think @hoopyloopy2 is being unreasonable. Get to know the GF and her offspring before you invite them to stay over.

JennieP77 · 12/12/2018 14:36

I'm the same as you, I'm not very good at having people to stay even those that I now fairly well. We don't have a spare room either and when my MIL and SIL stay it's one on a sofa bed in the dining room and one on the sofa, I hate that but they don't seem to mind. I feel a bit funny about not having my own space and hate the thought of going to the loo in the night and having to tip toe around sleeping people (our bathroom is downstairs). Having said that, I just put up with it, I know I'm the weird one and it's normal to have people to stay. 99% of the time we actually have a really good time even though I dread it. I think you need to get on with it on this occasion and then re-evaluate it afterwards - it might not be anywhere near as awkward as you think it's going to be. It's not an unreasonable request from your husband.

pfwow · 12/12/2018 14:40

YABU, it's one night. He should definitely have talked to you about it first, but it's his home too, and his friends.

Homethroughthepuddles · 12/12/2018 14:46

I don't think it's 'weird' to want to meet people a couple of times before inviting them to stay overnight. This couple only live a 40 minute drive away, it's not as if they have to travel for three hours, so no reason why they need to stay overnight.

Yes, it would be nice if they could both relax and have a few drinks, but it's not essential and if it's that big a deal then get a taxi.

WinterfellWench · 12/12/2018 14:50

Nope. Wouldn't like it, and it wouldn't happen.

I'd be sorting a taxi out.

DH wouldn't like it or tolerate it either.

Call us uptight and grumpy. Don't care really. If it keeps people away from us, then that's the way we'll stay.

ILikeYouToo · 12/12/2018 14:51

I'm coming at this from the opposite end of things - my husband doesn't like socialising at our home, he panics about things getting messy or damaged (no idea why as we have three messy kids, and he's certainly not houseproud). It upsets me so much that I can't have the sociable, welcoming home I always wanted - I feel stressed when people are coming round, put off inviting people (some of our friends and family must think we're so rude) and sometimes he's just not very welcoming to people when they're here. He is otherwise a lovely person, honest! But my point is - if you can do this for your DH, it's a nice thing to do. They're his friends and he wants to welcome them. Is it that big a deal for one night?

Homethroughthepuddles · 12/12/2018 15:04

But the OP isn't refusing to entertain her husband's friends. She would just like to get to know them a bit better before she has them to stay overnight, particularly as their house isn't really big enough to accommodate them without a lot of reshuffling around or people sleeping in the living room.

adaline · 12/12/2018 15:16

DH wouldn't like it or tolerate it either.

That's fine, but if you DID want to have friends over, would you be happy for your husband to have the final say on the matter?

cuppycakey · 12/12/2018 15:27

Well I can't stand people staying over so I am with you OP Grin

I don't think anyone is right or wrong as we all have different levels of tolerance for this kind of thing.

If DH agreed/arranged this without discussing with you then he is being unreasonable. My DP would not agree to something like this because he knows I would bugger off and leave him to entertain his friends alone.

And no - I don't like my friends staying over either.

Roussette · 12/12/2018 15:37

So agree with.. InsightMars and camaleon. I'm a glass half full person and go into things hoping they will be great, as opposed to moaning about how awful I have to set the sofa bed up. You never know... it might be a fantastic night that will go down in history as fun, you might get closer to this couple and end up going on holiday with them because you really like them!

If it's not like that... hey, it's one night and you can say you've got something planned at 10am so need them gone at 9.30am, no problems.

As for the poster who works at keeping others away from her and her husband... Shock.

'No man is an island'. I'm all for human interaction, experiences and friendships and you have to go for it, for that to happen.

Having said all that, I know we're all different and what works for me doesn't work for others who want to keep themselves to themselves. And vice versa.

Roussette · 12/12/2018 15:39

I'm completely opposite to some on here Grin

I've got 2 couples coming here on Saturday (lifelong friends), I've offered to have them stay, then there's no one driving but they're going home. I'm disappointed!

Homethroughthepuddles · 12/12/2018 15:43

Well, as you say Rousette, everyone's different so it was thoughtless of OP's husband not to run it past her first.

I know lots of people who don't bat an eyelid at having people to stay. But I also know many who find it a bit of a strain, unless it's people they're very close to. So it's unfair of some posters (not you) to imply that the latter group are being difficult, weird, whatever or making comments about Brexit and isolationist.

People are different and as it's the OP's home as well her DH could have just checked how she'd be with it.

abacucat · 12/12/2018 15:43

I am amazed that people think nothing of getting a taxi 40 minutes drive away. It would cost about £30. No way would I be paying that.

Homethroughthepuddles · 12/12/2018 15:47

I don't think £30 is that much given they'll be getting fed, and having as much to drink as they want. I know they'll probably bring a couple of bottles of wine, but it's still a bargain compared to what a night out in a restaurant with plenty of wine for two people plus a teenager would cost.

Roussette · 12/12/2018 15:50

A taxi for 40 minutes away costing £30? In my neck of the woods it would be more like £60 plus. We occasionally go half an hour away and share it with another couple... 2 years ago it was £45.

Roussette · 12/12/2018 15:51

But then Home they have to drive a round trip of 1.5 hours next day to collect their car. It's not quite as simple as that.

skybluee · 12/12/2018 16:06

i think it's fine but i wouldn't make your children leave their rooms. then you don't have to shuffle anyone around. your DH can set up the sofa bed and the air mattress for the teenager. good luck.

Lydiaatthebarre · 12/12/2018 16:09

It's different strokes and yes, compromise is sometimes necessary.

So even if you hate having people to stay overnight, it would be unreasonable to ban all your husband's family or close friends from every sleeping over.

But likewise, if you know your partner is not overly keen on people staying, then don't insist that a family she doesn't know stays the night the very first time they visit.

I think this couple need to choose between an expensive taxi or one of them limiting how much they drink during the evening.

Rockmysocks · 12/12/2018 16:17

My son's gf wanted to invite her mum and dad to stay at my house one Christmas! We hadn't long moved and the house needed lots of work and wasn't in a good state and we'd never met them before!

They couldn't just come for the day as we don't live in UK so would have been a few days stop over!

CoughLaughFart · 12/12/2018 17:20

*Nope. Wouldn't like it, and it wouldn't happen.

I'd be sorting a taxi out.*

Regardless of whether your guests are happy to or can afford to travel 50 minutes by taxi (presumably both ways)? Let’s say it’s £50 each way - it’s not small beer.