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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want strangers staying over in my house

254 replies

hoopyloopy2 · 12/12/2018 09:05

DH has invited his old friend & his new partner over to ours between Christmas & New Year. New partner’s teenager is coming too, who we haven’t met. All good with me so far. But DH wants them to stay the night. We don’t have a spare bedroom so this will involve sofa bed + moving one of my 2 dcs out of their rooms. The old friend lives 40 minutes away, so I don’t see why we can’t have a nice time for a few hours without the staying over part. I know it means a lot to DH to spend quality time with his friend. But I don’t want people I don’t know staying in my house and the awkwardness of shuffling people around. I’m not someone who never has anyone to stay, we have family and occasional very close friends overnight a few times a year. But this feels different and I think in our mid 40s we are past that stage of people bunking in together after a boozy night....but DH thinks I am being anti-social & uptight. AIBU?

OP posts:
earlybyrd · 13/12/2018 07:24

*To

SnuggyBuggy · 13/12/2018 07:47

It's not so much the inconvenience. I was happy to give up my bed for a beloved grandparent but not for a stranger.

CoughLaughFart · 13/12/2018 08:54

No one is suggesting a permanent arrangement. It’s one night - one night over Christmas when, even for most adults, normal service is suspended. For children Christmas is like a different world. You can make a night in a shared room a treat - being allowed to stay up later than normal, with some leftover Quality Street as a midnight feast etc.

abacucat · 13/12/2018 09:08

I have slept in friends kids beds. I was a stranger to one of the kids. Nobody thought that was cruel or unusual treatment.
I remember having to sleep with my brother top to tail when someone stayed over. I remember moaning about it once and being thoroughly told off for moaning.
I am amazed at how preciously some kids are being brought up.

lboogy · 13/12/2018 09:12

Why on earth would anyone want to wake up in someone else's bed? I've always hated sleepovers. That is for children/ young adulthood If you can make your way home then you should!

adaline · 13/12/2018 09:14

I remember having to give up my bed when I was younger, or having to bunk in with my cousins (who were made to sleep on the floor so I could have the bed) if we stayed with family. Isn't that relatively normal?

Besides, it's just for one night. Can't the kids share and the guests go in one of the kids' rooms? Kids would probably love a little sleepover as a one-off.

PyongyangKipperbang · 13/12/2018 09:18

Why on earth would anyone want to wake up in someone else's bed?

My feelings too! Also I wonder what the new GF's feelings are about this. I wonder if the two old mates have cooked this up between them and he is getting a flea in his ear about it as well! I know that I wouldnt want to stay over at the house of people I barely know, especially dragging a teen who didnt know anyone with me.

And its 40 miles away, hardly the other side of the country.

SnuggyBuggy · 13/12/2018 09:20

Having strangers sleeping in your room wouldn't be normal to me.

abacucat · 13/12/2018 09:32

I am glad my friends are not so inhospitable. I go out with friends 2 or 3 nights a week. We have people to stay over sometimes. If you actually want real friends, or your DP does, you have to put yourself out a bit sometimes.

jomaIone · 13/12/2018 09:45

Bloody hell chuck a sheet and duvet on a sofa bed, and put a sleeping bag out for the teen. I cannot believe the selfish 'too much hassle' attitudes in this thread. It's bloody Christmas, where's the joy and sense of fun?? It's one night and I bet you'll have fun if you pull the stick out of your arse and have a bloody wine.

gudrunandtheseeress · 13/12/2018 09:54

Hospitality in this case is neither here nor there.

What would concern me is the apparent underlying lack of respect in the OH's attitude towards the OP in not consulting her and simply giving out this kind of invitation unilaterally. Hmm

Trinity66 · 13/12/2018 09:59

What would concern me is the apparent underlying lack of respect in the OH's attitude towards the OP in not consulting her and simply giving out this kind of invitation unilaterally

I guess everyone's' relationship is different but in mine both me and my DH would be free to do that in the knowledge that the other would be fine with it (as long as it wasn't something that happened all the time) It's both our house after all, we should be able to occasionally offer an invite to a friend without thinking that the OH is going to freak out about it.

adaline · 13/12/2018 10:22

What would concern me is the apparent underlying lack of respect in the OH's attitude towards the OP in not consulting her and simply giving out this kind of invitation unilaterally.

I think most people agree she should have been asked, or told in advance at least. But it sounds to me like she would have said no anyway.

MyKingdomForBrie · 13/12/2018 10:28

Wow, I have an old friend staying for two days before Christmas, never occurred to me to check with DH as of course he wouldn't have a problem! Same as I wouldn't consider questioning his right to have a friend to stay in his own home..

SnuggyBuggy · 13/12/2018 10:43

I remember my DH inviting a stranger to live with us. He then said he was going to be working away during the week for the next month leaving me to host them. I told him he was having a laugh.

Trinity66 · 13/12/2018 11:00

I remember my DH inviting a stranger to live with us. He then said he was going to be working away during the week for the next month leaving me to host them. I told him he was having a laugh.

Ok now that i wouldn't tolerate :/ I think the problem with these sort of AIBUs though is, people will compare the situation to their own dynamic. Like if your own DH isn't the sort who takes the piss or would invite people and just expect you to be the host then you'd probably think it's a reasonable thing to do

poglets · 13/12/2018 11:18

If close friends come to visit us (from overseas for a weekend) then we move the DC in to our bedroom and give the couple their room.

In your example, as they only live 40 minutes away then we would set them up on a sofa bed in the front room. We wouldn't move our children. Also, our children would be put to bed long before the late night hours the adults would be keeping - so they need their beds. This is assuming it's a rare visit anyway.

I wouldn't have a problem with them staying. You may not know the partner and child, but they are the family of your DHs good friend. Therefore, they are welcome and included.

My husband has a problem with visitors and people staying. I have to be honest OP. I find it irritating, tiresome and controlling. Unless the friends are unsuitable or it is every weekend, I don't think you are right to cause trouble over it.

It is your DH's home too. Marriage does not exclude everyone else. Friends are important. If it is rare anyway, you should see it positively and do it because it means a lot to your DH. If you go with it then you can also have better control over what time they arrive and agree when they leave. You can also openly communicate what you expect, for example you tell your DH he needs to be responsible for the hosting / clear up.

poglets · 13/12/2018 11:29

@ILikeYouToo

Just saw your post. I am in exactly the same situation and it makes me sad. I am sociable and hospitable and I resent not being able to be so in my own home. Basically, it's so against the grain. If I had my time again, I would have nipped it in the bud at the start and told my DH where to go. It is slowly changing but hard work.

Aridane · 13/12/2018 11:39

Well that's the point isn't it? You've had a late night, several drinks and just want a lie in and a relaxing morning. But instead you've got to get up, shower, get dressed and then look after guests you don't know very well.

We, DH can take the lead on that surely?

Chloe84 · 13/12/2018 11:41

@SnuggyBuggy

What happened? Did the friend stay over?

SnuggyBuggy · 13/12/2018 11:47

No, DH wasn't willing to tell work that he needed to stay at home to host someone. The person managed to find other accomodation.

It just pissed me off, he got to make this grand generous gesture while expecting wifey to do the actual work. This person also had significant trauma and potential mental health needs which I was not equipped to cope with.

I'm not against the idea of opening our home to someone in need but I'd rather do it through some sort of scheme with insurance and some sort of recourse were something to go wrong.

CoughLaughFart · 13/12/2018 11:49

Why on earth would anyone want to wake up in someone else's bed?

Christ alive, they won’t be in it at the time.

SnuggyBuggy · 13/12/2018 11:50

Also depends on how good they are in bed

I had to go there Blush

Butteredghost · 13/12/2018 11:59

For everyone saying that it's anti social - here's how it is for me: I love getting together with friends, but it's more enjoyable when it ends at the appropriate time. For me, that's a late night but not staying over. It ruins a fun night to start faffing about with blow up mattresses and awkwardly taking turns in the bathroom. Then the next morning it's awkward. You dont have much more to talk about and the laughter from the night before is gone.

I much prefer the night to end on a high.

Trinity66 · 13/12/2018 12:02

Butteredghost That's probably the same for everyone but sometimes because of drinking and how expensive cabs are, driving is unpractical or too expensive, so you put up with the morning to enjoy the night

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