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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want strangers staying over in my house

254 replies

hoopyloopy2 · 12/12/2018 09:05

DH has invited his old friend & his new partner over to ours between Christmas & New Year. New partner’s teenager is coming too, who we haven’t met. All good with me so far. But DH wants them to stay the night. We don’t have a spare bedroom so this will involve sofa bed + moving one of my 2 dcs out of their rooms. The old friend lives 40 minutes away, so I don’t see why we can’t have a nice time for a few hours without the staying over part. I know it means a lot to DH to spend quality time with his friend. But I don’t want people I don’t know staying in my house and the awkwardness of shuffling people around. I’m not someone who never has anyone to stay, we have family and occasional very close friends overnight a few times a year. But this feels different and I think in our mid 40s we are past that stage of people bunking in together after a boozy night....but DH thinks I am being anti-social & uptight. AIBU?

OP posts:

DiegoVelazquez · 12/12/2018 10:59

So if one person hates overnight guests, does that mean nobody else in the house is allowed to have anyone to visit overnight?

Did I say that? I said it's important to talk to your partner about it. What agreement/compromise a couple reaches is up to them... but that's what the talking is for! To come to a common agreement so that one of them doesn't have to go moaning about it on mumsnet.

Dimsumlosesum · 12/12/2018 11:01

My husband sometimes does this. I say, fine, but you take care of them, you cook for them, I'm going to head to bed a bit earlier and have a nice glass of wine and a read by myself. And you can cook everyone breakfast :)

abacucat · 12/12/2018 11:02

I think YABU. It is ONE night. And presumably they are sleeping over because otherwise one of them will not be able to drink any alcohol at all. I don't get pissed, but I do like a glass of wine at a social evening like this.

coconutpie · 12/12/2018 11:07

YANBU, and I most certainly would not make DC give up their bed either. They can either sleep in the living room but preferably go home after their catch up.

Rhiannon13 · 12/12/2018 11:08

I wouldn't be delighted with this either, but old friendships are important so I'd agree to it for my OH as it's only for one night. I'd feel bad if I couldn't put myself out for him sometimes because I know he'd do this for me. It's also important to teach the kids to be flexible as it's for such a short amount of time.

camaleon · 12/12/2018 11:13

This thread makes me question (not for the first time) the way I have brought up my children. They would not question for a second the need to 'give up' their bed for one night for another person. Nobody would see as a massive sacrifice or even relevant.
Because Christmas is important to all of us, I would not stay the night in a place they don't feel comfortable. Still, sharing space for one night and making them feel welcome is such a small compromise. I wonder about the attitude of many people towards others.
Some seem happy to 'tolerate' others at home if they are not a burden at all, if they have spare rooms, if they are close friends (not partners or children), etc.
Quite depressing actually

Original poster

hoopyloopy2 · 12/12/2018 11:18

I’m not someone who hates overnight guests that I know well. I think I said that in the original post. But I guess I’m at a point in my life when I don’t see why I should have someone I don’t know staying over, just so they can have a few drinks. It might be different if they’d otherwise have a long drive home, or we had a guest room & more space and privacy to reduce the awkwardness. DH did float the idea to them before discussing with me. Life is stressful for us at the moment with a few financial/family problems - which is maybe making me overthink this & be less relaxed than I could be in social situations. Interesting to see others’ views.

OP posts:

camaleon · 12/12/2018 11:22

You are looking into their circumstances instead of yours. Whether they are 40 minutes away or not is irrelevant; whether you are 40 or 15 is also irrelevant. The fact is that you prefer not to have them around. Own that and live with it. Stop blaming others for your personal choices.
As I have said, I would not have a problem with it. If I had it, I would just say it without trying to blame anything else but my own position on this.
Merry Christmas.

KittensAndChristmasCake · 12/12/2018 11:27

All I can say is that poor teenager 😬
YANBU OP, book them a taxi!

dancinginthehall · 12/12/2018 11:27

I wouldn't be keen on this either. Especially a teenage boy I've never met hanging around the place in the morning when I want to be able to relax in my dressing gown etc.

I think it's a bit much, the very first time you meet the partner and her son, to be expected to put them up overnight in a house where there aren't enough bedrooms.

SnuggyBuggy · 12/12/2018 11:29

I'd have been creeped out to let a stranger sleep in my bed. It's one thing giving up your bed for a grandparent and another for a stranger

camaleon · 12/12/2018 11:30

A teenage boy when you wan to hang around in your dressing gown? (!!!) I am surely missing something here.. Can't imagine any teenage boy (or girl) interested. Good fantasy though.

penisbeakerfan1 · 12/12/2018 11:34

These are DPs friends - you need to be less controlling and let him have time with his friends. If he wants them to stay, let them. It's hardly a massive inconvenience to shift around for just one night. Are you always this high maintenance and controlling? Be careful or you'll push him away.

DiegoVelazquez · 12/12/2018 11:35

Can't you people go one morning without "hanging around in your dressing gown"? It's not difficult to put on a pair of jeans and a top instead for just this one day.

Sitranced · 12/12/2018 11:37

I personally wouldn't have an issue with it. I trust DH's judgement to know his friends well enough to not bring unsavoury characters into my house and vice versa. But if its the sleeping arrangements or lack there of that you're not happy with then If you're not happy with it. Its your house and you have a say in who stays where/when.

Trinity66 · 12/12/2018 11:39

For 1 night? If it were me I'd suck it up, it's your DHs friend after all, he'd do it for me. (as long as it wasn't actually Christmas Eve/night

dinosaurglitterrepublic · 12/12/2018 11:47

I would suck it up, it’s not that big a deal. Being in a relationship means doing things you don’t want to do to accommodate the other person. I wouldn’t be happy about it either but I would do it without complaint. It isn’t one of those things I would be drawing a line in the sand for.

I agree 40 mins isn’t far, but means one person has to drive and a catch up is always better with some booze thrown in. You never know, you might end up enjoying it!

dancinginthehall · 12/12/2018 11:48

"A teenage boy when you wan to hang around in your dressing gown? (!!!) I am surely missing something here.. Can't imagine any teenage boy (or girl) interested. Good fantasy though."

Oh grow up. I'm sure you know what I mean.

JinglingHellsbells · 12/12/2018 11:52

I think you probably have enough comments now, but my twopennethworth is.

You wishes should come before the guests.
why does he want them to stay when they live so near? Even if they booked a taxi for 1am, they could still get home.

I'd not like almost strangers sleeping over. Bit different if you had 2 spare rooms both with en suites and a large house.

But having to kick someone out of their bedroom, use sofas etc for people who live 40 mins away- what's that- 20 miles? Ridiculous.

They can book a taxi or one of them can not drink and be the driver.

JinglingHellsbells · 12/12/2018 11:56

The other point is- surely their teen doesn't need to come too? Surely he/ she will feel rather out of place when he doesn't know you or your own DCs?

I can't think of much worse than being a teen and dragged out to eat and drink with my mum's partner's mate, tagging along. That in itself seems rather odd.

I'm surprised this man's partner thinks it's suitable for her child to be subjected to such an evening.

Lydiaatthebarre · 12/12/2018 11:56

I agree. They should get a taxi. It's one thing to have people you know and are comfortable around still in the house the next morning when you're tired, hungover and trying to get breakfast sorted for the family, have showers etc.

It's different having people you've only just met, including a teenager, hanging around and having to be fed.

nipersvest · 12/12/2018 11:57

Humbug, it's Christmas, kick them out when you've had enough, they can get an Uber or something donkey?

Won't be the first time 2 people and a child have struggled to find a place to stay at Christmas

abacucat · 12/12/2018 12:08

Bloody hell, I wouldn't get a taxi for a 40 minute journey. That would cost a fortune.

abacucat · 12/12/2018 12:10

I just would not drink any alcohol at all and drive home. Or if I was the OH, just leave DP to go alone if it was clear that I was not really welcome as a "stranger".

DarlingNikita · 12/12/2018 12:16

Especially a teenage boy I've never met hanging around the place in the morning when I want to be able to relax in my dressing gown etc.

Fucking hell, what kind of teenage boys do you know? I can't think of one who would give a rat's ass or even notice.

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