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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want strangers staying over in my house

254 replies

hoopyloopy2 · 12/12/2018 09:05

DH has invited his old friend & his new partner over to ours between Christmas & New Year. New partner’s teenager is coming too, who we haven’t met. All good with me so far. But DH wants them to stay the night. We don’t have a spare bedroom so this will involve sofa bed + moving one of my 2 dcs out of their rooms. The old friend lives 40 minutes away, so I don’t see why we can’t have a nice time for a few hours without the staying over part. I know it means a lot to DH to spend quality time with his friend. But I don’t want people I don’t know staying in my house and the awkwardness of shuffling people around. I’m not someone who never has anyone to stay, we have family and occasional very close friends overnight a few times a year. But this feels different and I think in our mid 40s we are past that stage of people bunking in together after a boozy night....but DH thinks I am being anti-social & uptight. AIBU?

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 12/12/2018 10:04

They sound a bit odd, if only live 40mins away, who would drag their teenager to stay at their friends they dont overly know over xmas.

TurquoiseDress · 12/12/2018 10:04

In the main, YANBU OP!

The bit I don't really get is that they live 40mins away- I personally would much rather go home and sleep in my own bed.
But that's just me!

It's your DH's friend so I do think you should be welcoming, to an extent I get the bit about not knowing the party and teenage daughter...but that should not stop you "allowing" them to stay over.
It's his partner & child so surely you should welcome them all with open arms? how else will get to know her otherwise?

A bigger issue here is that it sounds like you simply do not have the space for overnight guests, unless you accept the option of shifting people around.

Another option is you & DH offer you bed to the couple- although I personally would not be happy with that.

(I had just this situation with DH as we gave up our bed and bedroom for the in-laws to sleep in for a 10 day visit...we got the living room floor, I was not happy about this, but went with it to keep the peace, I'll a little bit like that and it does leave me quite cross internally!)

On balance, it's only for 1 night, I would go with it, make them sleep in the lounge on sofa/blow up mattress. Let DH deal with the practicality/shifting people around etc!

Racecardriver · 12/12/2018 10:06

If they live 40 minutes away it is absolutely ridiculous to go to all that faff.

TurquoiseDress · 12/12/2018 10:07

Another thing- how old is the teenager? am thinking early teens, surely if they were 16/17/18 they may choose to stay at home/do something else rather than tag along with mum & new partner.

VickyEadie · 12/12/2018 10:07

I think different people have different feelings about this and the OP's feelings are paramount - her DH should have consulted her first.

I'm going to add that as most people get older they enjoy having people to stay less and less (especially people they don't know that well) - I'm 60 now and used to love having friends to stay. I've reduced the list of ones I really enjoy having to stay significantly recently and increased the list of 'can't really be arsed to make up the bed for them' people in recent months.

adaline · 12/12/2018 10:07

It's only one night. Surely they can sleep downstairs on sofas/the floor?

MimiSunshine · 12/12/2018 10:09

Can a lot of people not understand why they a) don’t want to pay for a 40min taxi ride b) don’t want one of them having to drive?

I’m sorry OP but are you boss of the house? Do you see yourself as having ultimate veto.
Your DH wants his friends to come and stay, you not knowing one of them is just petty to him having to change his plans

DeepanKrispanEven · 12/12/2018 10:12

I'm surprised they want to stay over. If I only lived 40 minutes away I'd want to go back home every time.

TheFaerieQueene · 12/12/2018 10:13

It’s just a few hours and you will be asleep. Let it go OP.
FWIW I love having people to stay. A friend’s new partner wouldn’t be an issue at all. I would look on it as a chance to make a new friend.

paintinmyhairAgain · 12/12/2018 10:13

no way staying over, wouldn't want strangers in my space either nor would dh.

Linziepie · 12/12/2018 10:16

I would hate this too and I am sure the new partner and teenager will be thinking of a way to get out of it too. That's a lot of time to spend together on a first meeting.

DarlingNikita · 12/12/2018 10:17

Well, any new partner or attached friend or family member is a stranger at first. I thought you meant people wanted to stay over, none of whom you know. In which case I'd say YANBU. But this is an old friend of your DH's and their partner and child. YABU.

I say that as someone who doesn't very much enjoy having people to stay over, by the way.

WildfirePonie · 12/12/2018 10:19

I would hate this... and having strangers sleep over with my kids at home would make me really uneasy. I don't know who they are or what they are capable of.

adaline · 12/12/2018 10:22

I'm surprised they want to stay over. If I only lived 40 minutes away I'd want to go back home every time.

Maybe they both saw the opportunity to go out, see a friend and have a few drinks? And 40 minutes on main roads is very different to 40 minutes on rural (and ungritted, unlit) country roads.

DiegoVelazquez · 12/12/2018 10:23

Wouldn't be a problem for me, I quite like meeting new people.

PuppyMonkey · 12/12/2018 10:25

I’d be perfectly ok with it on the basis they can all have the sofa/living room and bring sleeping bags or whatever, but nobody in your own family will be giving up their beds or anything else. If they don’t like that, they have the option to drive back home or get a taxi.

DiegoVelazquez · 12/12/2018 10:25

I think different people have different feelings about this and the OP's feelings are paramount - her DH should have consulted her first.

Yeah this is the point. It would be fine by me but clearly wouldn't with others. Talking to your partner about it before inviting people to sleep in your home is always a good idea!

Bluesmartiesarebest · 12/12/2018 10:28

YANBU because you don’t have the space. A 40 minute journey isn’t long enough to justify needing to stay over. If it means one of them has to stay sober, is that so terrible?

ifonly4 · 12/12/2018 10:28

I wouldn't shuffle people around for one night. At the same time, perhaps, DH would like to spend more than a few hours with them and perhaps everyone have a drink or two.

Not sure what room you've got, but we had last minute guests this weekend. We put two airbeds on the floor for them and asked them to their pillows and sleeping bag - they seemed more than happy with that - to be honest they wanted a drink more than a comfy bed! If their DD had come, she'd have been on an airbed in DD's room, extension or hall (luckily we have a quirky hall).

camaleon · 12/12/2018 10:28

It is quite something to see the number of posters who project their own dislike re having people around to the guests. If the friend, partner and teenager have agreed to come, you can only presume they are happy with the arrangement. My kids (12 & 14) would have no issue whatsoever. If they did, we would say no.
If you don't want people around, for whatever reason, fine. Don't make it about them.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 12/12/2018 10:31

Yep you should have been consulted. That would piss me off.
But one night, over Xmas, for fun? It's going to be fine. It might be fun. They might be your new best friends. Or if its awful it will be something you can have a laugh over.
NB if you have a MH difficulty or health problem that makes that difficult or are working at 6 the next morning then that is different.

FilledSoda · 12/12/2018 10:34

What is the poor teenager going do while the grown ups have their evening ?
Hang out with the younger children?
Can she go to bed ?
Is she sharing a room with her dm and dm's partner ?
It's so badly thought out, I can't help wonder if your dh and his friend have arranged this without asking the other woman either.

TooTrueToBeGood · 12/12/2018 10:48

I think different people have different feelings about this and the OP's feelings are paramount

The OP's feelings are no more paramount than her partner's. It's not her home, it's his as well.

I really can't believe the number of people with social anxiety issues or just plain lack of hospitality threads like this attract.

Letsmove1t · 12/12/2018 10:50

Agree with others say welcome to stay but adults share sofa bed, their teen brings blow up may, sleeping bag and even suggest friends bring their duvet and it own sleeping bags. It’s what people do isn’t it for a 1 nighter doss coz they’re on the pop and can’t drive home

adaline · 12/12/2018 10:51

Talking to your partner about it before inviting people to sleep in your home is always a good idea!

So if one person hates overnight guests, does that mean nobody else in the house is allowed to have anyone to visit overnight?

OP's feelings on the matter aren't more important than her husbands. He wants to have his friends over - it's his home too!