to think MIL has ripped the piss?

[taxiforMIL]

Please help me to see straight with this.

My MIL picks my DS up from school on a Monday. DS is in P4 I so this arrangement has been going on for the best part of 3 and a half years since DS started p1. She always walked to to the school to collect him but since Easter she’s had bother with her knee and hasn’t been up to walking the distance to the school.

We offered to send DS to afterschool care but she insisted he came to her so we offered to pay for her to pick him up in a taxi (she doesn’t drive) and bring him back to hers. All seemed ok.

We decided that instead of giving MIL money every week we’d set up an account with the local taxi company and I’d pay the bill monthly. My DH knows the guy who runs the taxi firm so was no bother to set up. We explained to her what we’d done and the account was to cover her journey to and from the school to collect DS.

Anyway, to the main issue. Since April, I’ve been calling monthly to settle the bill and it’s always been roughly the same amount, give or take a few pounds.

I called at the end of Oct to pay the bill and it was higher than usual but I was busy at work at the time and assumed that there had been a delay at school one day or something had happened. Admittedly I forgot to ask DH about it. I called at the end of November to pay the bill and it was even higher again! For instance, say the bill is normally £30 a month, it was £45 in October then £75 in November. I didn’t pay the November bill there and then as the man in the office couldn’t tell me what journeys had been made on the account.

I rang my DH and explained to him about the bills shooting up and he phoned MIL who said she’d been using the account to get out and about and she didn’t think we’d mind a few extra pounds on the bill.

My DH said to her that she’s spent roughly £60 on taxis on an account that she knows was set up solely to collect DS from school.

She is indignant about the whole thing and even used the account again after we’d told her.

WWYD? I’ve told my DH that I want DS to attend
Afterschool care. It’s cheaper than £75 a month 🙈

Hi OP I think it's cheeky - more so her reaction when it was brought up than the original act.

I think I'd speak to the taxi firm and say that the account is just for collecting the son from school (and any activity she takes him to). If it's just her outside school hours they have to ask her for the fare

I think yes she shouldn’t have just took advantage of the taxis. But also you have to see the bigger picture. She has looked after your son for 3 1/2 years after school. She has mainly walked but now is suffering and doesn’t drive so a taxi was needed. Yes she shouldn’t have used it for other uses but maybe just say that to her. At least have a chat. To just stop her weekly afternoon with her grandson is so so sad. You are blessed to have a relative who takes a real interest in your son. It is good for him and very good for her to have contact. She is wrong to do what she did but at least have a chat, don’t just take away her weekly time with him. Family is important.

"I cannot bare people who dont ask for help"

Very often you can't as you age, you feel irrelevant as it is.

OP, has your Mil looked at the possibility of extra benefits, if her condition and mobility is worsening?

Perhaps her your DP to have a chat with her and find out the extent of her health issues.

Often older people see reduced mobility as something that happens and don't realise the help available.

What's his take on it? If he is willing to fund it out of his share of your joint income, then you can't insist on after school club.

How are you going to work your child having contact with his Nan?

This arrangement was good for your DS and his Nan. It probably makes her feel useful, which stops the feelings of isolation and depression that starts once you aren't working or raising a family.

It would be better to sort this out.

She has already been told.

I think your husband should talk to her one final time, and tell her that if she uses the taxi for anything other than picking up your child, you will stopping this and sending your child to a club, because you can't afford it.

At least you'll be giving her a final opportunity, and if she takes advantage of you again, she'll have been warned.

Yes, you can ask for help.

If you make yourself irrelevant then pf course youre going to feel irrelevant.

"I can't believe anyone is defending the MIL"

There might be a level of denial about her becoming disabled. That's usual.

So, 2 months of extra taxi fares equating to an unexpected £60 in total so far and the OP wants to grenade the DC/GP bond as well as potentially damaging family relationships - without digging deeper. It’s rather OTT for me.

YANBU. I have arthritis and mobility issues myself and still think this is wrong. She asked to have the grandchild when OP was going to put him in after school care. When this came out she didn’t say she misunderstood or hadn’t realised how much it cost, she got annoyed and then used the account again. Also, she may be elderly but she isn’t stupid, I am sure she has had to pay for a taxi in the past so has an idea of what they cost.

We don’t know how much other childcare the grandmother has done, but equally we don’t know how many favours the OP and her DH have done for her either.

If she had taken money out of the OP’s wallet then I do think the answers would be different and to me, this is the same thing. It is all down to her reaction after though that I would be going for the after school club from now on

birds sorry but how do you know shes disabled? Op said shes had bother with her knee. Dss has bother eith his knee. He is not disabled.

It’s funny but the more I think about it and have written it down, we definitely compensate MIL for the time she spends with DS in lieu of paying her.

We’ve spent thousands taking her abroad when she wants to come with us - before I’m accused of taking her abroad just for free childcare.

Most weeks I’ll nip by Marks and pick something up for her to drop in when I pick up DS.

And my DH takes her out to dinner frequently.

I’m happy to do all of this but I most definitely not happy about her using taxis and expecting us to pick up the tab and not even mention it.

Someone mentioned in the thread that if you did this in a business sense it would be theft.

To the people saying you think there’s nothing wrong, would you use an account set up for a sole purpose fornyou own ends and not mention it?

I don’t think much of you if you would.

OP can you not just tell the taxi company that only the journeys to and from the school are to be charged to the account?

I'm sure if you explain what's happened they'll accommodate it. That would stop her using it for extras.

OP I also think this is an important consideration

What does your son want to do OP? Does he like his time at her house?

Perhaps this might be the time for your son to try after school club. He'll be with his friends and it's much more relaxed than school. usually with games consoles, outside space, team games etc. Whilst it's nice to spend time with his gran it can't be that much fun being stuck in the house with her.

Plus it's going to be a lot cheaper than the current arrangement which if you continue is probably only going to keep rising in price.

A bit of balance here. I think your MIL has helped you out a lot to date and she has saved you £££££.......there can be no doubt about that OP. The arrangement has been INFORMAL with no expectations of payment on either side though....it is a goodwill arrangement, nothing more. You owe her therefore no financial repayment for her work to date (though I'd have thought the odd treat might be nice as a courtesy) and equally she should not expect anything from you in lieu - that includes free cab rides.
I would not ask for repayment that is petty. I would close the cab account so it cannot be further abused. I would think about what you actually want for your child after school given his age and needs. Make a decision based on that. If it's still grandma, prepay cash upfront beginning of the week for the cabs. Matter closed.

@Tinkobell rtft OP and her husband have more than repaid MiL for the 'free childcare'

You don't owe people for 'favours' they insisted on doing for you. And doing someone a favour doesn't give you the right to steal from them.

If it was a couple of quid here and there I’m sure you wouldn’t mind as much. But £75 is a lot (put it in perspective - it’s a week’s shopping)

So you think it’s ok to spend someone’s money without asking them?

The Op may have been happy to help MiL out - if she'd been asked. But she wasn't. MiL stole the money for taxis, even after being asked not to That makes her a CF.

I wouldn't cut off the account without telling her first though. But I would switch to after school care, and tell her why.

Of course the OP is upset - but hurt, really? - and so it seems is the mother/mother-in-law of the couple but these are the people who need to sort it out. Coming on here to have your ego stroked might tell you a lot about how you form relationships. Surely you just need to be a grown-up and find a way through it. The fact that the MIL is only in her 50s does not mean she may not have her own issues.

As for not defending the MIL - why not. It's not as if the OP has had this conversation with her where her voice and opinions can be heard. No, she has plastered it all over the internet. Someone - preferably the OP - needs to try and see both sides.

I honestly can't stand all this 'blood is thicker than water' thinking. So is vomit...and I'm sick of family members thinking they can take the piss and not get called on it!

If this was a friend, you'd cut the taxi service off and maybe even the friendship for taking advantage of you. It's no different with family. If anything, it's MORE insulting! You should be able to trust family implicitly!

I'm fortunate wil my PIL but if this was me, I'd stop the taxi rides, enrol in after school care and enjoy weekend visits etc to MIL instead.

Beth i think a lot of people would be hurt if a trusted family member spent their money without permission. I would.

Are you only allowed to have feelings over a certain age?

Our after school club is £2.50 a night.

So would only be tenner a month

Your MIL must obviously feel entitled if she’s indignant after being challenged about her personal taxi use.

Late 50’s with bad knees which hampers her walking distances equates to a level of disability which is a burden if not an inconvenience especially on future family holidays!

My instinct is that she needs help rather than being punished for taking the piss. I’m not actually saying that it’s unreasonable for you to feel the way that you do - but, why are you focusing on the money (when you can clearly afford it, with all your generous holidays - £60 is neither here or there if you’re spending thousands) rather than investigating her bad knees’ prognosis? If this was my mum/mil, that’s what I would be doing (partially from a selfish stance, I might say).

Its not up to op to investigate mils bad knees prognosis. Shes a grown arse woman in her 50s. Op is not her carer ffs.

I also dont think the fact that op spends money on holidays is an excuse for mil taking advantage.

I feel sorry for your DS and your MIL. Of course she should have asked you before using the taxi to get to and from the school but surely she takes care of DS afterwards? The two of them have certainly formed a very strong bond over the years and now, in a fit of pique over £30-40, you're ending their time together? Calm down and think, OP!

I can't believe anyone is defending the MIL! She stole from the OP. That's what taking someone's money without consent is - stealing. Those of you saying she's 'saved' the OP money. So what?! If the OP had left some cash lying around at home and the MIL had pocketed it on the grounds that she'd saved the OP money through childcare, would that have been ok too? Because it's essentially the same thing. The fact that the MIL said 'I didn't think you'd notice' shows she realises how much in the wrong she is!