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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think MIL has ripped the piss?

334 replies

taxiforMIL · 11/12/2018 22:47

Please help me to see straight with this.

My MIL picks my DS up from school on a Monday. DS is in P4 I so this arrangement has been going on for the best part of 3 and a half years since DS started p1. She always walked to to the school to collect him but since Easter she’s had bother with her knee and hasn’t been up to walking the distance to the school.

We offered to send DS to afterschool care but she insisted he came to her so we offered to pay for her to pick him up in a taxi (she doesn’t drive) and bring him back to hers. All seemed ok.

We decided that instead of giving MIL money every week we’d set up an account with the local taxi company and I’d pay the bill monthly. My DH knows the guy who runs the taxi firm so was no bother to set up. We explained to her what we’d done and the account was to cover her journey to and from the school to collect DS.

Anyway, to the main issue. Since April, I’ve been calling monthly to settle the bill and it’s always been roughly the same amount, give or take a few pounds.

I called at the end of Oct to pay the bill and it was higher than usual but I was busy at work at the time and assumed that there had been a delay at school one day or something had happened. Admittedly I forgot to ask DH about it. I called at the end of November to pay the bill and it was even higher again! For instance, say the bill is normally £30 a month, it was £45 in October then £75 in November. I didn’t pay the November bill there and then as the man in the office couldn’t tell me what journeys had been made on the account.

I rang my DH and explained to him about the bills shooting up and he phoned MIL who said she’d been using the account to get out and about and she didn’t think we’d mind a few extra pounds on the bill.

My DH said to her that she’s spent roughly £60 on taxis on an account that she knows was set up solely to collect DS from school.

She is indignant about the whole thing and even used the account again after we’d told her.

WWYD? I’ve told my DH that I want DS to attend
Afterschool care. It’s cheaper than £75 a month 🙈

OP posts:
HavelockVetinari · 12/12/2018 09:18

Hear hear, @Anniegetyourgun

sansou · 12/12/2018 09:19

OP needs to come back and respond to the thread!

I see it as your DH's issue to resolve. Surely, it's not that hard to go "Mum, we can't afford the extra taxis you're taking on our account" and go from there - whether she has financial issues or just plain need more practical help getting out and about.

MrsFassy · 12/12/2018 09:20

Also why is everyone assuming the MiL is elderly? My mum became a Grandma at 40. And a problem with her knee could mean anything, she could have had a fall while skiing or an accident.

@taxiforMIL just for clarity how old is MiL?

Woooman · 12/12/2018 09:21

No Kool, what's sad is that you think family should be paid to spend time with their relatives.

Your interpretation of this situation is very odd. The MIL wants to spend time with her gc, the OP and her dh have enabled that despite having other options that they were happy to go with, but the MIL insisted that she look after the dc each week. She has taken advantage of the situation. If she needed help getting out to do shopping then she should ask for help and her ds should offer to help her but to just take from the OP and her dh without telling them what she was doing is beyond cheeky.

In all honesty I find everyone who is working out how much has been saved on childcare over the years a bit peculiar. You can't compare a gp who wants to and insists on spending time with their gc with a childcare setting. One is offering a service and the other is spending time with a relative.

Maldives2006 · 12/12/2018 09:26

She’s taken extra taxi journeys without letting her son know.. that’s money that could have been spent on her grandson.

Just because someone becomes a grandmother in doesn’t entitle them to be rude and bad mannered

sansou · 12/12/2018 09:30

Unless, you’re really strapped for cash, it’s not about the money. I can’t believe anyone would seriously think that DC going to after school club once a week is better than continuing going to grandma’s where you get 1:1 loving care and attention, better food, help with reading, no stress if late pick up, etc......plus you’ve been doing it for years and presumeably love your grandma.

If MIL would like you to subsidise her taxis, I repeat - what are your DH’s feelings about this?

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 12/12/2018 09:30

A few extra one month to maybe take your DS somewhere fine but it was an abuse of trust and not what the account was for.

Pay up the account and put him in after school club until she can walk again.

fredleighton · 12/12/2018 09:32

I agree Annie. I'm a mil and of course I know that taxi fares cost money. It's ridiculous of anyone to suggest the MIL didn't know what she was doing.

I'm always amazed on Mumsnet at the number of people who talk about grandparents as if they're ancient and frail.

Ljlsmum · 12/12/2018 09:33

Aren't there rules on paying family to provide childcare anyway? So everyone saying the OP has had free childcare- well yes, I'm sure you can't pay them without them being properly registered? Anyway, she must like looking after the child as she was the one insisting on continuing. Perhaps OP and her husband spend extra on gifts for the Goodwill that was shown. Her looking after her GC doesn't mean they should tolerate paying more out than they are expecting.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 12/12/2018 09:33

@sansou there is nothing wrong with after school club.

My daughter attends every day at her school and they give them all such wonderful attention, organising games, activities and help them with any homework or reading they have, especially the older ones.

flamingofridays · 12/12/2018 09:38

sansou

Why does only dh opinion matter?

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 12/12/2018 09:45

MIL knew what she was doing wasn't right - she hadn't mentioned it before it came to light. Maybe thought that her DS amd the OP use the service themselves and won't notice a difference.

I think it's wrong that she hasn't asked. that doesn't mean that if she needed help, her DS shouldn't step in, he should but everyone should know what's happening and why.

sansou · 12/12/2018 09:47

I agree that there is nothing wrong with afterschool club.

In this particular case, the OP isn’t actually complaining about the quality of free childcare received from her MIL for the past 3.5 yrs+ but the cost of unexpected taxi fares in the last few months.

If the OP didn’t prefer her MIL providing the afterschool care, she wouldn’t have used it for so long so I’m reading the thread contrary to the majority of MN opinion. I’m more along the lines of giving MIL some slack and to dig into the issue behind why she might feel entitled to taking some extra taxis at the OP’s expense.

The OP could stop the current arrangement. Don’t you think that there will be consequences? Hurt feelings? Damage to family relationships?

Original poster
taxiforMIL · 12/12/2018 09:49

We have offered to pay MIL and she has declined. What we’ve done instead for her is take her on holiday with us when she’s fancied the destination (Florida, Berlin and Majorca being the last few) and my husband regularly takes her out for dinner.

I hate to say it but she’s far from under appreciated.

OP posts:
MrsFassy · 12/12/2018 09:50

@IalwayswantedtobeBeth sorry I'm confused? Where did I say there was anything wrong with a grandparent wanting a relationship with their grandchild? I haven't said anything of the sort.

ElektraLOL · 12/12/2018 09:50

Omg - that's disgusting behaviour from her. I would close the account immediately and put ds in after school club.

StepAwayFromGoogle · 12/12/2018 09:50

I love that this CF MIL now has dementia, is elderly and is using the taxis for hospital appointments! Nope, just a CF. If she didn't like the childcare arrangements she insisted on, she should have spoken to her son, not racked up an extra £45 a month in taxis!!!

flamingofridays · 12/12/2018 09:50

I think maybe MIL should have thought about the consequences before spending money that wasnt hers.

Original poster
taxiforMIL · 12/12/2018 09:51

And she didn’t provide childcare before DS went to school. She still worked part time and we were happy to put him in nursery.

OP posts:
sansou · 12/12/2018 09:51

It’s her DH’s mother - of course, his opinion matters! Personally, if it was my MIL, I would make DH talk to his mum and find out what was going on. MIL might actually require a lot more help than he realised - not just being a CF!

Original poster
taxiforMIL · 12/12/2018 09:52

My mil is late 50s btw. No dementia Confused nor is she an old woman.

OP posts:
ElektraLOL · 12/12/2018 09:52

And after school clubs are usually fun and well organised- no different than sending your child to nursery.

flamingofridays · 12/12/2018 09:53

sansou i said why is it ONLY his opinion that matters?

ElektraLOL · 12/12/2018 09:54

OP ignore the people who just have to argue on AIBU. I would feel very hurt if I were you that your MIL felt it was fine to take advantage of you.

oh4forkssake · 12/12/2018 09:56

I can't believe anyone is defending the MIL Confused. YANBU OP.

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