to think MIL has ripped the piss?

[taxiforMIL]

Please help me to see straight with this.

My MIL picks my DS up from school on a Monday. DS is in P4 I so this arrangement has been going on for the best part of 3 and a half years since DS started p1. She always walked to to the school to collect him but since Easter she’s had bother with her knee and hasn’t been up to walking the distance to the school.

We offered to send DS to afterschool care but she insisted he came to her so we offered to pay for her to pick him up in a taxi (she doesn’t drive) and bring him back to hers. All seemed ok.

We decided that instead of giving MIL money every week we’d set up an account with the local taxi company and I’d pay the bill monthly. My DH knows the guy who runs the taxi firm so was no bother to set up. We explained to her what we’d done and the account was to cover her journey to and from the school to collect DS.

Anyway, to the main issue. Since April, I’ve been calling monthly to settle the bill and it’s always been roughly the same amount, give or take a few pounds.

I called at the end of Oct to pay the bill and it was higher than usual but I was busy at work at the time and assumed that there had been a delay at school one day or something had happened. Admittedly I forgot to ask DH about it. I called at the end of November to pay the bill and it was even higher again! For instance, say the bill is normally £30 a month, it was £45 in October then £75 in November. I didn’t pay the November bill there and then as the man in the office couldn’t tell me what journeys had been made on the account.

I rang my DH and explained to him about the bills shooting up and he phoned MIL who said she’d been using the account to get out and about and she didn’t think we’d mind a few extra pounds on the bill.

My DH said to her that she’s spent roughly £60 on taxis on an account that she knows was set up solely to collect DS from school.

She is indignant about the whole thing and even used the account again after we’d told her.

WWYD? I’ve told my DH that I want DS to attend
Afterschool care. It’s cheaper than £75 a month 🙈

Wow. So all you people having a go at the op would have no problem whatsoever with some you know spending your money without asking you?

This woman wanted to have her gc, she asked to, no one forced her to do it. The op is not the cf here

None of us know whether it was a genuine misunderstanding with the mil or she knew what she was doing but for the taxi bill to be more than double what the op was expecting Is. Just because mil has helped out in the past does entitle her to paid taxi joirneys (or anything else)

I cannot bare people who dont ask for help, tell everyone they are fine, and then cry about it when nobody offers to do their shopping.

If you want bloody help, ask. Dont expect people to know exactly what you want.

By my calculations, a child goes to school for 39 weeks so 39 x £9. Then she has been collecting your child for 3 and half years - so 39 £9 3.5 = £1,228 you have saved over that period.

My parents look after my daughter 1 day a week and have done for a year saving me almost £2k. So if they are at my house this week and see £100 on the table they are fine to just take it and not even tell me, because they've saved me way more than that in childcare costs?

This is what I fear if/when I am a MIL. It’s your dh’s Mum and ds’s grandmother ffs! She most probably had no idea what it cost or what it would add to the bill, so yes maybe discuss it with her,

Oh, BS she doesn't know how much it costs to take a taxi, you can see the meter whilst you're in one. Her son spoke to her! She thinks he should just stump up and has carried on using them on account even when he told her not to.

All depends what the H agreed with his mum. He might have said at one stage use it to get to the doctors to see about your knee, use it to get to the hospital for an x Ray. We don’t know. But sort of thing an adult son would say to his mum to cover the guilt that he can’t take her.

I still think it is the H who has to sort this out. Talk to his mum. So many Hs rely on their wives to do the communicating and then we wonder why there are issues.

Cover the guilt????

Guilt for what?

She is absolutely taking the piss. I don’t know how anyone can excuse her behaviour. I could understand a one off if she mentioned it to you or asked for your permission but to not only repeatedly use it and say nothing is strange. Even worse, her continued use after you have told her it isn’t acceptable. It’s a breach of trust.

I love and value my mother but I wouldn’t dream of paying her for childcare, she would be offended, and she wouldn’t do anything so dishonest as to use a taxi account in this way.

You and your DH know your MIL so you can better assess whether some of these concerns that she has been suffering mobility issues and can’t get around and pay for taxis herself etc are true. Depends on her financial situation I suppose. But you could speak to her about it and decide whether you want to assist as a separate issue. She could well be suffering and embarrassed.

I would speak to the taxi company and limit the account to the specific school journeys unless you speak to her and decide you want to set an allowance for additional journeys. This would solve the problem without causing the drama of stopping their visits and using after school care. You might be entitled to do this, buy I would be minded to cut her a bit more slack.

Guilt...... perhaps you don’t feel guilt but it is his mum.

I still think the H should take responsibility for talking to his mum. A women wouldn’t expect her H to deal with her mumse would just pick up the phone and make a joke of it and say mum what are all these taxi rides I can’t afford.

Can't believe people who think £75 should just be paid! I couldn't afford that extra! Our after school club is £3 for the first hr and 50p per 15mins after that. Max cost of £5.50 per afternoon or around £20 per month for each day. I use childcare vouchers too.

My MIL can't drive and we are happy to give her a lift whenever we can but £75 a month would cause us real issues.

YANBU

"I have a 100 year old neighbour who is baffled by the internet and smartphones - but she knows that if you get in a taxi, it costs money!"

… and I know a 98 year old who began to get confused by the value of things in her early 80s but was not diagnosed with Altziemer's until her 90s. Let's hope that the OP is more sympathetic if this is something they have to deal with where her MIL is concerned. The idea of families is that we all look after one another, surely. It is not transactional but appropriate to need and ability to help. I think the harsh attitudes to a member of your family mentioned here are more extreme than I have seen in real life so perhaps it is the social media effect. This poor woman is someone's mother not an employee. As others have pointed out she cannot be. A sympathetic conversation might get a great deal further than a decision to be annoyed.

There have been a couple of posts about not being able to "pay" grandma but payment really doesn't have to be a money wage.

Agree with this. No one in our family keeps "tabs" sts, but we paint and decorate, collect things bought from eBay, the PIL have had handmade items from me to give as gifts to people...we make sure they know they're appreciated. 💜

Why should he feel guilty?
Because he isnt at his mothers beck and call 24/7 because he has to work to live like most people?

You dont have children so you have free carers.

He has spoken to his mum and she continued to use the account.

OP, leaving aside whether your MIL is a CF or not there are voluntary groups who will take people out shopping if they are not very mobile. They charge something like £2 a trip. My Mum went on a weekly shopping bus when she couldn’t drive anymore. She made loads of new friends and thoroughly enjoyed it. These groups also have volunteers who will take people for appointments with the doctor, hospital, chiropody, etc. If you have something like that in your area your MIL could be steered towards it. All the posters saying the OP and her DH should offer lifts, these people work full-time so are not able to take the MIL out and about during the working day.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Am I the only one thinking op shouldn't have to pay the extra amount if you set up the account with the taxi company for specific journeys for your son...and they are adding on fare for your mil that you didn't authorise and didn't ask them to do that...then they are essentially adding someone elses taxi bill to your own and expecting you to pay..,. Op you shouldn't have to pay anything other than the journeys you specified for your son...anything extra is not your bill as you didn't ask or give permission for mother in law fares to be added to your account...you should speak to whoever is in charge at taxi company as you are getting ripped off royally

BeansAndCoffee, I agree with that. DH should ask his mum in that way. "Haha mum what's all this extra taxi stuff I can't afford!"

My mum has a health problem right now and can't drive because of it. As we live in a rural area my siblings and I have shared the trips taking her to and from hospital/shopping etc.
I would feel guilty if I hadn't been able to do that.

The OP and her dh didn't ask for free childcare, they would have their boy in afterschool care. The MIL wanted to spend time with her grandson. That is lovely but doesn't mean she can then spend her son and dils money without their knowledge.

She is cheeky and she probably feels its ok or she's owed. I would probably saw she was less cheeky if she was doing them a big favor or they were demanding free childcare (which she should say fo to) but she isnt and they aren't, she insisted on doing this- it wasn't demanded of her.

Setting boundries is the right thing to do. It doesn't need to be all out arguing just a 'we are disapointed you used our account especially as we've been charged double now. We are also sad you have obviously been in a lot more pain then youve let on.

@Kool4katz or perhaps we have parents who want to see their grandchildren and spend time with them! Perhaps them having the children one day a week after school is something they all look forward to and miss when it doesn't happen for whatever reason. And honestly I don't know of anyone who's ever paid their family for childcare- other than perhaps a teenage sibling/niece/nephew, but never adult family members.

And where does it say it's all done at the OP's convenience? She offered to put the child into paid childcare her MiL refused and insisted she still had her grandson.

People on here get so fixated on 'free childcare' they can't seem to grasp that a lot of the time grandparents offer to look after their grandchildren, because they enjoy spending time with them.

I should imagine that MIL's intention was to keep seeing her GS, not to rip off her son & DIL.

Perhaps she thought that she deserved a couple of taxi trips as payment for the childcare she provides?

But that should have been discussed & agreed on, shouldn't it?

I'm sure that no one would have begrudged her her weekly shop or the odd appointment.

"She is indignant about the whole thing and even used the account again after we’d told her."

That's what makes MIL unreasonable isn't it?

What if it was run up so much that it couldn't have been afforded?

How old is P4-about 7?

Is it too late now to just have the taxi collect & drop GS at MIL's?

The OP and her dh didn't ask for free childcare, they would have their boy in afterschool care. The MIL wanted to spend time with her grandson. That is lovely but doesn't mean she can then spend her son and dils money without their knowledge.

^This. The fact that MIL continued to use the account after the OP had told her not to is completely out of order.

MrsFassy please explain what is wrong with a grandparent wanting a relationship with a grandchild. Sometimes it will be less convenient, sometimes more but it is surely the right of the child to have that relationship. There seem to be some very contentious families on here, prepared only to think about themselves. I didn't mean to get caught up in this and just feel hugely disappointed in the attitudes of some people. This will need to be sorted but that doesn't mean it can't be sorted compassionately. Off to the Archer's spoilers and will not stray from there again in a hurry.

I'm surprised the taxi company allowed this. When I had an account; I had to be there to sign for the journey even if I wasn't going in the taxi. They were strict about it.

She's taken the piss; and she knows it.

If you take the childcare issue out of the picture. You have a MiL,your DH’s mum, who is getting older and needs some additional help, you don’t mention if you or DH have ever offered any practical help, lifts etc. Yes she should have talked to you about needing extra taxis, would you have been sympathetic though?
I wish my MIL’s problems “getting out and about” were as easily solved as giving a few lifts or paying for taxis. She has many, many health problems and now has dementia as well ( recently moved into a nursing home) for many years my DH and my SIL took her shopping, took her to hospital appointments, visited her regularly, got phone calls in the middle of the night from police or paramedics asking for them to come ( they had power of attorney) etc, etc.
An 1 1/2 hr round trip for my DH with having to go to work the next day.
Welcome to the world of aging parents, she never did any childcare for us by the way, but she is my DH’s mum and needs help. Your MIL is only going to cost you more, time and money, in the future. Why not have a family discussion and work out some alternatives, home deliveries of shopping etc. It sounds like you are really resentful so maybe you should cut all ties so that the woman knows she is on her own now.

It's very funny how some people seem to read threads differently!

Insisting to keep collecting DS does not give free reign on taxi spending. We don't know whether the OP already does her shopping, takes her to the Dr etc. So many assumptions being made here! Perhaps OP has paid and taken MIL on holiday, that would cover the costs which seem to be so important to Kool

I can make as many assumptions as you! That cost of childcare might have been paid in other ways 10 times over!!

This is what I fear if/when I am a MIL. It’s your dh’s Mum and ds’s grandmother ffs! She most probably had no idea what it cost or what it would add to the bill,

You fear not being able to freely spend other people’s money?

If she’s mentally astute enough to look after her GS she’s mentally astute enough to understand that taxis cost money.

It's depressing to me, as a GM of a school-aged child, to see GMs so often implied to be elderly and frail. MIL in this case may not be more than mid 50s, and apart from unspecified trouble with her knee could be in robust health. There are also a number of assumptions made about the OP's and MIL's relative financial situations. Nobody said MIL is widowed/single either, although she might be. Or she might be happily married to a merchant banker, although I suspect OP would have mentioned that!

Anyway, bottom line is, if you feel your children are taking advantage of you, SAY SOMETHING instead of sneaking back what you think is your entitlement through extra taxi fares. If we can't talk to our own offspring who we brought up from birth, who can we talk to?

Btw I wouldn't set a cap on the taxi costs. There's no guarantee she wouldn't use it up and then not have enough credit to fetch DGS by the end of the month! Specified journeys only would be the way forward if you wanted to keep the arrangement. If it really is hospital appointments etc it could be open to negotiation.