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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think MIL has ripped the piss?

334 replies

taxiforMIL · 11/12/2018 22:47

Please help me to see straight with this.

My MIL picks my DS up from school on a Monday. DS is in P4 I so this arrangement has been going on for the best part of 3 and a half years since DS started p1. She always walked to to the school to collect him but since Easter she’s had bother with her knee and hasn’t been up to walking the distance to the school.

We offered to send DS to afterschool care but she insisted he came to her so we offered to pay for her to pick him up in a taxi (she doesn’t drive) and bring him back to hers. All seemed ok.

We decided that instead of giving MIL money every week we’d set up an account with the local taxi company and I’d pay the bill monthly. My DH knows the guy who runs the taxi firm so was no bother to set up. We explained to her what we’d done and the account was to cover her journey to and from the school to collect DS.

Anyway, to the main issue. Since April, I’ve been calling monthly to settle the bill and it’s always been roughly the same amount, give or take a few pounds.

I called at the end of Oct to pay the bill and it was higher than usual but I was busy at work at the time and assumed that there had been a delay at school one day or something had happened. Admittedly I forgot to ask DH about it. I called at the end of November to pay the bill and it was even higher again! For instance, say the bill is normally £30 a month, it was £45 in October then £75 in November. I didn’t pay the November bill there and then as the man in the office couldn’t tell me what journeys had been made on the account.

I rang my DH and explained to him about the bills shooting up and he phoned MIL who said she’d been using the account to get out and about and she didn’t think we’d mind a few extra pounds on the bill.

My DH said to her that she’s spent roughly £60 on taxis on an account that she knows was set up solely to collect DS from school.

She is indignant about the whole thing and even used the account again after we’d told her.

WWYD? I’ve told my DH that I want DS to attend
Afterschool care. It’s cheaper than £75 a month 🙈

OP posts:
CrunchieFriday · 12/12/2018 08:16

I have a 100 year old neighbour who is baffled by the internet and smartphones - but she knows that if you get in a taxi, it costs money!

If the MIL was genuinely confused by how taxis work, then I would be very concerned about onset of dementia & leaving her on her own. I'd be arranging to help her, (and would not be letting her have sole charge of my child.)

But of course your MIL understands that she was adding to the bill. It is wrong and underhand.

I would be bloody seething, too.

I personally wouldn't let her have sole charge again, as the trust would be gone. It would be afterschool club and a cancelled taxi account from me, too.

I would tell her though - and why. You don't get to steal from people and them be OK about it.

Beansandcoffee · 12/12/2018 08:17

By my calculations, a child goes to school for 39 weeks so 39 x £9. Then she has been collecting your child for 3 and half years - so 39 £9 3.5 = £1,228 you have saved over that period.

HappyEverIftar · 12/12/2018 08:20

Bit late now, but the taxi firm should have checked with you that anything outside a school pick up/drop off is authorised to go on the account.

My DM reacts in a similar way when caught out, she (and your MIl) know it's wrong. Good to hear DH is backing you on this one.

WilburforceRaven · 12/12/2018 08:21

So because the MIL insisted on having him the OP has to face an unknown bill every month now?

flamingofridays · 12/12/2018 08:22

But MIL offered to do this even though op said shed use after school club. Nobodys forced mil to do childcare.

Spending someone else's money is not on no matter how much money you may have saved them over the years

fredleighton · 12/12/2018 08:22

I think it was really cheeky of her to do this but I think you should contact the taxi firm and agree only to pay for the school journeys in future and tell her so. I think stopping the Childcare arrangement is perhaps a step too far and could damage family relationships even further.

Kool4katz · 12/12/2018 08:23

If it normally costs £30 for 1 day a week taxi rides for the month and its now doubled that’s.....2 days a week taxi rides so MIL is going out an extra 1 DAY a week to do her shopping etc.

MIL is effectively housbound from a knee injury and if you were any sort of DIL you should have immediately offered to help find a solution such as additional taxi rides so she could get out to do her shopping etc. but no, you’d rather she comes begging for help because otherwise she’s obviously a thieving cow. Angry

I’d like to know if the MIL has ever looked after the child during school holidays or the odd evening or week-end beside the 1 day a week after school.

I’m disappointed but not surprised that so many of you on here obviously take your DP’s & DPIL’s for granted and seem to think that they should be grateful to look after YOUR children for free and at your convenience.

The message here is clear. Bugger them having lives of their own. They’re old so should be grateful that you deign to allow the DGC’s to visit them.

Sad times indeed. Sad

WhatchaMaCalllit · 12/12/2018 08:23

A few extra pounds on to the account is like going from a monthly bill of £30 to £45, tops. It's not going from £30 to £75!

Get in touch with the after school and make sure that you can get your DS in to the Monday session. Then cancel/close the taxi firm account that you have.
Then calmly, and politely, with your DH sit down with MiL and say thanks for collecting DS after school for so long but "we've" decided (this has to be from both of you or else it will show a crack in the team between you and your DH about it) that DS will be starting in the after school after the Christmas break/whenever he can start. Give her a bunch of flowers to thank her for all the times she has collected your DS and then tie a knot in the whole event and be done with it.

If she asks why he's going to afterschool, say that he wanted to stay and play with his friends who also go to afterschool. Don't make this about the taxi even though that's what it is about.

Good luck!

NaturalBornWoman · 12/12/2018 08:27

This sounds very strange to me. Surely your arrangement with the taxi company would specify the journey covered and the price? If the company has not stuck to the contract then they can have no reasonable explanation of getting paid for journeys outside of the arrangement?

ILoveHumanity · 12/12/2018 08:27

I hear you Kool. Almost amazes me how us women expire after our kids leave the house... by our own standards.

It’s depressing...

smore · 12/12/2018 08:27

It's clear the MIL wanted to keep her day with the child despite it not being easy due to her knees. The OP isn't using her for endless free childcare because she's old (as PP have suggested). She's gone out of her way to keep MIL happy and that has been taken advantage of.

In no world is this ok.

Beansandcoffee · 12/12/2018 08:28

Are you 100% sure that your H hasn’t agreed with his mum that she can use the taxi for the occasional trip to the shops to get food for your child? I think a lot of sons would say to their disabled mum’s, don’t worry about it mum just do what you need to do. Especially since he is at work and doesn’t seem able to take her to the shops.

flamingofridays · 12/12/2018 08:28

katz are you reading a different thread?

CheesyWeez · 12/12/2018 08:30

What does your son want to do OP? Does he like his time at her house?
I would set the taxi account up for ONLY the school trips and they can ask her for the money on the other times.

courgettetrees · 12/12/2018 08:32

No one has mentioned the favour that the MIL has received in spending time with her Grandson. It's not about tit for tat on childcare costs and 'how much the MIL has saved the mother over the years'. The MIL presumably gets enjoyment out of it, especially considering she insisted on carrying on after a knee injury.

I would be cross about extra taxi journeys on the account if they weren't mentioned beforehand.

We also don't know who's the most well off in the situation.. if the MIL is then that's even worse!

Beansandcoffee · 12/12/2018 08:32

It isn’t all about money either. I’m sure your child has benefited from the time with his grandma. Especially when very small. I would be careful because if I was MIL I wouldn’t do any further holiday care, babysitting etc. A few essential taxi rides - perhaps to the doctors or hospital is nether here or there. Your H needs to clarify the situation and you need to keep out of the discussions it is your Hs problem.

ChristmassyContessaConSparkles · 12/12/2018 08:32

Kool you're now painting a picture of an MIL who's resentful at not having help offered by family and who has decided to take what she thinks she's owed without letting said family know she's doing so, potentially leaving them without the funds to pay for it at the end of the month.

You're right, sounds totally fair Confused

WilburforceRaven · 12/12/2018 08:33

She 'has bother with her knees' and all of the sudden she's 'disabled mum' who has to be taxi'd everywhere?

^I hear you Kool. Almost amazes me how us women expire after our kids leave the house... by our own standards.

It’s depressing...^

It's shocking that facing an unknown bill every month is 'just a few quid' and how many live on a planet where they can just absorb an extra £40+/month (or more) and so therefore think everyone else can, too.

flamingofridays · 12/12/2018 08:34

beans so because they're essential even though you've no idea if they were its ok to expect someone else to pay for them is it?

TheKitchenWitch · 12/12/2018 08:34

YABU and sound like an awful DIL. Why didn’t you offer help when you knew she couldn’t get around any more?
Jesus, the posters calling her CF and thief are just hideous. This is what I fear if/when I am a MIL. It’s your dh’s Mum and ds’s grandmother ffs! She most probably had no idea what it cost or what it would add to the bill, so yes maybe discuss it with her, but to take her dgs away because of it seems like a massive overreaction.

WilburforceRaven · 12/12/2018 08:36

A few essential taxi rides - perhaps to the doctors or hospital is nether here or there. Your H needs to clarify the situation and you need to keep out of the discussions it is your Hs problem.

It is when you cannot afford to pay for them for someone else and it's entirely the OP's problem if they share all their income together like a lot of married couples do. Hmm

The MIL was saying she was using the taxis to 'get out and about', hardly as a substitute for an ambulance.

flamingofridays · 12/12/2018 08:36

This is what I fear if/when I am a MIL

Dont spend someone elses money without asking then. Problem solved.

AllRoadsLeadBackToRadley · 12/12/2018 08:36

The message here is clear. Bugger them having lives of their own. They’re old so should be grateful that you deign to allow the DGC’s to visit them.

I, for one, am not disagreeing with this. What I find cheeky is the fact that she didn't ask first! And it seems sneaky that the MIL only mentioned it when the OP questioned the amount!

Unless, of course, there's been crossed wires, and the MIL was unclear about what the account was for?

Eg:

"I'm setting up an account for the CAB firm, MIL, so that it's there if you need a cab". Not cf- just unclear.

"My DIL has an account, I'll jump in a cab and sod off to the bingo, as she'll never question/realize"- CF of the highest order.

It's never ok to steal, or take the piss out of someone like example two. But the "saved a fortune on childcare" has actually hit my heart a little, as my PIL have done the same since birth (Doc's are 11 and 7 now).

OP, can you help out more by taking her shopping, etc, ehile she's laid up with her knee?

Copperbonnet · 12/12/2018 08:37

I’m disappointed but not surprised that so many of you on here obviously take your DP’s & DPIL’s for granted and seem to think that they should be grateful to look after YOUR children for free and at your convenience.

Err, no.

I’m very grateful for any childcare. I express my gratitude both verbally and materially.

I also have excellent boundaries though. Offering free childcare doesn’t mean I have to lie down and let them walk all over me though.

IalwayswantedtobeBeth · 12/12/2018 08:37

There have been a couple of posts about not being able to "pay" grandma but payment really doesn't have to be a money wage. I do think a bit of quid pro quo is not unreasonable. The parents are adults, responsible for their own children and if someone offers help they should be thinking of her needs too.

When I said she may, MAY, be behaving inappropriately it was exactly because her children should be aware that dementia starts small. However, she could just be fed up with the difficulties of the bad knee and wanting some help. I wonder if it has been offered?