Anything else sick of doing all the thinking with regards to their husbands?

[Purplehairdontcare]

I know this has been done to death on here but I need to vent.

I work part time, dh works full time. We have 2 dc. On my days off I have a toddler at home with me. I do all school/nursery drop off and pick ups.

As I work part time I fully accept that I'll end up doing more of the housework etc.

However, having 2dc, things don't just stop needing to be done on the days I work and at the weekends. In fact at weekends when everyone is home it very quickly ends up a tip.

I'm fucking sick to the back teeth of being asked "what needs to be done?".

Amongst many other things.

It seems to me that dh is only motivated when something needs to be done that affects him.

His favourite phrase is, ill do it in a minute, before swiftly falling asleep.

@SilverApples I just quickly have to say before reading on, I bloody love that idea, my DH is reasonable good, but I know what I'm doing if he starts to slip.....laminated checklist here we come !!!!!

headinhands I just saw a thread recently that was by a women who's dc didn't get a bday gift from her brothers family, thread title was something like "AIBU to be pissed at SIL". And it was about 7 pages in before anyone pointed out the women's brother hadn't even been mentioned.

If the woman is pulling in more dough than the hubby then I'll agree, he needs a good kick up the arse.

Its about down time. Both should have the same regardless of wage

Or are you suggesting that even though my full time job was minimum wage I should do 5 times the amount of housework/childcare because he earned 5 times the pay? Luckily dh would think that was a pile of wank.

Baldingmale - as I said in my post earlier, I'm happy to take on the majority of the tasks as I am home during the week. But what would you say about my husband at the weekend when I am working, and he is looking after DS?
Since I work weekends, I can be out all day/ late in the evening. He needs to pick up the slack then! He needs to remember to hang up the washing as I won't be home to hang it up. He needs to remember to give my DS a snack as I won't be home to do it. He needs to decide what to cook for tea as he is the one cooking it and I won't be home to cook it. Same goes for the washing up, the milk and bread from the outside fridge freezer, the nappy changes, DS's nap time, the bins. Are they still all my chores when I am not home?
That is why I'm trying to get DH to figure out in his own way that he needs to do the household chores as well, as I am not there. And he can't contact me whilst I'm working to ask what he should do as I can't have my phone on me.

I don't think any person should have to parent their partner.

OP surely you knew your partner before you married them and then went on to have kids with them or has he just slipped in the years you have been with him.
It does sound like a very negative environment and not much fun for either of you.

Surely he could follow I simple list of jobs that you would like him to do and then negotiate any he really doesn't want to do. Once the list is agreed you then have to allow him to do it his way within the the agreed timeframes, it does seem ridiculous you would have to do this but if it makes your life easier, in turn, it will name his life easier as it will stop you nagging at him not enjoying being round you

Baldingmale, why oh why bring sex into it at all.. just to wind us up?

You basically say housework is a woman’s job, than say it is the job of the lower earner. Which do you believe to be true? What about when the lower earner works more hours than the higher?

How about this - X is the amount of hours of work required to earn the money we need to maintain our lifestyle. Y is the amount of hours of work needed outside of paid work to maintain our lifestyle. Z is the number of capable people in the household.

(X + Y) /Z

@baldingmale40 I earn as much as my husband , even though I’m on my second mat leave. We both work fairly pressured jobs with some long hours requirements. I do our finances and budgeting, our long term thinking, our international house moves. I expect him to pull his weight around the home including in the thinking. I will only be married to a competent man who can parent his children. Is that so hard to understand?

Why give baldingmale the time of day? It's clearly someone on a wind up and people are biting.

I don't actually care what anyone else thinks, I don't even particularly care if dh or anyone else thinks I'm 'a nag', or any other sexist phrase anyone wishes to throw at me.

I'm not here to keep him or anyone else happy.

I wouldn't take "nagging " as sexists as a man can be just as much a nag as a woman,

Sticking my head over the parapet to agree with IamSusan
I don’t see the point of putting up with a partner that infuriates on a regular basis, if trying to sort things out like an adult with words doesn’t work, then there’s two choices. Accept and move on, or split. But years of whinging wouldn’t be an option for me.
Bourbon the laminated list was composed by all 4 of the adults in my house, largely because DS thought he was doing more than his fair share. He wasn’t.
Baldingmale, that’s attitude only works if you have a partner who agrees with it. You are unlikely to find converts to the ‘Bring back the 1950s’ movement here.

Baldingmale, only if the wife agrees to take on 100% of the domestic tasks and the male 100% of the financial ones. It's rarely that straightforward, and often times the wife is bringing in less because she's shouldering so much of the burden of everything else that to have a top notch career on top would literally be impossible.

But what women on here are talking about is not so much managing the household whilst having nothing else to do. We are talking about this faux-incompetence that men put on to manipulate women into basically wiping their arses for them. This was my life, and for outing reasons I won't go into here, it was pretty hard to escape from and got more and more constraining, until he had the life of riley and a fab career and I was this broken mess at home with no money or freedom of my own. I totally loathe him now, and this is what men think is marriage!

He'll do it in a bit,, later,,, tommoro,, God this sounds so familiar

Givmeabreak - then when it doesn't get done, he 'forgot'.

To be fair on DH he is pretty good with housework and will do things umprompted. It's the organisation/admin he is crap at.

This! I asked DH to write cards for his side of the family. I provided the cards and wrote all the shared ones as well as my family. He then proudly handed me a little stack . I don't think I would even have minded if he'd asked if I had any stamps; he just assumed that that bit was for me to sort out.

My DH sounds very similar! He works very hard full time until 7pm every day whereas I am only part time. But I work 3 days 7:30-4pm and then again 8-10pm doing paperwork. My issue is the mental load of all the household admin.

I organise all birthday cards/presents for both sides of the family.
Any holidays are researched, booked and planned by me.
It’s always me that suggests activities or things to do.
I pay all bills and deal with switching companies etc when deals end.
I do all laundry and cleaning. He will sometimes do an hours ironing at a weekend while I do some marking.
I organise all health appointments for us both and 2 year old DS.
I arrange to see his family so that DS has a relationship with them.

It’s draining and to be honest I’m at my wits end. He just doesn’t think about anything other than himself and his work.

I don't think it's so much a case of which sex does most housework but that each couple divides the load fairly. What often seems to happen is both work about the same hours outside of the home but the woman does a disproportionate amount of housework/childcare/life admin which obviously isn't fair.

Married 40 years and counting.

My advice - choose the tasks that you enjoy doing - I enjoy admin, finance, housekeeping and DH loves shopping, cooking, DIY.

If you feel you are doing more than your fair share, then bring it up, and discuss.

Above all, make sure your DC see a good example to emulate.

If my DC ever perpetuate the wifework model, then they will get a good talking to .

tired to allocate family birthdays to my DH. (Sending of cards) Though I still reminded him to post etc. He predictably forgot and obviously his family are stuck in 1954 therefore it’s me they think badly of

OMG is this STILL going on. This happened to me about 25 years ago. His aunt (long deceased now) wrote him a stinking letter because she hadn't had a birthday present. She blamed me and said "Kaitlin usually sends me something but this year she didn't so I won't be buying birthday or Christmas presents for you or her or the children any more." How petty - and notice I was the one who was blamed. The irony was, I had bought her a present and card and had left it with his mother (her sister) who had forgotten to give it to her. No apology though. It only struck me long after how unfair it was - I was so used to it.

And this:
Really proves the point that men get so much more out of marriage than women. Pretty sure I read somewhere that most widows stay single while most widowers remarry. Not hard to see why from this thread alone.

I have heard this before - and the same about divorced men and women - but I can't work out who these men must be marrying. It is certainly true in my small circle of friends and family though - but the women they have married are divorced, so maybe in other small circles the opposite is true - I have never seen any statistics, but it would be interesting.

This thread is making me cringe, how can you (plural) want to have sex with these feigning inept specimens? What made you set such a low bar?

Know what you mean.

Just stop doing it though.

No claims to have cracked it but I just kept on - every time I ironed (years ago, I no longer do) I'd ask him to take the ironed stuff upstairs. So he would but leave the pile on the bed or floor but gradually he'd put away too. So ask every single time. Even now, I often ask for clean & folded stuff to be taken up. Even if I'd be going up later, I reckon it's good for him to see that I've done a job, IYSWIM. I honestly believe they don't see what's around them most of the time, seem to walk around in a daze. It doesn't reduce the mental load but it does mean you don't have to do that one job at least and the element of repetition does mean they eventually get it.

Ironing - if you can afford it, outsource to someone else and fold 90%. Only work shirts need ironing. Any other shirt can be hung and dried on a hanger, doesn't need ironing. I just don't buy things which need ironing although I realise it depends on your work. But a friend used to iron school shirts and trousers and they really don't need it.

School stuff is a mental PITA and I can't tell you how great it is when they start secondary school- still there but much more limited to parents evenings! Even better when they go to uni although highly stressful for the year before.

DH did always expect me to do things like ring the GP to make an appt - for him - and I did have a mini argument about how ridiculous that was, now I will nag him to ring (it's not often) but I will not ring for him. Ditto for any other appts but I did do the children's ones when they were home as I did usually know what their schedule was.

I've had some instances with in laws asking me about this sort of thing. Last time I ended up saying "person X never got a thank you card because DH couldn't be bothered to do one".

Another line I am frequently using with any communication failures with the in laws is "oh didn't DH tell you....."

Really proves the point that men get so much more out of marriage than women.

Only if you see the whole birthday card thing as v important. Before we were married he didn't send cards and presents to his relatives. I won't do it for him.

I've had this with two husbands and all of my other relationships which is why I am now single for life. I have a casual boyfriend who often asks why he can't move in and I have to explain that I am simply not prepared to become another mans maid and PA.
I have too many things I want to do and achieve to get bogged down with all that. They can lump it or leave it really.
I'm prepared to forgo a live in relationship in order to live my life to the full.
I'm not sure the man/woman/kids relationship is valid in the modern world any more, there need to be alternatives and we need to get out of the mindset of being rescued by a prince and living happily ever after because it isn't true.
Do what feels right for you.