Anything else sick of doing all the thinking with regards to their husbands?

[Purplehairdontcare]

I know this has been done to death on here but I need to vent.

I work part time, dh works full time. We have 2 dc. On my days off I have a toddler at home with me. I do all school/nursery drop off and pick ups.

As I work part time I fully accept that I'll end up doing more of the housework etc.

However, having 2dc, things don't just stop needing to be done on the days I work and at the weekends. In fact at weekends when everyone is home it very quickly ends up a tip.

I'm fucking sick to the back teeth of being asked "what needs to be done?".

Amongst many other things.

It seems to me that dh is only motivated when something needs to be done that affects him.

His favourite phrase is, ill do it in a minute, before swiftly falling asleep.

If it weren’t for mine being a reception aged boy and a baby I could have written this post. Except what really does my head in is when my husband says “the house is doing my head in” and he literally does ONE job and it’s a really visible one (for example I own my own business - I’ve had to store some boxes of stock by the back door due to the Christmas rush so he stacked them neatly, moved everything out of my reach and “tidied” around them) then says “that’s better. Would look good if we hoovered.” I literally give him the Hoover now and tell him that he’s welcome to do as he likes. I physically don’t have the time to be restacking boxes all bloody day!

no one gets more than the occasional free pass on life work. No one sits down till it is all done. It’s about being kind to each other. If one person is doing it all, the others are not valuing that person as they should be. I use the plural because we have children and they have to take their own share of responsibility too

Chankly, I only wish more posters were raising their DDs & DSs to value themselves & their partners like this.

I can't imagine what low self worth some people have to just accept being treated like shit by their "partner' - life would be easier single or divorced!

DH working from home today but doesn't have very much to do.. so he asks 'what's on your list today' I don't have a 'list' I have things that just need to be done and anyone could see that.

I am unbelievably cranky though, DD is slap bang in the middle of the 4 month sleep regression, she refuses to sleep anywhere but on me and I had about 3 hours sleep last night.

"What's on the list?"
"I don't have a list, I am the list!"

• Cheryl Strayed

I'm trying to work on this with DH. I have recently gone back to work pt at weekends. As I am home with DS during the week, I am happy to pick up the weekly life admin, meals, cleaning etc. But at weekend, this falls to DH. It's taking a while but he's slowly getting the hang of it.
At first when I went back to work, the daily things wouldn't get done as he became focused on a big task, for example, rearranging and baby proofing the living room so DS has more room to shuffle about, or the dining room, or cleaning the kitchen cupboards which did need to be done, but he would get so caught up in the jobs that he would forget the daily stuff (milk from out of the outside fridge, bread out of the freezer, washing hung up, DS's snack and nappy change, washing up) and yet would still expect praise for the big jobs. So we had a massive argument where I said he was still acting like I was still at home with him at weekends and I would remember these jobs need doing so he could focus on the big jobs.
He now has things in place to try and remember the daily jobs (checklist, alarms on his phone etc). It's getting better, but he still needs reminding. He's good at remembering his other jobs during the week (washing up every day, bins, making his work lunch), but I think weekends can get him muddled as my shifts change.
An example of this is doing the shopping list last night. I have been saying for a week now that the next two weekends I am working till finish, so he is in charge of organising lunch and teas. Last night I asked him to write out his shopping list as I am going food shopping today. I even added a reminder on our shared calendar. He wrote his shopping list for his works lunches only. I said what are you and DS having for lunch - I don't know, what do we have in. Erm, look in the fridge/ freezer. I don't know what you have left. I then asked what was he going make for tea that I can reheat - I don't know, what would you like. I have a list on the fridge of what meat we have in the freezer, he knows it's there, he knows what he is capable of cooking, just look at the lists and decide!

Doesn't it scare you that a grown man (as in some examples) can't sort out his own DC in the morning

I had to stay overnight in hospital with the youngest once. Other family members were all over DH to offer help with other dc. It's odd isn't it.

never understand how some women end up in charge of the kitchen.

Remember one poster recounting how her dh had helpfully bought the shopping in from the car, put the bags on the side and said, 'I'll leave you to put it away, I don't know where everything goes. Can you imagine if you tried that excuse at work!

My dh is really getting better, it’s been a slog. I say let him fail wherever possible, and absolutely pull him up for it. I do not pack nursery bags for him- in the early days with ds at nursery he came home in the spare clothes and I tore strips off him- he’s a baby , he gets wet and dirty and if you haven’t provided clothes for him you aren’t being even a basic parent. Obvious exceptions are the first time he took ds to forest school in winter - I laid out the clothes because it’s not ok to have ds cold outside all day. He is really learning to own his mistakes - he ruined several silk dresses, knits and underwear of mine over the years but I always lost my shit rather than stop putting my clothes in the basket so now they are safe (try it’s a label- you can read last I checked , so read it!!) .
Last night when I checked his home time it was nearly 7. I messsaged back that doesn’t help, when we discussed dinner plans we agreed tonight you’d be home on time so we could cook x (I have a toddler and a 3yo, do minimal cooking solo during awful o clock) . He fixed it by ordering us a pizza from work instead without my having to ask.
Have a list. You will have to write it. Then you stop telling him what to do or answering questions about it, you say read the list. You don’t repeat yourself without calling it out- you say it’s the same as we discussed yesterday , you’re doing x. Don’t answer questions like what size are they -either helpful :suggest they check labels and go up one, or not helpful: say I’m just doing x right now , why don’t you ask their father? (He is their father in my case)
It takes time, tears and meltdowns unfortunately. But you can change it if you’re with a good guy.

I don't want overflowing bins in my garden, so what do I do?

He takes it to the dump?

I tired to allocate family birthdays to my DH. (Sending of cards) Though I still reminded him to post etc.

Very early on I made it clear he sorts his family's birthdays. He doesn't. That's his lockout. I'm not going to feel guilt or worry about what his family may think. To be fair they're lovely and intelligent so doubt they're sitting about hating me.

When I was working full time I told him that this year it was his job to write cards to family. (I'd provided the cards) a couple of days later he proudly hands me a stack of envelopes. Stack seemed a bit small. Turns out he's written cards for all his family. Never occurred to him him I meant my side too.

I suggest...

Joint calendar
Google is good and you can access it from your laptop or iPhone.

Joint to do list
Remember the Milk is my fave. You can set to dos to recur. No excuse not to know what needs doing.

I don't have kids and DH does his share so I don't actually need to do this but I have worked with lots of useless men and have found that the easiest and least stressful option is to take control and delegate jobs. No, you shouldn't have to do that but people are disorganised and lazy (especially men) and you are on a hiding to nothing if you wait for them to step up and actually 'see' what needs doing.

Failing that, LTB!

Just thought of another thing....

DH and I have our jobs, so he chops up veg, washes up, tidies the kitchen, changes the bed, hoovers, dusts, puts the bins out, cuts the grass and sweeps leaves.

I clean the kitchen, toilet and bathroom, do the washing, plan meals, do the food shopping and the garden.

Maybe write a list of what needs doing and divide it up? When we were both working full time, we used to have a blitz at the weekend but our list evolved over time and we do the jobs we both prefer.

Very early on I made it clear he sorts his family's birthdays.

See even this is so crazy when you think about it. You had to make it clear? Why would he even think for second you would do this. Does anyone here have a male partner that "made it clear" at the beginning of relationship that he wouldn't be responsible for the women's family's cards? Thought not.

It's like when women say "well I refuse to wash his laundry unless it's in the laundry basket!", and they say it in a sassy way like they are being soooo strict. Hello, you are still doing his washing

YANBU!

I feel like I do most of the 'stuff' (mental & physical) around our home and everything relating to DC1's school- including drop offs (most days) and all pick ups.

Recently I read an article about the "mental load" that women have to bear and it really resonated with me! cannot remember who wrote it or where I found it, think on FB?

I wish DH would take the initiative to look in our fridge/freezer and actually think about what we need rather than waiting for me to give him detailed instructions e.g. why didn't he notice that he finished all the milk?

Also he is only capable of doing a shop for one meal, it's as if he cannot think any further than the current day, drives me bonkers!

He will put laundry in the machine and turn it on, but often it will be when he/we have to go out and so it spends 12 hours or more in the machine (pet hate of mine). Plus, his habit is to get the entire laundry basket and ram it into the machine- this really winds me up, but his logic is that it saves time as you get all it all done at once

To be fair on DH he is pretty good with housework and will do things umprompted. It's the organisation/admin he is crap at.

Does anyone here have a male partner that "made it clear" at the beginning of relationship that he wouldn't be responsible for the women's family's cards? Thought not.

I know! DH's sister made us a Christmas cake. She presented it to me even though we were standing together because my vagina means I like cakes. His penis renders them invisible or something.

headinhands don't get me started on the number of times I've seen women complaining on here that their son doesn't keep in touch, oh it must be DILs fault. No it's the bloody man's fault! His wife doesn't have to pick up an extra mother!

I reckon a lot of the strife between MILs and DILs comes down to a MIL who believes in wife work and DIL that doesn't

I reckon you are right snuggybuggy. In some cases it seems like the MIL outwardly doesn't believe in wife work and is up on feminist theories, the mental load idea, etc BUT the idea is so pervasive that they subconsciously still expect it so the conflict still there.

oh it must be DILs fault.

Yes! It goes some way to explaining the prolific demonising of dil's on here. If you're used to enabling your dh's contact with their extended family and then your ds doesn't send cards and stuff when he's married you're going to be unfairly and possibly unconsciously miffed with his partner. Even if he didn't bother with all that when he was single without consternation.

And all that crap about the kids seeing more of their maternal grandparents because of evil scheming DILs.

It would be very interesting to observe dh if I went away for a week.

And all that crap about the kids seeing more of their maternal grandparents because of evil scheming DILs.

Yep. I've seen numerous posts where op is cross with the sil because they've forgotten a birthday. It's unashamed sexism.

Hi mumsnet

Reading through most of the comments on this thread I think it would be fair to assume that the majority of husbands see household chores as a woman's job.

I have to say I agree with the above statement and I will fight my corner until I'm inevitably banned for daring to go up against the mumsnet lot.

If the man of the house is pulling in the lions share of the household income then that affords him some slack. This is increased ten fold if the woman is sahm or a part time worker.

Unfortunately for the majority of women this is how us men think, and to be honest we get away with it apart from a few threads on AIBU- DH is taking the piss blah blah blah.

If the woman is pulling in more dough than the hubby then I'll agree, he needs a good kick up the arse.