Anything else sick of doing all the thinking with regards to their husbands?

[Purplehairdontcare]

I know this has been done to death on here but I need to vent.

I work part time, dh works full time. We have 2 dc. On my days off I have a toddler at home with me. I do all school/nursery drop off and pick ups.

As I work part time I fully accept that I'll end up doing more of the housework etc.

However, having 2dc, things don't just stop needing to be done on the days I work and at the weekends. In fact at weekends when everyone is home it very quickly ends up a tip.

I'm fucking sick to the back teeth of being asked "what needs to be done?".

Amongst many other things.

It seems to me that dh is only motivated when something needs to be done that affects him.

His favourite phrase is, ill do it in a minute, before swiftly falling asleep.

Tinaturnipp they sound very similar!

I tired to allocate family birthdays to my DH. (Sending of cards) Though I still reminded him to post etc. He predictably forgot and obviously his family are stuck in 1954 therefore it’s me they think badly of.

I’ve just allocated the Christmas presents for his family to him. We’ll see how it goes.

I do struggle to see how he is so successful at work when at home he can’t prioritise any task correctly.

Bore off Susan, I didn't tell dh to hand-wash the pants. I told him to wash them on their own, as in chuck hem in the machine on their own. I don't really care what you would have done either. Dh asked me what to do with them, he could have chosen to think for himself and do something else.

Anyway, you don't need to have 'defined roles', to understand to do a bit of laundry when the basket is overflowing, or to know not to leave all your junk and shit lying around.

Also stop comparing things like a car MOT, which happens once a fucking year, to day to day jobs to keep the house ticking over is ridiculous.

As for not knowing when your own car is due for an MOT, you sound as clueless as my husband.

As for your example if not knowing what goes in the nursery bag.

ALL of these things are basic things that every adult should take responsibility for.

Tina my husband does similar to, he'll go off huffing and ranting that the garage is a tip and bashing and clattering around in there.

It's avoidance pure and simple.

Lots of men believe somewhere subconsciously that these tasks are beneath them.

God this thread makes for depressing reading. I really don’t know how you all put up with it. Really proves the point that men get so much more out of marriage than women. Pretty sure I read somewhere that most widows stay single while most widowers remarry. Not hard to see why from this thread alone.

Ooh OP I’m jealous that your DH appears interested in helping you at all!
I’m sick of hearing ‘It’s my day off, I’m not having you telling me to do jobs’....

He does work in physical jobs but I also work full time and somehow I manage to shop, do laundry, taxi DC everywhere, clean house, and walk the dog on my day off!

Sadly I could have written this post. I work from home whilst caring for a toddler (who only goes to nursery 2 mornings a week) and have an older one at primary school. I also have a chronic health condition that affects my mobility and leaves me massively fatigued. Despite this I take care of everything- and when my husband does say he’ll do something, it takes him so long to get off the sofa and actually do it I might as well do it myself!

Yesterday he text me to ask what size clothes our kids wore as his aunt wanted to buy them pyjamas for Christmas. Is it rocket science to guess that a 6 year old will wear age 6-7 pyjamas? I despair! And often think I’d be better off without him.

Following for any tips on better sharing the load...

gosh, you do have an attitude problem OP haven't you!

Unlike you, I don't moan about being a martyr, we've split the chores so I don't deal with MOT, as an example. That' the difference between you and me, I don't need to take responsibility for everything then moan than I have to deal with everything. You can't have it both ways my dear!

You clearly want things done YOUR way, and expect your poor husband to follow your rules. You are the one in a huff. I bet you will also have a go if things are washed the wrong way or in the wrong order. If I have to take care of the house, I am perfectly capable but being in a relationship I don't have to, I only take care of half. No mental load bollocks in my home.

I do feel sorry for your husband, must be a joy to come home to a harpy!

Apart from moaning about it on MN what are you all doing about it?

When we were still together, I used to tell my STBXH to use his own brain. He still asks me trivial questions now he's left, it drives me insane.

Is it rocket science to guess that a 6 year old will wear age 6-7 pyjamas?

I am sorry, but with the randoms sizing in the shops, I always check the high in cm for clothes for my own kids, not the age labels which vary hugely. It's a perfectly valid question. Kids sizing is now as bad as adult sizing.

Not sure what can really be done about it. For example - the only job DH has is putting the bins out. As in, wheeling the wheelie bin from our garden to the end of our driveway (I empty the kitchen bins into the wheelie bins). He agreed that it would be his job. He. Doesn't. Fucking. Do. It. He just doesn't. We often miss the bin men or I run out early in the morning when I realise he hasn't done it. If I didn't, the bins would overflow, each colour is only collected once a month. I don't want overflowing bins in my garden, so what do I do?

I told mine that if he can hold and progress in a well-fucking-pair multitasking job, understanding household chores should be nothing to him. And that’s I know he won’t get it right the first time, but I Mac ready to train him once or twice. After that, he will be on his own and will be expected to perfrom efficiently just as he does at his work. Otherwise, I will consider that he is faking it.
Worked out pretty well.

Yes, I HATE 'what can I do' bloody look around you!!

My big bear at the moment is sterilising bottles, we have 6 and he'll see them all there but doesn't wash or sterilise them, so I start banging about and he goes 'you should have asked, I'd do it'

WHY SHOULD I ASK?!

My phone and Mumsnet website don’t get along. Typing is abrupt, weird typos.

to make your life easier? swap.
what does your DH cannot live without? If it's proper food, let him in charge of the online shop, cooking and clearing up, if it's clean clothes, let him in charge of the laundry and so on. Or give him a bill for a weekly cleaner.

We've outsourced as much as possible, have a cleaner, various childcare solutions and we send out the ironing (only his shirts get ironed everything else is just worn as is). Hes now going on about employing someone to do admin stuff for us like paying the bills etc. We are a perfectly ordinary family, 2 adults, 2 kids, both working professionals, it's just that I can only do what I can do and he does absolutely nothing, so we're always chasing our tail a bit. He is happy to outsource every single responsibility he has, at great cost... I don't even know where to begin with it

Look up The Mental Load by Emma on Google. It's on a Guardian page. It about sums it up!

amp-theguardian-com.cdn.ampproject.org/v/s/amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic?amp_js_v=a2&amp_gsa=1&usqp=mq331AQHCAFYAYABAQ%3D%3D#referrer=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.google.com&amp_tf=From%20%251%24s&ampshare=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.theguardian.com%2Fworld%2F2017%2Fmay%2F26%2Fgender-wars-household-chores-comic

Or you could stop giving a fuck about certain things. For me it's cleaning. DH obviously doesn't give a fuck, so I don't.

The world hasn't fallen in yet.

Are we married to the same person?! It recently all got a bit too much for me and I ended up having a massive rant at my husband about mental load and his lack of regard and contribution. He just expects me to meal plan and will just sit there and say 'what's for dinner?' On days I'm at work and he isn't, this really really pisses me off (because the children are at school/nursery in these days he doesn't have to sort out the kids).

It's happened before, he is helpful for about a week then resorts to sitting in his iPad and snoring 🙄

Ugh I couldn't bring myself to be attracted to my partner if I basically had to be his mum.

If they can hold down a job they can think about which household chores need doing. It's pathetic of them and a poor example to children.

Have you ever even asked HIM "what's for dinner"? Why don't you expect HIM to meal plan and deal with it?

I never understand how some women end up in charge of the kitchen. Won't you both cooking , or him, when you both moved in together? It gets tricky when you stay home on maternity leave, but it doesn't mean you have to take over everything in the house then.

To be honest I never used to mind to much until his work pattern changed to include alternate weeks of nights which coincided with the arrival of DD. And it just makes everything slightly more of a head ache when he's on nights, having to plan a day ahead to make sure there's something done. I think in the new year, We will alternate meal planning a week about, and when it's his turn I'll sit and ask him 'what's for dinner'

Some of the men described on here sound fucking exhausting, like having another child to deal with.

if my DH acted like that i'd never agree to move in/get married - i didn't marry him to become a skivvy, we're part of a team, and that doesn't necessarily meant equal exactly... but over a period of time, neither person should feel like the balance is out of kilter, or they couldn't live independently if one of us was ill/travelling for work/caring for a relative.

i'm fascinated by threads on MN when women post something like "i'm ill at the moment and the household has completely broken down, my DH can't cope with the kids so they've been packed off to my mum's" - what on earth would happen if you were in hospital or an accident..? Doesn't it scare you that a grown man (as in some examples) can't sort out his own DC in the morning when he doesn't also have to be at work i.e. he literally has about 10% of parental responsibility on his shoulders, single-task-mode, and he still can't manage to parent). that's really scary!

What am I doing about it? I refuse to shoulder more than my half. We end up having essentially what amount to small management meetings at least daily. Not in an official, sit down way, but our way of touching base with one another is to greet, and then basically start running down our tasks completed and what is left to do that day, along with plans for the next day. If one of us feels the other isn’t stepping up for whatever reason our habit is to go to them and essentially start a little meeting like that. So if I’m feeling put upon I go to DH and say ‘right, I’ve got the laundry in and the dishwasher done, I’ve cleaned the bathroom and arranged for the online shopping to come at 8. Next up are the kids rooms and the garden. We need to speak to the insurance company and I’m going out at 7’ and he gets up and joins in the jobs. And he comes to me and says ‘I’ve got the kids ready for school and I need to go to work, they are wearing their Christmas jumpers and have their packed lunches, but they need something for the school fair - dinner is in the slow cooker and I will pick up some bread on the way home. But I won’t be back until late so you’ll need to pick them up. Can you put petrol in the car and pay the gas bill today’ and I get up and join in the jobs.

If someone doesn’t join in the jobs, we will have to assume they are ill. But no one gets more than the occasional free pass on life work. No one sits down till it is all done. It’s about being kind to each other. If one person is doing it all, the others are not valuing that person as they should be. I use the plural because we have children and they have to take their own share of responsibility too.