Anything else sick of doing all the thinking with regards to their husbands?

[Purplehairdontcare]

I know this has been done to death on here but I need to vent.

I work part time, dh works full time. We have 2 dc. On my days off I have a toddler at home with me. I do all school/nursery drop off and pick ups.

As I work part time I fully accept that I'll end up doing more of the housework etc.

However, having 2dc, things don't just stop needing to be done on the days I work and at the weekends. In fact at weekends when everyone is home it very quickly ends up a tip.

I'm fucking sick to the back teeth of being asked "what needs to be done?".

Amongst many other things.

It seems to me that dh is only motivated when something needs to be done that affects him.

His favourite phrase is, ill do it in a minute, before swiftly falling asleep.

"No woman should have to parent their partner."

Define parent. Go to work and supply the essentials of life? Food, shelter, water?

Should men have to parent their partner?

Someone who doesn't fully contribute to your lives together isn't a lovely husband

This kind of happened in the early stages of my new relationship and I felt a very real urgency to nip it in the bud early doors.

Have you talked to him about this? Not in the moment when you're annoyed, but at a time when you're both calm?

This is the only thing that my husband and I ever argue about. He will do literally anything I ask him to - but he has to be asked. We have the same routine for baby, clean up, dinner etc. every night, but he still claims not to "see" the mess.
We had a proper row the other day, because he never checks that he has his keys when we leave the house, because he just assumes I do. Of course I have them, because I'm a responsible adult, but why the fuck don't you have yours??

Oh, and he's an educated professional.

I'd love to know how to sort it. I refuse to back down and do it all. But it just means more arguments.

I'd love to know how to sort it. I refuse to back down and do it all

This is me but in our case, I find it hard to get him to see the practical things like 'oh look the car insurance has run out' or ' we need to ring NPower as we've been overcharged'
How do you manage those things or does one person always 'manage' the household?

I believe they know what needs to be done, and they're capable of doing it. But it's low level "women's work" and associated with children, so they're not interested. Back in your cave ladies.

I agree, and have the same situation. What has really helped is my bullet journal. If something needs doing that i'd like him to do, i'll get a verbal agreement with him that he'll do it, then put it in the bj with his initial next to it. At the end of the month, if it's not done, i'll say that i'm transferring it forward. It means that he takes responsibilty without nagging.
BTW I am aware that it doesn't solve the problem of having to initiate it in the first place. But there are quite a few things, like insurance, that he sorts without me.
Plus, if you really hate a job, do it so badly that they take it on. My Dh has done the ironing all our married life for this reason.

I'm really trying to get on top of it before it starts affecting DD. Before kids I just used to let him fuck up, for example the year when he didn't bother to get birthday presents for any of his family members and he got a bollocking from MIL.

Left mine too.

He was more cunning though, because he dressed his laziness up as actively being against doing anything to prepare for Christmas, so he could claim it was a virtue.

Ive started to turn it back round to him. What do you think needs doing? Why did you need to ask me when you are perfectly capable of working it out for yourself.

God yes. It is absolutely exhausting. I am sick to the back teeth of nagging him.

Last week he started to panic the night before his secret Santa gift was due for work. I looked at him blankly. Then he actually begged me to help him. I think he thinks I have some kind of special power and can magic up an amazing, funny gift . I asked how much his car insurance was last week and he said he didn't know he just let it roll over every year .

When we first moved in together DH text me one day whilst I was at work to tell me he was very low on deodorant and face moisturiser. I text him back to tell him I am not his mother.

I have did my best not to enable his lazy ways. I am well aware that he is fully capable of sorting all of this stuff himself. He thinks I will just give in as it will be easier for me that way. But god it winds me up. I feel like a bitch sometimes.

Now we have DS. I am determined not to be stuck sorting everything forever, especially when I go back to work full time. I hang back from doing things on purpose. Eg I don't set out food for DS if DH is going to be on his own with him. He will take DS to the bath and roar for me to bring a towel, a babygro .

Now waiting on him to start panicking about Christmas presents for his family. He usually has a melt down around 22nd/23rd December I refuse to take it on. I've watched my mum do it for years for al my dada family.

He’s also out 2 nights a week for his hobby which he goes to straight after work. So he leaves at 8am and comes back 11-1am 2 nights a week

He's surely not doing this whilst you are on bed rest though!

Dh just can’t cope. He’s actually left the younger 2 with my parents cause he couldn’t manage getting them all up and ready in the morning!

He couldn't look after his own children?

My DH was like this. I ended up doing everything. I also ended up buying presents for his parents to because they would get me something so I felt rude not to get it organised. I worked full time he worked part time.

The high (low) point came when 3 months after we split up he asked me to collect a prescription for him as he hadn't done it.

We are now separates and it's far easier - I still have to remember everything (well nit his families presents) but at least I don't have someone else sitting on their arse while I do it!

Bit like DH'S famous 'what are we having for lunch' question at the weekend.

Seriously? Just say 'halfwit, what are you cooking?', there's no 'we' about it.

I'm always super passive agressive back and say 'Oh, I'll have XYZ and the kids can have ABC'

I hear you, it’s bloody exhausting isn’t it!

DH and I both work full time, 2DC, but DH is away 4 days a week so I do everything during the week, he does a share of housework and childcare at weekends but I still have to do the thinking and organizing. I can’t see a way to change it.

My DP has earned the nickname ‘tomorrow’ due to his incredulous procrastination skills.

We both work FT but I’m currently on mat leave till September with our 6 week old. Since being home everything has fallen on me, he barely does a thing and has to be incessantly nagged at before he does anything. He’s like my fifth child tbh. Not usually this bad when we’re both working, I honestly think he thinks I should be doing everything because I’m at home. I feel sorry for SAHM’s if this is their permanent reality.

I have never been good at keeping on top of the ironing

Stop doing it. We did a few years ago and haven't missed it at all.

That's true for a lot of this stuff. If your partner doesn't care, then stop doing it yourself. What needs to get done will get done eventually.

Striking worked wonders on my gorgeous, lovely, scatty DH
He notices the little things better now.

My husband is brilliant in a lot of ways. Very hands on, will take time off work to help with school run if needed, does most bed times, will tidy up etc. Offers to cook from time to time, although he's not very good at it, so I don't mind doing that. I work part time so I'm also quite happy doing the lions share.

BUT.

He has a habit of doing half a job. So he will tidy all the kids toys away, but then not hoover, despite the fact that we're ankle deep in crumbs and bits of playdough and whatever shit the kids have chucked about.

He'll do the washing up, and then wipe down the draining board but never cleans the sink (often leaving a coating of slime all over it from emptying the washing up bowl) or wipes over the worktops, so I end up having to do it.

He'll stick a wash load on but never empty the machine afterwards.

I don't know why he does those things, I can only assume that he either gets halfway through it and thinks "that'll do" or genuinely can't see that wiping grease and bit of food and much into the sink then means that the sink needs cleaning.

He does all the bins and recycling, but never thinks to empty the kitchen bin on collection day. Our main black bin gets collected once a fortnight, and it drives me mad to see the kitchen bin overflowing on a Tuesday - it just strikes me as pointless when the rubbish is collected that day!

He will also do random jobs that aren't really necessary like cutting back the jungle that is our garden, in the middle of November, when it would be far more helpful if he wiped the bathroom round or folded the clothes.

But he is very good in so many ways that it really feels wrong to get upset about it. And if I do, he then gets upset that I don't appreciate the stuff he does do.

Like, the other week he had some time off work. He was really proud because he'd cleaned the bathroom. He'd cleaned the floor, the window sill and the tiles around the shower. It looked great. But he hadn't touched the bath or toilet. I still had to stick my hand down it and scrub away with the bleach to get the toilet bowl white again. He just didn't get it, he'd worked so hard, and while I appreciated that, it actually didn't help me all that much.

Bless him though, he's lovely really.

Toomany i agree, separate sounds harder because you still have a household to manage, but it isnt because it relieves you of their mental load. I REFUSED to tell mine what to do as i dont see it as much better than just not doing anything, theres still that underlying assumption that you run the house. So before, i would for example not do the washing up. He would also not do it. So now it either piles up until social services gets involved, i have to initiate a row/tell him etc or i do it. None of them appeal. Now i still have washing up to do, but i just do it and theres zero drama. = nicer life.

Also no unexpected mess generation when you've just done everything.

I was the same. Dh works away too. I was working full time. I packed my job in.

Totally hear you. Coupled with 'you didn't remind me' as a so-called defence when called out on not doing things I've asked him a mere once to do. He's excellent at his job, but I always think it's as if he keeps his initiative locked up in his desk drawer at work.

I was that man. I did more than my share of household labour but little of the brainwork of assigning and managing tasks. I didn't realise how much emotional labour was involved in it.

What helped me was being talked through the whole process and supervised by someone who knows how to do it (and how they wanted it done) a couple of times. My "cleaning the kitchen" is not necessarily someone else's idea of cleaning the kitched. Then I was responsible for entire processes rather than being a freelance labourer. If there was stuff left over at the end (eg things where I didn't know their proper place or one-off jobs) I asked for the process for that, too, and asked DP to check my work.

The house is like a work environment in that everything is connected, one task leads to another and unless you know the whole lot, it's tough. The other issue I accepted was that if I am not responsible (ie in charge) of a particular process, it's up to DP to set the standards and me follow them, and vice versa.

The other thing that works really well is the ten minute timer. Both of use (plus DS) work solidly on housework for ten minutes, adding another five minutes at the end if required. It's fun to do it together and you get a lot done.

It's not that my dh does nothing and we split some tasks based on preferences, I am also happy to pick up the lion share as I am home more and he works full time. I would just love for him to use his own initiative to do some things to help. A tick list will not prompt him to see a task that clearly needs doing in front of his face and to complete it without my prompting -unfortunately!