Anything else sick of doing all the thinking with regards to their husbands?

[Purplehairdontcare]

I know this has been done to death on here but I need to vent.

I work part time, dh works full time. We have 2 dc. On my days off I have a toddler at home with me. I do all school/nursery drop off and pick ups.

As I work part time I fully accept that I'll end up doing more of the housework etc.

However, having 2dc, things don't just stop needing to be done on the days I work and at the weekends. In fact at weekends when everyone is home it very quickly ends up a tip.

I'm fucking sick to the back teeth of being asked "what needs to be done?".

Amongst many other things.

It seems to me that dh is only motivated when something needs to be done that affects him.

His favourite phrase is, ill do it in a minute, before swiftly falling asleep.

@OnlineAlienator

He worked 3 days (one of which was a weekend day) so he had 3 days at home with kids at school.

I worked full time.

I have less housework now than then!

You should play to your strengths. But don't accept that your "strengths" involve all the wifework because you're the woman.

I like the comic linked above, I liked the point where the woman says "When I took on a managing role at work I stopped having to do all of the tasks that I was now managing because it is considered too much to have to do both the managing and the tasks themselves." It's a simple way of thinking about it which shifts your perspective. Most men haven't been raised to consider all of the invisible work which goes into running a household, but most men are familiar with the concept that a manager is an essential role in a company and that it's important this is a separate role from the people doing the actual tasks.

If he's decent and he cares about your mental wellbeing then it is just a case of a perspective shift and he'll get it. That doesn't mean things will change overnight but at least you'd start singing from the same hymn sheet.

Last night we had friends coming over, just for a catch-up. I said to my husband "the house is a shit hole, I'd really like us to just tidy up a bit before they get here in an hour." he said "OK", then promptly sat down in the living room and fiddled about with his phone. It wasn't until I smashed something in the kitchen and started swearing loudly that he came out, said "why didn't you ask me to help?" and told me to go sit down while he vacuumed up the glass and poked it around the living room because I'm not well (I have a sinus infection and am 4 months pregnant so pretty exhausted). I had thought that telling him that "we" needed to tidy up was asking for his help, but apparently he needed me to specifically ask him to do things, which I was too tired to realise.

This year for Christmas presents I bought half of them and then handed him the half-completed list and told him to get cracking on the rest, I'd done my bit. Muhahahaha.

My solution was to dump the bastard. I'm not one to nag or ask several times, I would just do it myself. I did bring the matter up though, I didn't expect him to read my mind. Then at one point I though that if I have to do it all myself I might as well reduce my workload and have one less body to clean up around and after. Best decision I've ever made! [grin}

I really feel sorry for you.

I was useless at housework and I worked part time for years when offspring young. I got a lot of criticism too.

I say this tentatively but....... could you afford a cleaner once every ten days or so? I did that and was a godsend. Oh how lovely to come into the house after work and everything smelled nice, things clean and put away. Changed my life! I paid for the cleaner out of my earnings but, believe me, it was well worth it.

Mine was awful with everything - childcare, decision making, housework, Christmas, cooking, shopping, fun ideas, playing. You name it, he was shit at it. Unless, of course, it directly benefited him. There was a marked distinction between how well his memory operated when remembering worked for or against him. He excels at work. If he had the same flaws at work as he did at home he would be unemployed.

We are now divorced and life is sooooooooooooooooo much better. I hadn't realised how much I grew to actually hate him - someone I was supposed to love. He still grinds my gears all the time, expecting me to remind him of things with the kids whilst he never, ever forgets to go out with his mates, or bow to his superior social calendar. I still have to do everything with the kids and he has the bare minimum contact and pays minimum maintenance. But not having this soul sucking vampire in my life much is beyond liberating.

So yes, I know what you mean. Been there, will never go there again. All I can say is that if you still love him and positions are not entrenched, make cataclysmic changes now and stick to them. Once the resentment and contempt sets in that's it.

MiraculousMarinette - such a similar story here. My workload has dramatically reduced. His on the other hand...... hahahaha

Missebigens, mine moved back to him mum's at the grand age of 45. I feel sorry for her but not even a little bit for him!

My house is always clean and tidy now, food shop costs pence, bills are nothing like they used to be. Overall stress levels are zero!

I know where you coming from. My DH can never see anything that needs doing.

We got an app that we lost things like general to do. Shopping list. DIY stuff etc. Has made things a lot better as he doesn't have to ask me what he needs to be doing as it's already down. Called Todoist for apple devices

Fancycatpants that's what I do. I allocate him shit jobs like cleaning the oven. He will says he's not a child, so why does he fucking act like one and pretend like he doesn't know what needs to be done to run a household?

The other day I tried to get him to read our child's newsletter (he never has), I suggested that he logged all the diary dates in the calendar on his phone (you know like I do), he actually claimed he didn't know how to work the calendar.

Yes I have this rant on a regular basis (monthly but I'm sure that's just a coincidence!). In my calmer moments though I do recognise that I do it because im a control freak and what what I want done the way I want it done and if DH snowed initiative, it highly likely I'd tell him.he'd done it wrong or done the wrong thing.

My DH is similar. If our shared life was a workplace he'd be the office junior, possibly the work experience guy, and me the experienced person who's been there for years and knows exactly what's going on and makes sure everything happens.

We've been together 12 years.

I've had some limited success at sharing responsibility by setting up systems.

For example, every so often I write a 1-3 week meal plan, with accompanying shopping list that we just repeat until I can be bothered to write a new lot. Given this, he does the online shop and most of the cooking. He doesn't write meal plans himself, despite encouragement.

In the past I wrote out a cleaning rota and produced lists of all the tasks involved for each part. So cleaning the dining room would be 1) dust the surfaces with a damp cloth, 2) sweep the floor, etc. I thought he would be offended, but actually said he liked having a list to follow. My only problem was it fell on me to nag and remind him, and organise his time so he could actually do the thing on the rota.

We have a shared online to-do list. Although, of course, I need to nag him to do stuff on it. At least he's somewhat aware of this stuff that would just otherwise be in my own head.

I find buying a book about a subject, reading it, then raving about it, works too. He then reads it and it's like the book acts as an authority figure instead of me. I managed to get him to Kon-Mari his stuff so our baby would fit in the house.

I find he copies me a lot too. He took up exercising after I did, and coincidentally decided to take up the same sorts I do. If I stopped I know he would too (motivation to continue I guess).

We were talking recently about how he isn't happy with the situation either. He avoids control and responsibility in his life in many areas - holidays, extended family, finances, days out, presents. Even he is getting sick of being a back seat driver in his own life.

His mother controlled a lot at home. For example he wasn't allowed to make anything in the kitchen (even cereal), and he wasn't allowed to clean up something he had spilt. Even as a teenager. Somehow I've only just twigged this might be a factor, so am on the hunt for a good book on dealing with the effects of controlling parenting!

Many men are professionally competent, in some cases in complex jobs or at a senior level but when it comes to house or child work, they become incompetent.

Why is that? Basically they do not want to do it, some think it is beneath them or that it's 'women's work'. They hope by doing it badly enough/or not doing it at all, the woman will do it and never ask them again. Win/win for the man.

Few will change if they have been enabled by the woman from first moving in together and having children. If you can change yours into a functioning adult, all power to you.

Mine does whatever he is asked to do.

Which is fine. It would just be great if he could think for himself 'hey, I'm running out of socks, let's put a wash on' rather than waiting for me to instruct him to

I often find myself saying thank you after asking him if he'll wash the pots or whatever too.. as if I have to be thankful that he is washing dishes in his own house.

I can't complain too much as he does do a fair share (when asked) but it just goes to show how it is still instilled in modern life that women are the 'home makers'!

Silverysurfer - that is exactly what I think too. Hard to understand why someone who wants to be respected and desired as a man focuses so much energy on infantilising himself, expecting to be mothered. Nothing more pathetic and undesirable in my book than a man that thinks washing his own dishes and entertaining his own children is beneath him.

Completely agree about the half jobs. Puts a load of washing on but doesn’t hang it out afterwards. Never seen him sweep the kitchen floor. He’s so proud of himself because he ‘cleans the kitchen’ every Saturday morning. Only I do it 3 times a day!

Agree also about them finding random jobs.
People coming round? It’s really important hat he sorts out a random drawer (and makes more mess)
Going on holiday? Let’s not help with the packing and cleaning, let’s clean the garage! Then shout at me that it’s such mess and urgently needs doing.

Delatron cleaning the windows is mines go to random job when he should be doing something else more important.

Tinaturnipp😣. I bet he says ‘but don’t you want clean windows?!’ Not right now!

Shows an utter lack of appreciation of what needs to be done.

Also if we have people coming round at say 7pm. He gets in the shower at 6.55...

Some women insist on things being done than their husband wouldn't bother doing. It's usually that way around! Christmas cards being one, I know quite a few women moaning because they do all the Christmas cards, in-laws included. The reality is that their DH would not bother if their wive wasn't around. They didn't before, they still wouldn't know. No point playing martyr for self-inflicted chores.

I do ALL the school stuff - so there's no confusion, and my DH does ALL the sport/clubs stuff.

Everything is split that way, what's the point of asking or having to remember to remind him to do something? might as well do it myself otherwise.

*they wouldn't NOW

I'd love to know how to share the mental load of DC. My DH is good in other respects, but I can't work out how to share the mental load.

I got DH to sign up for DD1's school letter emails. He would then do things like texting me at 9.15 to say 'did you remember to send DD1 dressed as an armadillo today?' I found the too late reminders more annoying than him not being involved at all.

I think I'll struggle with all of the school stuff when we have two at school and have considered getting one of us to do all of the organising for one child each. But I can't bring myself to do it as I think he will let his one down and that would be horrible to watch.

Iamsusan there's no martyrdom here thanks, Christmas cards are the absolute least of my concern.

I'm talking about basic, essential, everyday tasks.

For example, dh put ds in the bath the other day. Dh informed me that there was poo in ds pants (from not wiping his bum properly at nursery). Dh asked me what to do with the pants, because he couldn't possibly think for himself.

I told dh to wash them on their own, dh said "ok, but I'll just put them in the washing basket for now".

Of course next time I come to stick on a load of washing, I find the poo pants still in the basket.

Delatron it's usually when he (once in a blue moon) decides that the house is too messy for his liking and so strops to himself about how 'we don't even clean the windows!!!!!!!!!' so will decide to furiously start cleaning them until he gets bored. All despite the fact I've spent all day doing the mundane, normal, every day tasks that go unnoticed.

Hate to break it to you but they’re like this at work as well.
Actually a lot of men aren’t very competent at their jobs, but they get away with it as men get an easy ride to positions of esteem and power.

Purplehairdontcare the Christmas card is an example.

But WHO is supposed to do the everyday basic tasks? I don't think it works so well in general when people haven't go defined roles, especially if they are not both working full time.

In an ideal world, yes your DH should think about doing the hand-washing by himself. I would have just chucked them in the general wash with napisan to be honest, so I wouldn't have hand-washed them either.

If your DH was dealing with ALL the laundry, it would realise after a few days/ weeks what works and what doesn't and would get more efficient.
It's the same with everything.

I don't buy that mental load stuff. If you leave the other one deal with something, he might mess up to start but he will have to step up eventually. If you forget something or do it wrong and deal with the consequences, you won't forget again. If your DH is always packing the nursery bag, you will have to ask him what not to forget, because you don't know.

DH area in the house is his responsibility, I am dealing with mine, and no one resents anyone else. I haven't got the faintest clue of the day the MOTs are due or the dogs needs to have a jab or other, it's not my problem. If DH needs me to drive the car to the garage for an MOT, he asks. Works for us.