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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Messaged friends at 0740 this morning

512 replies

Idontlikecheesecake · 11/12/2018 16:15

We’re moving house and had an offer accepted yesterday so im very excited. I was looking through my phone when i woke up this morning and thought id told my friends in a group chat, but i hadnt so i sent them a message. It was 0740, a time when most people are getting up/already up getting ready for work or getting kids ready for school etc so I thought it was ok.

Only one friend had seen it and she sent me a message saying ‘couldnt you have sent this a bit later when we’re more awake?’ I joked that im on the night shift tonight so i could send a message at 3am, and then she actually had a go at me over messenger (she even swore) saying how she got kicked in the leg by a horse and wanted to have a lie in and it wasn’t the right time for her phone to be pinging all the time.

I just said I wasn’t to know she’d been injured, it was a reasonable time as lots of people are getting ready for work etc, and if she didnt want to be disturbed she shpuld have her phone on silent or whatever. To which she replied she doesn’t normally get messages at that time so why should she? She then removed herself from the group and sent a mutual friend a messaged saying i had annoyed her.

It just feels like a really petty and childish argument. To me it feels like she’s dictating to everyone else when we should be sending messages and shes speaking for them about what a reasonable time should be. And im annoyed that she had a go at me over something so petty

Its also not just this argument. Shes blamed me for stuff before. Like just after Christmas we were all going round a friends house for takeaway and she wanted to go put for a meal, and she didnt want to come because i had upset her. All i did was explain to her that we cant really afford to go out for a meal and a takeaway is easier because of childcare etc

She also often declines invites to do things or cancels at the last minute wih some crappy excus. And then when we don’t invite her, she’ll write a passive aggressive message like ‘gee thanks for the invite’

Shes a fairweather friend and im done with her. AIBU? Ive been fed up for a while but feel like this is the last straw

OP posts:
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5
ThistleAmore · 12/12/2018 00:26

Although 'as somebody who works in IT', I just f*cked up the HTML shortcut there, which is mildly embarrassing. Wink

BruegeITheEIder · 12/12/2018 00:26

I talk to my friends on whatsapp every single day, so it would be a bit weird if they didn't tell me at the time tbh.

StoppinBy · 12/12/2018 00:45

I run my phone on silent all the time, Hubby turns his to silent when we go to bed.

If she doesn't want people annoying her then she should do the same.

People aren't mind readers and don't know what other people are up to, personally I think that is early but I received a message at 7am this morning, accidently slept through my alarm and found it when I woke up at 8:30, would have been handy if it woke me up haha.

JemSynergy · 12/12/2018 00:46

I send my friends messages at at around this time and I receive messages at this time too. A lot of my friends are mums therefore, have usually been up with one of their children for hours Smile or getting ready to leave for work therefore, never had a complaint about it being too early. My mobile is set not to have notification noise for whatsapp messages, I just have a little icon come up. I also have my phone on vibrate a lot so I don't really care what time a message is sent to me.

nanny2012nanny · 12/12/2018 00:54

This is why I silence all messages and what’s apps/ emails / app notifications all the time so my phone only ever rings.
If I don’t want to be disturbed I put it on silent or switch it off.
Your friend is being unreasonable some people are night owls others are early birds

bringincrazyback · 12/12/2018 00:58

She sounds like a crap friend, but imho that's way too early to send a non-urgent message.

HotInWinter · 12/12/2018 02:20

Right. I'm up.
DS1 is up.
Are you lot telling me I need to await 6 hrs to message anyone in the UK? What about my in laws, who are currently 5 times zones East? And my mate currently in the US? Can someone please work out when I can actually send a message, please??
And while we are at it, I go to bed at 10pm. So can you all stop messaging me after your dinner, because I want to sleep undisturbed through your evening.
Can those saying she was unreasonable not realise how ridiculous it sounds to some of us?

DeepanKrispanEven · 12/12/2018 02:44

It isn't ridiculous, HotInWinter. It's perfectly simple. Most people work on the basis that, other than in emergencies, they wouldn't phone someone else before around 9 a.m. or after 10 p.m. It's easy enough to apply the same rule to non-urgent texts.

ThistleAmore · 12/12/2018 03:00

@HotInWinter, remarkably enough, there is actually a point - more or less - when timelines coincide and we can kind of all do the same stuff, like texting or phoning or what have you.

Jeebus, am I taking crazy pills here or am I seriously out of line by NOT expecting people to text me before I've brushed my teeth, even? Is that now considered really selfish and out of line? At least let me put some pants on...

ThistleAmore · 12/12/2018 03:10

@Aridane

Lol - like a house purchase is minutiae and 7.40am is stupid o’clock

Yes. Yes, it is, for most people.

Buying a house is not curing cancer and at this time of year, it's still f*cking DARK at 7.40am.

Look, the OP bought a house (which apparently had been on the cards for months etc), whoopee, well done them etc.

It's not my job, even as your mate, to cast everything aside and launch into some kind of Grease montage just 'cos you've done a thing. I'm sleeping/going to work/wrangling toddlers etc. Tell me at 10am. That'll do.

And f*ck off with your 'lol'. What are you, 12?

Curious2468 · 12/12/2018 03:13

My friends and I often message each other at 2/3am and think nothing off it. If you don’t want to be disturbed by alerts just put the phone on silent. You didn’t do anything wrong.

HotInWinter · 12/12/2018 03:21

But I have brushed my teeth, made the kids lunch, got dressed.
For me, it's an acceptable time. Those of you in the UK will not agree with me - and I try not to start conversations at this time of day. But if something comes in over my night, I will reply (or forget!).

@ThistleAmore there is even a calculator online which will calculate suitable times. There is approx a 2 hour window each day when noone in that group is on "normal sleep hours". I'm doing the school run. Someone is likely to be sleeping when messages are sent.

Alfie190 · 12/12/2018 03:31

I think 7:40 is far too early to send a text and it was rude. I know most people would be up by then, but I still would not send any texts before 9am.

SoleBizzz · 12/12/2018 03:33

Can she not affird to have a mortgage because she has a horse?
You did niothing wrong and finds fault with you for jealous reason?

MaryShelley1818 · 12/12/2018 05:05

Absolutely nothing wrong with messaging at 7.40, it’s really not early. I keep my phone on silent and friends message at various hours - I’m often asleep by 8.30pm and wouldn’t expect other people to arrange their lives around my sleep pattern.
You’ve done nothing wrong OP.

ICJump · 12/12/2018 05:16

Personally 9-9 is normal contact hours and outside of that phones are for emergencies.

Messenger is slightly different as most of my friends have notifications switched off so I might send a PM

Patroclus · 12/12/2018 05:20

I think the horse made a good point.

stabulous · 12/12/2018 05:22

~jeremy Kyle theme tune~

Kisskiss · 12/12/2018 05:27

YANBU
She sounds like a massive pain in the behind.. like many previous posters have said.. silent mode on your phone is available !! She chose to send you an aggressive text back over something quite petty ..

On an aside I send and receive messages at all hours.. might be more careful about times now!!

mathanxiety · 12/12/2018 05:35

Congratulations on the offer and best wishes for your move!

Your friend is an idiot. Maybe the horse has kicked her in the head a few times?

fadehead
The whole POINT of texts is that you reply when you are able to / want to surely?! How can you possibly know all the rules of everyone’s acceptable texting particulars?! Do you have a spreadsheet?!!...If you don’t want your phone pinging, put it on silent or DND surely?
THIS ^^

It's not my job, even as your mate, to cast everything aside and launch into some kind of Grease montage just 'cos you've done a thing. I'm sleeping/going to work/wrangling toddlers etc. Tell me at 10am. That'll do.
See above, ThistleAmore
The way it works is you get to your texts when the sun is up and you are not wrangling toddlers or whatever, and respond at that point if you feel like it. Nobody minds if you don't answer promptly. Everyone understands you might be busy or couldn't be arsed.

shearwater · 12/12/2018 05:58

That's what the silence button is for.

Not an option for a lot of people, sadly.

The "Mute" button in WhatsApp for that group is an option for everyone using the app though, even if they want to receive other messages.

Groovee · 12/12/2018 06:14

I often text that early as I start work at 8. My phone is on Do No Disturb for a set time. Certain people like my mums get through as my dad has taken ill at night.

Asking me to text at 9am is pointless. I'm not allowed my phone on me at work, so people would have to wait til I'm finished.

Hohocabbage · 12/12/2018 07:00

I wonder if there is an age thing - if you grew up with only landlines then it would be drummed into you that after a certain time (9 ish for us) it would be too late to call and again too early before 9 or so. Though even on landlines some people call too early or late, as I’ve seen threads about this on here. I suppose good manners means sometimes accepting that not everyone does what you do - your phone on silent? Everyone else’s must be too! You send texts in the small hours? Must be ok then! But your friend overall does not sound like much of a friend, that’s a separate issue.

Ollivander84 · 12/12/2018 07:03

I use so not disturb. It only allows calls though from my parents landline and my dads mobile. That's it

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 12/12/2018 07:08

I have no sympathy for people who sleep next to their phone with it on loud and then complain about being woken. Put it on silent.

740 is not early and it wouldn't matter if it was. I often reply to texts at that time as I don't look at my phone when I'm at work.

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