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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Messaged friends at 0740 this morning

512 replies

Idontlikecheesecake · 11/12/2018 16:15

We’re moving house and had an offer accepted yesterday so im very excited. I was looking through my phone when i woke up this morning and thought id told my friends in a group chat, but i hadnt so i sent them a message. It was 0740, a time when most people are getting up/already up getting ready for work or getting kids ready for school etc so I thought it was ok.

Only one friend had seen it and she sent me a message saying ‘couldnt you have sent this a bit later when we’re more awake?’ I joked that im on the night shift tonight so i could send a message at 3am, and then she actually had a go at me over messenger (she even swore) saying how she got kicked in the leg by a horse and wanted to have a lie in and it wasn’t the right time for her phone to be pinging all the time.

I just said I wasn’t to know she’d been injured, it was a reasonable time as lots of people are getting ready for work etc, and if she didnt want to be disturbed she shpuld have her phone on silent or whatever. To which she replied she doesn’t normally get messages at that time so why should she? She then removed herself from the group and sent a mutual friend a messaged saying i had annoyed her.

It just feels like a really petty and childish argument. To me it feels like she’s dictating to everyone else when we should be sending messages and shes speaking for them about what a reasonable time should be. And im annoyed that she had a go at me over something so petty

Its also not just this argument. Shes blamed me for stuff before. Like just after Christmas we were all going round a friends house for takeaway and she wanted to go put for a meal, and she didnt want to come because i had upset her. All i did was explain to her that we cant really afford to go out for a meal and a takeaway is easier because of childcare etc

She also often declines invites to do things or cancels at the last minute wih some crappy excus. And then when we don’t invite her, she’ll write a passive aggressive message like ‘gee thanks for the invite’

Shes a fairweather friend and im done with her. AIBU? Ive been fed up for a while but feel like this is the last straw

OP posts:
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5
MilkyCuppa · 11/12/2018 21:12

The simple fact is that people are entitled to lie in occasionally
I agree. So if she wants to lie in she should take the initiative and put her phone on silent. Not expect everone else to magically know that she’s lying in and not contact her.

She may have had good reasons for not being able to put her phone on silent, she may simply have forgotten
Then that’s HER fault, nobody else’s.

Blackness78 · 11/12/2018 21:16

When a bunch of strangers on the internet are more enthusiastic about your move, than your real-life friend, I reckon it tells you all you need to know.

TemptressofWaikiki · 11/12/2018 21:20

No wonder the horse kicked her with that crappy attitude....

Runningishard · 11/12/2018 21:31

I use DND but allow calls/messages from my son, partner and parents

BoneyBackJefferson · 11/12/2018 21:35

MagnificentSevenHeaven
They don't wake me up because I have a bigger IQ than my phone & it works for me, not the other way round....

MilkyCuppa
Are people really so stupid that they think they can’t put their phones on mute in case they get an emergency call?

Stop being so thick and learn to use your phones instead of blaming other people!

Maybe you both should stop making assumptions and drop the high and mighty attitude?

The responsibility for sending messages lies with the sender. If it really isn't so important that it doesn't have to be read for hours why send it?
If you are worried about forgetting it, set a reminder on your phone.

But here is a really clever thing that your phone can do. set it up so that it sends a message when people want to receive them.

Alaaya · 11/12/2018 21:37

BoneyBackJefferson - so you really think it's reasonable to expect everyone to be aware of the rest of the world's personal preferences re: phones and messages instead of all of us being aware of our own preferences and setting our boundaries accordingly?

MadisonAvenue · 11/12/2018 21:40

7.40? That sounds a reasonable time to send a message. Generally people are up and getting on with their day at that time.

MilkyCuppa · 11/12/2018 21:45

The responsibility for sending messages lies with the sender.
Nope. The responsibility lies with the owner of the phone to turn it off if they don’t want to be disturbed. I can’t possibly be expected to know the schedules of everyone in the world and what time they’re having a nap.

BoneyBackJefferson · 11/12/2018 21:46

Alaaya

But we aren't talking about the rest of the world?
We are talking about your friends.
And if these people are your friends why wouldn't you know about their preferences and lives?

These are people that we profess to care about, yet apparently think nothing of sending messages at what they consider silly times.

You talk about setting our own boundaries but posting things as and when you feel like it, isn't having a boundary its having no filter.

FYI for those that have been condescending in their replies. I have a phone that now automatically goes to DND at a set time, it receives and alarms for only priority calls.

But best of all it has filter and block facilities that gets use for people that can't help but send spam messages at stupid times.

BoneyBackJefferson · 11/12/2018 21:49

MilkyCuppa

Why do you need to know what the rest of the world id doing, just what time your friends prefer to be called/messaged/whatapp'd etc.

PouchofDouglas · 11/12/2018 21:50

You want quiet? Turn your phone off

Smith888 · 11/12/2018 21:52

Congratulations! I would be pleased someone considered me such a good friend to share their wonderful news no matter what time!

Alaaya · 11/12/2018 22:04

BoneyBackJefferson - are you genuinely claiming that every single person you might message via Facebook is someone you know the daily routine of, including variations?

sophisticatedsarcasm · 11/12/2018 22:07

Sometimes I get messages at 6am, I wake up at the weekend with around 5/6 messages, either ignore it or turn your phone on silent. Sounds like dramatic overreaction. Maybe she’s jealous?

BoneyBackJefferson · 11/12/2018 22:11

Alaaya

Being that facebook isn't an app that I have linked to my phone, I can safety say yes.

MiniMum97 · 11/12/2018 22:15

She's being ridiculous and from your other examples sounds like she likes to create a bit of drama. Personally I would distance myself. You can send texts and emails at any time. The idea is that you check them when you are able. If you don't want to be disturbed you put your phone on silent or turn it off.

I get marketing texts in the middle of the night! I can't believe she's never recd a message at an inconvenient time before!

decemberfrost · 11/12/2018 22:17

I would bin her as a friend, she sounds awful.

YANBU. Texting at that time was OK.

WilburforceRaven · 11/12/2018 22:18

I hate mornings. The only thing I hate worse are morning people. So I set my phone so only select contacts will wake me. Job done.

onefootinthegrave · 11/12/2018 22:21

Some of us want/have to keep our phones on incase of emergencies - when my nan was in a care home I was the point of contact and was sometimes called at 6am when she was unwell/had a fall. No way could I have put my phone on do not disturb/silent. I think that is too early to text/call someone unless it's something that needs to be discussed within the next few hours.

I don't know why so many people feel that we all have to be available to each other 24 hours a day. If you don't know if someone's happy to get whatsapps/texts etc before 9am or after 9pm err on the side of caution and wait!

DiseasesOfTheSheep · 11/12/2018 22:21

I won't use DND in case there's an issue with my horses as they're currently on livery, not at home. Early texts / messages do annoy me - I work odd hours, so 7:40 may wake me up. I don't get shitty with people who send them - I just ignore them, or mute the conversation until I feel like it...

onefootinthegrave · 11/12/2018 22:27

Actually reading some of these replies it's quite depressing how selfish people have become. Mobile phones can be a blessing or a curse, and if anyone in my phonebook had the attitude of some of you which is 'if you don't want to to read my message at whatever time I want to send it, put your phone on silent', they would be blocked. But luckily my friends aren't selfish or entitled. I'm clearly blessed!

Alaaya · 11/12/2018 22:32

BoneyBackJefferson - I wasn't asking about your phone. I was asking about Facebook in general. Eh. I guess this is one of these weird divides where one side views people who message any time other than during working hours as rude and the other side view people who get terribly shirty about this as a bit self absorbed and precious and never the twain shall meet!

IamSusan · 11/12/2018 22:33

you are also clearly blessed if you are not on any spam marketing list. I received unwanted random nonsense txt or emails in the middle of the night, despite telling them many times to delete me from their list.

There is never a convenient time to contact people, so it's a bit arrogant to assume your 9 to 5 is not going to disturb them. I can think of a couple of new mums who are asleep between 9 and 10am when their babies are having their morning naps having been up since 4 or 5am! And that's only an example.

BoneyBackJefferson · 11/12/2018 22:43

Alaaya

If we are switching to facebook, why would I message someone that I don't know?

"self absorbed and precious"

Strangely I consider those that think that everyone needs to know what they are doing when they are doing it "self absorbed and precious" more so than rude.

But yes I agree that this is one of those divides where "never the twain shall meet"

hiddeneverythin · 11/12/2018 22:43

It's still quite early if you are childless and don't have a 9-5 job. One of my friends regularly messages the group chat around 6:30am and that's too early. I keep my phone on silent but the vibration still wakes me up