This is a difficult one. Not sure how to handle it without setting off WW3

[FuckOffAndWriteYourOwnArticles]

Bit of background: I am married to DH. We have two DCs who are 3 and 6. My SIL (DH’s sister) has a 2.5 year old DC by a married man who she is still having an affair with. To make it even worse, we very tenuously know the wife of the married man. One of the mums of a kid in my eldest DC’s class knows her. Oh, SIL and her DC live with MIL. MIL is widowed.

Okay, so the married man (MM) that SIL is having an affair with is going to be meeting SIL and her DC over at my MIL’s over Christmas for a secret ‘family’ get together. They’ve done this before but we’ve never had anything to do with it in the past. But this year SIL wants us to come over with our DCs so that the cousins can be together —and she can delude herself that she has a normal family—

I’d be uncomfortable about this anyway, because I find the whole thing a bit grubby. But what’s really pissed me off is that SIL said to DH that our DCs must be sworn to secrecy and can’t say anything about seeing MM at MIL’s house (because of the school mum connection).

I want to say a blanket ‘no way’ to the whole thing. My children are not going to be dragged into a dirty shagging lie. But DH is all ‘don’t be so judgemental’ and he and his mum are getting defensive of SIL and they think I’m implying his family are all Jeremy Kyle scum and I’m superior.

It’s all getting a bit political and I don’t know if I should just cave and agree to it because the DCs probably won’t even register MM and it’ll all be fine. AIBU to stick to my guns because of the principle? If I do, it’ll mean bad blood between me and MIL and also likely DH for a while.

Have you managed to get yourself and DC out of the fake Christmas OP?

“I hate all this 'Don't judge them' stuff. Actually of course anyone would judge someone for something like this, it would be impossible not to”

Maybe, but you can judge and keep it to yourself. The OP wants to avoid WW3, as she says, and her DH and MIL are being unusefully focussed in her judgement rather than the actual issue which is her kids being asked to keep a secret.

You can't ask kids to keep secrets.
Not just because you won't but as a pp said to protect them. They have to be told not to keep secrets for adults and if some says "don't tell""they must tell.

How will you be able to look the school mum in the eye again? I think this has already been mentioned.

Does the MM ever attend school events? What would happen if your DCs said hello to him, we saw you on Christmas Day and the school mum asked you why they’d said that?

I will agree that the swearing the kids to secrecy is the most naive aspect of this plans. But what you’ve said about SIL shows that she is nothing but naive.

She must know, deep down, that what she is doing is reprehensible, selfish and stupid. The reason she is so sensitive to judgement is that in her heart of hearts she knows that she has done the wrong thing and has fucjed up her life and the life of her child to chase a dream that’s actually a nightmare. If he wanted to be with her then he would be. It is as simple as that.

My step-brother was made to lie for decades and keep a secret for his mother that hid his younger brother’s parentage from him. He now spends no time with his mother’s family. They are totally alienated because of the lies. This is the house of cards your SIL is building for herself.

Hi everyone. I agree with almost everything that’s been said on this thread (except that I should tell the wife, but I have good reasons for why not).

This was good advice:

You do need to remove your judginess over SIL and MM from the situation because this is what his family are reacting to

That’s what I’ve done. I talked to DH and said it’s not fair to ask the kids to lie, it’s a safeguarding issue (which he couldn’t argue with at all), and if they accidentally let something slip and it did all blow up (no matter how unlikely) then it’s an awful thing for them to have on their shoulders. He agreed with me on all of it and so we’re not going now. MIL was a bit catsbum mouth about it by all accounts. I think she thinks that I think I’m too above it all (which I do! Tbh). I think SIL understood about the kids and is disappointed but okay with it.

This thread made me realise that I don’t actually know if SIL’s DC knows MM is their father or not. MM is always referred to by his first name in front of the DC. But I realised that doesn’t necessarily mean DC doesn’t or won’t know. I’ve never asked actually. It’s weird. I do know for a fact he doesn’t pay maintenance though. The shit bag. Because once in a blue moon he’ll give SIL a wad of £20 notes so she can feel all special and she flashes it in front of us and MIL says stuff like ‘see he looks after you and DC’, like he’s some mega generous guy. Honestly, the total absence of any self esteem and the contentment with the most meagre scraps this man chooses to throw them. It’s really tragic. I can say that here but I wouldn’t say it to them.

Anyway, we’ll get the cousins together over at ours over Xmas and MM and MIL and SIL can crack on with their own weird little gathering. I don’t want any part in it.

Oh yeah I meant to say that I really do get what people are saying about DH not being particularly fussed about it all.

If I’m honest it does worry me that all this kind of thing is his ‘normal’. Maybe his boundaries regarding this kind of thing aren’t the same as mine.

But then again, he didn’t really ask to be involved in this situation. SIL brought it to the family and he’s just being loyal to her and MIL. He’s hardly the kind of person to take a really moral hardline and cut them off forever. Also, he grew up in a household with a violent, drunk for a dad and DH is absolutely nothing like him at all. The complete opposite it fact. So it doesn’t necessarily follow that he’d be influenced that easily.

Well handled OP have a fab MM free Xmas

Glad you sorted out the situation op, sounds like your solution will work well.

Glad it’s sorted, and that you got it sorted with your DH on the same page.

Result!

I get your DHs loyalty. But surely if he was so protective and loyal of his sister, he wouldnt ever allow a man to treat her like this! Especially after jes seen his own dad be such a dick to his mum. Surely he knows she deserves better? That the child deserves an actual dad and not some dirty dickhead with some money?!

My eldest is 6 and I wouldn't trust him to keep it secret even if I tried my best to make him. (He'd probably actually go round school telling everyone and swearing them all to secrecy in their turn). I would be willing to go though, I think it's nice for the cousins to have christmas's together.

I think sil is being clever (with suffix dick) she would love dc to tell at school & blame you & your dc for letting secret out so wife kicks him out & moves in with sil - she of course wont be responsible

But surely if he was so protective and loyal of his sister, he wouldnt ever allow a man to treat her like this!

But DH is suffering from the same delusion as women who go from a physically abusive marriage to an emotionally abusive one. MM isnt as bad as their dad so that means he is "ok". He doesnt raise his hand to SIL, he chucks her a few quid occasionally, he takes her away sometimes so he is many many times better than their Dad.

We can see that that doesnt make him a good man, but MIL, SIL and DH are so used to a complete bastard that they probably cant see that "not as bad" doesnt mean "good guy".

I agree with PP's about swearing a 6 year-old to secrecy being an impossibility. One little treasure I taught was told that mummy was going to have another baby; very exciting news, but we're not telling everybody yet (early days) so not to speak to anybody at school about it. He was as good as gold and didn't utter a word. Just wrote it in his newsbook instead. I didn't know the back story until I congratulated her only to be told it was not supposed to be generally known yet. In this instance, perfectly harmless and said baby duly arrived safely! This is your ironclad excuse if asked to collude.
SIL has a child of her own, and must know deep down that she is asking the impossible, and is feeling very conflicted about it all, however hard she tries to justify it to herself. Subconsciously, she would like the situation forced into the open. Stand back and let whatever will happen, happen.

Well done OP.

i was your kids in this Situation many years ago, playing happy families with the kids of an affair.

It was deeply weird and totally fucked my moral compass for years.

Small children should never be asked to keep secrets, because of all the safeguarding issues around abusers and their tendency to ask for stuff to be 'our little secret.'

However, to young kids, what adults do and say is mostly... not that interesting. Little kids don't give a toss about monogamy/betrayal/affairs/sex - that's all boring grown-up stuff that is no where near as important as what's happening on CBeebies at the moment. So you could go for a meal with your MIL/SIL/kids as long as it';s on the understanding that your DC will not be asked to keep secrets and that it's at SIL's own risk if the DC accidentally give anything away.

Of course, at some point, there is going to be appalling fallout, when the SIL's DC finds out about his/her paternity (there is hardly anything worse you can do to a child than lie about their conception. It always comes out, and the child never forgives the liars, because there is no greater betrayal than to mislead children for the whole of their lives.) But it's not up to you to instigate this fallout. Right now, you shoving your beak in and 'telling the truth'; will make a mess to no purpose.

The whole idea was ridiculous from the outset. The children can ‘get together’ anytime, it’s not even like he has custody of the child and it was a rare opportunity for the children to meet up. Given how disinterested the MM is in his own child, I doubt he cares about seeing your DC (sorry).

Your SIL is a complete idiot and your MIL isn’t any better enabling her like that. Your SIL needs someone (like your DH) to ask her why she’s settling for crumbs from this twat.

If SIL or MIL say any more about him, I’d lose patience and point out all of the reasons it’s a fucking awful and ridiculous situation and how he’s not a prince among men chucking her the odd few quid.

Jesus wept.

His poor wife.

You know, all of you monogamy policers, maybe the wife is an absolute cunt? There are people who have affairs because their 'official' partner is horrible and has them so enmeshed either financially or psychologically that they can't leave. Yes, it sounds like a messy situation, but I can also see why OP's H wants to keep the peace - for the sake of that DC.

And people who start trumpeting about how their own 'moral compass' entitles them to go barging in to a situation that isn't actually any of their fucking business are people who need a good kick in the face. Having some officious twat who believes that HONESTY IS SOOO IMPORTANT blab other people's secrets all over the place generally makes a tricky situation much worse.

You just have to ask any nursery class or infant class teacher about "family secrets" that the children tell them when they are at school

There are no secrets from family homes that the staff at nursery or infant schools don't get told

Not RTFT so this may have been said but.... what a fucked up situtuon. What if your kid is invited to the birthday party of the kid in their class who is also the kid of their cousins dad? How would that even work? Everyone would just pretend they didn’t know one another? Fucking hell.

I would be telling the wife anonymously too.

Narr, SGB - if he was selfless man putting his DCs first, and sticking with a terrible wife until his DCs were older, he'd care enough about his DC with the SIL to pay regular childmaintenance, rather than throw a load of cash (and it's telling it's cash, not a bank transfer that could be noticed by a wife) once in a while.

I don't think it's the OP's position to tell the wife, I do, however, think she is under no moral obligation to keep the secret. (That includes not feeling you have to lie that you don't know him to mutual friends).

If the SIL wanted it to be kept secret, she shouldn't have gone round telling people. I wonder if the MM knows her family all know, and there's a connection with his wife's friend.

" he wouldnt ever allow a man to treat her like this! "

What is he supposed to do?

She's an adult leading her own life!

I just think it’s sad that your DH and MIL are going along with it! I hope the poor wife finds out soon, what a horrible mess and what a dick her husband is. I would in no way be going or letting my kids go, and I’d be very angry at my husband for going.

SGB

Even if we accept your statement as true, the fact remains that this man has a child he doesn't support and with whom he doesn't have much of a relationship. That's reprehensible.