This is a difficult one. Not sure how to handle it without setting off WW3

[FuckOffAndWriteYourOwnArticles]

Bit of background: I am married to DH. We have two DCs who are 3 and 6. My SIL (DH’s sister) has a 2.5 year old DC by a married man who she is still having an affair with. To make it even worse, we very tenuously know the wife of the married man. One of the mums of a kid in my eldest DC’s class knows her. Oh, SIL and her DC live with MIL. MIL is widowed.

Okay, so the married man (MM) that SIL is having an affair with is going to be meeting SIL and her DC over at my MIL’s over Christmas for a secret ‘family’ get together. They’ve done this before but we’ve never had anything to do with it in the past. But this year SIL wants us to come over with our DCs so that the cousins can be together —and she can delude herself that she has a normal family—

I’d be uncomfortable about this anyway, because I find the whole thing a bit grubby. But what’s really pissed me off is that SIL said to DH that our DCs must be sworn to secrecy and can’t say anything about seeing MM at MIL’s house (because of the school mum connection).

I want to say a blanket ‘no way’ to the whole thing. My children are not going to be dragged into a dirty shagging lie. But DH is all ‘don’t be so judgemental’ and he and his mum are getting defensive of SIL and they think I’m implying his family are all Jeremy Kyle scum and I’m superior.

It’s all getting a bit political and I don’t know if I should just cave and agree to it because the DCs probably won’t even register MM and it’ll all be fine. AIBU to stick to my guns because of the principle? If I do, it’ll mean bad blood between me and MIL and also likely DH for a while.

it’s a massive leap to assume that the other children are A, going to make this connection between what they believe to be a family friend and the wife who is the mother of one of the children they’re at school with.

The children won't make the connection, but very likely classmate's mother will, if it comes out in the course of conversation.

'What did you do in the holidays, Jimmy?'
'We went to see Grandma and Auntie Jo and her little boy and we met Auntie Jo's friend Alex who supports Arsenal and has a silver Audi' - or whatever distinguishing features a 6yo might latch on to.

And then one more person is dragged into something they didn't want to be a part of.

I think the whole ‘don’t judge’ thing is really harmful to women actually.

There’s a story in my husbands family about one of their family friends ex wives who left because he was beating her up and it’s all ‘we don’t know the whole story’ bollocks.

The idea that you can’t say when a situation is wrong only helps the person doing the wrongdoing.

You don't really need to give a reason for not wanting to go. "That doesn't work for us." Just be a broken record. "I told you that doesn't work for us." "But WHYYY?" "It just doesn't work for us."

"No" is a complete sentence.

Frankly, I find this whole thing disgusting and would never want to be a party to any type of deception.

Your SIL is clearly a dimwit. Your husband playing along is eyebrow easing to say the least.

What if MM did the school run and your child pipes up ''You can't be x's daddy, he is my cousin's daddy''.

This would be easy for me - I know that's easy for me to say but it would, actually.

Your kids are not attending any event where they are expected to lie in the way that is being asked of them. Nope.

If you WANT to soften it I would just say that you would never be able to rely on your kids not spill the beans, it's not an age appropriate expectation, and you don't feel that it's fair they're caught up in it all. You don't care what she does as an adult - that's her look out. If SILs MM splits up with his wife properly and they get together, that's another story. You won't bear a grudge to the end of days.

I mean - this is doing your DH a favour and you may not WANT to do this for lots of good reasons (that I would agree with.)

But if you want to solve the issue on a short term basis, this might be a solution.

The thing is, he isn't a good catch though is he? He is a lying adulterous shit who is deceiving his wife and deceiving his own child . He is unlikely to divorce his wife as it would harm him financially and he doesn't contribute towards his child from the illicit relationship. Hardly a catch. Your SIL is a mug who appears to be happy with the odd scrap he throws to her. Wouldn't let my children have any part in this. Mr Smug is onto a winner but no one else is

Simple, you cannot ask the children to keep a secret. Dont go

I feel so sad for the little child. Not only are they denied a father, they're denied a wider family because of his selfishness. There's nothing you can do and keeping out of it is wise if he's around, if you were to do Christmas with everyone but MM it would be fine, but this is just dreadful. It's not fair on anyone, especially the little one.

If I’ve got this right, your 6 year old’s classmate’s mum knows the MM’s wife? How would this get back to her?

Yes that’s right. And it probably would be fine and never get back to her. But it’s the fact that my DCs are expected to lie that’s pissed me off. And DH thinks I’m being ‘judgemental’ because I’m threatening to kick off.

There have been almost unanimously helpful responses on this thread that have helped me keep my cool.

Re: telling the wife. I just couldn’t. It would hurt too many people that I love and in turn, that would hurt me and potentially permanently damage my closest relationships. Selfishly, that’s not a price I’m willing to pay just so that some random woman I’ve never met can know the truth.

The thing is, he isn't a good catch though is he? He is a lying adulterous shit who is deceiving his wife and deceiving his own child

Yeah you’re quite right. The thing is though, SIL would never ever bag a man like him in the ‘real world’. He’s only with her because she lets him get his end away whenever he wants and he gets off Scot free. MIL and SIL are impressed by him because he has money. Although it’s like ‘dentist’ money. He’s hardly a footballer or anything.

That is gross and fucked up and I wouldn't want myself or my children dragged into their stupid selfish immature little affair.

do none of them think the child is 'worth' child support?

Do you know what, that is one of the things I find the grossest of all. I can’t imagine not fighting for what’s rightfully owed to my child.

Re: telling the wife. I just couldn’t. It would hurt too many people that I love and in turn, that would hurt me and potentially permanently damage my closest relationships. Selfishly, that’s not a price I’m willing to pay just so that some random woman I’ve never met can know the truth.

I dont understand..... How would it hurt people you love? SIL would get dumped sure, but sounds like he is no father to her child so the child wouldnt lose anything. You could easily contact her anonymously and tell her that he has a child with another woman who he is still seeing. You could name SIL (but not the child obviously) and then leave the info with the wife. You could say that you found out via a friends husband or something. No one need ever know it was you, these things have a habit of getting out eventually anyway.

I wouldn't get involved at all

Your DH's family can dress this up anyway they want, but The situation is grubby and sordid and morally wrong, if you go to the Xmas thing with the full knowledge of the situation ( which you have got), then that makes you part of the conspiracy of lies against the wife and family of the MM. You must stand your ground and not attend this or ask you children to lie or else they unwittingly become part of it too. Being 'judgemental' about it is right, as long as you keep your opinions to your self when it doesn't concern you, however being asked to collude in this with your children is a 'judgement' call. Don't let in the dark, good luck op.

People clearly aren’t actually reading the thread. The OP has stated that the cousin doesn’t know this man is his dad therefore her children don’t know that he’s their dad. So none of the children is going to blurt out that that’s their cousin’s daddy. So again I am failing to see the issue here.

This man is sold as a family friend. Even if the children go round there and let slip to a school friend that they saw it’s easily explained because he’s a family friend. So no issue there?

As for the OP telling the wife. The OP doesn’t owe her anything. It’s easy to sit there and say that she should,but it’s not that simple. She has her reasons for not telling the wife and those are her own.

What an utter bastard. He denies paternity to the child and doesn't provide child support. What a total shit.
I hope you can manage to use one of excuses above to get out of it.

It is Super Jeremy Kyle. Is your dh really comfortable with telling your children it is OK to have relationships with married people?

FWIW the children would have no reason to say anything ever unless they were told not to. Then it becomes a thing that a six year old will want to tell desperately. For that reason alone though I'd bring them and wait for them to spill the beans to the friend's mum.

Can you imagine raising a child and telling that child they have no father while all the while you're still shagging him? How sad.

And one more thing, what's the point of bagging a rich guy when he leaves you broker?

It’s not so much that the children will clearly know who the Dad is though is it. It’s wanting the OP and her kids to collaborate in upholding this secret.

Kids will remember.

The poor nephew and poor wife.

Your husband is a fool to be supporting this farce. I feel so, so sorry for your niece/nephew who is stuck being raised by deluded fools. S/he won't thank the when s/he's older for being lied to all his/her life, treated as an occasional meal/car ride ticket by hr mother, and missing out on an actual parental relationship with and support by his/her father.

Do not let your children get sucked into this mess. Don't ask them to keep such a secret either. It's not being judgemental; it's being sane!

have you asked you dh what your going to tell the kids.because will they too grow up being lied to about who this man is?then this will hrurt them you kept it from them.or being asked to form a relationship woth cousin when they are lying to them if they are told.
god I cant imagine how this will hit the fan.that many years and a child.the poor wife.becasue this isn't even an affair hes just got two marriages really have his cake and eating it from two different sources.
at that age they don't have the emotional ways to desifer between a "good" lie and bad and the trust and who to turn to will be all to confusing for them as they are asked so often not to lie especailly/or not to people they love and especially then on top of that about something bad happening.hwo will they compute this.