This is a difficult one. Not sure how to handle it without setting off WW3

[FuckOffAndWriteYourOwnArticles]

Bit of background: I am married to DH. We have two DCs who are 3 and 6. My SIL (DH’s sister) has a 2.5 year old DC by a married man who she is still having an affair with. To make it even worse, we very tenuously know the wife of the married man. One of the mums of a kid in my eldest DC’s class knows her. Oh, SIL and her DC live with MIL. MIL is widowed.

Okay, so the married man (MM) that SIL is having an affair with is going to be meeting SIL and her DC over at my MIL’s over Christmas for a secret ‘family’ get together. They’ve done this before but we’ve never had anything to do with it in the past. But this year SIL wants us to come over with our DCs so that the cousins can be together —and she can delude herself that she has a normal family—

I’d be uncomfortable about this anyway, because I find the whole thing a bit grubby. But what’s really pissed me off is that SIL said to DH that our DCs must be sworn to secrecy and can’t say anything about seeing MM at MIL’s house (because of the school mum connection).

I want to say a blanket ‘no way’ to the whole thing. My children are not going to be dragged into a dirty shagging lie. But DH is all ‘don’t be so judgemental’ and he and his mum are getting defensive of SIL and they think I’m implying his family are all Jeremy Kyle scum and I’m superior.

It’s all getting a bit political and I don’t know if I should just cave and agree to it because the DCs probably won’t even register MM and it’ll all be fine. AIBU to stick to my guns because of the principle? If I do, it’ll mean bad blood between me and MIL and also likely DH for a while.

How can they be playing happy families if the little girl doesn't even know that he is her dad just a family friend?

Is there even a "cachet" to shagging a rich man? Isn't that like prostituting yourself?

isn't the sil also thinking how her poorl little one wil be treated by the whole community if they are all friends with the wife.as the mistresses child it wont be nice.especaillyif on top of that she never new!
does her mum seem to care about her at all?

This man is sold as a family friend. Even if the children go round there and let slip to a school friend that they saw it’s easily explained because he’s a family friend. So no issue there?

Until school friend's mum innocently says to her friend, the MM's wife 'I didn't know [your DH] knew [SIL and her family]. How did he meet them?

Honestly you not telling the wife is hypocritical as hell...

It seems you enjoy sitting back and judging everyone “supporting” your sil but that’s it, you’re not doing anything either. No one thinks what MM is doing is right, they’re just trying to help SIL the best they can. Whereas you seem to like to feel above them all while being no better.

I do think you need to tell the wife. I get that it will cause some family issues, but look at it this way.

Your SIL might well not be the only woman he's cheating with. He might not be her only partner. He could have brought home an STI to his innocent wife. If they have another baby, the baby could become infected as well.

On top of that, your nephew has the right to be supported by his father. Parental responsibility doesn't just not exist because the child is the product of an affair.

Yes, it will cause some problems, but it sounds as if this is already an "open secret". Sooner or later it will come out.

I agree, the dcs just have to mention that they know "MM", he's aunty Xs friend, he came to our family get together at Christmas. Most people would question why MM was there but not his wife and kids if he's a friend of the family...

The wife probably knows he's having an affair, who it's with and that there's a baby is less likely to be known, particularly if he's paying not maintenance.

I'd go with "The dcs won't be able to lie or understand they can't say they've met MM at their grans house, so it's best they meet up with their cousin another day."

I’ve deliberately not said some specific details because I know how these threads turn up on tabloid websites. But you’ll just have to trust me when I say there is a genuine reason why I won’t tell the wife. Too many people would be affected and I wouldn’t want to be the person that blew it all up. I guess I could do it anonymously but how would I prove it without giving myself away?

I agree with every word Happystripper.

Seems you want to judge on behalf of the wife but not to actually help her if there's any cost to you.

Not covering yourself in glory.

Actually does SIL know there's a connection with MM and if dc1 chats at school, MM is also a friend of their family?

Perhaps explain to her why if she wants it to be kept secret, it's best the dcs don't meet him as SILs friend.

It might help her understand that if she wants it to stay secret, she can't keep increasing the people who know.

If the MM is "famous", even very peripherally, then the older child might well boast to people that MM is his "uncle". If he is a local sport personality, politician, etc...then its very possible that the whole thing will unravel from there.

Seems you want to judge on behalf of the wife but not to actually help her if there's any cost to you.

Potentially ruining her own family life to help a person she literally doesn't even know doesn't make her a terrible person. You're assuming the woman even wants to know (or doesn't know already).

Or that the other woman would even believe her!

I guess I could do it anonymously but how would I prove it without giving myself away?

You dont need to. You give the wife the information, that he is having an affair with SIL and is the father of her toddler child, and then leave it with her. What she does after that is up to her. You dont need to prove anything.

I fell out with Family years ago over a close family member’s secret relationship. I was so so so fucking furious and disgusted that I threatened to tell if they didn’t come out with it, and refused the fake Christmas and cozy (but can’t tell anyone) get togethers. Everyone said the same thing, I’m judgemental, it’s not my business, it will hurt the other person. So despite going round in circles with “come to such and such” me: “is your affair situation still happening? Then no” and I said after a while that I would tell within 24hrs if they didn’t. So they did. Massive fallout obviously, lots of extremely upset people, but no way was I going to sit back and just watch the deceit continue. I didn’t have kids back then but if I had, and they’d been asked to join in with the secret, it would have sent me completely over the edge. They’re still together BTW, nearly 20yrs later, and conveniently don’t tell people how they got together, oh and his ex is “mental” obvs. I couldn’t get on board with this and my response would be damn right I’m judging, they’re scumbags!

YADNBU I could no sooner sit and pretend everything was fine and dandy than I could fly to the moon. Bunch of arseholes, I would stay home and not be complicit in the lie.

I think in your situation I might be having words with my DH about his moral compass. Effectively he thinks it's OK that his sister is in a prolonged affair with a married man and has a child by him, and that this is something you should condone and not in the least Jeremy Kyle. So what guarantee do you have that he might not decide that it's equally fine for him to go off and have a child by another woman, and to tell the kids to keep quiet about it if they find out?

He should also think about his sister's welfare. This affair must have been going on for at least 3.5 years, but the lover is still with his wife. If he hasn't committed to SIL over that period, he isn't going to and she is wasting her life hanging around for him. Even if he did leave his wife and live with SIL, she would never be able to trust him to remain faithful to her as marriage vows are obviously pretty meaningless to him. Helping SIL to fool herself into thinking she can play happy families with her lover is not doing her any favours.

From what it sounds like a lot of people know this secret already. Have you thought of an anonymous letter and pictures of them together im sure you can get inventive.

To me i don't see you any better than your sil mil and dh trying to cover this up because of 'repercussions' it would have in your life (selfish). Don't you think the wife has the right to choose to leave a scumbag? So far you are all enabling him to continue living two lives very comfortably.

I've also fallen out with a family member over secrets like this. SIL (DH's sister) has an affair and got pregnant by her new man whilst still married, left her DH (BIL) and new man moved in.

I can't tell you how much this broke the hearts of their DDs (12 and 16 at the time) the 12yo stayed with us for a bit as she hated being at home with new man, and we had lots of tears and long talks.

Well DH and I got on famously with BIL and we always had a meal out and drinks with him and SIL on the last Friday of every month. SIL expected that new man would immediately replace BIL for the nights out. She got VERY upset when we didn't want to go drinking with the man who caused so many so much pain. Not just yet, BIL had been out the picture for 5 minutes. She screamed down the phone at us like a banshee, and played the "But I'm pregnant and you're stressing me out" card.

It did cause WW3 and I've never forgotten her shocking behaviour and total disregard for anyone else's feelings. Why she thought we'd all be excited about her affair I'll never know. She was 5 months pregnant that Christmas and decided to have BIL over for the day for the sake of the kids while new man went to his parents. We joined them on DNiece's request to help quell the awkwardness. BIL spent the whole day cooking every last bit of food and being ordered about by SIL while she stroked the bump of another man's baby. She then proceeded to criticise his cooking, moan that he was drinking too much and complaining because not enough people were asking about her pregnancy. It was a very strange day.

She also went mad when she posted a scan picture on Facebook and tagged new man in it, just saying "our bundle of joy due in April". People commented (obviously not twisting new man was tagged) congratulating her and Steve (BIL) they'd been split up 3 months at this point and not many people knew but apparently everyone should be psychic and realise she had a new fella.

DNephew was born and things started to settle down. He's 4 now and SIL and (not so) new man are still together. We don't go out with them though because he has the personality of a house plant and I suspect he wouldn't if we asked (he barely says 2 words when we visit). I think sometimes people need to accept the consequences their actions have on everyone around them even if they don't like those consequences.

I'm surprised at your mother in law sanctioning this, frankly.
Keep your kids out of the sordid mess.

Quite possibly the saddest thing is that SIL is trailing about after this twat thinking they have a relationship, when in reality he's probably just doing the bare minimum to keep her on side so she doesn't kick up a fuss. You know, by telling his wife or going to the CMS. The fact he gets the odd shag is just a bonus. Stupid woman.

I'd simply say with the links with the kids it's too risky, you're not involving them in this and it's not worth the potential fall out for anyone if it's found out. You're not judging anyone (out loud), it's just saving the kids from grown-up troubles.

Honestly the only person being protected by silence is the MM. "being judgey" is sticking your nose up at someone personal choices that don't affect anybody else ; like someone's skirt you think is too, or who is overweight, drinks too much, bad taste in interior design , bla bla.
This is hurting innocent children, and a woman who probably has no idea and as more time goes by will become more devestated once she learns and possibly contracts an STI. Even your stupid deluded SIL trailing after a man who doesn't give a real shit about her ,pleased to be second best and snap up his leftovers. And her poor child who I guess NOBODY thinks deserves any semblance of what's owed him.
This stupid asshat MM really gets away with this? He must be quit pleased w himself

I bet MM is a barrister

DH thinks I’m being ‘judgemental’ because I’m threatening to kick off

Point out to your husband that it takes a special kind of stupid to tell your wife she's being 'judgemental' about someone cheating on their wife, and he's thrown your trust in him into question as a result.