This is a difficult one. Not sure how to handle it without setting off WW3

[FuckOffAndWriteYourOwnArticles]

Bit of background: I am married to DH. We have two DCs who are 3 and 6. My SIL (DH’s sister) has a 2.5 year old DC by a married man who she is still having an affair with. To make it even worse, we very tenuously know the wife of the married man. One of the mums of a kid in my eldest DC’s class knows her. Oh, SIL and her DC live with MIL. MIL is widowed.

Okay, so the married man (MM) that SIL is having an affair with is going to be meeting SIL and her DC over at my MIL’s over Christmas for a secret ‘family’ get together. They’ve done this before but we’ve never had anything to do with it in the past. But this year SIL wants us to come over with our DCs so that the cousins can be together —and she can delude herself that she has a normal family—

I’d be uncomfortable about this anyway, because I find the whole thing a bit grubby. But what’s really pissed me off is that SIL said to DH that our DCs must be sworn to secrecy and can’t say anything about seeing MM at MIL’s house (because of the school mum connection).

I want to say a blanket ‘no way’ to the whole thing. My children are not going to be dragged into a dirty shagging lie. But DH is all ‘don’t be so judgemental’ and he and his mum are getting defensive of SIL and they think I’m implying his family are all Jeremy Kyle scum and I’m superior.

It’s all getting a bit political and I don’t know if I should just cave and agree to it because the DCs probably won’t even register MM and it’ll all be fine. AIBU to stick to my guns because of the principle? If I do, it’ll mean bad blood between me and MIL and also likely DH for a while.

The responses on here are fairly unanimous so I’m not adding anything by saying I definitely agree that you are totally entitled to refuse to take part, or allow your kids to take part, in this grubby little charade.

I also agree with the posters who have said that the SIL wants your kids to be there in the hope that the secret gets out. Kids that age can’t keep secrets especially if they’re told that it’s a secret. She knows that, she’s not stupid. She’s trying to use your children as a pawn in her game.

Finally I would be a bit concerned about your DH’s moral compass. This is something you are totally entitled to be judgmental about. Being judgmental is when you judge someone for legal and morally acceptable choices that don’t match up with your own preferences. It doesn’t mean accepting and enabling people in morally repugnant behaviour.

That really doesn’t change the fact that you’re no different to them OP. Your SIL equally doesn’t want to ruin her life by breaking it off etc. Your MIL is trying to protect her daughter. You on the other hand are sitting on a high horse blaming everyone else for not stopping it.

Just anonymously notify the wife and she can do what she wants about it. Otherwise you’re just sitting here being prissy and superior.

At least you know where your DH stands on cheating: it can be justified. Handy information.

But DH is all ‘don’t be so judgemental’

I would be rather suspicious of a husband who doesn't think people who cheat on their spouses should be judged.

Put your foot down, OP. They can't make you drag your children into this.

When the wife finds out you knew for years that's going to be awfully awkward. Imagine all those playground mums knowing you knew and you helped cover up. Hell, you might have to move house to have any mates.

Imagine all those playground mums knowing you knew and you helped cover up

Conversely I knew someone whose husband had several affairs and her friends seemed to delight in telling her where they’d seen her husband, who he was with etc. I don’t know if they did it out of concern or under the guise of concern. The wife liked to flaunt her wealthy lifestyle and general good fortune, so I did wonder if it was the latter.

I’d leave the lot of them after I let the children play and make sure the six year old tells all. Dh clearly has no issues with people cheating and helping to keep it a secret I wouldn’t be trusting him.

I'd explain to your DH that by having an affair, MM is potentially exposing his innocent wife to STIs. It's possible that SIL isn't his only partner. It's also possible that he isn't SIL's only partner. ANY time someone is cheating, the risk of STIs is a real possibility. Many STIs have no or minimal symptoms, so even if DH thinks SIL isn't "that kind of girl", it's not a guarantee. Ask how he would feel if, let's say, he cheated on you, didn't tell you, caught an STI, gave it to you, and you passed it on to a child?

Moreover, even if MM DOES leave his wife and marries/stays with SIL, the fact is, he's already willing to cheat. It's entirely possible that if SIL becomes Mrs. MM#2, he will cheat on her with another mistress.

What does SIL even get from this relationship?

Her rich man doesn't even spend any money on her or his kid. So how is that better than being with a poor man? She could have got knocked up by anyone.

SIL and MIL have seriously fucked up values.

I wouldn't go along with it but only because I wouldn't want the same thing happening to me.

I'd be judgemental too and no, I'd not go, I would refuse to let the kids be dragged into it. Do they even know their cousin? No way would I ask kids to lie, either.

That poor baby is going to have so many issues when they grow up and find out the truth it’s so horrible what they’re doing to an innocent child.

I'm mostly shocked that he doesn't pay the maintenance.

Noooo. Keep hoiking the judgy pants up, I would. Not your circus not your monkeys. Don't give them the satisfaction of validating this facade. As an aside though my kids same age as yours can barely remember their real uncles as they only see them a couple of times a year so I doubt he'd make that much impact on them!

I'm mostly shocked that he doesn't pay the maintenance.

Probably has a joint account with his poor wife.

Yes, but if he's rich/ well off he has high disposable income for himself. He could draw the cash in smaller amounts or whatever. I'm sure if he wanted he could go round it and get the money together.

"SIL and MIL have seriously fucked up values"

So does the DH. It all stems from their childhood.

MIL probably goes along with it, out of guilt about the children witnessing DV.

The SIL has no self esteem, which is usual, after growing up in a DV household.

The DH is enabling it all, because he feels a responsibility towards them, because of what he also witnessed.

But it would cause ruptions if the OP was the one to try to sort it out.

Even though he pays fuck all towards his child (who thinks he’s a family friend btw)

So his own child doesn't even know?

So what's the point of this family Christmas farce you're being pulled into then?

And do your DC know he's the father? Are they likely to spill the beans to their cousin if they do know?

If they don't and he's just a family friend dropping around then there's no happy family occasion to be had, so no point on going IMO.

I don't pull my DS's cousins over every time a family friend drops by for a brew. 😂😂😂

Tell them your DN is welcome to spend time with your DC at Christmas with you but you want no part of the deception and certainly don't want your kids keeping secrets about things.

You do need to remove your judginess over SIL and MM from the situation because this is what his family are reacting to.

And as others have said, you have very strong grounds without taking your moral concerns into account.

1. You will never ask your children to keep secrets about what adults do: this is an essential safeguarding principle.
2. You don’t want your children to have to take responsibility for a really serious situation that is nothing to do with them. You don’t want your kids to be the ones who accidentally blow it all up. It isn’t fair to put them in that position. Be clear that there is a division connection to the wife.

SIL and MM are being ridiculous anyway. Are they going to tell their Dc to keep their Dad a secret throughout childhood, school, teens etc?

I suspect SIL wants it all ‘accidentally ‘ out in the open anyway. Am very surprised the MM would agree to the ‘meet but swear them to secrecy’ strategy as it is so obviously set up to fail.

I think a lot of people want to think this situation is "so Jeremy Kyle" so they can feel safe that it could never happen in their families. ..it's a lot more common than you might think!
I have 2 family friends who were on this situation. One was the OW-they were "together" for years, wife turned a blind eye, one was the child of the OW.
I think it would be good if all the cousins had some kind of relationship, as my friend who is the OW/MM child, as an adult, has a good relationship with her half siblings (MM is now dead).
So, I wouldn't go to the dinner but would be OK with my kids going-wouldn't be telling them to lie though!
I don't think it's soo terrible and telling that the DH is going to the dinner. What's he supposed to do? Never see his own sister again? Have nothing to do with his neice/nephew? It's just not always practically possible to remain on your moral high horse forever.
And OP is under no obligation to disrupt her own life to disclose this to a woman she has never met! (However much we might want the wife to find out and take him for every penny).

It's just not fair to expect kids of that age to lie. And when (not if) it all comes out your name will be mud in the school playground.

Can your DH not see what a position this is putting you in? Could you suggest a family Christmas at home just the 4 of you and visit MIL and SIL Boxing Day when MM won't be there?

Or, Plan B.

You have an affair and a child and a secret other family Christmas and see how DH finds not taking the moral high ground then.

Just a thought.....

I would be prepared to fall out with DH and MIL if they asked me to do this but thankfully they never would because they are decent human beings. Tell your DH it's not happening because your judgey pants are hoiked so high they're throttling you- quite rightly!

Swearing a 3 yo and 6 yo to secrecy! Ha ha ha! That’s make it x200 more likely to come out.

Completely unworkable!

If it was me i wouldn't agree to making them keep secret, if sil said a condition of them be allowed to be there was that they MUST keep it secret, then they wouldn't be going full stop, this kind of secret is far to much for them

Kids of that age are really bad at keeping even the most innocent of secrets, such as a special present you may have bought for dh birthday, something like this would be nigh on impossible to manage and too much pressure on them