This is a difficult one. Not sure how to handle it without setting off WW3

[FuckOffAndWriteYourOwnArticles]

Bit of background: I am married to DH. We have two DCs who are 3 and 6. My SIL (DH’s sister) has a 2.5 year old DC by a married man who she is still having an affair with. To make it even worse, we very tenuously know the wife of the married man. One of the mums of a kid in my eldest DC’s class knows her. Oh, SIL and her DC live with MIL. MIL is widowed.

Okay, so the married man (MM) that SIL is having an affair with is going to be meeting SIL and her DC over at my MIL’s over Christmas for a secret ‘family’ get together. They’ve done this before but we’ve never had anything to do with it in the past. But this year SIL wants us to come over with our DCs so that the cousins can be together —and she can delude herself that she has a normal family—

I’d be uncomfortable about this anyway, because I find the whole thing a bit grubby. But what’s really pissed me off is that SIL said to DH that our DCs must be sworn to secrecy and can’t say anything about seeing MM at MIL’s house (because of the school mum connection).

I want to say a blanket ‘no way’ to the whole thing. My children are not going to be dragged into a dirty shagging lie. But DH is all ‘don’t be so judgemental’ and he and his mum are getting defensive of SIL and they think I’m implying his family are all Jeremy Kyle scum and I’m superior.

It’s all getting a bit political and I don’t know if I should just cave and agree to it because the DCs probably won’t even register MM and it’ll all be fine. AIBU to stick to my guns because of the principle? If I do, it’ll mean bad blood between me and MIL and also likely DH for a while.

I think it's a very bad idea to teach your children that they keep secrets to protect adults. It's a very wrong message for children to think is acceptable.

If they want the ‘family’ get together they should go whole hog and invite the wife and half-siblings.

This is an awful thing for them to ask you to do op.

I was asked to keep a very similar secret at a young age (12). I kept the secret so as not to break up the family. I still hold that secret now and still feel a huge amount of guilt over it.

And I resent my mum for giving me that responsibility.

I'd stay out of it if I were you. They're out of line for asking you to do this.

Not in a million years would I be attending that meal.

Nor would I ask my D.C. to lie to protect someone else’s immoral behaviour (regardless of their ability to do so).

“Judgemental old cow” implies that there is something wrong with your attitude to your SIL’s behaviour. It’s not wrong to judge people for immoral, deceitful and hurtful behaviour.

They should feel judged.

His poor, poor wife.

I'd also be really worried about the anxiety and worry that may be induced by asking the 6 year old not to tell and the implications that may have on their understanding of 'good' and 'bad' secrets etc.

Does the wife know? It always puzzles me how some men can blatantly have affairs for months years and it goes unnoticed.
An old friend had an affair for years, they had a baby, she would polish his shoes and leave her long dark hair in his clothing, the wife was blonde she wanted the wife to notice and kick him out, eventually she came into money and he left his wife for her because she had money, she dumped him a few months later, he went back to the wife

This doesn’t make sense. So your children know the wife of the married man. So how are they going to make the leap from knowing the wife to knowing the wife’s husband iyswim?

Presumably there’s a far greater risk that your sister’s dc is at some point going to encounter their half sibling with the father and make that connection?

I wouldn’t rock the boat re the affair/children etc. It’s not pleasant but given there are children involved here who are quite legitimately your dc’s cousin I would just go along with that bit for a quiet life.

However I would state that the more of a big deal you make of this the more likely it is that your DC would say something given it’s highly unlikely they would have made the connection with their cousin’s dad and his wife in the first place. As such you’re not involving your DC in this.

FWIW my xmil had a cousin whose father was a married man and whose mum continued the relationship with for 40 years. Even after his wife died and the children (then adults) forged a legitimate relationship with her they to this day do not know that the daughter is their half sibling, even though the daughter knows, iyswim.

The less you make a deal of it to the DC, the less interested they’ll be anyway.

Does the wife know op?

What a mess. That poor 2.5 year old growing up in the middle of that.

I was also asked to keep a secret by my dad from my mum. I was about 12 then. Never thought about it until I became an adult and now the guilt plays on my mind all the time. Terrible thing to do asking kids to keep secrets regarding adult behaviour.

Tell the wife. That poor woman, and kids if she had any.

Tell the wife. Anonymously if you have too but include whatever proof you can. But tell her. Wouldn't you want to know if your husband was a scumbag?

In thirteen years of parenting I've never once asked either DC to lie to anyone or keep anything like that secret. It's awful, awful behaviour.

YANBU to keep yourselves well away from the mess they're all making; when it implodes (and it inevitably will) you'll be tarred with the same shitty brush as your SIL if you're in any way involved. Let her do her "family" gathering, keep yourselves busy that day and avoid it entirely.

I do not want my DC to keep secrets. I would therefore not ask them to keep a secret - it would be hypocritical (and my 4 year old is totally incapable of keeping anything to himself)

DH was your neice in this situation. I'm always shocked looking at Christmas photos of MIL, her MM, all their friends, sitting round the table laughing and having fun. Whilst my FIL's poor wife was somewhere else, none the wiser.

DH judges his parents too.

Basic safeguarding for children is that someone telling them to keep secrets or lie isnt trustworthy. ( With obvious disclaimers that telling the absolute truth is sometimes not kind, e.g stay quiet rather than telling Auntie Claire that her new haircut is hideous, or Uncle Dave that he is very fat).
Expecting small children to keep secrets about affairs is very shabby imo. Refuse, they shouldnt be dragged into an adult’s deceitful private life.

No, the wife doesn’t know.

I’ve deliberately changed a couple of details mainly to protect the DCs involved. But for reasons I don’t want to get into in case I see this in the Mirror or the DM tomorrow, I really cannot tell the wife. And I am very much in the ‘the wife deserves to know’ camp usually. But I really, really can’t.

It’s not pleasant but given there are children involved here who are quite legitimately your dc’s cousin I would just go along with that bit for a quiet life.

There’s a difference between letting the kids see their cousin (fair enough) and letting your kids participate in a “Secret Christmas” with their Auntie’s partner in adultery.

Echoing the many who have said that (1) I'd be judgemental in that situation too and (2) no way do children keep secrets, FFS! Is she doing this as an ultimatum to force the issue, does the MM even know anyone else is coming?

There's no way I'd ask this of my own children - to lie about seeing someone. Your SIL is trying to out him IMO by getting someone else to do the job.

I wouldn’t go within miles of the scenario. It absolutely reeks to high heavens.

The other point is that your Mil and SIL are showing you exactly how they would handle your husband having an affair.

Don’t let them suck you into their cesspit.

Definitely use the child can't be expected to keep it a secret reason. My son's 4 and announces all my business to everyone! Told a woman in Aldi last week that the orange juice is for him. Because if I drink it I get runny poo.

It's judgemental to not want to collude in playing happy families with a married man?

Well then I'm happy to be judgemental tbh.

How can your husband be OK with his sister & niece/nephew being treated as a dirty little secret?

Absolutely no way I'd be allowing my kids to collude with the lie (apart from the fact there's no way a 6 year old's keeping that secret).

I'd make a stand and even go so far as to say 'you can't see how weird this is for some reason but it's up to you if you want to carry on when you know SIL will be hurt in the end. I won't say anything. But you can't expect the kids to understand and go along with such a weird situation.'

No, the wife doesn’t know.

It is understandable you do not want to tell her, you're right not to attend.
Your SIL is an idiot putting herself all concerned into this situation.

There’s a difference between letting the kids see their cousin (fair enough) and letting your kids participate in a “Secret Christmas” with their Auntie’s partner in adultery. absolutely. I was referring to the kids seeing the cousin rather than the secret. I did go on to say that the OP could just state that the more of a big deal is made of it the more likely it would be that the kids would say something so she wouldn’t be saying anything to them regarding keeping secrets etc.

OP, you’re not responsible for the wife knowing. I realise that there are a lot of advocates of telling the wife on these boards which is absolutely understandable, but it’s not always that simple, so if you feel you’re not in a position to be able to then don’t feel guilty about that.

There’s a chance she knows anyway. Maybe not everything but certainly some of it. I had a friend at school whose dad had an affair pretty much for the duration of her childhood. Friend’s mum knew, the kids knew, in fact the OW used to ring the house to speak to him and everything. but her family had no idea A, what was going on and B, that she knew everything.

Once her youngest left school she threw him out and he went to live with OW. They lasted for six months before he tried to come crawling back and she told him to do one.

It's all too many shades of fucked up to be involving kids.

Do the cousins see each other at all?

If so, does the youngest say anything about her dad?

Never mind about the DC not being able to keep the secret, it's beyond selfish of SIL to want to put DC in a poistion where they are expected to lie.
Having said that, the 'not being able to keep secrets' stance is probably likely to cause the least fireworks.

If the reason for attending is just so the cousins can play together, why does it have to happen when MM is there? That does seem like just a flimsy excuse for SIL to pretend everything's normal.

I don't understand why your MIL and husband are so happy to support your SIL's "relationship" with MM. Do they tell themselves that MM will eventually leave his other family and commit to SIL? It's not exactly the kind of life you'd wish for your daughter/sister and her child, to be kept a shameful secret all their lives.

And yes, I'd judge. Some behavior deserves judging. Your husband might not want to acknowledge that, but it is a scummy situation. Bad enough to make a mistake and find yourself pregnant after an illicit affair-- but to keep up the affair and drag your innocent child through the muck? I don't see why her family's so okay with that.