This is a difficult one. Not sure how to handle it without setting off WW3

[FuckOffAndWriteYourOwnArticles]

Bit of background: I am married to DH. We have two DCs who are 3 and 6. My SIL (DH’s sister) has a 2.5 year old DC by a married man who she is still having an affair with. To make it even worse, we very tenuously know the wife of the married man. One of the mums of a kid in my eldest DC’s class knows her. Oh, SIL and her DC live with MIL. MIL is widowed.

Okay, so the married man (MM) that SIL is having an affair with is going to be meeting SIL and her DC over at my MIL’s over Christmas for a secret ‘family’ get together. They’ve done this before but we’ve never had anything to do with it in the past. But this year SIL wants us to come over with our DCs so that the cousins can be together —and she can delude herself that she has a normal family—

I’d be uncomfortable about this anyway, because I find the whole thing a bit grubby. But what’s really pissed me off is that SIL said to DH that our DCs must be sworn to secrecy and can’t say anything about seeing MM at MIL’s house (because of the school mum connection).

I want to say a blanket ‘no way’ to the whole thing. My children are not going to be dragged into a dirty shagging lie. But DH is all ‘don’t be so judgemental’ and he and his mum are getting defensive of SIL and they think I’m implying his family are all Jeremy Kyle scum and I’m superior.

It’s all getting a bit political and I don’t know if I should just cave and agree to it because the DCs probably won’t even register MM and it’ll all be fine. AIBU to stick to my guns because of the principle? If I do, it’ll mean bad blood between me and MIL and also likely DH for a while.

Wtf. Do not ask your kids to lie! What is that teaching them?

"And the ‘cachet’ of shagging a rich bloke."

Didn't she realise that there are single rich blokes??!!

Oh and I would judge too! The poor wife!

Judging is normal, if there was no judging there would be no laws.

If someone thinks their behaviour and choices are ok they wouldn’t give a crap about being judged.

You don’t want your kids dragged into something which is immoral and you don’t want them to lie. YANBU!

Also I cannot think of a single reason why you couldn't tell the wife.
Mentally unstable (could be a lie the MM has fed you all) - maybe MH issues due to being with an arse. Even if someone was suicidal they still deserve truth in their lives not people deciding for them.
Or is he so famous that he would sue you? Still morally I'd rather be sued for telling the truth to the wife than living with that.
Or maybe she's so ill she's going to die soon and then he's promised to marry SIL? If that's true she still deserves to know the truth of her life not some massive lie.
I cannot fathom any reason not to tell her.

He won't be that rich when his wife gets at least 50% of their joint wealth and he has to fork our maintenance every month.

When poverty strikes, love flies out the window.

OP, I also wouldn't overlook the point made on page 1 by @scaryteacher:

"5: You need to consider what this says about the support your dh would get if he decided to play away. His Mum would obviously connive with him as she does with his sister."

I would seriously be casting a sideways glance at your DH if I were you. It feels like they would totally close family ranks on you if the same thing happened. Get your finances and papers sorted out over the next year or so.

Your DH condoning it all is actually what shocked me the most from your post. I can almost understand the MIL doing it because she's closest to the situation and probably just wants her daughter to feel normal, etc.

Judge away- the whole world judges those that carry on affairs for a reason! A vow was made and is being broken, a child is being denied a proper father. A wife and children are being horribly betrayed and your SIL is being used.
How can your MIL and DH be friendly with a man who is using their daughter/sister as a plaything?
He isn’t a nice man and you don’t have to play happy families.
So many lives will be ruined when this comes out- and it will come out.
Judge away - you are morally in the right not a judgmental old cow at all.

I once accidentally discovered my B-I-L had another woman. Told only my husband, and guess who was blamed by the family for not minding my own business?
Do not put your children in the position that they might shoulder the blame for letting the cat out of the bag or the guilt of keeping a secret.
I would be tempted to send the wife details of the child. We women need to stick together.

The child is 2.5 now, but as the child gets older and talks about their dad/cousins hang out, etc etc, things will come out pretty quickly. Very bad situation

(who thinks he’s a family friend btw)

Hang on, is that saying that the child doesn't know this man is their father?
THAT is vile!!!!

I would just refuse to go on the basis that it's all a disgusting mess. What's wrong with being called judgemental? I wouldn't give a shit about being called judgemental in this case. It means I have a moral compass.

The worst thing is that the poor child doesn't know MM is his father. Imagine how betrayed, deprived and devastated that child would feel if he were ever to find out this man was his father all along yet he had been not been acknowledged as this man's child.

This is an epic mess of Greek tragedy proportions. I can't believe grown adults such as mil and dh would put up with this sort of behaviour from sil, and play along with her sick fantasy of 'happy families.

Yes, I'm judgemental. I'll take that as a compliment.

My heart goes out to your nephew tbh. In your shoes i’d be doing whatever I could to give him a happy Christmas. If that meant tolerating his mother’s behaviour and her dodgy relationships, then I would. Be the grown up in his life.

Take your children, for your nephew’s sake, on the strict understanding that they are not to be told or expected to keep any secrets.

Honestly, I probably would go for DH's sake but make it clear that there is no way on earth will I tell my kids to keep secrets. I can fully understand why you would not want to though.

Also how do they not realise that the best way to not keep a secret is to tell someone its a secret??

The truth will out, its only a matter of time before someone puts 2 and 2 together. Either that or in several decades time they are in for a very very awkward funeral.

I think that you should say that you can virtually guarantee that your dc won't be able to keep the secret- especially if they are told that it is a secret so you won't risk it however she and cousin can come over on X day.

What an awful situation.

I judge too tbh. For her kid as much as anyone, growing up being the secret shamed child. There is nothing normal about this and trying to make it normal is crazy.

I’d be keeping my kids and me well out of it. Well away. Excuses if need be.

For those saying that the mil and the DH are wrong to conspire with the sil on this and that it puts the OP’s marriage in question, while I in no way support what the SIL is doing here, the reality is that she has a 2.5 year old child’ who is the MIL’s grandchild. The SIL lives with her for whatever reason, and this affair has been going on for years.

While in an ideal world the MIL would cut all contact with the SIL and consequently the child and refuse to have anything to do with it, in reality it’s never that straightforward, especially where a relationship like this has been ongoing for years and where there are children involved.

What would people honestly have the MIL do here? Turn her back on her daughter and her grandchild who already doesn’t have a father in his life? Unfortunately this sort of thing is a lot more common than people want to admit, and a lot more people get dragged into these situations, often without wanting to, but also while feeling that they cannot just turn their back on their own child.

I would absolutely refuse to make the children lie about this, but equally for the PP who said that there’s no reason the wife can’t know, that’s not the OP’s responsibility, and if she feels she can’t be the one to tell her then she doesn’t owe that explanation to anyone. The wrong here is being done by the husband. He has dragged others into his sorry tale, but they don’t bear any responsibility towards the victims. It’s all disfunctional enough already.

Due to a past/ongoing situation, my DC are told that if someone tells them to keep something secret, and not to tell anyone else about it, then these are the things that they Must tell a trusted adult. Obviously barring things that are clearly a nice surprise, such as a birthday gift. I could therefore never condone this - asking two young children to keep a grubby family secret.

Presumably the cousins see each other on different occasions, so you're not preventing them from seeing each other.

Your MIL, SIL and the MM can chose how they behave, but so can you. If you are not comfortable with the situation (and I certainly wouldn't be either) then refuse to get involved with this pretence at playing families.

They do realise it's all going to come out at some point, don't they?

No. Your children are older than theirs. You can very truthfully say that children the age yours are aren’t capable of keeping secrets, (in fact asking them to keep a secret makes it more likely they will tell) and the connection to your children is to close for you to be sure nothing would get back to his wife.

If you present it as a risk to their dirty little secret, they’ll fall in line.

Regardless of how awful the whole situation is (and your judgy pants).

A) Children are crap liars.

B) You never want to be in a situation where you encourage your children to lie! This on so many levels. It makes them vulnerable - if they lie at your request would they lie to you if someone asked them to? (Grooming). You are also eroding the whole "be honest" rule.

Nevermind that if you ask them to lie they are quite likely to say something like "We saw MM at Christmas, oh no Mummy said not to tell anyone that." Which is far more interesting/gossip worthy.

If I’ve got this right, your 6 year old’s classmate’s mum knows the MM’s wife? How would this get back to her?

Personally it wouldn’t bother me at all, I’d go and take the kids

Summer The mil could tell the sil to meet her MM somewhere else with their child, but not expect the rest of the family to collude in this. No-one is suggesting that the mil cut contact with her daughter, but if it were me, then my home would not be used to facilitate them meting up and playing happy families.

Also agree with this unfortunately...

I would seriously be casting a sideways glance at your DH if I were you. It feels like they would totally close family ranks on you if the same thing happened. Get your finances and papers sorted out over the next year or so.. I’m not saying your DH will cheat, however he has a family which would close ranks even if he really wronged you, be careful.

I was with a man like this, lovely man, lovely family I thought. He was very defensive of two friends, one female, who cheated. Later he cheated on me, family knew, I stayed to try and make it work, they closed ranks, said to him he was still a good guy and totally cut me off! Don’t trust families who do this they can be toxic.

Also, I’d keep a good relationship with the nephew if it’s possible, but not by colluding in a secret which can only hurt him. Encourage an outing with his cousins away from MM.

The whole family could do with therapy. Can't undo the last few years monumental lies ( or their upbringing/DV) but they could stop yet another generation living through toxic parenting/grandparenting.

Including your DH OP.

Doubt it would ever happen though.

She thinks he is a FAMILY FRIEND!? Bloody hell, that is shocking. How long will they keep that one up ? Surely will be impossible as his dd gets older and starts questioning, or looking v much like him ?
That reminds me of “the Secret Orchard of Roger Ackerley” which is a brilliant (autobiographical) book.