This is a difficult one. Not sure how to handle it without setting off WW3

[FuckOffAndWriteYourOwnArticles]

Bit of background: I am married to DH. We have two DCs who are 3 and 6. My SIL (DH’s sister) has a 2.5 year old DC by a married man who she is still having an affair with. To make it even worse, we very tenuously know the wife of the married man. One of the mums of a kid in my eldest DC’s class knows her. Oh, SIL and her DC live with MIL. MIL is widowed.

Okay, so the married man (MM) that SIL is having an affair with is going to be meeting SIL and her DC over at my MIL’s over Christmas for a secret ‘family’ get together. They’ve done this before but we’ve never had anything to do with it in the past. But this year SIL wants us to come over with our DCs so that the cousins can be together —and she can delude herself that she has a normal family—

I’d be uncomfortable about this anyway, because I find the whole thing a bit grubby. But what’s really pissed me off is that SIL said to DH that our DCs must be sworn to secrecy and can’t say anything about seeing MM at MIL’s house (because of the school mum connection).

I want to say a blanket ‘no way’ to the whole thing. My children are not going to be dragged into a dirty shagging lie. But DH is all ‘don’t be so judgemental’ and he and his mum are getting defensive of SIL and they think I’m implying his family are all Jeremy Kyle scum and I’m superior.

It’s all getting a bit political and I don’t know if I should just cave and agree to it because the DCs probably won’t even register MM and it’ll all be fine. AIBU to stick to my guns because of the principle? If I do, it’ll mean bad blood between me and MIL and also likely DH for a while.

I agree with the poster who said it's not just difficult to ensure your DC keep a secret, but a safeguarding concern.
Children are encouraged NOT to keep secrets to keep them all safe from abuse. I'd be telling DH and the horrid adults in his family just that - does your DH want to potentially and hypothetically, expose his children to secret abuse by making them think keeping secrets because adults tell them to, is OK?
No, just, no.

I get that you can't tell the wife (is this because she is in some way vulnerable?) but I think your distaste for being in any way involved is right.
It's possible to justify anything if you do it in small enough stages and that sounds like what your SIL has been doing for the past few years. It will probably cause friction if you refuse to join in with the pretence but that doesn't mean that you should. It's absolutely the right thing to do to stand up and say that you want no part in it. I'd find it hard to not also give them all both barrels and tell them how shitty their behaviour is, but there's a reason nobody ever comes to me with their moral problems!

For the child's sake, who deserves a relationship with their cousins, I would consider going, but I would absolutely refuse to tell my dc that there were any secrets or that they shouldn't discuss their own bloody Christmas. So either your SIL is prepared to tell everyone now and take the consequences (much the best option) or you don't go. This year, anyway. Because this is going to blow up one of these days, and I agree with a pp that your SIL may be hoping for just that, without having to do it herself.

What a horrific situation, and guess who is not stressing about this and should be? The MM. I never ever say 'tell the wife' but in this situation I would actually consider it.

No way!
I wouldn't want to implicate my children in this.

Keep out of it - don't tell the wife, don't go, don't play happy families.

Well they shouldn’t judge You then for not wanting to encourage your child to keep secrets - ridiculous and inappropriate of them to ask this.

I'd be fucking livid if my OH wanted my acceptance over his sisters fucked up moral compass.
And to involve my children with it?

I'd be fucking nuclear for sure.

Agree! Your DC are too young to keep this a secret. Tell SIL that they're likely to blab. That'll shut her up.

You've got a definite out with the DC. If I want my DC to tell someone something all I have to do is tell them its a secret and its out faster than you can blink

I don't understand why your MIL and husband are so happy to support your SIL's "relationship" with MM. Do they tell themselves that MM will eventually leave his other family and commit to SIL? It's not exactly the kind of life you'd wish for your daughter/sister and her child, to be kept a shameful secret all their lives

Without getting into too much detail, MM is ‘rich’ and DH, MIL and SIL were ‘poor’ all their lives because dead FIL was a useless, workshy twat who drank all their money away.

So even though MM is obviously also a twat, he’s a better class of twat and MIL and SIL think he’s an amazing catch. Even though he pays fuck all towards his child (who thinks he’s a family friend btw). He chucks SIL a few hundred quid a couple of times a year. Maybe sneaks her away to a hotel for a dirty weekend once a year. She gets a trip in his flash car. She’s happy with those meagre scraps. It’s pretty pathetic really.

Wow that's so bad. She must deep down know she's a massive mug. Poor child also :(

Meant to also say that DH keeps his head down for a quiet life. He witnessed dead FIL knocking MIL about when he was a kid so he is fiercely loyal and protective of MIL and SIL even though they are both behaving really badly.

I would not involve my kids with this mess - I would invite HER and her only to your house to have the kids play together, but I'd be crystal clear that HE would not be welcome.

You never tell kids to keep secrets! that's all shades of wrong!

No! Your reply
Is I cannot risk you all- DH MIL PIL SIL and MM holding my 6 yo son responsible for ruining your happy little lives with cousin when he simply tells people who he was with. You are protecting him from the inevitable fall out, plus secrets go against all things taught to children and it’s plsin wrong. It will come out anyway but your poor DS will not be involved, nope, you stay away

Poor child, all for a yearly shag and a poxy sports car.

" MIL and SIL think he’s an amazing catch. "

Except he hasn't been caught!

Talk about cake & eating it!

Bit on the side, kid he has no responsibility for & doesn't even acknowledge-it's getting worse if that's possible!

Your husband needs a kick up the arse tbh to tell his mum & sister to stop being so fucking ridiculous.

How are they all in thrall to the married waste of space?

You could always add in sympathetic voice, gentle hand on forearm to MIL that you don’t want to encroach on their family time as they hardly get any and cousin& SIL need to make the most of seeing MM while they can 😀 and run

None of you have any obligation to keep her secret.

I would not allow the kids to socialize until everything is out in the open. The kids should not be put in a position where there is any pressure to lie. If they spend time with x, y, and z, they are totally within their rights to mention spending time with those people if they want.

Poor child, all for a yearly shag and a poxy sports car

Yeah basically. And the ‘cachet’ of shagging a rich bloke. Even though he’s married to someone else.

This is disgusting. So wrong on ever single level, I cannot even begin to formulate a helpful reply. That poor wife, imagine finding out about all of this? Put yourself in her position, you can't unknown this information it's not as simple as pretending it's all normal because it isn't.
Someone posted further about that your husband seems to think this is acceptable, that would make me concerned for the safety of my own marriage.

I guess MM does not have a set time to visit your sun and his child on Xmas day?? I assume it's whenever he can sneak out from.his poor wife and dc?
Another option if you feel your hand being forced is to go but avoid the time MM will be there.

I honestly can't imagine the bullshit he must have to spin to disappear on Xmas day from his wife and kids. That poor poor woman.

they think I’m implying his family are all Jeremy Kyle scum

But they are though, aren't they?

Just out of interest, does your dim SIL think he is going to leave his wife and DC for her? If a child doesn't make him do that, nothing will. He has probably also got another one on the go. When this shit comes out, and it will, you will be implicated in it unless you stay well away. People won't trust you again with anything.

I'd calmly tell them "No. I nor the DC will be joining this lunch. It is not fair to drag me and my DC into this lie and I want no part of it."

Would I fuck play along with that for several reasons:

1. MM is a dirty shagging bastard and I wouldn't want to be around him.

2. I wouldn't want any part in protracting his poor wife's humiliation

3. I'd judge your SIL hard.

4. I would refuse to play along with the happy family nonsense.

5. No way would I confuse my children by asking them to lie

and if it turns out one day that you were 'the wife' how would you feel?

It's completely selfish of SIL to embroil your kids. I am sorry I have no solution but how on earth or why on earth should your kids be told to keep shtum. Is this an Eastenders episode? Because I can see someone blurting it out on Christmas day. There's the judgy bit between the adults but it's soooo out of order to do that to the children. What does that teach any of them? good luck!

I guess MM does not have a set time to visit your sun and his child on Xmas day?? I assume it's whenever he can sneak out from.his poor wife and dc?

It’s not going to be actually on Xmas day. Just one of the days in between.

I came on to say this
I would refuse to go but on the basis that you are concerned your older child might not be able to keep the secret
but was beaten to it

From your updates it looks like such a difficult situation - I think keeping out of it as much as possible with inventive excuses is your best right now as anything you do to actually correct this ugly situation will result in you becoming the bad guy.