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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be jealous of women going on maternity leave?

278 replies

TheBestMusic · 10/12/2018 20:59

I know this sounds daft, but I can't help but be green with envy when colleagues go off on maternity leave, knowing they will not have to work for a whole year.

I know they have to look after a newborn which is work in itself, and the money isn't a lot (but it's something). But the fact they get to spend a whole year out not even thinking about work makes me feel so envious.

I haven't had more than a week off since I started working 9 years ago, and every holiday I've thought about and worried about work. I'd love to have a reason to not have to think about it.

OP posts:
JuniperBeer · 11/12/2018 01:13

Why haven’t you had more than a week off in 9 years? Why haven’t you taken you annual leave?
Is your job still challenging you? Can you change industry or employer?

brookshelley · 11/12/2018 01:20

YABU. A two week holiday with no kids to chase is much more of a break than bloody mat leave.

Caprisunorange · 11/12/2018 01:28

I loved MAT leave. It wasn’t as hard as work (although guess that depends on your job!)

KinCat · 11/12/2018 02:03

I can't wait to go on maternity leave. I hate my job and it doesn't have many of the things that people say they enjoy about working. I'm horribly lonely here so maternity leave can't be any worse. At least on maternity leave I'll be able to spend more time with my husband and hopefully make some friends at baby groups etc.

SilverBirchTree · 11/12/2018 02:13

Change jobs @TheBestMusic

PirateWeasel · 11/12/2018 02:37

You DO think about work. Negotiating going back on reduced hours, finding a nursery that has availability for the right days, working out budgets for what's affordable, planning childcare etc. It's not all yummy mummies drinking lattes in the John Lewis cafe!

Topseyt · 11/12/2018 03:03

I used to think like you so I get where you are coming from in a way.

Then something happened to change my opinion - I had a baby. She wasn't a difficult baby, but I had birth injuries and PND to cope with, and struggled with the general loss of the sense of being my own person.

I did settle in to my maternity leave and it wasn't too bad in the end, but it was hard work 24/7 once the baby was born.

I went back to work for the rest. I used to think that was a ridiculous statement too, but I pretty quickly learnt that there is something in it.

Newbie1981 · 11/12/2018 03:05

Haha you should be jealous! It's ace.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 11/12/2018 03:09

Currently on ML with DS, it is great some of the time, but I only get 5 hours of broken sleep a night and it's very isolating sometimes and miss adult conversation very much. I do go to groups etc but the chat invariably turns to babies and bring a parent very quickly as its what we all have in common!

BikeRunSki · 11/12/2018 03:10

I loved my first maternity leave. Second wa extremely hard work. It’s the 5 years after going back and trying to reinstate yourself that is really hard.

Karwomannghia · 11/12/2018 03:20

There is so much you could do though instead. Start making a plan to take a break and do something really interesting. Yes ML is a break from work I loved every moment of mine and enjoy being part time now but my options were limited and tied to the home with 2 older kids. The world is your oyster, you’re not stuck start thinking about what you really want to do with your life. Start with a holiday somewhere really interesting!

Coyoacan · 11/12/2018 03:49

If you don't have children, you should have enough freedom to think of looking for a job you enjoy. My job is hard and I complain about it sometimes because I am a natural born moan, but I actually enjoy it most of the time. When I look back on some of the jobs I've had I consider myself so lucky.

I certainly wouldn't have children for the sake of maternity leave.

SD1978 · 11/12/2018 03:59

Meh- I found mat leave easy. Easy baby, no shift work, time do so things and an easily portable child. I get some people have it tougher- no one in my friend cohort however did.

OutComeTheWolves · 11/12/2018 04:51

Yanbu. I bloody loved mat leave. I'm not saying it's always easy, but even my worst days were better than being at work.

I should probably add that I've been ridiculously lucky enough to have four very easy babies (not a stealth boast - they were not easy toddlers) and I'm very lazy. I regularly fantasise about being rich enough to give up work completely.

Coppermine · 11/12/2018 05:47

Haha you should be jealous! It's ace

GrinGrinGrin

Groovee · 11/12/2018 05:53

My maternity leave was a measly 14 weeks back in 2000. Left work at 4.30pm, was in hospital at 6pm by 8pm I was being diagnosed with pre-eclampsia. Dd was born early. Yes it meant so had more time with her as I was dreading returning at 8 weeks if she was born late.

Things changed massively for me due to that. I returned home with a baby, not there few weeks pottering about.

If I were you book a fortnight off, live dangerously!

Coppermine · 11/12/2018 06:11

This is actually a bloody ridiculous argument to have. Work vs parenting are not comparable. It's like comparing apples with pears. They bring different sources of stress and rewards.

Of course mat leave/being a parent is bloody hard work, physically and emotionally. My DS was born with a physical disability only diagnosed at birth so I went through a particularly traumatic experience and as a single parent too. His disability also affects his sleep so where most babies sleep improves as they get older, I've continued to be extremely sleep deprived and with very little support, zero support overnight. This is physically more demanding than the job I had before and so in that respect, yes it's harder.

However, what most of the PPs 'mat leave is soooo hard' brigade are failing to tell you is how bloody rewarding it is. And how the hard work all comes from a deep rooted place of unconditional love for this little person that you brought into the world. And to me the rewards makes it far more enjoyable than any job on the planet could ever be. They are only little for such a short period of time and maternity pay/savings , in most homes, don't last forever, so I can't imagine ever wanting to rush back to work, no matter how much I felt like I needed a physical break.

And even if work was 'easier', I'd rather feel exhausted and be with my baby all day than be taking it easy at work without my baby Confused (I'm not including any money related reasons here, just choices over what's easier/more enjoyable).

Raspberry88 · 11/12/2018 06:25

However, what most of the PPs 'mat leave is soooo hard' brigade are failing to tell you is how bloody rewarding it is. And how the hard work all comes from a deep rooted place of unconditional love for this little person that you brought into the world. And to me the rewards makes it far more enjoyable than any job on the planet could ever be. They are only little for such a short period of time and maternity pay/savings , in most homes, don't last forever, so I can't imagine ever wanting to rush back to work, no matter how much I felt like I needed a physical break.
This is lovely and definitely how you feel. My mat leave has been the loneliest time of my life. It is rewarding, of course, but DH has no less of a rewarding relationship with DS despite being at work. I've had no help from anyone else, live in an area with a surprising lack of any baby groups or any networks for parents, I don't drive and we are very low income at the moment so struggle to get out anywhere. DS was a difficult baby and I have had awful PND. On top of that I was made redundant on mat leave as unfortunately still happens to too many women! I love DS so so much but I would love to be going back to work to be able to have a bit of time to be myself and to feel like a real person, to have any sense of identity at all. We all have very different experiences of the whole process.

Deadbudgie · 11/12/2018 06:30

I’m totally with you OP. I suffer secondary infertility and feel cheated of many things,a second go at maternity leave (it’s so lovely not having to think of work) is one of them. Although I would have liked my second go at it not to have been marred by me and the baby nearly dying and being v ill

SPARKS17 · 11/12/2018 06:42

I would bloody love maternity leave but I run my own company which I now do alongside the full time care of my 4 month old.

Hearing that mat leave with a baby is difficult makes my blood boil, because it really isnt!! Try juggling work and a new baby! My only blessing is I’m the boss if I want to go in at 10am I can but it also means I’m often working at 10pm to fit it all in.

Mat leave is a huge luxury in my eyes and sadly not one I could afford to do with our financial commitments.

Pachyderm1 · 11/12/2018 06:58

I also think that a week isn’t long enough to recharge and you should take longer holidays if you can.

TenForward82 · 11/12/2018 07:09

Is OP coming back?

Nodancingshoes · 11/12/2018 07:13

I do see what you mean but Mat leave was not all it was cracked up to be when I took it. It was quite lonely and I struggled for money. Still, a year off seems quite appealing right now....

qumquat · 11/12/2018 07:15

Maternity leave was the worst 9 months of my life. Be careful what you wish for.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 11/12/2018 08:04

Sierra all I heard were the positives. Nobody told me how horrendous pregnancy could be, how traumatic childbirth can be or how lonely, monotonous mat leave could be.

Of course there are wonderful things about the whole experience but for many it's not that great. I'm a much better parent when I'm working.

Why do people have more even it's it's so horrendous? I haven't - for that reason.

The ' why bother having them' phrase is so unbelievably offensive. It's used to make mothers feel bad for not enjoying mat leave, for choosing to return to work, returning to work full time, for using childcare.....always the mums too. Never the dads.