To be jealous of women going on maternity leave?

[TheBestMusic]

I know this sounds daft, but I can't help but be green with envy when colleagues go off on maternity leave, knowing they will not have to work for a whole year.

I know they have to look after a newborn which is work in itself, and the money isn't a lot (but it's something). But the fact they get to spend a whole year out not even thinking about work makes me feel so envious.

I haven't had more than a week off since I started working 9 years ago, and every holiday I've thought about and worried about work. I'd love to have a reason to not have to think about it.

The ' why bother having them' phrase is so unbelievably offensive. It's used to make mothers feel bad for not enjoying mat leave, for choosing to return to work, returning to work full time, for using childcare.....always the mums too. Never the dads.
It stems from the fact that we are all conditioned to believe that motherhood is bliss and that there's no comparison to any other job of work you can possibly do in terms of how rewarding it is. That however awful it is, it's "worth it".

Agree about ‘why bother having them’

This is Mumsnet, the main purpose of this site is for parents to connect and to help each other with the struggle of having children. If no one discussed how hard being a Mum is then we’d all end up with depression!

Vladimir Wow, how rude and uncalled for. Do you have siblings? If so, do you consider them mere 'accessories' to your life? I have two siblings and DH has one. We don't consider them 'accessories' and we have both benefited greatly, in ways far too long, detailed, and complicated to list here, from having those relationships. I love DD and I want her to have those benefits too. Do you have child(ren)? Because if so, I would have thought you would have understood the desire to do whatever you think will benefit your DC both now and in the future. I know I shouldn't have to justify myself to random ignoramus on the internet, and I usually don't bother to engage, but your ridiculous characterisation of my post deserves calling out - especially when I previously posted about how much I am struggling with my baby (and unbeknownst to you, I have long-standing MH problems, as any poster could have without you knowing) - and then you reply with a very callous, offensive comment like that. So much for MN being a place for parent peer support .

BlaaBlaaBlaa
This ^^
I had absolutely no idea what I was 'getting into'...not a clue. I honestly thought that mat leave would be all coffee and baby groups and making friends. I wish more people had been honest with me.

'A lot of people mention feeling isolated and bored at home but I am a total homebody who couldn't happily go months without needing to see people.'

I was and am a homebody too, ended up having a baby who has a disability, which is fine, he's healthy, hilarious and fab but we have to go out for appointments that were very regular in the first year of his life but thankfully not so much now. I have people calling at my house a day or 2 a week most weeks to work with him, which is very much appreciated but it's hard when you're a private person and also trying to keep the house clean for visitors whilst caring for a young baby and running to appointments.

On top of that, kids generally just need loads of stimulation so you don't get to be a homebody after the first bit and that's something that continues through their lives - starts with baby groups then progresses to soft play, nursery, school, parties, hobbies, cinemas and so on.

And even when you are at home you can't really get all cosy with a book or box set when you have a toddler chucking Tonka trucks at your face because they're bored.

A lot of people mention feeling isolated and bored at home but I am a total homebody who couldn't happily go months without needing to see people.

I'm a homebody and an introvert. And I found having someone (my baby) with me 24/7 was suffocating. It made me desperate to go out and see other people.

YES. I love DD but being "on" 24/7 (DH doesn't do night waking or getting up in the early mornings with her) is killing me.

For me, there were (are) upsides to mat leave and downsides. It’s not better, or worse - it’s just different.
I was fortunate enough to have a year off with DS- and returned to a lot of accrued holiday so was able to spend many weeks only working 2 days - that is the best of both worlds to me. I’m not looking forward to working full time again.

A huge downside has been how different work is now. You have a year away and you get forgotten. The place doesn’t fall apart without you and you feel surplus to requirement. Well, I do anyway! I was a key member of staff before and was consulted on many issues and my name was known by our CEO etc (yes, I felt important!) now... not so much. I wouldn’t change it for anything but the adjustment has been difficult enough for me to want to look for another job.

The other part that I found hard was going from being pregnant... where everyone cares about your wellbeing and can’t do enough for you... to it being all about the baby. That was actually quite hard as a new mom needs attention too!

However, what most of the PPs 'mat leave is soooo hard' brigade are failing to tell you is how bloody rewarding it is.

It's very individual. I found Mat leave such hard work for no reward at all. I hated it, hated being a mother, resented having to take the time off and desperately wanted a break. I don't find reward in a helpless human who needs you. Now DS is almost 3, I find parenting rewarding, but to me, there is no reward in the baby stage.

@mortifiedmama

I feel exactly the same: The baby stage is NOT fun for everyone. I’m glad to hear it’s got better for you!

Agree about ‘why bother having them’. This is Mumsnet, the main purpose of this site is for parents to connect and to help each other with the struggle of having children. If no one discussed how hard being a Mum is then we’d all end up with depression!

PerfectPeony, maybe I shouldn't have phrased it like that but my point was that if it was the worst thing in the world (that some people make out) no one would have more than one (I loved the Revenant reference a PP made! ) It infuriates me that people are so short-sighted that they think their experience is the only one possible and that people/babies can't be different. Calling OP unreasonable and ridiculous for wanting to do something that many other PPs have said they loved - I just don't get it.

Let me give you an example: I'm self-employed. If someone came on here to say they'd love to be self-employed and not have to answer to a boss, choose their own hours, work as little or much as they like, why would I come on to say "YABU, you've got no idea, let me list the awful things that mean you would absolutely hate it just because I do?" (which I don't btw)

Maybe they'd love every minute of it, why bring them down? I'd only list the negatives if they asked for them.

Or "YABU to want to get married! Organising a wedding is the most stressful experience you will ever go through!" Just because it was for me, why bring OP down with my own experience when hers might be the opposite?

Of course we can share experiences of parenting struggles but are we not also allowed to be excited about the positives we can expect without being torn down and told we're U and will hate it?

For me personally the 2 years I have spent on maternity leave were the best years of her life. The 18 months I have been pregnant were the worst of my life. I'd love another year maternity leave if I didn't have to go through pregnancy again.

It's not a walk in the park for everyone but everyone is different.

Sierra I agree with all your posts, especially your last one. You talk a lot of sense!

Thanks @Coppermine You're probably in the minority...!

I'm a homebody and an introvert. And I found having someone (my baby) with me 24/7 was suffocating. It made me desperate to go out and see other people.
I agree, I also have never minded housework at all, quite like doing laundry and love getting things nice and clean. The monotony of cleaning a high chair 3 times a day or more, kitchen floor a couple of times a day, constant washing up and nothing ever gets nice and sorted. I find it completely overwhelming.

Sierra I don't disagree with your last post but your 'why bother having them' post was bang out of order

but my point was that if it was the worst thing in the world (that some people make out) no one would have more than one

Maternity leave was the worst year of my life. Clearly that isn't the case for everyone but it was for me. I found myself unexpectedly and unhappily pregnant again. I go on leave in 2 weeks. I'm looking forward to the weeks before baby arrives but absolutely dreading the time after. If I could go back after 6 weeks and leave DH to it I would. But I can't. I've just got to hope it's better than last time.

So yeah, I wouldn't do it more than once if I didn't have to, but having an abortion is not something I could bring myself to do.

This has reminded me of a blog or article I read recently about people saying they want a year off work because some women take time off to have a baby - it was quite amusing, something about pushing a pineapple out of your bits on your first day off and then setting an alarm every hour per night and going downstairs to make milk for it etc. Does anyone know what I'm talking about? Might give people a bit of a laugh but it makes a point too!

But a lot of them will spend their entire maternity leave worry about coming back to work. How will their baby cope? Will people think they are a bad mother for going back to work so soon? Will they be able to do the work with a young baby? Will they even have a job to go back to or will they be managed out?

Thanks everyone for replies, it's certainly helped me get a bit of perspective on things and realise the job is the problem.

But like someone said, maternity leave is probably the only legitimate way to take a year off work and get paid at least some money without getting grief from others/society.

Choosing to be unemployed is frowned upon, long term sickness is obviously only if you're sick, and sabbaticals are hard to come by.

I'm not saying new mums or SAHMs are layabouts or anything of the sort, it's a different type of work and 24/7. But when you're like me, and the worst thing about work is managers and social anxiety, the thought of taking a year away from that to gain some new perspective is very appealing.

Yeah I'm on maternity leave at the moment and although I'm loving it - I've missed out badly on a promotion whilst I've been off. Swings and roundabouts really.

‘if it was the worst thing in the world (that some people make out) no one would have more than one’

We had the opposite viewpoint. For us, we thought ‘well, it can’t possibly be that bad again, the only way is up’.

Ever the optimist!

I hope you get a happier workplace soon, OP. Life’s too short to stay in a job which is making you miserable.

fartface did they give you the opportunity to go for the promotion? I thought legally companies had to inform those on mat leave of any promotion opportunities because it would be discrimination not to?

@3out

We were the opposite - first baby pretty straightforward. Second one an utter nightmare.

I forgot to put a nappy on him last night after his bath I was so tired. I only realised when he wet himself.

Good grief. It’s not a race to the bottom people. You’re trying to compare apples to bloody sushi. Yes they’re both food, but neither of them is going to be everyone’s favourite type.

Having a baby is hard, but sometimes it’s not. Having to go to work everyday is hard, but sometimes it’s not. You can’t please all of the people all of the time as the saying goes. One person might think maternity leave was the best time of their life, others will tell you how it was hell and yet more will tell you how they couldn’t afford to take any more than the legal minimum of two weeks.

You’re entitled to be jealous of other people getting time off (whatever the reason!) but equally they don’t have to agree that their time off will automatically be better than being at work. Swings and roundabouts guys. Swings and roundabouts.