Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

I just don't want his parents knowing yet

154 replies

Valeo · 10/12/2018 13:01

I know I am probably being unreasonable but I just don't want to tell my husbands parents that I am pregnant yet. His parents annoy me at the best of times, I've never particularly seen eye to eye with his mum as she has caused so many arguments between DH and I over the years, luckily DH has now seen what she is like and we no longer argue and we tend to spend most of our time with my side of the family as a result. They are very self centred and I don't agree with their lifestyle. I am enjoying my pregnancy so much and am really enjoying the fact that only us and my parents know. I am 8 weeks so would like to hold off until our first scan to tell his parents but he is insisting that we tell them this week as we wont see them again until end of January (they live 2.5 hours away). I don't know what it is that is making me so annoyed about telling them, maybe I am still a bit bitter and so I am enjoy having this lovely secret from them I just don't know.

OP posts:

Monkeynuts18 · 10/12/2018 16:05

As a matter of principle I disagree with the ‘it’s his baby too’ remarks. After 12 weeks, it’s his baby too and he can tell who he likes. Before 12 weeks, I think the mother gets to decide who knows - because if she miscarries it’s her who’ll have to go through the necessary processes, and that’s very much the mother’s private medical information. If she wants her own family to know in order to support her, but not her in-laws, that’s fine.

In this case I’m not sure. Your threads don’t match up and you sound gleeful about driving a wedge between your DH and his parents.

tillytrotter1 · 10/12/2018 16:06

This gets up my nose as the mother of two adult sons.

Totally agree, and I'm the mother of daughters! Some young women do seem to adopt an arrogantly superior role in their homes, the male is there as a mere sperm donor. In many cases they deserve the PILs they get, they insist in removing their partner from his family whilst clinging to their own. There needs to be far more equaility!

Platypusfattypus · 10/12/2018 16:41

I have a son. But I’m hoping I won’t be a horrible mother in law.

It’s up to you as potential parents. If your husband agrees that it’s best not to tell them at this point then don’t. If he disagrees then you could try to reach a compromise you are both happy with. I told my mil straight away but she’s fab and I’m close to her. But not everyone has that relationship.

Sirzy · 10/12/2018 16:44

Or a mother in law who doesn’t meet a snob of a daughter in laws high expections....

Platypusfattypus · 10/12/2018 17:02

Given what the op wrote earlier I’m pretty confident I’ll meet those expectations

Pearl87 · 10/12/2018 17:10

I don't understand what was wrong with her phoning your husband before the Beyonce concert?

Why is it that so many men start to "see what their mother is really like" and minimise contact with her after they meet their partner? It doesn't tend to happen the other way around. How often do you see posts on MN that say "I'm close to my in-laws but I keep my own mum at a distance, I used to have blazing rows with my husband about her until he helped me realise that she's toxic"?

BlueBertie · 10/12/2018 17:17

And this is why mums of boys worry...awful.

Crispyturtle · 10/12/2018 17:18

If you had a genuine reason for wanting to wait, I’d say YANBU. But seeing as husband is keen to tell them, your parents know, and your main motivation for keeping it secret seems to be some smug sense of one-upmanship that you know and they don’t, I’m going to say YABU and I feel quite sorry for your husband and his parents.

GunpowderGelatine · 10/12/2018 17:28

Sorry but YABU to tell your parents and not his. It's his news as well.

GunpowderGelatine · 10/12/2018 17:31

I guess it’s true what they say when they say sons are sons until they marry a wife and a daughter is for life.

Please don't say that mine are only kids but I hate the thought of them being distant from me when they're older for this reason!

GunpowderGelatine · 10/12/2018 17:33

I usually agree with the 'your body your say' - when it comes to issues to actually do with your body (so things like where to give birth, pain relief etc), not sharing the news itself.

Sleeplikeasloth · 10/12/2018 17:50

Both times, my parents have known straight away, but my in laws only after the scan. This was because :

I see my parents v regularly, and it would have been obvious thst something was up. With the second, they are also our childcare, and we might need to call on them urgently if something went wrong.
I rely on my parents for support.
if something went wrong, my parents would be supportive, whereas my husbands parents would make it the worst thing that had ever happened to THEM. And we'd never hear the end of it. They also like to gossip.

Fortunately, my husband and I 100% agreed on it.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 10/12/2018 18:10

But what about your husband and his need of support Sleep? Or does he not count.

Sleeplikeasloth · 10/12/2018 18:22

He much prefers support off my parents/ his friends. If he wanted to tell them, fine, but he was even less keen on it than me. He really, really wouldn't want go to them for support.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 10/12/2018 18:23

He's never gone to his parents for support?
Or just since he met you?

Sleeplikeasloth · 10/12/2018 18:25

And in any event, its me that is throwing up, exhausted and in pain. It's me that needs support in pregnancy. He might need it if the pregnancy sadly ended (though wouldn't want it from them) but as far as day to day early pregnancy support goes, I am pregnant not him.

Sleeplikeasloth · 10/12/2018 18:34

Maybe he did when he was 6 or something...
They are closer now than when we met because I've tried to bring them together. But you can't force closeness on either side.

witchy89 · 10/12/2018 18:50

I disagree with the majority on here and think that you have a right to decide when he tells his parents. I told my mum at about 8 weeks but only because she lives 3.5 hrs away and we had arranged a visit there in the summer anyway and wouldn't be back until Christmas, other wise I would have waited until our scan. I asked my partner to wait until after our scan as I was really worried that something might go wrong and I didn't feel comfortable having to face his parents if it did. We aren't close and having them know something deeply private about my health didn't sit well with me. He was understanding and agreed to wait. If your gut is saying that you want to wait then he should respect that, your mothers intuition will come into play a lot over the next 9 months and he'll need to learn to accept that!

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 10/12/2018 18:51

I don't think it matters whether they are close now or not, you said he wants to tell them this week. You've told yours and I think he has every right to be able to tell them this week.

You can't force closeness but he wants to tell them. You said that you've tried to bring them closer - this could bring them even closer.

headinhands · 10/12/2018 19:06

Oh that's just mean. If your parents know his should too.

BestBeforeYesterday · 10/12/2018 19:13

he's not a father just yet.
Wow, what a twisted way of looking at things. So what is he exactly until the baby is born?

I think that both sets of grandparents should be told at the same time, so if you don't want one of them to know if something goes wrong, then don't tell them that early. If however you are determined to have a bad relationship with them and want to keep them as distant as possible straight from the start, and keep them from building a relationship with their grandchild, then your plan will work just fine!

NotACleverName · 10/12/2018 19:27

Even with the drip feed you still sound like an arse, OP. YABU.

RedLife · 10/12/2018 19:34

Christ I have three sons (gulp)

poglets · 10/12/2018 19:42

You should have told both sets of parents at around the same time.

GunpowderGelatine · 10/12/2018 19:42

You may regret your decision to be so distant with them when you need a babysitter in the future OP.

That said I think you're getting a hard time on here.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7