I just don't want his parents knowing yet

[Valeo]

I know I am probably being unreasonable but I just don't want to tell my husbands parents that I am pregnant yet. His parents annoy me at the best of times, I've never particularly seen eye to eye with his mum as she has caused so many arguments between DH and I over the years, luckily DH has now seen what she is like and we no longer argue and we tend to spend most of our time with my side of the family as a result. They are very self centred and I don't agree with their lifestyle. I am enjoying my pregnancy so much and am really enjoying the fact that only us and my parents know. I am 8 weeks so would like to hold off until our first scan to tell his parents but he is insisting that we tell them this week as we wont see them again until end of January (they live 2.5 hours away). I don't know what it is that is making me so annoyed about telling them, maybe I am still a bit bitter and so I am enjoy having this lovely secret from them I just don't know.

[Lookingforadvice123]

Agree, YABU. Unless, you think (and have good reason to) they won't respect your wishes to keep it quiet until your scan. The PP's MIL who put it on Facebook at 8 weeks was completely out of order.

When I was pregnant with my first we told our parents around the same point, when I was 6 weeks. We've since learned that MIL can't keep many things quiet, and neither can SIL, and MIL tells SIL EVERYTHING! So when I was pregnant this time round, we were going to wait until 12 weeks. But I was so sick from 5 weeks, we had to tell MIL so she could help out with DS on her day off. Which she did. She's a blinking annoying woman, but she has the same rights/access to her grandchildren as my parents.

[Talith]

Given that they are going to find out one way or another in the next eight months it seems pretty pointless to keep it a secret - your reasons seem to be kind of mean-spirited - almost you are enjoying punishing them without them even knowing?

It's easy to feel out of control with pregnancy and I can get that not telling them is in some way clawing back some control over what's going on. But it does come over as petty and as if you wish they didn't exist - they do, whether you like it or not sadly!

I don't see why your husband shouldn't have a say on this - it makes absolutely no difference to your pregnancy in material terms - it's not as if he was policing what you ate. It's to do with family relationships and if he feels it's important to tell them then that's a valid opinion.

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

What's their lifestyle all about OP? What have they done to you to make you so bitter?

Sounds like you're enjoying having control over whether they know now or not.

[Deadringer]

Yabu

[raisinsraisins]

I don’t have a dd, only ds’s, so this makes me really sad.

[Rudgie47]

You sound spitefull and smug OP.
Whilst it may be a lovely secret to you they may not actually be that bothered anyway.

Woman of childbearing age with partner gets pregnant isn't really news.It tends to happen.

[WendyCope]

Am also glad I have a daughter. This makes me shudder. So mean. So unfair and so spiteful. Poor DH.

[Halfahunnerstillastunner]

I'm with Hissy as someone else who has suffered miscarriage - if the worst happened and having to tell them that you lost the baby would cause you distress then I think DH should respect your views to stay quiet until the first scan.
It's not a pleasant topic and I fully understand people don't want to think about that possibility when they are all excited about their pregnancy but it's worth considering and talking to DH about this.

[Honestlyofficer]

I know where you're coming from.. with 1st dc, we told them as soon as we knew. In hindsight telling them all together (DH mother, sister and H, brother and W, Aunt and Uncle) wasn't a great idea.

No one spoke to me for the rest of the evening. By the main course they had planned the nursery, chosen the colour scheme, decided on names (both for the baby and what the baby would call them), argued the "finding out the sex" issue and made a decision, and were discussing what elements of them the baby would inherit, when I put my head in my hands and announced I was moving back to my home country! I was just a vessel producing their Oh so precious child.

With the next DC, I didn't tell my DH until I was mentally happy for the hysteria to descend (because I knew he would tell them as soon as he knew.. lousy at keeping secrets), and I let him pass on the good news. I was 12 weeks and had my scan booked for the next week.

Much better plan as I had lots to keep myself occupied and I didn't have to listen to my baby being mentally kidnapped.

[FloofenHoofen]

What CardsforKittens said.

Can't stand people who say "it's both your pregnancy" no, it's the woman's, and you can choose what you'd like to do.

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

I remember your other thread OP.

Are you 8 weeks or 3 months pregnant?

[Valeo]

OK lets clear a few things up.

Lifestyle I don't agree with: drink far too much to the point my DH has had to grab our dog off the MIL as she's had him by the neck stumbling around not realising what she's doing (bodes well for baby). In fact she drank os much the first time she met my parents she threw up in my parents car as well as the reception area of our wedding venue in front of our event planner! Filthy house to the point DH and I don't stay there neither does the SIL. Chose when they are broke and use this to try and make us feel sorry for them, can't come up and see us as won't pay for the fuel but then they buy teeth veneers on finance. Yes their money and they can spend it on what they want to but don't use not having money as a weapon in that case.

Reasons I don't get a long: VERY manipulative - lied several times about what both me and DH was meant to have said and done but didn't realise the DH was in the same room as me listening in. He only agreed to listen in after months of me crying and having screaming arguments with him which very nearly ended our marriage. Bitched to everyone about our wedding but was happy to invite her friends and family that neither me or DH knew and was more than happy to drink the free booze and food that apparently didn't need to be that fancy. Has gone behind our backs on several occasions when we have asked her not to say or do things and then has denied it (one reason I don't want them knowing until after scan). Always has an underlying tone, we once went to a Beyonce concert, she called us as we were walking in so DH said he would call her back later, her response was oh I really wanted to go and see Beyonce but you enjoy yourselves. This is not me being a DIL from hell or wanting to drive a wedge between a son and mother, for years I tried and so did my DH, it is purely being honest and saying that our relationship is important and so we need to protect it and so yes I was extremely happy when DH finally saw what she was like.

And yes I agree it is DH's child as much as mine and in fact I am going above and beyond to make sure that he feels that way, he has chosen most of our purchases so far etc. I know that it can be difficult for dad to bond with the baby and to feel involved after all it is me who feels all of the changes in my body etc. My fears are not over him and my intentions are not to deprive him of the experience my concerns are with the MIL.

[PurpleDaisies]

Could you clear up how pregnant you are?

[Osirus]

Can't stand people who say "it's both your pregnancy" no, it's the woman's, and you can choose what you'd like to do.

I 100% agree. But, her reasons here for keeping the news from her in-laws is simply because she doesn’t like them. It’s deliberately shutting them out because she can and being pregnant she has the control to do so.

You will damage your relationship with your DH, OP.

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

Ok you don't like them for reasons you've explained - again. That's your choice not to like or agree with how they live but this is your husbands child too.

Can't you see how unfair it is that your parents know but his don't?

[2isabella2]

I told my parents before my in laws - and I love them dearly. I don't think you are being unreasonable to wait until the scan.

[WendyCope]

I don't give your marriage long, OP you clearly loathe your inlaws.

Top tip... they will ALWAYS be the grandparents, even after your divorce and even if you don't like them.

[Valeo]

And my parents were told as soon as we found out as this is all new to us, I wanted to be able to call someone about what does this feeling mean, can I eat this, am I being silly by feeling this etc. I am very close to my Mum and Dad and so is DH so he agreed that we should tell my parents asap. He also wanted to be able to ask them questions about something that he has never experienced before, he tends to go to my Dad for advice rather than his own anyway. We also wanted them to know just in case something went wrong so we would have someone who could support us, they are our go to for support anyway whether that is mortgage advice or anything so it just made sense. It isn't a case of favouring them or me telling DH we have to tell my parents, it is just how both me and DH's relationship is with my parents and what we both wanted to do.

[Nicknacky]

So how far on are you? Last week you were 3 months.

[Sirzy]

But he also wants to tell his parents. Perhaps he wants support from his parents? Perhaps he wants to use this as a chance to build relationships back up?

[PurpleDaisies]

So he doesn’t want to tell his parents? What’s all the angst over then?

[babysharkah]

I have a bit more empathy with the aggrieved mother in law threads now.

Mean.

[GreatDuckCookery6211]

Of course you're favouring your parents so don't try and say that you're not fgs.

How far are you? 8 or 12 weeks and why the discrepancy?

[Kittenrush]

I do sympathise to an extent because I too (I mean don’t we all) have a tricky relationship with my MIL but I wouldn’t dream of depriving my DH of telling his mother about his baby. I totally understand what you mean about wanting it to be your little secret. I remember that feeling so well. He may see her for what she is and she may irritate the hell out of both of you but she’s still his mother and it is his news too.

[Ragaroo]

I disagree with most. Before 12 weeks it's my news to tell, and I only tell for emotional support... I suffer bad sickness from 5 weeks and have had two mc's before 12 weeks. After 12 weeks, and a healthy scan, then it is also my husband's news. Before then, it's too risky to tell people and I only tell people I trust 100% not to spread it about (and even then I've been betrayed). I'm currently on my 4th pregnancy... on my first (which ended in mc at 12 weeks) I caught my then bf (now dh) telling his ex I was pregnant by fb message!! I was furious. You can't stop him sadly but he really needs to be sure the people he is telling will respect your wishes too. Yes if you mc he will need family support, but from my experience it's harder on the women because you have the physical as well as emotional side to it. And potentially a hospital stay that your family may need to be aware of.