Presents for MIL - AIBU or is she a CF?

[CouldIBeAnymoreHungry]

MIL shops at Aldi & is proud to admit that she uses all their beauty products. Handwash, handcream, moisturisers etc. However when she gives us her present list suddenly her taste becomes a little more expensive. Branded products that cost alot more, hair products that you can only get in salon. She is semi retired & well off whereas we have one income & live month to month. I'm feeling resentful as I buy myself cheap products but then find myself spending far more on her because we feel we should buy what she's asked for. When I lost my job my parents told us to stop buying for them so we could save money whereas MIL continues to hand over her lists of gift ideas.

AIBU to ignore her list & buy Aldi stuff I know she likes or is she being a CF? Or do other people take the opportunity at Christmas (& Birthdays) to ask for stuff they wouldn't normally buy themselves?

You should decide on your budget and then choose something you can afford.

I do think gifts should be indulgences, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a small budget. Something thoughtfully chosen can be better than an expensive gift.

There’s nothing on her list that would come to the same cost as the cheaper bits and bobs?

Following your drip feed
*We don't ask for a list we just get given it.

She buys us stuff from Aldi & the non-Aldi bits are sale items normally the wrong size just bought because it's cheap. She tends to buy us practical stuff rather than luxeries.*

I'd suggest that if this is true, that you give her a list back of luxuries (or practical items) that you and DH would be happy to receive, to approximately the same value as the items on her list.

Do bear in mind, though, that generally people buy one or two items off of a list, not everything on it.

Ahhh she is most definitely taking the piss then. In that case I would put the same amount of effort and money in that she does for you and pick up some bits in Aldi. You cant enforce a list of luxuries on someone, expect them to spend the money on said list and then give them tat in return and think they will put up with it. Just make sure you think of a quick response in case she askes why you went of list...

What's the difference between someone having a list and asking someone if there's anything they'd like for Christmas? It's the same thing isn't it?

Nope, definitely NOT the same thing.

I can't get past that she gives you a list.

I think honestly dh should be sorting this - I made that clear from the start with dh. He sorts his family and send cards at Christmas etc.

Also I think I would just get deals from b&m and boots offers (if you want to be really savvy the charity shops often have sets) but aldi is pushing it

My mother is very selfish and gives me a cheap soap set and what's 100s in presents over the year - I resent it and still do it or there are tantrums.

FFS, she's a cheeky cow! Who the fuck expects presents from their adult kids or hands over a list unbidden?

Grow a spine! If your H is too much of a jessie, then you message her. 'Sorry, but our budget no longer permits gifts exchange among adults. Please don't buy us anything, we have all we need. I'm sure you'll understand.'

The end!

Silken, why are you buying your twat father and his girlfriend a thing?FUCK his 'expectations*. He told you no gifts for adults, so you get them nothing but a card. If you don't stand up to him he'll continue mistreating you.

A list ? From one adult to another ? That's just weird and a clear explanation as to why people on low incomes get into ridiculous debt at Christmas.
Never have I given anyone a Christmas list since the lists stopped going up the chimney!!

Our parents may ask us if there was anything we would like specifically. I would ask for an idea on their budget and perhaps come up with 2 or 3 suitable suggestions or ask for a 'surprise ' isn't this how most functioning adults operate. ?

No OP your MIL is not BU in wishing for something other than her day to day toiletries. That's what gifts are - something special.

Expecting a whole pile of expensive gifts from anyone is definitely unreasonable. Especially those you know to be struggling.

However OP - 'getting her some cheap bits' smacks of unkindness. If you are going to spend £20 on 7 supermarket own brands - it's much kinder and thoughtful to spend the £20 on something she would really love.

It really is meant to be about the thought.

If you asked her for a present list YABU, and why would she put Aldi basics stuff on it - they are not gift items, they're everyday essentials. Also, they are very reasonable items, not expensive gadgets or anything.

Why on earth is she giving you ‘a list’? Just buy her a gift, any gift, that is within your budget and that you think she will like.

YY to this! Adults giving lists of approved presents deserve to get a cheap gift set.

Why are you dealing with her? Your DH is the CF here.

And ffs, a grown woman writing a list

Glad you've decided to ignore the list.

MIL gave us a list for Christmas/birthday at the start of our marriage. I think my face said it all the time she gave it to me - I had honestly not come across this before from an adult! We did buy her/them something off it but thankfully she got the (strong) hint that I felt it was very odd (didn't ask for one either).

Don't ask her for a list. If she tries to give you one, treat it as a joke. Buy her a gift you can afford.

We have Secret Santa for adults and we love wish lists - saves loads of angst and everyone gets something that they actually want. The wish list can specify a surprise if the recipient wants one (no-one ever does that though!) We agree on the budget too and it's been such a successful concept over the years that the budget has gone from an initial £20 to £50 which is still more economical than buying 8 individual presents for adults.

I'd put the list in a cheap card and give it to her with the words FUCK Off.
What a strange selfish person.

I’m just going to defend lists here! All of my family have always written lists. It’s a list of ideas, not a shopping list. So my brother might put some very specific football book or photography equipment on his list (no way would the rest of us have a clue about that). My mum might put some clothes (not something I’m going to buy blind) or books (again, I know which authors she likes but I don’t know what she has and hasn’t read).

We buy each other stuff that isn’t on the list, and we don’t buy absolutely everything on the list. But adults generally have most of what they need already so it is helpful to have some pointers. The alternative is either buying something generic and impersonal like toiletries, or having an in-person conversation (which I personally feel that is even more grabby).

DH’s family don’t do lists, and as a result they all spend ages looking round the shops with no idea what to get, and then panic-buy something the recipient doesn’t actually want or use.

I’ve watched DH waste hundreds of pounds over the years on stuff his family didn’t want, and we’ve received plenty of stuff that went straight to the charity shop. Fluorescent blue plastic moc-croc designer wallet? Cost about £150, I would never use it in a million years. So wasteful and pointless.

How pricey is the stuff shes asked for.

Just ignore her list and buy a small, reasonably priced gift within your budget. If she has the cheek to comment negatively on it then just say, or rather get your DH to say, that as you are a one income family you have to budget carefully for Christmas and so you've shopped within your means.

The point is, Sashkin, that the OP and her H never asked the MIL for a fucking list. They don't give her a list in return.

So someone, the OP or her h, need to get a spine and tell her no more presents for adults as they cannot afford them.

If she;s aware of your financial position I think she's cheeky having a list, whatever's on it, she not 5. Tell her you can't afford to over-spend.

Wilburforce in this particular instance I’m not saying the OP needs to buy whatever is on the list. I’m responding to the people upthread pearl-clutching about writing a list in general. Presumably the same people who think wedding registries are tacky

Have you tried giving her a list back?

Maybe she’s buying you shit from Aldi as a pass-agg dig because you never tell her what you want?

Of course, there’s always a distinct possibility she’s just a grabby cow.

My CF Sil would always ask for a specific expensive makeup item that costs about 50 pounds for Christmas and birthdays. In return she would spend about 5 pounds on me and my DH each, we got nothing we wanted. One year she got my DH a mouse mat she got for free. I put a stop to it finally one Christmas and pick cheap presents for her just like she gets us.
Your Mil sounds as cheeky and entitled as my Sil.
YANBU to get her cheap tat too

I would ignore the list as a few have suggested and just buy a nice gift set at the budget you can afford. A thoughtful gift is what Xmas is about. Thr amount of money you spend or getting something from a list isn't really the point of Xmas. She should then accept your gift graciously.

The Aldi Velvety Rose candle from Aldi is lush so I think it's a fine gift.