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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Presents for MIL - AIBU or is she a CF?

164 replies

CouldIBeAnymoreHungry · 10/12/2018 10:36

MIL shops at Aldi & is proud to admit that she uses all their beauty products. Handwash, handcream, moisturisers etc. However when she gives us her present list suddenly her taste becomes a little more expensive. Branded products that cost alot more, hair products that you can only get in salon. She is semi retired & well off whereas we have one income & live month to month. I'm feeling resentful as I buy myself cheap products but then find myself spending far more on her because we feel we should buy what she's asked for. When I lost my job my parents told us to stop buying for them so we could save money whereas MIL continues to hand over her lists of gift ideas.

AIBU to ignore her list & buy Aldi stuff I know she likes or is she being a CF? Or do other people take the opportunity at Christmas (& Birthdays) to ask for stuff they wouldn't normally buy themselves?

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 10/12/2018 11:04

Yabu, that is the whole point of presents. Something you wouldn't buy for yourself.

Davespecifico · 10/12/2018 11:08

It's none of your business. She's his mum, not yours. It's stressing and worrying you whilst I bet your dh isn't giving it a second thought.

mrsm43s · 10/12/2018 11:10

You do seem to resent giving her a gift at all.

I think it's fairly usual to give parents gifts, and in general they will be "luxury" items, not the everyday ones they buy from the supermarket. It's also normal to gift people nicer products than you might use yourself daily, because they are a gift.

Does your MIL buy you and your DH (and children if you have them) gifts? Are they decent gifts, or does she give you just everyday stuff that you normally buy from the supermarket? Would you be happy if she gave you a bar of Aldi everyday chocolate that you'd buy for yourself rather than a box of luxury chocolates for example?

TBH, a branded hair/skin/hand product doesn't seem a big or extravagant ask to me - it's what £10-£20 at most?

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 10/12/2018 11:12

Sorry why does your MIL give you a list? Is she secretly 8 years old..

PurpleDaisies · 10/12/2018 11:14

Lists can be helpful. I quite like being given a list by difficult to buy for people.

Totorosfluffytummy · 10/12/2018 11:14

I can't believe a grown woman gives a Christmas list. Even my kids have stopped with lists and the youngest is 10. I see it as very cheeky. But we see Christmas as family time not just about gifts.

PerfectPeony · 10/12/2018 11:14

Your MIL writes a Christmas list? Confused I didn’t think anyone over the age of 10 did that.

Why don’t you suggest secret Santa for family members, we do this. Set a budget and put it into a Secret Santa ap so it really is secret!

dontgobaconmyheart · 10/12/2018 11:14

I don't think she's a CF for wanting a treat for her gift rather than everyday items. I use a bottle of radox that costs £1 in the bath day to day because it's cheap, but wouldn't be getting excited about one under the tree tbh (though it wouldn't bother me).
She is cheeky and entitled to give a list though if it's not been requested. However, just because she asks doesn't mean you have to get it so YABU if you resent doing it when it's your choice. Making yourself short to keep up with this financially makes no sense and it makes far more to politely inform MIL that money is tight and you're no longer doing gifts, as you already don't with your own parents. That or cite the same reasons but state a budget you can afford - £5, £10, whatever suits your finances.

Santababyclaus · 10/12/2018 11:17

Do you give her a list of what you and DH want?

SlothMama · 10/12/2018 11:18

She's not cheeky for wanting something more luxurious for Christmas!

Lunde · 10/12/2018 11:21

Don't feel pressurised into buying an entire list - just buy a selection of the more expensive brands that fit with your budget

Didiusfalco · 10/12/2018 11:23

Do you think she realises how tight things are for you? I agree with others that wanting something nicer than her usual weekly shop products doesn’t make her grasping.

LizzieSiddal · 10/12/2018 11:23

If you were going to spend £10, then only spend that, but buy her something from the more expensive range.

poppiesallykatie · 10/12/2018 11:24

I can't believe a grown woman gives you a Christmas 'list'. Is that a thing? That's putting in an order not receiving a gift. No-one should ever expect a gift. Just decide a budget and buy her a voucher. If she wants something expensive she can put the voucher towards it and pay the deficit herself.

BarbaraofSevillle · 10/12/2018 11:27

Sounds like you should really be just buying her a token gift. You don't have lots of disposable income, whereas she could probably buy herself pretty much anything she wanted, including more expensive branded beauty products.

So just forget the list and buy her a bottle of Aldi champagne. I think it's £12 this year and it consistently beats more expensive brands in blind tasting.

rosablue · 10/12/2018 11:27

Decide what your limit is, buy one or two items that take you to that limit. Don't stress about getting the whole list - if she complains point out that you thought she was giving you a variety of ideas so you could get something and it would be a surprise on the day, not a shopping list of expensive items that she doesn't bother to splash out on yet expects you to, when you have less money than she does.

Add in a little picture of dc/dh/you in a little frame, small box of nice chocs she likes or a nice jam or small bottle of fizzy or something small that you know she likes that's a little treat rather than adding to her everyday storecupboard so there are a couple of other bits for her to open.

Then relax and enjoy the day - you only need to spend what you want to spend. If what she has asked for costs more than that then see if there are smaller sizes within your budget. Otherwise get dh to ask her for a more realistic list or go off list. Don't let her get to you though - just because she comes across as entitled to you doesn't mean that you need to buy into that and actively buy things you can't afford!

DarlingNikita · 10/12/2018 11:28

I can't believe a grown woman gives a Christmas list Yeah, me either. I know people IRL who do this and I find it unutterably greedy and vulgar.

Have an adult conversation about means and come to some agreement – if you must have a list system, have a price cap? Or do Secret Santa or something. Ideally though I'd do no presents at all.

diddl · 10/12/2018 11:35

"MIL continues to hand over her lists of gift ideas."

So buy what you can afford or tell her that you can't afford presents atm.

Can't see the problem with handing a list over tbh-as long as she's not demanding all of it!

So many people don't know what to get so being given ideas is surely useful?

montenuit · 10/12/2018 11:41

i wish MIL would give a christmas list!
i have NO idea what to get her... and need to get something!

but without context, i have no idea if she is being a CF or not. She might think she is being helpful making it easy for you to get something. Whenever i ask anyone what they would like they usually say "oh just the money" and then i REALLY regret asking.

The bigger issue here is that if you can't afford to be buying gifts then you shouldn't be. Get your dh to have a word with his mum.

Itsnotmesothere · 10/12/2018 11:43

I don't think it's terrible having a list. I would prefer to buy from a list and know that someone is going to get a gift they want. I write myself a list through out the year so I can give people ideas otherwise when they ask my mind goes blank.

Having said that, I don't have family members that would request very expensive gifts. If they did, I might try to buy cheapest thing on the list or ask a family member to split cost with me. Could you do that? Or buy her an online beauty voucher that will go some way towards the cost of the item?

I get a little bit stressed at Christmas, as I don't want to be seen as tight but really don't have that much to spend. I also think believe that how much you spend doesn't demonstrate how you care either.

10PollyPockets · 10/12/2018 11:44

I wouldnt give someone Aldi products for Christmas and I love Aldi! Just buy something cheaper off the list. I don't think she's a cf, the idea of a present is meant to be something special. If you can't afford it maybe get a mid range product from boots but I think giving everyday Aldi stuff is a bit mean.

Cheeeeislifenow · 10/12/2018 11:46

We do secret santa and do lists , because some people are notoriously hard to buy for. It's just an idea of things we might like. I certainly wouldn't have normal every day things on it.
That being said we all have an agreed budget and stick to it.
If you cannot afford luxuries then you cannot afford them buy something small and personal instead.

knittedjest · 10/12/2018 11:50

Imo people like to get things that they like but wouldn't ordinary buy for themselves as presents. There's no real joy in getting the same face wash you've been using for the last three years under the Christmas tree.

AllAboutHallowsEve · 10/12/2018 11:51

Chat to your DH about budgets i.e £20 per parent or whatever you can afford.

Then you choose something for your parents and he chooses something for his mum that fits in with the budget.

Stop doing the mental load of 'wifework' and get your DH to deal with it.

Have a read of this OP: www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

Original poster
CouldIBeAnymoreHungry · 10/12/2018 11:56

We don't ask for a list we just get given it.

She buys us stuff from Aldi & the non-Aldi bits are sale items normally the wrong size just bought because it's cheap. She tends to buy us practical stuff rather than luxeries.

OP posts:
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