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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Presents for MIL - AIBU or is she a CF?

164 replies

CouldIBeAnymoreHungry · 10/12/2018 10:36

MIL shops at Aldi & is proud to admit that she uses all their beauty products. Handwash, handcream, moisturisers etc. However when she gives us her present list suddenly her taste becomes a little more expensive. Branded products that cost alot more, hair products that you can only get in salon. She is semi retired & well off whereas we have one income & live month to month. I'm feeling resentful as I buy myself cheap products but then find myself spending far more on her because we feel we should buy what she's asked for. When I lost my job my parents told us to stop buying for them so we could save money whereas MIL continues to hand over her lists of gift ideas.

AIBU to ignore her list & buy Aldi stuff I know she likes or is she being a CF? Or do other people take the opportunity at Christmas (& Birthdays) to ask for stuff they wouldn't normally buy themselves?

OP posts:
Pinkyyy · 10/12/2018 12:00

I think you're BU to entertain her list. If I wasn't buying my own parents I wouldn't be buying for a demanding MIL.

Itsnotmesothere · 10/12/2018 12:01

You didn't mention that in your OP.
Of course, she is being cheeky. Carry on!

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 10/12/2018 12:03

We don't ask for a list we just get given it.
She buys us stuff from Aldi & the non-Aldi bits are sale items normally the wrong size just bought because it's cheap. She tends to buy us practical stuff rather than luxeries.

Well if she wants luxury stuff but only buys aldi stuff for you even though she's well off she's cheeky. I know in some families lists are normal but just handing out lists to people who haven't asked is silly. Just tell her you won't be doing gifts this year.

SoupDragon · 10/12/2018 12:04

It was all fine up to your second post

MsLexic · 10/12/2018 12:11

My partner's stepmother always wants a £15 M and S voucher every Xmas or Birthday. They are really well off and we aren't. I get really annoyed as my partner WILL ASK HER what she wants! It's like asking for money asking for that. And then the reply comes back. She and her husband are real tight wads as well, and also quite unkind and very selfish.
In my family everyone says no don't get me anything or asks for small cheap things cos they know we are poor.

Willow2017 · 10/12/2018 12:12

We don't ask for a list we just get given it.
She buys us stuff from Aldi & the non-Aldi bits are sale items normally the wrong size just bought because it's cheap. She tends to buy us practical stuff rather than luxeries.

Tell her you are not doing Xmas presents for adults any more, you cannot afford to be her luxury goods dispenser as your budget wont stretch that far now.

Its ridiculous that she gets you cheap crap stuff yet wants expensive stuff for herself. Very CF.

howabout · 10/12/2018 12:13

She is being a CF. Children get to send a list to Santa. He arbitrates on a naughty/nice sliding scale before taking a view and doing as he thinks best.

Everyone else just gets a minding.

I give my DC the money to buy me Molton Brown if they are going into town (allergic to nearly everything else) They are being unreasonable when they exclaim about the price and how uncomfortable the "posh" shop makes them - they would rather spend the same fumigating themselves in Lush. Xmas Confused

masterandmargarita · 10/12/2018 12:14

I thought lists were just for kids

m0therofdragons · 10/12/2018 12:15

I don't get all the angst. Some families do lists so assume it's normal (as it is to them). I'm sure they don't write the list thinking "how can I piss off family this Christmas?"

I set my budget per person and pick something from the list that suits or give money/Amazon voucher. I really don't see what there is to get worked up about.

DarlingNikita · 10/12/2018 12:20

We don't ask for a list we just get given it.
She buys us stuff from Aldi & the non-Aldi bits are sale items normally the wrong size just bought because it's cheap. She tends to buy us practical stuff rather than luxeries.

So she can definitely fuck off.

'I know you've given us a Christmas list, MIL, but we need to talk to you about that...' Then you –or, actually, her son –can have a discussion about how you can afford to do Christmas from now on.

SilkenTofu · 10/12/2018 12:21

Yes, your MIL is a CF'er but so are the elderlies in our families.

My Dad told me what he wanted for Christmas which costs about £100 and then told me what to buy his GF, some M&S vouchers. A week later he announced he is no longer buying presents for anyone again, but was upset and annoyed when I said brilliant, I'm glad we are no longer buying presents. Turns out I am still expected to buy him and his GF. I will be spending the £20 vouchers I got her on myself and buying her a cheapo smellies set instead as a token gift.

My PIL have just announced they want my DH to buy them a £100 electrical item.

I don't expect gift off anyone except my DH and then only a token. I don't appreciate people using Christmas as a time to stock up on luxuries when DH and I go without to keep costs down.

Ellapaella · 10/12/2018 12:21

What's the difference between someone having a list and asking someone if there's anything they'd like for Christmas? It's the same thing isn't it?
Anyway if MIL only buys your presents from Aldi and buys cheap stuff then it's cheeky for her to expect expensive stuff in return.

Knittedfairies · 10/12/2018 12:27

Go off list(e).

Didiusfalco · 10/12/2018 12:40

@SilkenTofu - did you post about your dad in the Christmas section? I really hope you’re not getting him the £100 gift, he doesn’t sound very considerate.

Now you’ve posted more op your mil is definitely taking the piss. My lovely mil when pressed about what she wanted has requested a cheap bottle of M&S own brand bubble bath. I’m sure it’s nice but I know she’s thinking she doesn’t want us spending too much. I will be following her example when my dc are older.

hazell42 · 10/12/2018 12:40

I have never in my life given anyone a list of things I wanted as gifts. Not even as a kid or when I got married. I think the whole thing is hideous.
Someone puts themselves out to buy you a gift. The amount of trouble that they have taken is the gift. What is under the paper is not.
Working off a list means the present giver has not gone to any trouble and the present receiver has none of the thrill of wondering what is inside. She was unreasonable to give you a list, no matter what is on it.
Saying, 'at least they are getting something that they like', is a great big cop out used by people who can't be bothered to think about the other person and what they like for more than the 10 seconds it takes to click a link.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 10/12/2018 12:42

Every year my mother says that she doesn't want anything, she'd prefer a nice card. Then sulks massively if she gets what she asked for.

This year I've told her that I'm only buying for my children and she thought that was a great idea, but I got the impression that she didn't think I was including her in that. She hasn't given me a gift of any kind in nearly 20 years so I don't care what she thinks.

It's easy to get trapped in a situation where there is huge unfairness and inequality, and when you break free of it there can be fallout. However, I do think it's worth making the effort. Ignore the list, and get a token affordable gift and use the saving to get something for your own parents. Or just get your husband to tell his parents that you won't be buying adult presents any more.

sollyfromsurrey · 10/12/2018 12:44

If MIL bought you luxuries then I would say yes, but her something nicer than she would buy herself. But as she buys you cheap stuff for Christmas then she is a CF. Buy her Aldi stuff and give her a gift list if your own.

OlennasWimple · 10/12/2018 12:47

I love Christmas lists! We live overseas and consequently have little idea what people would really love or need unless they tell us, even if in broad terms ("I need a new pair of gardening gloves" type thing)

And yes, it's entirely normal to get and give more luxurious versions of every day things for gifts Confused

OKhitmewithit · 10/12/2018 12:47

I just don't get this. Stop buying gifts for adults. If they stop talking to you/go NC, all to the good.

We do secret santa 1 x £10 gift in a room of 10 adults (and 10 children who get something). It's very liberating.

SilkenTofu · 10/12/2018 12:56

Didius Wink

lifetothefull · 10/12/2018 13:03

It's not wierd having a christmas list. Family ask you what you want. They don't want to buy you crap you don't like. My family know we are buying presents for each other so we say what we want. We are normally polite enough to wait for them to ask or we ask them what they want and the question normally comes back. I would only suggest something that I know is in the normal price range. I would spend more on beauty product as a gift than I would spend on myself. I would buy something you can afford from her list. Cheap aldi stuff is not a present.

Original poster
CouldIBeAnymoreHungry · 10/12/2018 13:04

We still buy for my parents although they don't have expensive taste. My Dad is happy with a book & my mum prefers me to spend time with her rather than buy stuff.

It feels like MIL does take giving us a list as an opportunity to stock up on luxeries which winds me up especially when we just get tat in return. My DH works in an office so every year he gets a shirt & tie (in the wrong size - sale label clearly been ripped off the tag) & some silly post it notes. One year I got Aldi cream, Aldi chocolate & some flannels.

OP posts:
lau888 · 10/12/2018 13:07

Be honest and tell her you can't afford it. x

wink1970 · 10/12/2018 13:14

I like being given lists, but never expect to buy the whole lot.

Given your updates, I'd just say you are not doing pressies this year ....

Original poster
CouldIBeAnymoreHungry · 10/12/2018 13:20

I've decided to ignore her list & buy her cheaper bits & bobs I know she likes but isn't so expensive. I know if I wasn't to do this I'd regret it & be annoyed with myself especially when DH & I aren't buying gifts for each other this year.

OP posts:
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